by Nancy Barone
In the end I called Emma, wondering if she might come and pick me up because I couldn’t take another step.
‘Of course, where are you?’
‘Uhm, not quite sure. Definitely on the outskirts of Truro.’
Silence. ‘What the hell are you doing down there?’
‘Long story,’ I said. ‘Oh, wait, there’s a pub, Smuggler’s Rest. I’ll wait for you in there, okay?’
‘Won’t be a mo,’ she promised.
‘Thanks, Em.’
Shoes in hand, I walked into the place, fitting in immediately with the misfits in there. Smuggler’s Rest was right. It looked as if every down-and-out in the whole of Cornwall had found its way out here. And then I realised I was in the middle of a movie set. Not shooting at the moment, but all the cameras and props were there.
The male lead, handsome but nowhere near Luke’s stature, was practising a scene with his co-star in which he was begging her over a ploughman’s to marry him. I wanted to cry. Go for it, I almost said. Somewhere, there’s someone for everyone. You just have to find him.
‘Nina?’ came a familiar voice, but not Emma’s.
I looked up. Jack…?
He slid into the booth opposite me. ‘Are you all right? Emma sounded concerned. She said you didn’t know where you were?’
‘Hmmm…’ I nodded absently.
‘What the hell are you doing here?’
‘I went to the mechanic’s.’
‘Stuart’s? You know he’s a thief. Why didn’t you call me?’
‘Because I’m always calling you, Jack. I can’t do anything on my own, and that’s not good. Ever since Luke disappeared it’s like I don’t know how to do anything anymore…’
His mouth tightened. ‘Nonsense. You don’t need him, Nina. Look at what a good job you’ve done raising your children on your own.’
‘Yeah,’ I half-snorted, half-bawled. ‘Look what a proper job indeed. My house is falling apart, my finances are practically null, my son is disabled, my daughter is running riot shoplifting, and there’s absolutely nothing I can do to fix it all! What a mess I am, Jack! Stay away from me before I screw you up, too!’
Jack put his hand on mine. ‘First of all, that was just an isolated incident of Chloe’s.’
‘No, you don’t understand, she did it to attract my attention. I’m so focused on survival that I’ve forgotten how to savour the good moments in life.’ I buried my head into my arms on the table. ‘One day when I’m old I’ll be looking out the window of an old folks’ home wondering why my kids don’t ever come and visit!’
He laughed. ‘Nina, stop. Your kids love you. And for the record, Ben is not disabled.’
‘He will be, because I can’t afford all his treatments. They’re so expensive that not even ten advances would cover it! I can barely afford the flights to the US, let alone the surgery!’
‘You don’t need any flights to the US. I’ve found someone in France.’
I lifted my head, barely able to focus through my tears. ‘What…?’
‘I’ve been reading wonders about him from all over the world. He’s in Normandy. But I wanted to talk to you first. Will you allow me to make an appointment so he can have a look at Ben? I’ll drive you to France.’
I almost rose from my seat, ready to go to Normandy in my bare feet. ‘He can help Ben?’
‘He made no promises, but I’ve explained Ben’s situation, and he said his condition is more common than you’d think, and that he’s helped loads of people.’
I clutched at my heart. ‘Really? He said there’s hope?’
Jack squeezed my hand. ‘There’s always hope, Nina.’
I accepted the tissue that magically appeared in his hands with a timid smile. If Ben could walk freely, without that bloody contraption around his leg, I would be the happiest woman on earth. I’d forgo anything just to give my kids the right tools to carve out a decent life for themselves. Ben wanted to be an explorer, climb mountains and jump out of planes. Not that I was happy with that last scenario, but, oh, I’d give my right arm if only he had the same opportunities as everyone else!
‘Will you let me take you home, now, Nina?’
I nodded, wiping my eyes and reaching for my bag as we left the pub to get into Jack’s SUV. ‘Of course, thank you.’
‘But first, I want to swing round to Stuart’s and make sure he knows who he’s dealing with,’ he said, driving up the steep hill again. No wonder my feet were killing me.
