by Lee, Rachel
She nodded, and he was sure she was going to back away. He forced himself to loosen his arms, to give her room to take that step, even though he couldn’t stand the thought.
But she didn’t back away. Instead she looped her arms around his neck. “I know,” she whispered just before her mouth found his again.
His blood was pounding like the surf before a storm. Bending, he slipped his arm behind her knees and lifted her against his chest.
“This is it,” he heard himself mutter. “Say no now.”
But she didn’t say no. She let her head fall into the crook between his shoulder and neck, and damned if he didn’t feel her tongue run along his skin.
He fumbled at the door, got it open, kicked it shut. He carried her to the bedroom he was using and laid her down on the coverlet. The lights were on, and she blinked as if they bothered her. He wished he could turn them out, but he wasn’t sure what would happen if he did. What if his terrors took over and ruined this? Despite all the progress he’d made, he still didn’t trust himself.
But she was probably shy, and he had the distinct impression she had never made love before. The way she had talked about her boyfriend, he was almost sure that Callie was a virgin. If the lights bothered her…
No, he couldn’t. He just had to hope she wouldn’t become too embarrassed.
And that gave him pause yet again. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d made love with a sexually inexperienced woman—if ever. Even his wife had been experienced when he met her. He knew the idea would excite many men, but all it did was fill him with trepidation. Talk about pitfalls and minefields.
“Chase?” She was looking up at him, her expression confused, the early signs of hurt around her eyes. His dawdling was making her unsure.
Dropping to his knees beside the bed, he caught her face between his hands and kissed her deeply. “Just be sure,” he said huskily. “Just be sure….”
“I am. Very sure.”
And she was. Because the peace that had filled her when she accepted that Chase had to do this dive or his life wouldn’t be worth living now told her how precious every moment had become. There was a new strength in her, a strength born of resignation.
All her life she had thought that resignation was weakness, that a strong person fought against things they didn’t like, and fought for what they wanted. But tonight she had discovered that resignation could make her strong. That accepting what could not be changed and dealing with it was a different kind of power.
And she felt powerful now. More powerful than she had ever felt. Chase might die on his dive, he might be gone forever in a day or two or three, but she had the power to take what she wanted from these precious few hours. The power to give herself and give all the feelings she had for him, feelings that she had fought hard to deny. The power to accept his feelings for her. The power to make memories that she would regret only if she refused them.
The lights bothered her eyes, but only her eyes. She didn’t want to cast him into darkness for these priceless hours. She wanted what was between them to be as far removed from the darkness as was humanly possible. Light and life and love. That was all that should mark this time.
Lifting her arms, she looped them around his neck and drew him down for another kiss. Supine on the bed, offering herself to him, she had never felt so free or so right. This was meant to be.
He sprinkled kisses all over her face, gentle caresses that tried to be as reassuring as they were hungry. His hands began to wander over her curves, making them his, thrilling her to her very core. No one had ever touched her like this, stroking her as if he wanted to give as much pleasure as he took. Mel had been a grabber, and she had always told herself that sex was something she didn’t like, and had used waiting for marriage as an excuse not to go all the way with him.
She discovered differently now. There could be no future with Chase, and so she wanted whatever he could give her, wanted the emotional closeness that could come from lovemaking. Now she discovered she could be a creature of passion, and could want the sex as much as the closeness.
Soft little sounds formed in the back of her throat, and she lifted into his touches as unself-consciously as a cat. Her needs were taking over, driving all thought from her mind. Before he had even loosened a button, she was riding a wave that wouldn’t let her off.
He cast his clothes aside. She knew a moment of distress when his hands and mouth stopped touching her, and she opened her eyes to beg him not to stop. What she saw made her breath lock in her throat. The male form held no shocks for her, but Chase’s body was a thing of beauty. Lean, tanned, and hard-muscled from work and swimming, he suddenly seemed to her to have all the perfection of Michelangelo’s David.
Propelled by wonder as much as need, she rose on her knees on the bed and reached for him, running her palms over him wherever she could reach, longing to learn him with all her senses, longing to engrave the feeling of him forever on her mind. She hardly noticed when he tugged her shirt over her head, felt annoyed when he interrupted her caresses long enough to pull away her shorts, her shoes, and her underthings.
And then she was as naked as he, and nothing, absolutely nothing, had ever felt so right and good. When he pulled her to him, and their bodies met full length for the first time with nothing between then, she discovered that there was no sensation more exquisite than skin on skin.
The throbbing deep within her bloomed again, making her knees feel weak and her body feel languorous. As if he sensed it, he lifted her, the world spun, then they were lying on the bed, face-to-face.
“Perfect,” he whispered as his hands ran over her, discovering every hill and hollow. She replied in kind, discovering his angles and planes. Each touch seemed to lift her higher on the crest of the wave, until she didn’t know where he began and she ended. Each and every touch, whether hers or his, fueled the hard ache building deep within her.
He fondled her breasts with all the intensity of a man who had just discovered something of remarkable beauty and wonder, tracing their curves, testing their fullness, and finally, when she didn’t think she could stand the anticipation another moment, kissing her there.
