by Cameron Jace
3
A Town Called Snoring
Loki didn’t have the luxury to return to a house or a family like other teens. He spent nights sleeping in his Cadillac, one of the few gadgets the Council had provided him with on his journey in the Ordinary World.
In the beginning, Loki thought he’d be able to park his car in the suburbs and sleep in it, but he was wrong. House owners mistook him for a creep or intruder and woke him up in the middle of the night, prompting him to leave. A ninety-year-old woman once accused him of being a peeping tom. She tried smashing his window with a frying pan as the rest of the neighborhood threw eggs at him. He had lost his money to a hole in his pocket that day so he didn’t mind the raw eggs. They tasted good as long as he licked them from his face and not from the ground.
Loki couldn’t afford parking lots for his Cadillac, and he didn’t have friends who’d let him sleep over and park in their garages. For weeks, he ended up guarding his car at night instead of sleeping in it. Carmen was old, unregistered, had broken headlights, and out of the ordinary plates, which read:
H… is Where the Heart is.
The space after the letter ‘h’ was worn out, and Loki thought the missing letters would make the word: home.
He thought it was such a clichéd phrase. To him, home was Heaven where he came from and belonged to. This awful Ordinary World wasn’t home, and was never going to be. Home had nothing to do with the heart. It was just a place where he could be treated with dignity, get some decent sleep, and remember who he really was.
Loki also avoided the police. Almost sixteen, he hadn’t applied for a driver’s license yet, and the police usually suspected Carmen of being a stolen car. Also, the police didn’t believe vampire hunters existed, so Loki didn’t know how to explain the stakes and hunting tools in the trunk of his Cadillac. To the police, everything about Loki had ‘lunatic’ written all over it, and he didn’t want to end up in jail. His life was a bad joke already, and a night in jail was a night wasted without trying to kill a vampire so he could leave this stupid world and go back to Heaven.
At some point, he decided he’d sneak into the garages of abandoned houses. He thought he’d roll up the windows, lock the car from inside, and hide under a blanket until the morning sun came.
He was wrong again.
The houses were ghost carnivals, and they wouldn’t let him sleep. He was used to ghosts, but not to girl ghosts. They were no different from demon girls.
He ended up driving away and hiding his Cadillac in the thick bushes in the forest. It was a shaky ride, but he’d finally found a place where he could sleep. Well, only until the frogs started croaking.
Loki’s biggest fear was frogs. When they croaked, he felt as if a giant monster was roaring at him. The croaking sound was the scariest thing Loki had ever heard, and he wasn’t talking about the ribbet, ribbet part. He was scared of the other sounds frogs made: crooock, crrrrooock.
Sometimes he dreamed of frogs wanting to kiss him.
“Yucccckk! I’m not going to kiss a frog!” Loki woke up screaming and drove away from the bushes, his hands shaking on the wheel.
Eventually, Loki decided to use a fortune cookie the Council of Heaven had given him through Charmwill; it was to help him when he needed to make a tough decision. It was an enchanted fortune cookie. Whenever Loki asked it something and crushed it open, an answer appeared written on a small piece of gummy paper from inside it. It turned back into a fortune cookie on its own afterwards, so he could question it again later. Loki loved the taste of the gummy paper, chewing the answer away—it tasted accordingly of the answer itself; bitter answer, bitter taste, and vice versa. The fortune cookie was Charmwill’s least favorite gadget, but Loki loved it. He named it Sesame.
When Loki asked Sesame where to park his Cadillac, he got the strangest answer. The small piece of gummy paper read: pet cemeteries.
Loki liked the idea; pet cemeteries were only occupied with dead animals. There were no humans, zombies, or sleepwalking dead girls to interrupt his sleep; just cats, dogs, and other pets. He’d heard about animals returning from their graves as zombies, but he knew he could deal with them. He loved zombies more than vampires; they were slow, funny, brainless, and easy to kill. Loki hoped people didn’t bury frogs in the pet cemetery.
His first night in the pet cemetery was the hardest. He didn’t mind that the dead animals woke up and played drums on the roof of his Cadillac, or that they killed each other in a zombie dogs-and-cats fist fight. What he didn’t expect was them to talk to him.