He parked across the street from the garage. ‘You stay here, I’ll talk to him,’ he said, and I sat back, grateful for once that I wouldn’t have to speak to that awful man again.
He was back in two minutes. ‘It’ll be ready tomorrow, free of charge.’
‘Free? How…?’
‘Well, let’s just say that it was a small problem, Nina.’
‘Oh my God, thank you, Jack. I don’t what I’d do without you.’
‘Of course you do.’
We drove home in a companionable silence, and I was reminded of when he had come to retrieve us at Heathrow and driven us all the way home. It was always Jack who stepped up to the plate when this damsel was in distress. The woman who had bagged him was very fortunate indeed.
At the house, I turned before I got out of the car. ‘Thank you, Jack. For everything. Can you stay for dinner?’
He grinned. ‘Love to. Do you need help making your arancini tonight?’ he asked. ‘I’ve got some extra time on my hands.’
‘Uhm, no thanks. I already made them because I won’t be home all day tomorrow. I’ve got a new job.’
‘Oh?’
‘Yeah – Italian-speaking tour guide for Poldark.’
‘That would explain the cheesy outfit. I was wondering.’
I slapped his forearm lightly. It felt good to be back in this place again. ‘Silly.’
‘There it is, the Nina smile…!’
‘I don’t remember the last time I smiled.’
He sighed, shaking his head. ‘Nina… you don’t need to work this hard. I can’t bear to see you like this.’
‘It’s nothing, I’m used to it, Jack. Plus it’s only during school hours. I’ll be home by four, and Deirdre’s already agreed to fetch and keep the kids until I get home.’
‘But, sweetheart, you shouldn’t be killing yourself making arancini or doing tours across the county. You should be sat at your desk writing your next blockbuster. That’s what will make your fortune.’
I shrugged.
‘Why don’t you let me help you?’ he offered. ‘Just enough to keep you going while you write your book.’
‘No! No, thank you, Jack. I haven’t got a book in me at the moment.’ And I realised I had been saying this for years now. Even Alice would have had a right to give up on me, but she never did. One good thing that I had was my people. My tribe. I was so lucky to be surrounded by the salt of the earth. People I was now, however, disappointing – my kids first of all.
‘I’d be surprised if you did, the way you tear across the county for everyone else except for yourself. Nina, just take some time off. Forget the arancini, forget Poldark and just… be a while.’
There was nothing that I wanted more – the chance to just “be” a while. But I couldn’t take his offer, not while I was still paying Alice’s advance off. The ten grand had gone to the school fees and new uniforms and school supplies for the kids and Ben’s consultation in the States, but I didn’t have enough for the follow-up and pre-op visits, let alone the operation itself. It would be good to check this French doctor out.
And then something hit me. Why, if I’d called Emma, had Jack come in her stead? Had they been together?
35
Phoenix
If there was any bright side at all to Luke leaving, it was Chloe’s transformation from resentment to sympathy for me. Instead of being her usual rebellious and selfish self, she found the time to talk to me without asking me for money, or for permission to go somewhere absolutel
y unfit for a girl her age.
‘Do you miss him?’ she asked softly, rubbing my back like I always did to her when she was down.
I was always one to protect my children from my own problems. But if they had brought Chloe back to being my sweet little girl who would hug me just for being me, then I would always be honest with them.
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘But I am also sorry for disappointing you and Ben. I so wanted to make your lives better, and I promise you, I will, Chloe. I’ll get back in the saddle and write my heart out. Full time. I won’t stop until I’ve finished a book. An entire series, in fact.’
‘Mum,’ she said. ‘You haven’t disappointed Ben and me. We are so proud of you, of everything you’ve done since Dad left us.’
I looked into her eyes. Was she serious?
‘Oh, Mum,’ she sobbed, rubbing her forehead against mine. ‘I’m so sorry for being a monster to you! All these years and I blamed you for him leaving.’
I fought back the tears. My baby was growing up. Enough snivelling. It was time to be strong. ‘Oh, no, my darling. You were angry. We all were. But I’ll do everything I can to make sure that scumbag doesn’t get to your money, either. I’ll put it in your names for your college funds.’
