As they ate their tea in front of the television, Blake told her about his day at work, and his problems with a certain large customer who’d gone overdrawn. Donna didn’t mind him talking shop, but felt guilty as she was giving more thought to how she might approach the subject of going on holiday.
‘I was wondering... ’ she began later, massaging the back of her neck. ‘What you thought about going away for a few days. I don’t mean anywhere exotic, just a trip to the coast or the country. We need some time together, Blake.’
He pulled a face, which quite surprised her. ‘Much as I’d love to Donna, I’ve explained how it is at the moment. It’s impossible to get any leave, especially as I’ve only recently had a week off.’
Donna’s mouth dropped open with shock. She’d been convinced he’d jump at the chance this time, and could get the days off, if he’d wanted.
‘Come on Blake, meet me halfway. This is important for both of us. What comes first, your girlfriend or your work?’
He squirmed uncomfortably in his seat. ‘Surely it could wait a while. I might stand a better chance at the end of the holiday season... all right?’
She clenched her teeth angrily and looked away.
‘Damn it Donna, don’t get stroppy with me. Look, I need to watch what I’m doing, or it could damage my prospects for the future. There’s no need for me to tell you how important that is, with us planning to wed within a couple of years. Especially if you can’t go back to work yet.’
‘Oh thanks a lot. Trust you to think about money, at a time like this.’ In her anger she picked up a cushion and threw it at his face.
He caught it with some difficulty. ‘Well, somebody’s got to think about it, seeing as you’ll be off work for the foreseeable future.’
‘I can’t help being traumatised. And besides I am still on full pay.’
‘Yes, but that’ll run out eventually and then what? Sick pay? That won’t go far towards paying the bills, will it? You need to do something. You’re on a very high salary. Somehow, get yourself together and back to work, or you can kiss goodbye to that nice expensive house we were looking at a few weeks ago.’
Her eyes seemed to bulge out of their sockets. ‘Piss off, will you, Blake.’
She got off her seat and stormed off to the bathroom. Flopping down onto the toilet with her hand over her eyes, she convulsed into a fit of tears.
She didn’t want to talk to him again and decided he probably didn’t want to talk to her either by the looks of it. They remained apart for the rest of the night.
The next morning, although she woke early she stayed in the spare room once more. He didn’t shout goodbye as he normally would before he left; but in truth she wouldn’t have answered him anyway.
All this made Donna even more depressed. There didn’t seem any point in getting up. It wasn’t until mid-morning that she got out of bed. And then she just hung around the flat lethargically.
The time seemed to pass so slowly. With nothing to do and nowhere to go, it was driving her crazy. She couldn’t face visiting her parents after yesterday, with them constantly fussing over her, and her mum forever hinting for her to return to modelling.
When Blake came home from work the flat was in a shambles, the sink was full of unwashed crockery and items of clothing were strewn over the floor and furniture. The look on Donna’s face suggested she didn’t care.
He sat down with a deep sigh, taking in the scene before him.
‘So how are you feeling now?’ he asked.
‘How do you think I feel?’
‘Look, I’m sorry about last night. I was out of order. I should have considered your feelings. So I spoke to HR and asked if I could have a week or even two or three days off. Luckily, Alex Cross cancelled his week’s holiday, and they agreed I could take that week, in a fortnight’s time, if you can wait until then.’ He breathed in deeply, obviously in the hope that this met with her approval.
A slight smile came across Donna’s face. Her heart flipped. All he’d done and said before, was almost forgotten.
‘So where do you want to go?’
‘I’m don’t mind. I’d dismissed the whole idea after you said you couldn’t get the time off.’
‘Well, think about it again now,’ he urged her.
She scratched the back of her head, her eyes looked upwards for inspiration. ‘I don’t know. I can’t. Why don’t you surprise me?’
‘I might do that.’ He grinned like a Cheshire cat. ‘But you need to look after yourself because no matter how long the holiday is, we still have to get on with our lives afterwards – don’t we?’