“Loki!” a cat meowed outside his car, scratching its nails on the window. “Open up!”
Loki opened one eye, still tucked under the blanket, thinking he was dreaming, but then he heard another sound.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
Loki lifted his neck from under the blanket and saw who was knocking. It was a squirrel.
“You’ll be alright, Loco,” the squirrel said. “Want a nut?”
“This isn’t really happening, right?” Loki squinted “I’m not going nuts, am I?”
“You’re not nuts,” the squirrel said, looking at him with its big curious eyes. “I’m offering you a nut in exchange for letting me sleep in the car because it’s really cold out here. Ignore the cat. It has nothing to offer you.”
Loki tilted his head to the side and saw a black scruffy cat nodding its head.
“Please, don’t speak,” Loki begged it with sleepy eyes.
“OK, I won’t…” the cat meowed. “Until you tell me to. But do you think it will be long? Can I sing a song to you until I’m allowed to speak, or is my voice up to your standards?”
“Oh, no,” Loki crept back under the blanket and stuffed cotton into his ears. There was nothing he could do. It was the only place where he could sleep, and it made him want to go back to Heaven even more. The Ordinary World was just horrible. “I swear I’m going to kill every vampire I see until I get out of this world,” he sighed.
Even though he loved squirrels he had grown weary of them calling him ‘Loco’ and telling him that he was going to be alright.
“I’m not alright,” he growled from under his blanket. “I’m a loser, and stop calling me Loco!”
In the morning, Loki crushed Sesame open and asked it where he should go next; sometimes, it knew where the next vampire would be, and if not, the gummy paper would at least helped ease his growling stomach—he was only allowed to ask Sesame one question per day.
The paper read: go to Snoring.
Snoring was the town where Loki went to school, and where Charmwill Glimmer lived, disguised as his teacher in Boring High, named after Snoring’s founding father Snoring Von Boring; it was a mystery if that was his name or a grand joke.
Some people liked to call the town the Great Snoring as they thought the word great made it sound more important. Loki thought both names were horrible.
Charmwill had advised Loki to attend school and get good grades. He thought getting a proper education would be plan B for Loki in case he failed in his mission and couldn’t go back to Heaven. There was one catch though; that Loki had to pay for his school. To do that, he had to keep killing vampires for money just like he had tried to do yesterday.
The sun was shining high when Loki entered Snoring, reading the welcome sign by the entrance:
Welcome to the Great Snoring.
A little lower, someone had paint-brushed the words:
Where dreams come true….LoL
A little lower, someone carved the letters with a knife:
Zzzzzz!
“Yeah, right,” Loki said, steering the wheel.
Snoring was so boring that students went back to school on weekends. School was just as boring, but it made them feel somewhat alive in this forgotten two-story town. Other students sought adventure outside the borders by attending the masquerade parties in abandoned houses on the weekends, but only a few came back.
Loki parked his Cadillac in the school’s bus
y parking lot, and sighed.
“It’s only one week before I turn sixteen, and I haven’t killed half the vampires I need to go back,” he talked to Carmen who played a song called ‘We’ll Make Heaven on a Place Called Earth’ for him.
“Shut up, Carmen. I’m not going to spend the rest of my life here. What am I going to do?” Loki snapped.
The Cadillac shook momentarily and grey foam spread out at the front. It was Carmen’s way of shrugging her shoulders at Loki’s question.
“Fix the stupid car!” Loki heard a student shout from the distance. The others laughed at him.
Slouched, Loki reached for his backpack and got out, now dressed in his only white shirt and blue jeans with holes in his pockets. It was frustrating that Charmwill forbade him from kicking any students’ butt in school, so he played nice most of the time, clinching his fist behind his back and imagining this was only a nightmare.
Although Charmwill Glimmer’s history class was fun, Loki was late again. Charmwill didn’t believe in history books; he claimed they had all been forged. So instead of teaching history, he read fairy tales to the students, and they loved it. It was only Loki who didn’t believe in fairy tales, especially true love’s kisses, which reminded him of frogs.
No one knew Charmwill was Loki’s guardian, disguised as a teacher to stay close and watch over him in his journey. But Charmwill wasn’t always helpful. Sometimes, he was a little tough on Loki; at least he didn’t embarrass him by wearing a cloak. Charmwill wore modern clothes that fit with his teacher disguise in the Ordinary World.
