“He was mine first bitch, you will learn who Connor Blackwood belongs to.” With that I get another searing pain to my leg before the darkness claims me.
Oh my god my leg. How damaged is it? Will I ever be able dance again? I have so many questions but there’s one I have to ask before anything else. So instead of answering Karinas question, I ask. “Connor?” That one word and she knows what I'm asking so she replies.
“He’s in the waiting room, where he’s been since the day it happened Allie, he hasn’t left… not once.”
The waiting room? Why has he been in there and not in here with me?
When I see Karina look at my Dad with evil eyes, it hits me like a freight train. He’s the reason Connor isn’t in here with me.
“Get out now.” I tell him calmly but inside I'm raging with anger, I just don’t have the energy or heart to fall out with him right now or at anytime for that matter. He made his choice not to be a supportive parent four years ago, there is no way he is coming in here now and throwing his weight around.
“Look Allie girl, can we please just talk about this?... he isn’t good enough for you princess, you're worth a million of him, it’s because of him you're in this state.” He says gesturing to me lying in the hospital bed. I don’t know how he has the bloody nerve to comment on what and who is good enough for me. I'm twenty fucking two years old. He can kiss my arse if he thinks I'm listening to a single word he says. It's my life. My choices. I will do as I please with whoever I want. If the shit hits the fan then it's my own god damn fault, so with that being said I repeat my words.
“Get out.” And just like I thought he would, the real Paul Whitbury decides to show his true colours. Pointing his finger at me he spits out. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you Allie, this is your one and only chance to come home and forget this silly life you think you have. He will only cause you more damage and more pain in the end, me and your mother won’t be there a second time to pick up the mess.”
“I don’t have a home with you, you cut me off four years ago, when I didn’t bend to your plans for my life. And as for picking up my mess... I don’t want you here now so what makes you think I will ever want you to be here for anything else? I've survived this long without you both, I'm pretty sure I can still survive without you in my life, now leave.” I say, finding strength in my voice I didn’t know I had at the moment. Knowing he can’t change my mind or bully me into going home, he shakes his head in defeat and disappointment and promptly leaves my room without looking back.
Blowing out a breath now that’s all over. I turn to Karina and with no words spoken she knows what or should I say who I want to see. Just as she’s about to go through the door she turns to me.
“I'm telling the nurse you're awake, because your blood pressure must be through the friggin roof after that.” Smiling at my best friend who always has a way of putting a smile on my face, even in the shittiest of circumstances. I thank my lucky stars that I'm still alive.
The nurse comes in ten minutes later with a middle aged doctor. Who tells me in broken english that I was stabbed on my left side… no shit sherlock...the injury caused my lung to collapse and for me to lose a lot of blood, the wound to my leg didn’t damage any major arteries but I do have some mega muscle damage and I'm going to require some serious physiotherapy when I get back to England, which can’t happen quick enough. I want out of here already and I've only been conscious a couple of hours.
Once the doctor has explained everything to me, and the nurse has done my blood pressure and given me some painkillers. They both leave the room just as there’s a knock on the door.
“Come in.” I squeak out. My breath is knocked straight out of me, because standing in the doorway is Connor.
He looks like he hasn’t slept in weeks, his clothes are a crumpled mess and his hair that I love to run my fingers through is sticking up in every direction possible. I can’t quite believe he’s still here after my Dad stopped him from seeing me. I lift my hand that isn’t attached to my fluids drip and hold it out for him to take, hoping that my gesture shows that I want him here.
Moving further into the room but not enough to take my offered hand he whispers.
“You're awake.” It's a statement not a question. As if he can’t quite believe what he’s seeing with his own two eyes, eyes that when I look into them seem to have lost their spark.
“I'm awake.” I say hoping if he hears my voice he will believe what he’s seeing. He’s standing stock still, his eyes still not leaving my face.
“Come here?” I ask patting the stiff mattress beneath me.
Slowly he walks forward towards the bed still not taking my hand and I start to feel deflated, letting my hand fall flat back on the bed.
Just as I go to say something to try and pull him from the funk he’s in he jumps in.
“I'm so sorry Allie... this.” He gestures to me lying in the hospital bed. “This is all my fault, I don’t know who did this to you but I know it’s because of me.” I don’t respond to his little outburst because I'm stuck on the fact that he called me Allie, he never calls me that unless we’re arguing or he’s pissed off. Knowing I can’t stay mute forever I decide to go with straight forwardness.
“Connor, what happened wasn’t your fault, some nut job just has it in for me because I fell in love with you. So if anyone is to blame then it’s me. I should’ve been more careful, this is all on me and my raging hormones.” I say the last bit with a small smile on my face. Hoping and praying he’ll relax a little bit, but my small attempt fails miserably. He takes small slow steps to the foot of my bed and grips the bottom as if he’s in physical pain. And if what my gut is telling me right now, I know I'm going to hate what comes out of his mouth next.
Sighing he keeps his head bowed and with pain lacing his words he says.