‘I know but it’s very difficult to carry on as nothing’s happened.’
‘Well, maybe this holiday will be the beginning of your recovery.’
Her mood lifted and even when she told him she hadn’t cooked any dinner he didn’t seem to mind. He even suggested they went out instead.
Donna’s mood had improved by the next morning. A visit to the doctor’s was imminent that day. He wanted to see how she was progressing, renew her sick note if need be.
Sitting down opposite him, on the edge of her seat, she looked down rather than at him. He had a quiet soothing voice, which did calm her a little. He asked her how she felt.
‘I’m still very anxious most of the time. And I get these horrible feelings in my stomach – butterflies, and I can’t seem to get rid of them. I don’t sleep well and nearly always wake early, but I don’t know, maybe a shade better than I was.’
‘Mm, you do sound a little more positive than before. Obviously, it will be a slow process, but you’ll find as time passes you will gradually improve. Are the tablets I’ve given you helping?’
‘A bit.’
‘I see. In the coming weeks they will start to kick in more. But don’t be afraid to tell me they’re not working as well as they should - all right? There are lots of other anti-depressants on the market; we can easily change them for another type if these don’t suit you.’
‘My boyfriend and I are going on holiday very soon, and then all being well, I’d like to talk to you about going back to work.’ She exhaled deeply.
‘Oh really – that’s good. But are you sure you’re well enough? Remember, what happened to you is very serious and traumatic. And it will be some weeks yet before you feel the full benefit of your medication. I strongly advise you to think very carefully about this. I’m sure your employers will be considerate even if you do need a few more weeks off. Come and see me when you return from your holiday and if you still feel ready, we’ll discuss it further then.’
She wanted to try to go back to work for Blake’s sake, especially after he’d managed to get time off for the holiday. All she hoped was that everything didn’t go terribly wrong while they were away.
All through the next week, although she still couldn’t sleep with him, her frame of mind continued to improve. He seemed to accept what she told him and said he was still pondering over where to take her on holiday. She began to look forward to something again.
As the day got nearer, she felt sick and was a little off her food again, but put this down to worrying over the holiday. However one thing kept nagging at her and the longer these symptoms continued the more anxious she became. Then two days before the holiday, she realised something had to be done.
When the doctor confirmed she was pregnant she couldn’t believe it. It was by far the worst possible scenario. And how should she deal with this? Discreetly on her own, so no one would be any the wiser; or did she tell Blake and hope for the best? In truth she knew her conscience would make her confide in him. How would he react? Well, she would soon find out.
She decided to mention it as soon as he got in from work that day before she lost her nerve.
When he came into the living room she felt embarrassed, her stomach fluttered as she tried to pluck up the courage to break the news.
She could barely look at him when she spoke. ‘Blake, we need to talk?’
His expression was one of surprise. A half-smile formed on his face as she finally looked sombrely at him.
He sat down beside her gazing straight into her eyes. ‘What’s on your mind, love?’
‘Blake, there’s no easy way to tell you this... sorry... but I’m pregnant.’ Her face was suddenly contorted up in pain.
‘You what? How can you be? We haven’t done anything since… it’s impossible unless you’ve been ... ’ His hand clenched his thigh tightly as obviously he thought about the implications.
The colour drained from his face as his eyes widened with anger. He’d jumped to the wrong conclusion. How could he think she’d slept with someone else after all he’d been living with her through this nightmare? Surely, he’d see that if she couldn’t sleep with him, she couldn’t sleep with anybody. And the other possibility didn’t bear thinking about.
‘I haven’t been with another man if that’s what you think. How could I after being raped?’ She was hurt he’d even considered such a thing.
‘So how else could you be… ?’ he began, and then he stopped in mid-sentence, as if it suddenly dawned on him. ‘They gave you a morning after pill at the hospital, didn’t they?’