“Late again, Mr. Loki,” Charmwill said without raising his head from the Book of Beautiful Lies he was reading from. Most of the girls in class had their chin rested on their hands as they listened to Charmwill’s tales. Boys fidgeted or secretly flew paper planes at the daydreaming girls.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Glimmer,” Loki said.
Girls turned their heads at him. Loki pursed his lips. Although he liked many of them, it was better to treat them like the flu than to fall in love with one and end up finding out she was a demon.
“‘Sorry’ is the worst word in history, and it’s a lame excuse for losers, Mr. Blackstar,” Charmwill said. “Will that be your answer to my next exam?”
“With all due respect, sir, you don’t teach us history,” Loki shrugged. “All you teach us is fairy tales. They’re all boring, clichéd, and easy to predict.”
“Is that so?” Charmwill turned to Loki, staring at him from behind his glasses. “Can you tell me then what the pigeons did to Cinderella’s stepsisters in the end of the Brothers Grimm fairy tale?”
“There were pigeons in Cinderella’s tale?” Loki’s eyebrows furrowed. “Hmm…kissed her and turned into a Prince Charming?” Loki guessed.
“I know the answer, sir,” a noisy girl with bushy red hair raised her hand while looking at Loki. Her name was Pippi Luvbug. She had that hazy aura about her, too dreamy, too enthusiastic, and very annoying. Loki knew she had a crush on him, and had tried to avoid her repeatedly. “I know the answer,” she stretched her hand as if wanting to go to the bathroom, not answer a question.
“Please enlighten Mr. Blackstar for me, Miss Luvbug,” Charmwill rubbed his beard, proud of his enthusiastic student.
Pippi stood up, fixed her dress a little, and brushed her teeth with her forefinger before talking. “The pigeons picked out both of their eyes, sir,” she said happily.
“Awesome answer,” Charmwill said. “Thank you, Miss Luvbug. You can sit down now.”
Pippi winked at Loki before sitting down. He found it rather creepy that the girl who was so happy with pigeons pecking out people’s eyes, winked at him. Deep inside, Loki felt funny about the strange fact he’d missed in the Cinderella story.
So fairy tales aren’t all about kisses, frogs, and princes? Why didn’t anyone tell me about this awesome tale of pigeons pecking out eyes when I was a kid? Oh, that’s right; I can’t even remember being a kid.
Charmwill allowed Loki inside, and continued reading. Loki sat next to Pippi who couldn’t stop looking at him and was sitting too close for comfort. Sometimes, Loki didn’t always think of Pippi as a bother, even if she was a little bit off her rocker. He could relate to that. What really aggravated him was that he actually found her attractive.
Don’t trust her. She might be a demon. She just enrolled in school last week, and you know nothing about her. Are you going to make the same mistake that got you kicked out of the pearly gates?
Loki avoided Pippi until the bell of freedom rang and class was over. He had to meet up with Charmwill to report his failed attempts at killing Dork Dracula, and he wanted to discuss the weird phone call from Igor the Magnificent.
Walking the empty corridor on the last floor, which led to Charmwill’s office, the storage door opened suddenly and someone pulled him inside. Loki didn’t have time to pull out his stake, but he eased up a bit when he saw it was Pippi. She closed the door, leaving them stuck in the tight place among brooms and stinky cleaning buckets.
“Kiss me, Loki,” Pippi pulled him closer to her.
“What?” Loki panicked while detergents fell from the shelves.
“Kiss me, just like in fairy tales,” she closed her eyes, and pursed her lips, stretching them out like a duck’s beak. “Let me know if you’re the one for me.”
“Get off me, Pippi,” Loki said. She had wrapped her legs around him and he couldn’t set himself free. Looking at her, he confessed, “I don’t want to kiss you, and I don’t believe in that crap about true love’s kiss!” he said; trying to push her away, but Pippi had limbs like an octopus and they were sticking to him.
Pippi opened her eyes, disappointed with Loki. She pulled him even closer and plunged her lips onto his. Loki felt like he was struck by lightning. He’d never kissed a girl in ordinary life before—and he couldn’t remember if he had before he was banned. Even from Pippi, it felt so…so…good. Why hadn’t he tried this before? Ah, he forgot. He wasn’t allowed to.
