“It’s all right. I know you enjoy it—you’d just prefer to lie there while I do all the work. Well, that’s all right, dear. I’m enjoying myself.”
More caresses. More words.
Nothing.
Stella lowered her mouth to Susan’s other breast and began to plant little kisses on the softness of it. Her tongue bathed the firm flesh and made little circles around the nipple. Her teeth found the nipple and tugged at it like a playful kitten with a ball of yarn, but the only sensation that hit Susan was one of pain mingled with irritation.
This was wrong—this wasn’t what she had wanted at all. This was cheap, cheap and ugly and dirty inside. It wasn’t love, but she hadn’t wanted love. But it wasn’t even good healthy animalism, wasn’t even the strong and beautiful meeting of two bodies.
It was revoltingly tawdry, unexciting sex. It wasn’t what she wanted, and all at once she knew what it was that she did want.
She wanted Ralph.
Ralph.
His face came into her mind—strong and masculine and, for the first time it seemed to her, attractive. The image brought a sensation of fear with it, but now for the first time the fear was tempered with something else. Ralph wouldn’t hurt her—wouldn’t do anything to her, not unless she let him, not unless she wanted him to. With Ralph whatever did happen would happen because both of them wanted it, because both of them needed it.
But this—
This was what she had known, what her entire sexual life had been. But it was no longer enough. She needed more.
Stella was still busy with her breasts, but it was as though it wasn’t really happening, as though Stella’s hands were the wind and Stella’s mouth was the rain. They were nothing to her, nothing at all.
And, lying there on the bed, she felt like a prostitute. She felt lower than that—she felt like filth, cheap rotten filth that didn’t have the guts to do what it wanted.
And she knew that she had to get away from Stella right away. Before it was too late.
She sat up suddenly on the bed, pushing Stella away from her as she did so. The woman’s mouth went wide and the smile was gone from her face, replaced all at once by an expression of complete surprise.
“What’s the matter?”
She couldn’t talk.
“Damn you, what’s the matter?”
Susan tried to stand up but Stella’s arms held her where she was. She couldn’t move. “Let go,” she said. “Let go of me.”
“Not until you tell me what’s bugging you.”
“Let go!”
Stella released her.
“I can’t,” Susan said. “I just can’t go through with it and that’s all there is to it.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I can’t…let you make love to me.”
“Why not?”
“I just can’t.”
Stella’s face clouded. “I don’t get it,” she said, honestly puzzled. “You were the one who came in here all hot to trot. What changed your mind?”
‘‘I—’’
“Wait a minute.” Stella smiled again, sure of herself once more. “Haven’t you ever done this before?”
It would be so easy to lie. So easy—
“Yes,” she said. “I’ve done it before.”
Sometimes lying wasn’t as easy as it seemed.
“Then—”
“I just don’t want to make love with you.”
Stella took a deep breath. “Say that again.”
She repeated it.
“You mean you’re going to leave me like this—all steamed up with no place to go? Is that what you’re trying to tell me?”
“I’m sorry—but that’s it.”
There was something new in Stella’s eyes this time—something ugly and horrible. Her hands reached out and gripped Susan by the shoulders, her fingernails digging into the girl’s flesh.
“That,” she said, “is what you think.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m going to have you, sister. Even if I have to rape you in order to get you.”
She twisted on the bed but she couldn’t get away from Stella. The woman’s hands held her tight and she wasn’t strong enough to get away. Then Stella’s body was coming down on hers, pinning her to the bed, and Stella’s hands released her and encircled her back.
It was almost funny—she had been so afraid of men and here she was being raped by a woman!
Stella’s mouth came down on hers and Stella’s hips began to grind into hers. It would be easy to submit, easy to just lie there until Stella was done with her.
Easy.
But impossible.
Reaching out wildly, her hand fastened on a lamp on the dresser by the side of the bed. She yanked on it and pulled it free.
Then, swinging with all her might, she brought it down on the back of Stella’s head.
Chapter Nine
FOR A SICKENING MOMENT Susan thought she had committed murder. Stella went limp all at once and collapsed upon her in a tired heap. Her breasts pressed against Susan’s stomach and her head lay at a crazy angle on Susan’s breast. She didn’t seem to be breathing.
Susan felt for a pulse and found one. Then she noticed that the older woman was breathing, slowly and weakly but steadily. She waited for a moment to make sure that the breathing would continue; then she slipped out from under Stella’s naked body and hurried into the front room.
She dressed quickly, not caring how she looked. She let herself out of the apartment and closed the door behind her, taking the stairs two at a time until she reached her own door. Once on the way her dress bunched up and she almost fell, but she managed to keep on going until she was back in her own room. She locked the door behind her and sat down heavily in the chair, barely able to breathe.
It was almost impossible for her to calm herself down. The full reality of what had taken place was just beginning to hit her head on and she didn’t think she could take it. First she had been willing to offer herself to Stella. Then she didn’t respond. Then she refused to participate, and finally the other woman was on the point of raping her, so wrapped up in what she was doing that it became necessary to knock her on the head and race out of the room like a frightened virgin running from a sex maniac.
