That’s when Auntie Seher came in with her collar ripped. Birgül Abla tried to hold her back, but she was too big.
“Let’s put a bullet in his head!”
Nobody said anything. Auntie Seher yelled again.
“Birgül! What would you do if they threw your boy’s body into a ditch? Vedat, son, what else can we do? Let’s shoot that dog in the head! So many have died, our most precious. Why should he live? You call that justice?”
Vedat Abi pulled Mustafa Abi to his feet by the arms. He took him somewhere. Everybody went outside. The uncles smoked and talked with my dad in front of the door.
“Let’s chase him out of the neighborhood. Let him suffer somewhere else.”
“Why should we do that, Hasan Efendi? Let’s handle this ourselves. Let’s keep him from ratting on someone else, the dirty informer.”
“You heard what he said about the revolution.”
They talked for a long time.
Mom didn’t come back from Auntie Seher’s house that night.
When it got dark, they came and took away the three old aunties again. One of them dropped a ball of wool and it unrolled and unrolled all the way down the hill. Nobody heard it. It unrolled all the way to Mustafa Abi’s grocery store. I wish he’d run away and never come back.
One from Many
Number one, Mom put on her nice shoes. And number two, the butterflies might come out of their cocoons today. That’s what Ali said. It could happen tomorrow, too. But, please God, let them come out today. That’s why I cried so much, so Mom would have to take me to Parliament. It wasn’t easy, though.
“You’re acting like a spoiled brat, Ayşe. I’ve got too much to do today.”
I had to say it. What else could I do?
“But I didn’t tell Dad about that man.”
Mom understood. But she didn’t talk to me again. Not a word, all the way to Parliament, even when her shoe rubbed on her heel and hurt her. As soon as we got inside, she made a phone call.
“I can’t make it today… No, I really can’t…. Yes … Let’s keep in touch…. All right.”
Mom looked at me. A terrible look.
“We’re taking your Auntie Günseli out for lunch today. Then you and I need to have a talk, little miss Ayşe.”
Oh no! This is bad. It’s because of what I said in the morning. Mom didn’t yell at me, and that’s scary. She looked at me like she looks at Dad. Like she didn’t know me.
Not once until the afternoon did Mom look up from her desk. She didn’t look at me at all. I kept walking around her desk, and she still didn’t look, not even once.
Two old men came to the library. They can’t hear very good because they’re old, and they shout. They have those old marks on their faces, round and brown. You’re supposed to keep quiet in the library, but they’re loud. Nobody stops them, though, because they’re “party elders.” That’s what one of the aunties said. The old men were “crunching numbers” for Parliament, whatever that means.
They finally left, still shouting, to have coffee with the Republican People’s Party. There, they talk about politics “in the wings.” Mom never takes me there, though. I guess it’s like at the theater, where Grandma took me this one time. Everyone hides in “the wings” and whispers. Then, when they’re ready, they go out on the stage and talk loud, but not with their own words, and everyone claps.
The phone rang. It was Auntie Günseli, saying she was waiting at the gate. Mom remembered to smile again. I followed her, skipping. Maybe she’ll forget to be mad at me. You’re not supposed to get too mad at your children in front of your friends. Dad doesn’t get mad at me when we have guests, either.
Auntie Günseli was wearing green shoes this time. It was the first time I saw shoes in green. I kept looking at them. So did Mom. Everyone looked at them. We had fish in a restaurant. Mom and Auntie Günseli drank white wine.
When Mom was sitting at the table with her arm on my chair, her hand touched my neck. I didn’t move when I felt her hand. Maybe she’ll leave it there. Maybe she’s not mad anymore. But no, she doesn’t know her hand is touching me. She might pull it away at any moment. But if I tell her to leave it there, she won’t, because I’m making noise. I sit very still. My neck starts hurting, that’s how still I sit. Her hand is still there. But not because she wants to touch me. She’s going to pull it away. She’s going to, now. Or now …
“Sevgi, have you got everything arranged? Were you able to unseal those confidential dossiers for my research?”
“It’s all set. We’ll go down to the archives together. But not before we have some coffee in Parliament.”