“Look Allie, the last seventeen days have all but killed me, and I told myself I wouldn’t leave you under any circumstances.”
“Then don’t.” I scream, ignoring my plea he continues on.
“If we stay together then you're at more risk of being hurt again, and I will not put your life at risk again, you deserve better than to be looking over your shoulder every five fucking minutes.”
“Don’t do this Connor, we’re better off together than apart, we can protect each other.” I beg, scrambling for words to make him stay and change his mind.
He can’t do this to me.
To us.
He looks up at me and I can tell from the steel expression on his face that he’s made up his mind, and nothing I say or do will get him to change it. Tears run from my eyes as I watch him take heavy steps to the door he walked through only moments ago. Before he ripped my heart to shreds.
Turning slowly he looks me straight in the eye as he says the two words he said he'd never say.
“Goodbye Angel.”
Leaving me in hell.
All alone with nothing but my thoughts.
FOR SALE:
One Heart.
Horrible Condition.
Will take anything for it.
PLEASE.
Just cut it out of my chest,
And end this suffering.
Anonymous
I know he’s left Austria, I know everything about him. Where he goes, who he sees, I even know who he fucks.
That's only because I have to. I didn't have a choice. Not if I want to play this right. If I've gotten him out of one sticky situation, I've gotten him out of a thousand. Even where his string of women are concerned and every time I've sat back and wished it was me who was the one in his bed.
I’d have been the one he changed his ways for, if only he’d look at me the way he looks at the ever revolving door of women he’s kept over the years. If he had opened his eyes none of this would’ve happened and we’d both be happy now.
I’d make sure of it.
He left her in the hospital three days ago, he’s yet to make contact with me but he will do eventua
lly. I'm not one bit worried about that. He just needs time to realize that I'm what he needs. I've watched him keep his bed warm with the countless of women he’s had, it’s now my turn to keep his bed warm.
For years I've sat on the sidelines waiting for Connor Blackwood come to his senses. For him to realize that me and him would be perfect together, that I'm the one who will make him forget his playboy ways. Not her. The stream of warm bodies he’s entertained were just a hole he sank himself into, before he comes around to the idea of me and him.
And there will be a me and Connor Blackwood.
I deserve him, I've been there when he needed someone to pick up his mess, and deal with all the nitty gritty little things he’d had me do over the years.
He thinks he loves her.
He doesn’t. No one can go from not knowing how to love to being in love. Not that quick.
Especially him.
She was just a challenge to him because she’s so prim and fucking proper, he’s mistaken lust with love.
I’ll bide my time, I've already made him leave her in that hospital bed in a foreign country, so it won’t be long now.
I will get what I want, no matter what lengths I have to go to.
I will get Connor Blackwood as mine and mine alone.
I wish I could go back to the day
I met you and just walk away.
Honestly, it would’ve saved me
So much hurt and pain.
Connor
The Verve - The Drugs Don’t Work is pounding from my surround sound on repeat. I chose this particular song to remind me that no matter how much pain I'm in right now, the hurt and guilt flowing through my body, the drugs I'm so tempted to have delivered ain’t going to make it go away. So instead I've gotten blind raving drunk.
Mr Jack is currently my best friend, my tolerance to alcohol is none existent these days. One or two beers is usually my limit, but I know that one or two beers isn’t going to make me numb, and forget the fact that after everything I've done, what I never thought I would do… I left her… I said Goodbye and then I left her in that hospital bed in a foreign country.
I did it for her, she’s better off without me. I’ll only end up hurting her more in the long run. I may have not been the one to actually stab her but it all happened because of me, I have to protect her, we may not be together now but I still love her. I wish I didn’t then this would be less painful.
My usual MO would be to phone one of the many women I have in my phone, lose myself in her warm yet naked body for a few days, but I just can’t bring myself to do it.
Their not her… their not my Angel.
I can’t get the image of her lying in that bed, attached to machines, looking fragile. When in reality I know she’s a fighter that’s why she woke up from something that could’ve killed her. But at the end of the day she’s still got go through physiotherapy and some serious healing because of me.
Stumbling my drunken arse over to the kitchen counter, I grab another bottle of Jack and take an ample mouthful abandoning the tumbler I was using altogether. The amber liquid burning as I swallow it, but still not taking me to the numb place I'm willing it to take me.
Three days I've been home. Three days since I walked away, all I want to do is forget she existed but I can’t she's in my head.
My phones been blowing up with calls from the guys and I've ignored every single one of them. Even Johnny who will definitely kick my arse when he see’s the state I'm in, but I couldn’t give two fucks right now. I'm also a hundred percent sure it’s him who’s been banging the shit out of my front door. I didn’t answer my phone, you’d think he’d get the hint I don’t want to speak or see anyone right now.
When I left they followed me like they always do, but the entire flight home not one word was spoken. I'm sure Karina will fill Johnny in with what’s happened, whilst calling me every name under the sun she can come up with for leaving her best friend.