He drew her nipple into his mouth and sucked, and each time he drew on her, the tension in her center grew even stronger, spreading until it seemed to fill her entire being.
She was gasping and whimpering, taken so far out of herself that she hardly knew what she was doing. Eager to make him feel what he was making her feel, she reciprocated, twisting until she was able to find his small nipples with her tongue. He arched and groaned, pressing his hardness into her belly. Encouraged, she sucked on him as he had sucked on her, and felt ripples of pleasure run through him.
Power, she discovered, was a heady thing, and she had power then, the power to make him writhe and groan just as he did to her. Delight exploded within her, and she explored him further, discovering the hard planes of his belly with her mouth. But when she tried to move lower, he stopped her with a ragged laugh.
“You do that,” he whispered roughly on short puffs of air, “and we’ll be done before we start…”
Heady delight filled her, then gave way to a renewed rush of passion as he rolled her beneath him, pressing his manhood to her dewy center. The sensation was exquisite, so exquisite, and she adjusted herself to him, bringing him closer still, and arching her hips as she tried to get more of what she needed.
Gently he rocked against her, sweeping her higher and higher as his mouth continued to forage her curves. Her body took over, taking her to places she’d never been, guiding her toward the place she wanted to go. The roar in her ears sounded like the pounding of surf, and she felt as if she teetered at the very top of a breaking wave, afraid of falling and afraid of not falling.
Then, with a long, slow thrust, Chase entered her. There was a moment of ripping pain that caused her to catch her breath in shock. He froze, cradling her head in his hands.
“Are you okay?” he whispere
d. “Calypso?”
The hot, burning pain was already subsiding, and she managed a nod even though the moment of shock had cast her down from her high pinnacle and thrown her back into harsh awareness of reality.
But her body hadn’t forgotten its purpose, and when Chase began to sprinkle gentle kisses on her face and throat, and moved gently within her, it was as if the interruption had never occurred. She was once again dancing on the breakers, trying to keep her balance only to find that losing it was the answer she’d been seeking all along.
With a cry torn from deep within, she tumbled into the calm pool of completion. Seconds later, she heard Chase’s cry as he followed her.
Laughing like kids, they raided the refrigerator, and Chase made them both sandwiches from leftover chicken, waiting on Callie as if she were a princess. They ate at the table, sitting as close as they could get, touching often and frequently. It was the headiest, most perfect hour of Callie’s life.
They talked about a lot of things, none of it important, both of them resolutely avoiding the shadows that lay ahead, seizing the moment because it might be all they ever had. A bittersweet feeling gradually filled the air.
“Let’s go for a moonlight swim,” Chase suggested.
Callie looked at him in amazement. He was proposing to face his fear of darkness and his fear of the water all at the same time. She was about to make an excuse, to spare him, but then she realized that in a way this would be a trial run for his dive. If he was going to panic in the dark water, it would be best to find out now.
She would have gone naked to the water, but then she remembered the red eyes in the woods. What if someone were out there? So she put on her maillot, though Chase didn’t don anything at all. He teased her for her modesty, but his eyes said he understood her fear of watchers.
The moon was higher now, casting its silvery cascade over the world, driving the shadows farther under the trees. The water was warm, clinging to the day’s heat, so comfortable that Callie thought this must be what it was like to float in the womb. Lying on her back, she let the waves rock her as she looked up at the thousands of stars overhead. Chase floated beside her, his hand locked with hers.
After a while, Chase put his feet down and drew her close, kissing her gently as she floated. “Let’s go in,” he said. “I can feel you’re getting cold.”
But she stayed where she was, floating. “This is magical,” she said softly. “It’s like being in free fall. I feel as if I’m drifting among the stars.”
“That’s what it feels like diving,” he said. “Floating free in the sunlight—at least until I go deeper. Flying like a bird…”
Fear settled like lead in her stomach, and suddenly she didn’t find the night so enchanting. Dropping her feet to the bottom, she said, “Let’s go in. I’m freezing.”
“I’m sorry,” he said, as they stood shivering in the bathroom, toweling dry. “I ruined the mood.”
“It’s okay,” she said. “It’s okay.” No point in living in a fool’s paradise any longer.
“No, it’s not okay. I should have kept my yap shut.”
“Why?” She looked at him, feeling the muscles of her face tightening with suppressed emotion. “Why shouldn’t you be able to say what you’re feeling? So diving is like flying. I can handle that.”
“But you can’t handle me diving.”
“Sure I can,” she said with more conviction than she felt. “You’re going to do it, and I’m not going to stand in your way. Easy enough.”
Dropping her towel on the edge of the tub, she headed for her bedroom. “I’m going to get dressed, then make something hot to drink.”
She felt his eyes on her as she walked away, and wondered why she was feeling as if her heart had been flayed alive.
CHAPTER 18
Morning arrived all too quickly, bringing harsh reality along with it. Callie slipped out of bed, taking care not to disturb Chase. The previous night she had wanted to sleep in her own bed, but somehow she had let herself be drawn into Chase’s bed, where he had cuddled her close until she drifted off.