The intern girls are having coffee in the garden. They talk about happy things, not politics.
“I don’t blame Zeki Müren. He knows what he’s doing.”
“Nobody’s going to fall for that nonsense. Who’s going to believe he’s made love to all those women or that he’s got a girlfriend now?”
“It’s not about believing. Do you think anyone believed those romantic movies starring Bülent Ersoy? I mean, Bülent kissing a woman … come on!”
“Well then, why do people watch those movies?”
“This is Turkey. As long as you play the part in public, you can do whatever you want in private. It’s only a sin if you flaunt it.”
“Well, that’s what he’s doing now, flaunting it. Sooner or later, he’s going to get lynched. Mark my words.”
“You’re right. They’ve got to attack someone, and he’s an easy target.”
Mom and Auntie Günseli look so nice drinking coffee. The wind’s blowing on the trees, making the leaves move, making the sunlight play on their faces. I like watching them from over here. It wouldn’t look as nice if I was up close. And Mom will get mad if she sees me. She doesn’t love me that much. I’m a “headache,” that’s what she said that one time. And she wants to leave, but she can’t because of me. That’s why she doesn’t love me. I can’t tell her I know everything, because I love her even if she doesn’t love me.
Uncle İbrahim the Supervisor came out into the garden with Uncle Abdullah and Muzaffer Abi. Uncle Abdullah is smiling, but Muzaffer Abi is hanging his head. The supervisor is angry, and he shouts.
“Sevgi Hanım, could you come here?”
I run up to Mom.
“See off your guest, Sevgi Hanım. We need to talk.”
“But she’s only just arrived. If you’ll give me a few minutes—”
“Please do it now.”
Mom snapped back her head, she was so surprised.
Auntie Günseli left. I followed Mom to Supervisor İbrahim’s room. Uncle Abdullah was there, playing with his prayer beads, and so was Muzaffer Abi. When Mom noticed me, she asked for a moment to take me away. Uncle Abdullah Bey laughed and said, “She should hear about this, too.” The supervisor told Abdullah Bey to be quiet. I stayed in the room with Mom. The supervisor was mad at Mom. I could tell from his voice.
“Sevgi Hanım, as you no doubt know and appreciate, we try to put aside our differences here and focus on our work. You are a valued employee. I’ve always treated you with the courtesy and respect you deserve. But after what happened today, my confidence in you has been badly shaken. We found cocoons in the archives, and winged creatures, and some other things….”
The butterflies!
“I’m giving you a chance to tell me you are in no way responsible for any of this. If you can do that … I mean, I would rather not have to launch an official investigation.”
“Winged creatures?”
“And some other things, too, Sevgi Hanım.”
Uncle Abdullah twirls his beads over his belly, his eyes on them the whole time he talks to Mom.
“Sevgi Hanım, we all knew about your ideological leanings. Apparently, you were quite the revolutionary in your youth. But this … even for you, this is astonishingly childish. And that’s not to mention the other, far more serious, items we’ve discovered.”
Mom looked only
at İbrahim Bey the Supervisor.
“The insects aren’t what concern me. But the other things …”
“What are you talking about, İbrahim Bey? Just say it. Do you mean the letters?”
Mom knows too! But there’s more than just letters inside those envelopes. There are photos, too. But the butterflies! Ali’s going to be so happy. We did it! We got the butterflies into Parliament.
“Please come with me, Sevgi. Would you mind staying here, Abdullah Bey? There’s no reason to make this more unpleasant than it already is.”
“But I found them, İbrahim Bey. I can show you exactly where they are.”
“That’s enough. You can go back to your desk.”
“But we need to launch an official investigation.”
“I’ll decide what’s necessary, Abdullah Bey. Right after you, Sevgi Hanım.”
We’re going to see the butterflies! I was skipping and dancing when Mom grabbed my arm.
“What are you doing, Ayşe?”
“Nothing. We got the butterflies into Parliament. You said we couldn’t. You were sad. Now the butterflies are—”
“Ayşe! What are you saying?”