I'm not a total wanker though, I signed all the forms and told them to bill me all her hospital fees when she leaves. Also that way I will know when she does leave, because I will get an invoice for her treatment.
Taking my shirt off I throw it across the sofa and place my shaking drunken hand on my chest, I can feel my heart beating, the fucking stupid organ. It made me feel for the first time in forever and now it’s tearing me apart piece by piece. I want to rip it out and stamp on it right now, it has no business making me feel like this. I'm Connor freaking Blackwood I'm not supposed to feel. I'm not supposed to care and I'm certainly not supposed to love it’s not in my DNA to feel those things.
Unable to sit still I'm pacing up and down my apartment, the temptation to phone Jase getting stronger by the minute. My willpower to get off my rocker slowly disappearing.
The pocket of my jeans starts singing to me. Paloma Faith - Only love can hurt like this, the ringtone I set for Allie when I left Austria, to remind me that I'm doing this because I love her and nothing will ever hurt as much as this.
She’s called me a few times since I left, but I just can’t bring myself to answer the phone to her. I'm not strong enough to be able to speak to her and I'm not going to run back to her, with my tail between my legs and beg her to forgive me for walking out when she needed me the most.
Fuck this shit I can't handle it anymore.
Pulling my phone from my pocket I dial the one number I swore I would never call again. But right now I'm not strong enough to ignore the need to do this and I couldn’t give a fuck about the consequences.
I just need to not feel.
I need to forget her.
I just need to feel numb.
"Jace...it's me...."
Dear Fucker….
You are my fucking friend,
And I hope you know that’s fucking true.
No matter what the fuck happens,
I will stand the fuck by you.
I will fucking be there for you,
Whenever the fuck you need me.
To lend you a fucking hand,
To do a fucking good deed,
So just fucking call on me.
Whenever the fuck you need anything.
Fuck… I will always be there.
Even to the bitter fucking end.
Johnny
I swear that mother fucker is going give me a stress induced heart attack one of these days.
The selfish twat.
If I've rang the fucker once, I must have rang him a thousand times, I've been over to his place and banged on the door with no answer.
I gave him his space when we first got back from Austria but now he's just taking the damn piss. It’s been three days he needs to get his shit together and sort this mess out and not wallow in self pity. He needs to pull his head out of his hairy arse and figure out how this can all be figured out.
When he walked out her room all he said to us guys was that he was leaving, and the next thing I know we’re on the next flight out of there. All four of us sitting in silence, not a word spoken, waiting for him come to us. The rest of us left in confusion on the quick and sudden exit from the hospital after he spent seventeen days waiting for her to wake up. Not one bit of it made any sense. That was until I got home and Karina called me explaining what he’d done and I swear if I didn’t love the guy like he was my brother I’d have killed him myself for it.
He thinks he’s doing this to protect her and maybe it will for a little while but I have it under good authority that Allie can look after herself as well. Infact I'm still in shock when she went all Rocky Balboa on that bitch Vanessa...not that she didn't deserve it.
My own head’s not in the right place either do be dealing with Connors shit, I have a certain long brown haired spitfire of my own on my mind constantly. I know we shouldn't of slept together but we did and now I have my own secret that I have to make sure never gets out.
Not even the guys know about this.
But first things first I need to sort my best
mate out before he throws everything what’s good for him away.
“Yo fuckface.” Max says as he gets in my car. I'm picking him and Liam up so we can go over to Connors so we can sort the fucker out together because I have a feeling it’s not going to be pretty when we finally get beyond his front door.
“What’s the plan then?” Max chirps up. Glancing to my left I tell him.
“If the fucker doesn't answer this time we're bashing his bloody door down.”
“Right on… I like that plan.” He answers with a nod of his head.
After grabbing Liam from his we head on over to Mayfair to kick some Connor butt.
We enter Connors building giving nods to Bryan the OAP concierge in greeting. I've never been more grateful that the old man is used to us coming and going from here otherwise we might of never gotten up to the fuckwits penthouse apartment.
Once we've travelled up in the lift we enter the open plan foyer and head to the door. We all look at one another with glum expressions when we can hear- Palmo Faith's Only Love Can Hurt Like This, blasting through the door and the walls.
“This is bad.” Max offers up.
“No fucking shit Sherlock.” I shoot back at him as if I didn’t already know that shit.
Liam bangs on the door with his fist, demanding that Connor gets his arse up and let us in.
It becomes clear that after twenty minutes of door banging that it isn’t going to get opened willingly.
“Fuck this shit.” Max huffs out from behind me. “Move out of my way!” He tells me and Liam. Before I know it Max is lifting his leg and ramming the door with his foot, using force I never knew he had. He rams the door four times before the door finally gives and we hear the wood splinter. Lifting his leg for one more good kick I tell him to stop and that a good nudge with my shoulder will do the job just fine. Once I've slammed my shoulder into the door it finally cracks open all the way and we can enter the douchebag’s apartment.
Syren's Heaven & Hell (The Syren Series Book 2) Page 2