He kisses my forehead again, and it feels so right and so comfortable being here entwined together.
I feel Mason shift his weight, and he manoeuvers me so I’m sitting on his lap. I can’t help but wrap my legs around his waist, just clinging to my lifeline, hoping he’ll never let me go.
The salt water running down my cheeks starts to dissipate, but I don’t dare move my head from the crook of his neck, he’s so warm and so safe.
Mason starts to move his arms up and down my back; the feel’s light and gentle and so comforting.
He kisses my cheek and he leaves his lips there a moment longer than he should as he pets my hair, caressing my head.
I turn a little to see him and it’s then that the impossible happens.
With a ghost of a touch, our lips meet.
“Mmm,” I moan as I tilt my head up.
“Ryan, I….” he mumbles against my mouth.
“Please,” I plead with him.
“Shhhh, I’ve got you.” And he tilts his own head down and tenderly presses a kiss to me.
I weave my hands through his long hair, as my fingers slowly massage the nape of his neck.
I’ve never voluntarily kissed a man before.
With the lightest of touches, he sucks my bottom lip into his mouth and nips at it with his teeth.
Fuck me.
I open up and grant him access into my mouth, and into my soul.
He moves his tongue inside my mouth, and slowly strokes my lips. I pull him closer to me, as I straighten my sitting position.
Now I’m sitting taller than him, and he’s forced to tilt his head up, open his mouth allowing me permission to kiss him.
His stubble scratches my face, and even though the sensation’s unknown, it’s certainly not unwelcomed.
The heat’s intensified as Mason’s hands find the front of my t-shirt and he pulls me closer to him.
We don’t fight for dominance as our mouths dance together.
We’re perfectly synchronized and in tune.
He nips.
I lick.
He sucks.
I growl.
He runs his tongue over my teeth and I almost cum in my pajamas.
I lick his top lip as he tenderly cradles my face in his strong hands.
Our kiss isn’t rushed; the exploration is slow, gracious and damn well sexy.
Mason pulls away and leans his forehead on mine as his thumbs are gently brushing my face.
“God, Ryan. I’ve wanted to do that for such a long time,” he says with his eyes closed.
“I’ve wanted it, too,” I confess to him.
“As much as I’d like to do more with you, I’m not allowed,” Mason admits.
“Not allowed?”
“Master would flog me if I did, she won’t be happy when I tell her what happened here.”
“Master?”
“Stella.”
Oh, Master.
“Why does she……” But Mason silences me from any more talking when he starts kissing me again.
He breaks contact from our perfectly swollen lips and trails his mouth down the center of my neck. Mason stops at my Adams apple and sucks on it, slowly swirling his tongue around it, causing my skin to break out in the smallest of goose bumps from sheer contentment.
His hands snake their way under my t-shirt and with silken fingers he sensually begins to stroke my nipples.
Mason’s mouth hungrily continues to worship my skin around my neck.
“Take your t-shirt off,” he mumbles against the apex of my neck.
Without delay, I bring it up over my head as Mason takes me in, with a fevered gaze.
“Can I kiss your chest, Ryan?”
“I’d like you do more than just kiss me.”
Fuck what am I saying?
I should be stopping this.
I’m not gay.
“Not tonight, but let me taste you,” Mason says as he laves his raspy tongue over my right nipple.
I arch my back and grip his hair, enslaving him to continue adoring my chest.
Immediately, I know this is exactly what I want. Maybe even, exactly what I need.
I think I might be gay.
I’ve never craved another man the way I want Mason.
Mason kisses his way over to my right nipple as his hands are around my back holding me tight to his mouth.
His tongue is scorching as he peeps it out to caress me.
The feeling’s that are coursing through me are enthralling and they’re quickly spiraling toward a release.
Mason bucks his hips up once and I cry out a wanton and husky sound as I feel his arousal press into mine.
I can’t control myself anymore. I can’t hold on any longer.
I push Mason to the soft plush carpet in my bedroom. I pin him with my hips, my hand starts palming his engorged cock through his boxers. I want to reach in and touch him, I want to taste him.
My lips leave his and I trail a fine line down his jaw toward his shoulder. Mason puts his arms above his head and closes his eyes.
“Kiss me, Ryan,” he sighs with submission.
Lifting his shirt my mouth finds his pierced nipples. Pleasuring them with my tongue as I flick the nipple ring then suck on his pert nipple, making Mason moan an arousing sound.
Slipping my tongue down the center of his stomach, I lap at the narrow trail that leads to the one part I’m so desperate to have.
I push his boxers down and Mason’s cock springs free.
And what an alluring and appetizing cock it is. He’s thick and long. He’s fleshy and I can see a perfect vein running the length of it. God, I want to lick that vein and take him in my mouth.
I lower my head and kiss the tip. Just a small kiss and take the pre-cum that’s gathering at the slit into my mouth.
“Hummm.” I know how good it feels to be on the receiving end of a hummer, so I do it knowing the shivers it’ll send up Mason’s spine.