We got to the archives. The butterflies were crawling on the shelves. Some fell off and flapped their wings, but they hit the ground. A couple of men were trying to catch them. But it wasn’t easy, because they crawled between files and books and magazines. The windows were opened wide and sunlight came in. I laughed and clapped my hands. The sun is shining on the butterflies. I clapped and clapped. “Fly away, fly away,” I screamed. But they only just woke up from their cocoons, so maybe they’re too sleepy to fly just yet.
İbrahim Bey the Supervisor laughed.
“Sevgi Hanım, look … Muzaffer, you’re here, too. Let’s keep this to ourselves. All right? Obviously, this was Ayşe’s doing, and she’s only a child. We’ve all watched her grow up. I can’t help laughing at what she’s done. But as for the other things, the letters and the childhood photographs—”
“What childhood photographs? İbrahim Bey, I can honestly say I know nothing about them.”
“I’m returning these envelopes to you, Sevgi Hanım. They contain … How do I put this? There are letters and then there are those photographs. I have no choice but to conduct an internal investigation. If Abdullah Bey hadn’t seen them, I would have turned a blind eye to the whole business. Naturally, your husband will not be informed. Have no fear of that.”
“Thank you, İbrahim Bey. I appreciate it.”
Mom’s hands are shaking, and her face is all red and sweaty. She tries to pull me away, but I’m watching the butterflies. “Look, Mom,” I say, “I think they have orange stripes.”
It’s like a dream. For the first time, I see the sun shining on the dark books in the archives. Men are running after the butterflies, laughing. But Mom isn’t. Even Muzaffer laughs, but Mom doesn’t. I wish Ali could be here. I’m glad he’s my friend. Nobody understands but us.
Mom walked on the backs of her shoes all the way home. She didn’t look at me. She cried a little. But Ali will be glad when I tell him. He said we couldn’t help the swans unless we did the butterflies first. Now we can help them! Ali got everything ready, and we can do it now. Me and Ali can do everything.
A Cohesive Society without Class Distinctions
They came real early. The noise woke me up. Mom had just got out of bed, too. She was drinking tea in the kitchen with Auntie Aliye. They’d put Ali on the sofa, with a pillow and a blanket. Mom shouldn’t see me, because she’s still not talking to me. I listened to them from the door. They were almost whispering. Auntie Aliye said to Mom, “If anything happens to us … You’ve got trouble here, too, but it’s worse in our neighborhood. I want to put Ali in your care should something happen to me.”
Mom didn’t say anything at first. She stirred her tea for the longest time. Then she said, “You’ve caught me by surprise … I’ll have to …” Auntie Aliye whispered again.
“I don’t want to be a burden. Never mind, Sevgi Hanım. And anyway—”
“No, not at all. I mean, he’s become almost like a son to us. We’ll do what we can, of course.”
“If you have any doubts …”
“Why would we have any doubts?”
“You’re sure, then.”
“Of course. I agree.”
It went quiet. When Auntie Aliye spoke again it was in a normal voice.
“Never mind, Sevgi Hanım. Forget I said anything. I didn’t say a word, you didn’t hear a word. It never happened.”
Mom talked loud, too.
“Don’t say that, Aliye Hanım! I’m sorry. It’s just that you caught me by surprise.”
“You’ve got your own life to think about. It’s different.”
“What do you mean, different?”
“Ayşe! Sweetie, what are you doing up at this hour? Ali, weren’t you able to fall asleep, my boy?”
When Grandma came out into the hallway and shouted, Mom and Auntie Aliye stopped talking. Ali had been behind me the whole time! He ran off to the living room. I ran after him. Mom was trying to talk to Auntie Aliye, but she went to the back room to change her clothes.
“Aliye Hanım, I’ve offended you. Please don’t.”
“It’s fine, Sevgi Hanım. But this is my last day. I’ll clean everything before I go.”
“You misunderstood me.”
“Enough.”
“Aliye, I understand. I know what it is to live in the slums. At one time, I used to help organize—”
“At one time!”
“Argh!”