At that, she giggled through her tears. ‘Mum! You’ve never talked like that before!’
‘Yes, well, sorry. I can’t always be perfect.’
‘No one ever asked you for that.’
Well, that was a good thing.
‘Can I read your books?’ she asked, blowing me away. She had never ever expressed any interest in my work, always dismissing it as “rubbish”.
I swallowed. ‘Of course. You’re a young woman now. You understand women and their feelings.’ Of which there had been an abundance.
‘Is there a lot of… sex? Because I don’t want to read about you and Dad—’
Was there a lot of sex in my marriage? ‘Absolutely not. It’s more about relationships and problems.’
‘Like money problems?’
I smiled and nodded. I was a specialist in those. I mean, in having money problems. Not solving them. At least not yet.
‘Those, too, yes. And again, it’s fiction. It even says so at the beginning of the book: all characters are purely fictional.’ (That one had got a good laugh out of Alice.)
Chloe eyed me, still unsure. ‘So it’s not about you?’
‘It’s about women like me, Chloe. Maybe even half of the mothers at Northwood, the ones who bad-mouth me. You know how many of them are divorced or unhappy in their marriages and put on an act, just so they can swim in the family money?’
Her blue eyes widened. ‘Really? Maybe that’s why they’re so gossipy?’
I winked at her and she hugged me. ‘I’m sorry for being such a brat, Mum…’
‘I love you, sweetie,’ I reassured her as I breathed in her fresh scent of youth and bubble gum and lip gloss. ‘Always remember that. No matter how difficult it is for your dad and I to get along, I will always love you and Ben to pieces.’
‘Does Dad love us too?’
In his own, twisted, intermittent way, maybe. ‘Of course he does!’ I chimed.
‘So then why did he leave us? Emma told me that he stole all the money that you had earned from your books and put away for our education, and the renovations of the house. And that he even took the rent money you had saved for us to live in a flat so we wouldn’t have to live in a trailer. She told me he left you with nothing, and that the trailer even burned down. Oh, Mum! You must have suffered so much!’
‘Emma told you that?’
Chloe nodded, swiping at a tear. ‘I called her a couple of weeks ago. I had no idea that Dad had done all those bad things to you. He always said he left you because you were boring and you never let him have any fun.’
Oh, he had his fun. ‘It doesn’t matter anymore, Chloe.’
‘Now I understand why you never wanted him back!’
‘Sweetheart, men are not as complicated as we girls tend to think.’
Chloe extracted herself from me and nodded, sniffling. ‘Okay. I’ll read the books. Maybe it’ll help me understand why Simon acts like an arseho— I mean a jerk,’ she corrected herself.
‘Well, if my book doesn’t help, maybe I can?’ I offered.
Chloe looked up at me, the doubts still lingering on her face. ‘Guys aren’t like they used to be, Mum,’ she explained. ‘They’re shallow, mean and inconsiderate…’
‘Not all of them, sweetheart. One day you’ll meet one who will change your mind about the male gender completely.’
Of course I didn’t believe it either, but if you couldn’t have hope for something, what else did we have to live for? Besides, thirteen was way too young to be jaded and disillusioned.
*
A week later, Jack swung by with a huge grin. After we’d chatted for a while, he said, ‘Nina, I have a solution for you.’
‘Please, no charity,’ I begged. ‘No loans, no help.’
‘Agreed. I won’t help you. But you have to help me.’
‘With what?’
‘I am considering a business idea, but I can’t do it alone. I’ll put in the capital, and you help with the legwork. What do you say?’
‘I’m listening.’
‘You know the cider side of the business is doing well.’
‘Yes?’
‘And I’m breaking into the apple crisp market, too, now.’
‘That’s wonderful, Jack! Your parents would be so proud of you.’
He grinned shyly. ‘I’d like to think so. But my real apple passion is about pies.’
‘Pies?’