Suddenly, Loki forgot he was a vampire hunter. The hell with going back home, this feels so good. This kissing thing was awesome. It didn’t really feel like true love, but it felt pleasant. He found himself giving in to Pippi and kissing her back, closing his eyes.
After she pulled away, he had a dreamy smile on his face, neglecting the stinky smell of brooms. He felt as if tiny lovebirds tweeted all around his head.
Happily, he opened his eyes, and that was when something crazy happened.
Pippi Luvbug, the quirky redhead wasn’t herself anymore. She had simply turned into a red eyed, pale skinned, vampire with fangs and yellow eyes. Something crawled under her skin, and Loki thought wherever it was looked like tiny eels.
“Welcome to hell, Loki,” she said in an awful voice that reminded him of croaking frogs again.
What have I done? I messed up again.
The storage room was too narrow, and there wasn’t enough time for Loki to reach for the stake from his backpack. He was about to get bitten by a vampire. One thing that crossed his mind was that he really didn’t want to die in school. What an awful place to die.
Suddenly, the door sprung open and light shone through. It was Charmwill Glimmer. He pulled Loki back and staked Pippi mercilessly in the chest, almost pinning her to the wall. Shocked, her body kept wriggling for a while before she gave in and died.
“Wait for me in my office,” Charmwill said. “I will take care of the body.”
Running back to the office, Loki thought about how crazy it would look like if someone saw Charmwill killing Pippi. Maybe they would think of him as a sadistic, mad teacher who kills his students. Most of the town’s people were looking for the person who murdered their children at parties, and if anyone saw him it wouldn’t look good. Loki entered the office and waited for Charmwill. He just hoped he wouldn’t be furious with him.
“I am sorry, sir,” Loki said once Charmwill burst into the room and locked it from the inside.
; “I don’t think that I taught you to spend your life apologizing,” Charmwill said as his Book of Beautiful Lies turned back into Pickwick the Parrot.
“I am Pickwick,” the parrot said to Loki. “And I am mute.”
“I’m Loki,” Loki patted Pickwick. “And I am hopeless.”
Charmwill eyed Loki for a moment, but he didn’t comment. “I assume you killed your thirty-eighth vampire yesterday,” he said.
“No, sir,” Loki lowered his head a little. “I failed.”
“And what was it this time? Did Donnie Cricketkiller kill the vampire first?” Charmwill inquired, leaning back at his desk.
“He did, eventually. But that wasn’t why I failed,” Loki shrugged. “The vampire had a squirrel taped over its heart, and I wanted to save the squirrel.”
“Saved the squirrel, huh,” Charmwill lit up his pipe, staring out his window.
Sometimes, Loki didn’t understand Charmwill. He wished he could read his mind. Had Charmwill become accustomed to Loki’s failure at killing vampires?
“Hmm…” Loki broke the silence. “I wanted to tell you something strange that happened to me yesterday.”
“Oh?” Charmwill still stared out the window.
“This girl, Lucy Rumpelstein, who hired me to kill the vampire, had someone from her town call me in the middle of the hunt and offer me a full year of schooling, free of charge if I kill a hundred year old vampire in their town.”
“Go on,” Charmwill puffed more smoke. It smelled really good, but Loki never dared ask what it was. “Sounds like a good job offer.”
“The thing is the vampire is a—“Loki said, “a girl.”
Pickwick flew away from Loki’s shoulder to Charmwill’s, as if it sensed Loki’s weakness.
“I just saved you from a demon girl,” Charmwill said. “She’s been sitting in class next to you for a week. She’s been playing games with you, and you couldn’t figure out that she was a vampire. You wasted a good opportunity to kill another vampire, and when she tempted you, you gave in and were about to get killed,” Charmwill spoke slowly, sounding considerate more than disappointed. Loki wanted to tell him that the kiss was really good, that he was only fifteen and shouldn’t have to be killing vampires, that he should have be having fun, but he worried Charmwill would come unglued and turn him into another Pickwick. “After all that I’ve mentioned, please explain to me how you’re considering killing another vampire girl?”