She had the feeling that he hadn’t slept at all, at least not until the sun had risen. The lights had stayed on all night, and now she quietly turned them off. Pausing by the bed and looking at him, she thought he appeared exhausted. She stood over him a minute, and tried to quell the feelings of love, concern, and worry that came over her.
She was, it seemed, destined to lose everyone she loved. Chase would go on that dive and never return. Jeff would be convicted…
No! The word was like a thunderclap in her head. She couldn’t allow any of that to happen. She might not be able to prevent Chase from taking his dive, but she could damn well do everything possible to ensure it was a safe dive.
And no matter what it took, she was going to discover what had happened on the Island Dream the day those two men had been murdered. If that meant letting Chase dive, she would do it. For him and for Jeff. Apparently that was the only hope she had of saving them both.
Stealing out of the bedroom, she went to the kitchen where she started a pot of coffee. She didn’t feel like eating, but her stomach was rolling with nausea, so she made some instant grits to quell it. Standing at the sink while the microwave hummed and the coffeemaker hissed, she looked out on the sun-dappled morning and wondered how the world could look so beautiful when her whole life was going to hell.
“Good morning.”
Chase’s voice startled her, but she refused to turn and look at him. “Good morning,” she said, her voice flat and heavy.
He came up behind her and slipped his arms around her. She shivered as he dropped a kiss on the shell of her ear, and wondered why her body wouldn’t listen to her brain. It had betrayed her last night, and now it was about to do it again.
“Listen,” he said. “I’ve been thinking about this dive. I understand why you’re so worried about it. So… can we talk to Jeff’s lawyer and see what she thinks? If she thinks it won’t help at all to find out if Bill lied on his report, then I won’t dive the wreck again.”
Something inside her started to shatter, and she could feel grief beginning to ooze through the cracks, threatening to flood her. “You’d do that for me?”
“Yeah, I would.”
She turned to face him then, tears beginning to blur her vision. “Caring about my feelings is a high-maintenance task, apparently. I ask too much of everyone.”
“Callie…”
She shook her head. “No, don’t tell me I’m not right. I know I am. I’ve been asking too much of Jeff for years, and now I’m asking too much of you. You go on that dive because you need to, Chase. Don’t cripple yourself to spare my feelings.”
He looked down at her, his expression grave. “Callie, you’re entitled to your feelings.”
“And so are you! That’s my problem, you know. I expect everyone I care about to do what I want so I don’t have to be afraid or worry. If I had my way, I’d probably lock everybody I care about into a safe little box where nothing bad could happen to them. That’s not fair to anyone! And I have no right to ask that of anyone.”
He nodded slowly, but she wasn’t sure he was agreeing with her. A tear escaped and rolled down her cheek.
“I’m selfish,” she said. “I should be happy for Jeff that he’s doing what he wants with his life. Instead I’m trying to turn him into something he would hate to be just so I don’t have to be afraid every time he goes out in his boat. That’s ridiculous! People go out to sea all the time and come back safely. God knows Jeff has been doing it since he was sixteen.”
“Calypso…”
But she was in no mood to be silenced now that she was spilling her heart about her own flaws. “And you,” she said. “How many dives have you made safely? Hundreds? And probably the only reason that anything went wrong on your last one was that someone sabotaged you. So why shouldn’t you dive again? Because I’m afraid? Because I’m such a selfish scaredy cat, should you have to spend
the rest of your life doubting yourself? Should you have to spend the rest of your life separated from something you obviously love?”
“Callie…”
But she kept right on going. “I’m trying to cripple both of you. Both of you. And for no better reason than that I can’t learn to accept my father’s death as one of those cosmic accidents of life. Because I can’t learn to cope with a basic fact of human existence, a fact that all of us have to live with: that sooner or later we all lose the people we love.”
“Callie…”
She shook her head. “You go on that dive. And when I get Jeff off this murder charge, I’m going to help him get a better boat. All he’s ever wanted to do was go to sea, and I’ve been fighting him…” She trailed off into a sob and tried toturn away, but he caught her close and hugged her tight
“It’s okay, Calypso,” he murmured, stroking her back and kissing her hair. “It’s okay. You have every right to be afraid.”
“Maybe,” she said brokenly. “But that doesn’t give me the right to cripple anyone else.”
“Maybe not. But don’t you ever think you don’t have a right to be afraid. And don’t you ever think that you don’t have a right to express those fears and concerns. You’re entitled to that, honey. Everyone is.”
“But I’m not entitled to act the way I do when y’ all don’t agree with me. And I’m not entitled to ask people to change their entire lives because I’m afraid.” Lifting a hand, she dashed away her tears. “You go on that dive, Chase. Because you need to. For yourself.”
“I still want to talk to Jeff’s attorney first.”
“Then let me call her. Maybe we can drive in to Key West and see her for a few minutes. I need to sign those papers anyway.”
“Okay. And I’ll buy you breakfast.”
“I can make breakfast,” she protested.
He shook his head. “I don’t want you waiting on me, or cooking for me, or any of that other stuff. I’m old enough to take care of myself, and I’m comfortable enough to buy us both breakfast.”