Well, when you came right down to it, that’s about what it had been—a frightened virgin running from a sex maniac. She herself was certainly a virgin, and there was no question about Stella’s mental normalcy.
But for Christ’s sake how had it all happened?
She stood up and walked to her door to make sure it was locked. For good measure she used the chain lock as well so that she would be able to see who was there before opening the door. But she was still tense, still tied up in knots inside. Relaxation was out of the question.
She picked up a magazine and leafed through it. It didn’t interest her in the least. She took off her dress and hung it up in the closet, then took off her underclothes and put them in her laundry bag. She was physically clean but felt dirty and took two showers in a vain attempt to wash the taste of Stella James from her skin.
After the shower she got in bed and tried to follow the lead story in the magazine. She read the same page over and over and finally gave up. It was no use.
Instead she thought about Ralph. It was obvious to her that as long as she loved him she could never enjoy sex with anybody else. As this fact sank in she began to realize just how deep her attachment to him was. With the various women she had loved she had been faithful, but she still was able to respond to other girls even if she never indulged in an overt act of infidelity. But with Ralph the thought of sexual contact with anybody else became suddenly unthinkable. She had had dramatic proof downstairs, when a desirable woman had proved totally incapable of arousing her.
This was good, she thought.
Good—because it meant that her love for Ralph was a very genuine thing. And she wanted real love, love that could last.
&nbs
p; But not entirely good. Because the thought of intercourse was still terrifying to her, still a thing that sent her into shivers. Maybe it was something she would get over, maybe she could learn to be normal, but—
Suddenly she had a tremendous desire to see the portrait Ralph was painting of her. Maybe just a peek—
She got out of bed and walked to the easel. It was covered with a cloth, and it would be very, very easy to lift the cloth and see what he had done. And it certainly wouldn’t hurt anything; he would never find out and it wouldn’t make any difference in the world.
No. No, when he wanted her to see it he would tell her. If he trusted her not to look at it, the least thing she could do would be to respect that trust. Firmly she forced herself to return to bed. She turned out the lights and snuggled beneath the sheet.
But it was hours before she finally fell asleep.
Ralph spent the next morning at the museum again. It was a good escape for him and one that he had used often in the first year or so in New York. But this morning he was just using it to kill time. It was better than a movie, and it was even cheaper. After a breakfast of eggs and coffee at a greasy spoon on Sixth Avenue he didn’t have much money left.
He spent his last cent on lunch. That, he decided too late, was a hell of a stupid thing to do. It was a healthy walk back to the Village and the subway would have been infinitely more sensible. But the lunch—a plate of chili at a chili house on 47th Street that gave you a decent meal for well under a buck—was worth it.
And the walk, when you stopped to think about it, wasn’t such a bad idea at all. It was another time-killer, a good way to waste part of the afternoon before drifting up to see Susan for the next step in the disappointment routine. Hell, why bother to see her at all? He could walk east and then downtown and wind up on Skid Row and not have to worry about women anymore. All he’d worry about would be where he’d get the money for the next drink, and to hell with the world and Stella James and Susan Rivers.
And to hell with Ralph Lambert.
He pulled himself together and started walking south on Sixth Avenue. He walked slowly, not in any particular hurry to get any particular place. It was a nice day—sunny but not too hot, the humidity lower than usual for New York, the air relatively clean. Hell, it was a great day. But it would probably turn out to be a son of a bitch. They always did, time after goddamn time.
Sixth Avenue is a good street for a walk. At 42nd Street behind the public library is Bryant Park, with trees and benches and a drinking fountain. Then clear down to 14th Street the avenue is lined with small stores and restaurants and bars. It’s a grand old street, with lots of places to look at and enough things going on to keep a person interested.
Then, from 14th Street on downtown is the Village, and no matter how much Ralph despised the Village some of the time it was never boring. He kept on walking, taking his time, stopping to watch workmen with steam shovels sweating to lay the foundation for a new office building, just a small Village office building for dentists and doctors but an office building nevertheless. He watched kids playing ball on 12th Street and he watched a pair of men making their way into one of the myriad of gay bars.
He took his time. He relaxed.
It was almost four o’clock by the time he reached Susan’s apartment.
After he knocked she opened the door partway, then relaxed visibly when she saw that it was him. She undid the chain and opened the door the rest of the way and led him inside.
“You’re a little late,” she said.
“I was uptown. It took me awhile to walk back.”
“Why didn’t you take a train?”
He explained to her.
“That’s ridiculous,” she told him. “Why, you should have left yourself enough money for the subway. You could have taken the train straight home and I would have fixed you something to eat.”
“It’s all right. The exercise didn’t hurt me.”
“Exercise? A two-mile walk in this heat?”
“It’s not that hot.”
She shrugged. “Well, maybe it’ll be cooler after I get my clothes off.”