They didn’t talk again. I followed Ali into the room with Auntie Aliye. She was mad. She pulled down her skirt. Under it, she was wearing something clear down to her knees. Mom was getting dressed in the room opposite. She got cross because she couldn’t hook her bra. She turned her back to the door, but Auntie Aliye didn’t. I could see her boobs under her white sleeveless shirt. Auntie Aliye tied a white kerchief over her hair while my mother pinned her hair up in the back, quick as can be. They were both talking to themselves. Mom got fed up while she was buttoning up her blouse, and she left half the buttons undone. Auntie Aliye pulled her salwar all the way up to her boobs and pulled her cuffs up to her knees. Mom turned her gray skirt to the front so she could button it, but then she couldn’t turn it back around. Auntie Aliye tried to straighten her slipper with her other foot. She couldn’t, and bent over to do it. They came out of their rooms at the same time and stood there, face to face. But they didn’t talk. I went and stood between them. Mom had started with the wrong button, so all the rest were wrong, too. Auntie Aliye’s shirt was inside out. When Auntie Aliye went to the bathroom to fill up a bucket, Mom got her briefcase and went to the front door.
“Aliye Hanım! You’ve misunderstood. I couldn’t answer right way. Because—”
Her voice got all funny and she slammed the door on her way out. Grandma looked at me. When I didn’t say anything, she went off to the bathroom to talk to Aliye Hanım.
“What’s going on, Aliye Hanım? And so early in the morning.”
“Nothing. Pay us no mind. Today’s my last day, so tell me if there’s anything extra you want done.”
“Your last day? Whatever do you mean?”
That’s all Auntie Aliye said. She walked off with her bucket, spilling water on the way, with Grandma following her. “Aliye Hanım, shall I take the children to Swan Park today?” Grandma asked. When Auntie Aliye said “Okay,” I screamed out loud.
“Ali! We’re going to the park. Ali! The butterflies got into Parliament. And they flew, sort of. The butterflies.”
He was playing with his strings.
“Be quiet! Didn’t you hear them? We’re never coming again.”
“I heard, but …”
“We’re not coming again. We can’t do anything.”
“But the butterflies got into Parliament. I did all my jobs.”
Ali didn’t say anything. He was mad at m
e. I went to my room. He’s probably ashamed because he didn’t do his jobs. That’s why he’s like this.
—
Ayşe’s grandma got dressed. She told me Jale Hanım was going to come, too. I don’t like that lady. Neither does Ayşe. Me and Ayşe aren’t talking today. She doesn’t understand anything. She doesn’t know what’s going on. She doesn’t know about the trial, about Hüseyin Abi, about Birgül Abla, about Maraş. All she knows is Şokella. She thinks getting the butterflies into Parliament is such a big deal. But that’s the easy part. If she’s so smart, let her find some chloroform and a wheelbarrow. She gave me all the hard jobs because she’s rich. I’d tell her if her Mom hadn’t made my mom so mad. This time, I’m standing with my mom. Not with Ayşe. Mom said, “We pay the price while they play at being revolutionaries! I spit on them!” She’s awfully mad. Her forehead is sweating. Maybe she’s mad because we won’t be able to get meat at Gima anymore. She keeps talking to herself.
“It’s not as if I asked them to adopt him. Well, who needs them!”
—
I tried to talk to Ali, but he won’t leave his mother’s side. She’s talking to herself, though, not him. She’s mad at my mom. But Mom didn’t say anything about the letters. She didn’t have a chance. I understand, but I won’t tell. I promised Mom. It was more than a promise. I swore it on my heart. She won’t tell Dad about the butterflies, and I won’t tell about Uncle Önder. Mom cried when we talked about it last night.
“Those letters and files were entrusted to me, Ayşe. You’ll understand what that means when you grow up. They were given to me for safekeeping and I failed. It’s shameful to let anyone down like that. That’s how you lose people’s trust. Now, I want you to promise you won’t say anything to your father about this, and I won’t say anything about the silkworms.”
I can’t tell Auntie Aliye. I won’t tell her that Mom hid the letters in the closet. What happens if she hides Ali and then they find him? That’s what’s worrying her. But I can’t tell Auntie Aliye!
The Time of Mute Swans Page 24