Right on cue, he moans and slightly lifts his hips having me take more of him in my mouth.
I lick down his hard shaft and nip on his balls. Flattening my tongue I curl it up under his ball sac just lightly touching the skin. My nose is buried into him and I can smell his delicious aroma.
“You like it, boy.” His voice catapults forward in my mind and I break all contact with Mason’s thick and desperate cock.
Sitting back on my heels, I scrub my hand over my eyes.
“What’s wrong, Ry? Are you okay?” Mason asks as he sits up in front of me.
“Come here and let me fuck your mouth,” his voice says again.
I look at Mason, and he doesn’t look pissed at me. He looks concerned.
“I didn’t mean for you to do anything you didn’t want to. I thought this is what you wanted,” Mason says as he pulls his boxers up to cover himself and his t-shirt down.
“It’s just….” I start but I don’t know what else to say. I hang my head down because I’m an embarrassment to myself.
How do I tell Mason about what happened to me without having him look at me with sadness and pity in his eyes?
“Who hurt you? Who was it that ruined you?” he murmurs as he places a finger under my chin and tilts my head up to look in my eyes. “You’re dead inside, Ryan. You’ve been lifeless for a long time, you died many years ago.”
I look at him and can feel the tears threatening to break through.
My anger’s now completely dissolved; I’m just left with sorrow and hurt.
“It…. I….” I don’t know how to tell him.
“You don’t have to tell me now, Ryan, but soon I want to know who killed your spirit and took you away from me,” Mason says as he kisses my forehead.
“Soon,” I whisper as I embrace Mason while he comforts me.
We stay entangled for an immeasurable amount of time. Neither of us tears away from the other, we simply, stay.
“Ryan,” Mason says after a while.
“Yeah.”
> “I’m gonna go back to my room, are you okay now?”
“Yeah.” Don’t leave me, just hold me, please.
“Tomorrow’s Friday and I’m going to stay at Stella’s, alright?”
“Yeah.” I want to ask why, but I already know.
He’s likely ashamed of what almost happened.
“It’s not like that,” he answers like he can read my thoughts.
“Like what?”
“I want this, Ryan. But I need to get my thoughts right before anything happens. And, I need Stella to help me.”
“Alright.” I don’t even know what he’s saying.
“I’ll be back Saturday morning to take you and Lucy out.”
“Okay.” I don’t want him to go to Stella’s, I want him to stay, with me.
“I’m going back to my room now,” he says as he untwists our combined bodies. He steps away from me, and moves toward the door. But before he does, he takes the two returning steps, and with the slightest of touches he meets my lips.
He turns and walks out the door and disappears into his room.
I look at the mess and damage of my room, and decide to deal with it in the morning. I collapse in bed and close my eyes.
In my room tonight, I broke through some of my own demons.
I let myself feel, for the first time in years.
Desire overtook me, and I didn’t fight it.
Maybe I am gay.
Chapter 8
Friday morning’s here and I’ve barely slept a moment.
When I lay down to sleep, it was the last thing on my mind. Instead I was filled with images of Mason’s flawless face and body as it lay beneath me, waiting to be pleasured.
I finally gave up on any chance of slumber and decided to clean my room from the total and utter disarray I caused.
Remnants of how my life is.
Pushing Mason and Stella out of mind, I had to ensure that my home was ready for Lucy.
I was picking her up after work and the two of us were being taken out tomorrow by Mason.
When I left my room at 6am to head into the kitchen, there was a single piece of paper sitting on the kitchen bench. I picked it up, and knew that Mason had fled.
He’d wanted to get away from me.
His words last night must’ve been only for comfort, so I didn’t feel embarrassed about what had happened.
I pick the lonely paper up and start to read it out loud.
Ryan,
Before I lose my nerve, I want to tell you what last night meant to me.
It has to be one of the most freeing yet totally baffling experiences of my life.
I’ve not been with a man before, because I’ve only ever found one to be attractive, you. I’ve talked to Stella about you and even though she encouraged me to take the first step, she also warned me not to let it get past a kiss.
Truthfully, I think that, had you not stopped last night, there’d be no way I could’ve halted the sexy things you were doing to me with your mouth.
I’ve had a hunger for you since the day you slept at my house on my 15th birthday. I don’t know if you remember that night, but when I blew the candles out on the cake, you touched my arm to wish me a happy birthday and it was almost like a revelation for me.
There was something about the way you left your hand on my forearm for a touch too long, that sparked a tiny yearning inside me.
It’s never been the same for me, Ryan. Since that day, all I’ve wanted to do was touch you.
But I kept my distance, and never came forward to tell you, because I was afraid that you may think that I was gay.
Ryan, I’m not gay, but being with you is something I want to explore. And I think after last night, I’m not alone in wanting to see where our possibilities will go.
But for now, I have to take a step back and talk to Stella.
Stella helped me in the past. She was the one that had me admitted into rehab.
I’d started seeing her just before my drug overdose.
She’s against any synthetic drug being used for recreational purposes. She knew I was addicted to crack and to weed when we met. She refused to be my Domme until I went into rehab.