‘Yeah. Big pies, bite-sized – everything. I’m thinking about getting into the market. I’ve already made a business plan and everything and the numbers are promising. But there’s one not so minor thing.’
‘Being?’
He grinned. ‘I can’t bake to save myself. Would you teach me?’
‘You want to bake the pies yourself?’
‘Initially, yes. My kitchen is massive but I only use it for my apple experiments. If things go well…’
‘Of course I’ll teach you, Jack. It’s the simplest thing in the world.’
‘Thank you. I know it’s a silly request, but I’d like to be able to make my own product, like you do with your arancini.’
‘Shit!’ I swore as I jumped to my feet. I had been enjoying his company so much I had completely and utterly forgotten to prep! I ran to the freezer to peer inside. Luckily I had the ingredients in stock: rice, minced meat, peas, eggs, breadcrumbs and tomato sauce. All I lacked was the willpower.
Jack rolled up his sleeves and washed his hands under the kitchen tap. ‘Come on, Nina. I’ll help you.’
‘But you don’t know how to shape them.’
‘You’re welcome.’
I laughed. ‘You want to help me by squishing raw meat and egg yolk between your fingers?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Okay, then. You start out with a sheet of rice on the palm of your hand, curving it gently inwards so as to make the bottom side of a pear.’
‘I thought they were called arancini because they looked like oranges?’ he asked as he gently patted the rice in his huge hands according to my instructions.
‘Those are the ones with the mozzarella and cheese filling. These ones are peas, eggs and ragù sauce.’
‘Is this the right shape?’ Jack asked after we had worked in silence for a few minutes. ‘It looks a bit wonky…’
‘Your hand pressure is slightly too strong.’ I covered his hands – or tried to; they were like shovels – with mine in order to close the arancino. ‘You have to make sure that you don’t squeeze too much when you shape your rice ball. Apply more pressure at the end, but don’t squeeze the tip too much. You want it to look like a rounded pyramid, see? Plus, you don’t want to flatten the poor thing.’
He grinned. ‘No, we wouldn’t want that. How am I doing now?’
&nb
sp; ‘Perfect,’ I said.
He looked up and smiled again. ‘Christ, I thought it would be easier.’
‘Jack?’
‘Hm?’
‘Thank you. So so much.’
‘For what?’
‘For being you. You are our knight in shining armour.’
He smiled. A smile that went deeper than teeth and dimples. ‘My pleasure.’
The next day I got a call from the United States – precisely from Dr Ellenberg’s surgery in Los Angeles. I had an appointment for next month. Did I wish to confirm?
To say I had forgotten about it would be untrue. But that had been a long long time ago when I had a perspective on having the means to afford it.
‘Or do you want to cancel?’
If the doctor in Normandy didn’t work out, did I want to completely cancel my son’s dreams of being able to run across the back fields? Never. Even if I didn’t know how the hell I was going to pay for it? The flights, the consultancy, the hotel. But I knew that, one way or another, I’d manage to sort it out. I had to.
And then I started worrying all over again. What if it didn’t work, and I’d brought my boy all the way across the ocean only to disappoint him?
In a parallel universe, it would have been so nice to have Luke meet me at the airport, drive me there in his black convertible, the wind in my hair again, a big ol’ smile on Ben’s face as we drove back from the appointment to his home where Jessica and Chloe would be waiting for us, snuggled up in front of The Disney Channel.
But that was then and this was now. I still had Normandy. Better to play with two decks of cards and keep both possibilities.
‘No, please don’t,’ I begged her. Either way, I’d sort him out. Even if I had to sell the shirt off my back.
‘Of course. Have a great day!’ she said and rang off.
‘Yeah,’ I said to the ether. ‘You have a great day, too.’
*
Later, I swung by the Post Of ice for some crumpets. Stephen Nanfan was there, talking to Alf at the counter.
‘And of course everyone knows Jack’s sweet on Emma.’
I leaned back against the crumpet shelf. Jack… and Emma? There it was, that tiny, minuscule seed of suspicion that had always been there, in the back of my mind, although I had never even wanted to think it, let alone say it. And now I had to hear it from Alf?