She undressed very quickly, very simply, not bothering to leave the room while she did so. Right away he knew that it was going to be bad this time. He didn’t feel toward her in the coldly impersonal, sexless way an artist is supposed to feel toward a model. He couldn’t see her body simply as a work of art, simply as a body to be painted. He saw her as a woman he wanted, a woman he craved, a woman he needed more than he needed anything else in the world.
She sat down in the chair and assumed the standard pose at once—feet apart, face unsmiling, her hands covering her pubic area. Breathing slightly faster than usual he mixed paints on his palette and took his brush in his hand. He uncovered the canvas and looked at it; it was almost completed, almost finished. Just another session or two and he would be done.
Tentatively he touched the brush to the canvas. He painted very slowly, so tense that he knew he would only ruin the painting if he went any faster. He worked very carefully, very precisely.
After ten minutes he couldn’t take it any longer. Every time he looked at her—her face, her legs, her breasts, the provocative position of her hands—his mind was on anything but painting. He felt himself getting weak in the knees and his hand was no longer at all steady. Once the brush slipped slightly and he cursed under his breath. He was able to rectify the slip with next to no trouble, but he was afraid the next one would be worse.
“Let’s take a break,” he suggested.
“I’m not tired.”
He grinned. “I am.”
She followed him into the kitchenette and they sat down together at the tiny kitchen table. He could feel the nearness of her, smell the clean fresh smell of her nakedness. He lit a cigarette and forced himself to look away from her, but his eyes came back to her in a second.
“Ralph—”
“What is it, darling?” The darling spilled from his lips automatically. If it bothered her she gave no indication of it.
“When can I see the picture?”
He considered. Probably there was no harm in showing it to her now. All that remained were a few strokes here and a few more there. And she had been patient enough for a hell of a long time.
“C’mon,” he said. “You might as well have a look at it.”
He took her by the hand and they walked back to the easel. Her hand was very small in his, very small and soft. He could smell the natural perfume of her body, could feel the softness of her as their bodies touched.
When she stood behind the easel with him, it was as though he himself was seeing the painting for the first time. Only then did he realize how good it was, how much better it was than anything he had ever done before. Every line had a purpose, every tone and shading was just right.
And it was her. That was the important thing, the thing that had to be right. It was her on the canvas, with every detail perfect from the smile on her face to the curves of her legs.
For a long time she didn’t say a word. He still held her hand in his and she stood without moving, her eyes concentrating entirely on the picture.
Then, still without moving or turning her head, she asked: “Is that the way I look to you, Ralph?”
“Yes.”
They were silent again. She still didn’t move.
Then: “Honestly?”
“Honestly.”
“I didn’t realize I was that…beautiful.”
“At least that beautiful. More beautiful, perhaps—but that’s as good as I can do with paint on canvas.”
She still did not avert her eyes from the canvas, and when she spoke it was in a soft monotone.
“I almost looked at it last night, Ralph. I wanted to.”
“How come you didn’t?”
“Because you told me not to.”
“I would never have known.”
She hesitated. “I’m glad I didn’t,” she said.
“How com
e?”
“This way we looked at it together. And it’s nicer that way.”
This time she moved. She turned her head toward him and there was a half-smile on her lips. He looked down into her eyes and all he could think of was how much he was in love with her, how much he wanted her, how desperately he needed her.
He put one arm around her. She didn’t draw away from him.
He lowered his mouth to hers.
The kiss started off gentle and simple and still she didn’t resist him. Then he started to draw her in closer so that her nude body pressed up against him. His tongue stroked her closed lips tenderly.
And, suddenly, she pulled away from him and hid her face in her hands.
“Susan!”
She walked away from him, shaking her head from side to side. He followed her and she sat down finally on the bed and made room for him to sit down next to her. After he did so he started to put an arm around her but she waved him away.
“Ralph,” she said. “Darling, I have something to tell you and I want you to listen to me until I’m finished. All right?”
“Sure.”
“I love you, Ralph.”
He closed his eyes, sure that he knew what was coming. It would be the same song and dance they had gone through yesterday, the same I-love-you-but-nothing-can-come-of-it business she had spouted last afternoon.
“Go ahead.”
“Please, Ralph—I don’t want you to interrupt me at all. I’m not sure just how to word this and I don’t want to louse it up.”
When she paused he took his cigarettes from his shirt pocket and shook one loose. He put it between his lips and scratched a match, bringing the flame up to the cigarette. Her fingers touched his and she asked him for a cigarette without words, and he gave her one just as silently and lit it for her.
“Ralph, darling, every time I’m with you I love you a little more. And every time I’m with you and realize how much I love you, well, I begin to want you just that much more. But basically I’m still a very scared and frightened little kid.”
He expelled a mouthful of smoke in a thin line and watched it break up into a shapeless cloud and drift lazily toward the ceiling.
“I’m afraid of a lot of things, Ralph. I’m afraid of you, for example.”
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