One night, I was totally strung out and I went to her place of work. I caused such a huge fuss that disrupted her and her patients, that she locked me in an exam room until she was done for the day. She then came in and injected me with something that caused me to black out.
When I came to, I was in a rehab facility and she was sitting on the bed beside me.
My body had already started craving more crack and weed and when I went to lunge for her, I found I was strapped to the bed.
She sat next me, calmly wiping my forehead as I screamed at her.
But what will stay with me forever was what she said.
“You thirst for pleasure and pain, not a life of agony and hurt. I’m a master in control and desire. If you want to give yourself to me, I’ll be waiting with a flogger and a gag the day you’re released. If you choose submission, then answer with the one word that will change your life.”
I didn’t have to think for long to know what that word was. I was already under her spell, even before she had said anything to me.
“Master,” I replied to her.
That was the day that I was freed, Ryan.
I’ve been pleasing my Domme ever since. And not because she wants it, but because I’m desperate to have her tell me that what I’m doing is right.
So, tonight I’ll be getting punished for what happened with us. But I have to say, that I’ll take every strike of a buggy whip and every lash of a quirt with pride. Because Ryan, I’d do it all again in a heartbeat.
Until tomorrow,
Mason.
Ps: You will, but try to not over think it.
I stare at the letter and reread it not once, not even twice. I think by the third time it doesn’t even make sense to me anymore.
What the fuck is a buggy whip and a quirt?
I look at the time with the paper still in my hand and notice it’s almost 8.30am. I need to get a move on because I’ll be leaving early to get Lucy from Joanna’s house.
My drive to work’s overtaken with the contents of the letter that’s folded in quarters and is sitting in my shirt pocket.
Mason wants me.
I want Mason.
So what’s stopping me?
Stella.
Damn, her eyes.
When I get to the barracks and up to my office, I’m hit with Amanda standing at the photocopier doing whatever she’s doing.
Her back straightens as I approach her and she turns her head to look at me over her shoulder.
“Sergeant Major,” she says.
I ignore her and walk straight into my office, closing the door behind me.
As I sit in the chair behind my desk, the only thing that I can think of is Mason and Stella.
I’m nothing but confused.
I finally relinquished last night and allowed myself to believe that I’m gay, but when I think of Stella, my body reacts toward her, too.
What a clusterfuck my life’s become.
I’m nearing thirty-four and I can’t seem to make my head from my damn ass.
What the fuck’s going on?
Last night I was ready to be taken, and take Mason and today my thoughts are stuck between Mason and Stella.
I just don’t understand.
Why is this so hard?
I bring my elbows up to the table and lean my head into my hands.
My entire life’s been one huge debacle.
I’m interrupted by my cell phone ring, which brings me out of the dark and complicated scene that’s mulling around in my head.
I look at the caller display, and see that it’s Joanna.
“Hey,” I answer.
“Hi, Ryan, are you still picking Lucy up this afternoon?”
“Of course, is everything alright?”
“Yeah, I’m going out with the g
irls from work tonight and just wanted to check what time you’ll be around,” Joanna says in an up tempo beat.
“I’ll finish from here at 4pm, so I’ll be at yours around 4.30. Does that give you enough time to get ready?”
“That’s fine. I’ll see you later.”
“Bye.”
Joanna and I have maintained a very civil relationship.
We share custody of our daughter, and even though Lucy lives mostly with her mom, she still comes home every other weekend and for half of school vacation. Because Joanna and I don’t disagree or argue, we manage to work together really well. If Joanna has a special event on that she’d like Lucy there for, then I accommodate her. And she’s more than willing to do the same for me.
Joanna and I couldn’t maintain a happy marriage, we were married when she fell pregnant. We were able to play happy families for two years, but lack of communication and me being deployed, saw our marriage completely fall apart.
We don’t blame each other though, really we were both too young.
I think Joanna expected ‘An Officer and a Gentleman’ from me and of course I couldn’t give it to her. Looking back, I now know that it’s because I was so confused about who I was. Much like I still am now.
I don’t know what I expected from Joanna, maybe I needed her to fix me.
I just don’t know.
But, we’ve remained friends and have never used Lucy as a pawn. If Lucy needs something, Joanna knows all she needs to do is call me. I’d give my life for Lucy, so everything that I have, is hers.
The only thing she can’t have is the ruined part of me that can never be glued back together. That part is reserved only for me and for no one else.
The day moves on, and I barely talk to Amanda as I move in and out of the office. She makes no attempt to talk to me, but she does pass on a message from the Battalion Commander.
Ending my work day at 4pm, I pack to leave to get my daughter.
As I drive toward Joanna’s house, I notice that after my phone call this morning with her, I didn’t once unfold the letter that Mason had left me.
“Humph,” I say to no one in particular, as I sit in the car.
“Maybe I’ll be okay.”
For the first time in a long time, I can take a breath and not hate myself.
When I inhale, it doesn’t hurt as much as it ordinarily does.
Yes, Master Page 5