‘They did.’ She wiped the sweat from her brow with the back of her hand. ‘Either I was already pregnant, or the pill didn’t work.’
Shaking his head, he said, ‘I don’t believe this.’
‘How the hell do you think I feel?’
‘So what are you going to do about it?’
‘I... I don’t know...’
‘You’re not going to have it – are you? The rapist’s kid.’ He turned his face away in disgust.
‘It’s not the baby’s fault. It didn’t ask to be conceived. Did it? Anyway, who’s to say it isn’t yours. It’s not as though we didn’t have sex before the attack.’
‘Yes, but we’ll never know that until the kid’s born. No, I’m not having that. Get rid of it – and the sooner the better.’ He talked as if there was a monster in Donna’s belly.
Everything she’d feared seemed to be happening in the matter of a few seconds. There was so much anger on his face and it appeared he’d never accept the baby, but he hadn’t given himself time to come to terms with this. It was hopeless. She broke down and buried her face in her hands. Tears seeped through her fingers. She sensed this would mark the end of their relationship.
He remained where he was; made no attempt to touch her. Then pushed a tissue towards her. She took it, blew her nose, and peered at him through bleary tearful eyes; noticing the guilty expression on his face – perhaps he realised his immediate rejection of her baby was wrong.
‘Come on now Donna. This isn’t the end of the world, you know. Far from it. It’s a little setback – that’s all. Once you’ve come to your senses, you’ll see it’s the only thing to do. You’ll get over it, and then slowly everything will get back to normal.’
‘You really think so. This is my baby’s life we’re talking about here,’ she said, lightly stroking her stomach.
As he frowned; she realised it would be difficult to change his mind if his initial reaction was anything to go by.
‘I can’t kill my own child.’ She put her arms defensively round her middle.
‘It’s not even a baby yet, it’s just a tiny foetus. If you don’t, it’ll be the biggest mistake of your life,’ he said going red in the face.
It looked as if he wouldn’t budge on this. He’d go on and on until she did what he wanted. Maybe this time she wouldn’t shift either. And why the hell should she? Because what had it to do with him? It was her body, so it was up to her. She could do as she wished.
‘I’ll do what’s best for me and my baby, Blake. You can take your bruised ego and shove it as far as I’m concerned.’ She pushed him away in anger.
‘Hey, my opinion ought to count for something. We’re supposed to be getting married, remember.’
‘So you keep telling me.’ She got up from the settee.
‘For God’s sake Donna, stop going on, will you? At least think about it for a few days.’
‘That’s precisely what you haven’t done. As for me, I can’t stop thinking about it – first someone rapes me, and now I may be pregnant with his child; or the baby could be yours. But it’s also my baby, so ultimately it’s my call, despite what you or anyone else says.’ She began to walk away from him.
‘Donna! That’s exactly why you should have an abortion. There’s plenty of time for kids, later on when we’re ready,’ he insisted moving to follow her to the spare room, her normal refuge lately.
Turning to face him she pushed him to one side once again ‘I never want to speak to you again. Leave me alone.’
After she’d slammed the door in his face, she put all her weight against it, expecting him to try to force his way in. But it wasn’t necessary. Perhaps he’d given up or just didn’t care.
Chapter 7
OVER THE NEXT WEEK, THEY HAD LITTLE TO SAY TO EACH OTHER. She assumed he’d cancelled the holiday because it was never mentioned again. When he was around she stayed in her room, and when he wasn’t she lounged about the flat, not doing very much. Her predicament constantly played on her mind. What could she do about it? If Blake didn’t want her, all she had left was to confide in her parents. But if she did that, they’d say the same as Blake, and insist she terminate the pregnancy. What she needed was an unbiased opinion and only her doctor came to mind.
So a couple of days later, she sat nervously in front of him, rubbing her nose every so often, as he looked at his notes. There was a slight tremor in her voice as she told him what had happened.
He seemed strangely unmoved, as if this happened frequently, which surely it didn’t; and sitting back in his chair, sighing quietly before speaking he said, ‘Well, this is rather an unfortunate set of circumstances. I can understand why you’re in a dilemma. But I can’t make your mind up for you; you have to come to a decision yourself, or with your family’s help. Of course, if you have the child and your boyfriend’s not the father, it may cause problems between you and him. Then again he might take to the child. I’m sure you must have considered the options – abortion, adoption etc, but as I’ve said you should do what’s best for you and your child.’
‘I can’t decide what to do. I did want to have the child,’ she said touching her stomach gently. ‘But I may have to look after it on my own.’
‘Family and friends will rally around, I’m sure. Most do in a crisis. If you do need help, whatever you decide, we can provide it,’ the doctor assured her in a very impartial way, which irritated Donna, as she wanted someone to tell her what to do. But he couldn’t do that. This left her feeling let down and still in a quandary.
As she walked back to the flat, and for days afterwards, she went from one decision to another, constantly changing her mind. Finally, she knew what she had to do and as he’d promised, the doctor made the arrangements.
On the morning of the termination it all seemed to be done in a matter of fact way. The doctor asked if she was sure about having an abortion and she nodded tearfully. When she returned home, she rested, but she forgot the time. As soon as Blake came back from work, she jumped when he slammed the door, but hadn’t the energy to avoid him, and besides maybe they wouldn’t fight now.
He looked mildly surprised to see her there, and at once she felt flutters in her stomach. Before sitting down, without a word, he put his suit jacket on the arm of the settee and his briefcase on the floor beside him. Then he spoke.
‘Drink?’
‘Thanks,’ she replied, her heart pounding with expectation.
He came back into the living room five minutes later with two mugs of tea, which he left on the coffee table in front of them.
Donna picked up her mug, took a sip, and then put it down again.
‘Very nice.’ She glanced at his handsome face that looked as boyish and as appealing as ever. ‘You always did know how to make a great brew.’
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‘Practice makes perfect.’ He sat back on the settee, yawning from another seemingly tiring day. ‘So how’s it going?’
‘All right. Getting by, I suppose. Yourself?’ Her bottom lip quivered.
‘The same…’he began, but stopped in mid-sentence when Donna took his hand. He looked amazed as this had hardly happened at all since the attack.
‘Blake, I’ve got something to tell you.’ She squeezed his hand.
‘Funny you should say that, because I’ve got something to tell you as well.’ He didn’t return her gesture of affection.
‘I promise you, you’ll find my news is much more important than yours.’
‘Ok, fire away then.’
‘I… I had an abortion this morning like you wanted.’ She smiled uneasily, hoping everything would be all right now - and long as he didn’t ask to sleep with her, she’d be fine.
His large blue eyes widened with surprise. ‘Well, I’m sure you did the right thing.’
‘I’m devastated about it, that’s for sure, but I couldn’t bring that baby into the world, knowing it wouldn’t get the love it deserved.’ A tear of regret trickled down her cheek.
‘That’s true. I admire you for having the courage to do it.’
‘So are you happy now? It was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. It’s bloody awful, I can tell you – something I never want to go through again.’
He gave an ironic snort, which puzzled Donna, then said, ‘Knowing how you are these days, I’d say that’s nigh on impossible anyway.’
‘And what’s that supposed to mean?’ She turned towards him.
‘Nothing.’
‘You’re trying to say I’m frigid, aren’t you? Why, you ignorant bastard,’ she snarled, her face now beaded with perspiration.
Blake looked embarrassed; he blushed, shifting his neck in the collar of his shirt uncomfortably. ‘Well, yes I suppose I am, at the moment, although I’m sure it’s not permanent.’
‘You patronising pig,’ she screamed, hitting him across the cheek with a slap so loud next door might have heard it. ‘Don’t you dare talk to me like that again or I will definitely never let you touch me again.’
Against Her Will Page 6