“I lost two babies before I was two months along, and after the last one the doctor told me there was no hope, and I never fell with child again.”
Tessa’s eyes welled. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry you can’t have a child, but you are the best Auntie ever. I blame Dougray’s father. If he had help Connie, none of this might have happened. I can understand the guilt Dougray carries.”
“He must worry about—that is, it must play on his mind every time he lies with a woman. No wonder he wants me… if he thinks I cannot get with child.”
Tessa led her back to the bench, and they sat. “Perhaps you are meant to be his wife. He can finally open his heart and love. And if he really loves you, then it is almost perfect.”
“Except I really can’t have children. What if he loses his fear as he gets older and then he’s stuck married to me?”
Tessa shrugged. “But if he loves you, won’t that be enough? If he gave you up and let you marry another, thinking to save your life, I’d say he loves you a great deal. Would you have been able to be that strong? I doubt I could have walked away from Angus even if I thought he might die. I’m too selfish.”
Flora hadn’t considered that. All she saw was that he had let her go. “Are you saying I should marry Dougray?”
“It’s Glengarry isn’t? Those three young children. But while those children will learn to love you unconditionally, they can’t keep you warm at night. They can’t stir your body, or your heart, or your soul like a husband can. During the day they become your world, but at night your only company will be loneliness. Especially with Glengarry. He’s always been a rake, be it a gentlemanly rake, but a rake all the same.”
Flora nodded at Tessa’s assessment.
“Don’t let pride cloud your thinking. This could be the happy ending you crave. There are plenty of orphans you could raise as your own if you married Dougray.”
“That’s true. I just wish he’d given me more time to decide what to do.”
Tessa smiled. “You don’t need more time to know you still love him.”
She turned and hugged Tessa. “Yes. I still love him. I’ve always loved him.”
“You accuse him of not facing his fears, aren’t you doing the same? You have a chance to find love, grab it with both hands and never let it slip away again, but it looks like you’re too scared to take it.”
“Then best I go inside and face my fears.” She held out her hand and the two women walked back towards the Palace ballroom with determined strides.
Dougray watched Tessa and Flora reenter the ballroom, and he was relieved to see a smile on her face. He wondered if Tessa might have tried to dissuade her of the match, but it appeared she hadn’t. He wondered if he had Angus to thank for that. Did Angus confide in his wife?
He was about to make his way to her when he saw Lord Glengarry get to her first, bow before her, taking her hand and pressing a kiss to her knuckles. Dougray’s hands curled into fists. How could Flora consider this cretin? He wanted to rip Glengarry’s eyes out for even looking at her. And his smile… It spoke of familiarity and possession, but Flora was his. Would be his.
His feet picked up speed as he made his way to her side, only to see her slip her arm through Glengarry’s and be led to the dance floor. A waltz started up, and he had to count to one hundred to stop himself tearing Flora from Glengarry’s arms as they glided by. He would not lose her a second time. Not to this man. Not to any man.
A delicate hand touched his arm, pulling his gaze away from the dancing couple. “So there is more to this marriage than appeasing a King. You look as though you want to ring Glengarry’s neck.”
At Tessa’s words, his jaw loosened. “He’s not good enough for her.”
“And you are? Please don’t hurt her. She is too good a person to be disappointed again. If you don’t love with her, then set her free. You could have any woman you choose as your wife.”
“I could have any woman, but I choose her. I want her. I love her.” He looked at his best friend’s wife and hoped she understood. “I’m getting closer to five and thirty every day, and I want more in my life, more from my life. I want what you and Angus share. The closeness. I watch you. If he looked at you now from where he stands on the other side of the room you’d know what he was thinking.”
“That’s because he loves me. We complete each other.”
“I love Flora and I hope one day she will forgive me and love me too.”
Tessa studied him for a moment before nodding. “I believe you think there is something missing in your life, but you had your chance eight years ago. You broke her heart when you let her marry Iain. You’ve also had your chance the three years she has been a widow. It makes me wonder why you are so fixated on marrying Flora now, just as the King is arriving on Scottish soil.”
He did not flinch or look away under her calculating stare. “You don’t think she is right for me? Or is it you don’t think I love her?”
She gave a wistful sigh. “I think you are not being honest with yourself. You say having a son is not important to you, in fact Flora told me it scares you to think of a woman carrying your babe. I can sympathize with your fear. But life is long. What happens if suddenly you crave a child? You’d destroy Flora if she found that out. She had five years of disappointing a husband, and she didn’t even love him. She would wither and die if she found you felt the same.”
“I won’t change my mind. Flora means too much to me.”
Tessa’s mouth curled down. “Because you are an honorable man, I will take you at your word.”
“Thank you.”
“But if you break her heart, I’ll… Well, I’ll get Angus to beat you senseless.” She pushed him toward the floor. “Now break in and claim the woman you are about to marry before this crowd forms the wrong idea.”
He pressed a kiss to Tessa’s cheek and did as she suggested. As he strode determinedly through the dancing couples, he could see tongues wagging.
When he tapped on Glengarry’s shoulder the man’s face looked like thunder, but he handed Flora over graciously, too concerned at making a scene. If someone had tried to step in while he was dancing with Flora he would have punched the rotter out.
No sooner had they twirled about the floor, than a sea of decorated fans fluttered and heads turned.
“That was rude and uncalled for,” Flora held herself stiffly in his arms. “Is this what I can expect when I become your duchess.”
He swore his feet left the floor at her words ‘become your duchess’. He felt his heart burst from his chest. He’d never been so happy.
“You will not regret this,” he whispered in her ear. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
He almost tripped over his feet. It was the first time she’d said that to him in eight long years. He didn’t care that the whole of society was watching. He turned and almost dragged her from the ballroom. He didn’t stop until he reached the bedchamber he had been given in the Palace.
The minute he pushed the door closed with his foot, he swept her into his arms and carried her to the bed. As he laid her down, he whispered, “I’ve been waiting what seems a lifetime to have you in my bed.” He lay down beside her so they were facing each other, the rampant desire still there and heightened by the knowledge he could make love to her the way a woman should be loved.
Her smile faded, and he saw the emotion pass over her face. She must remember too.
“I hope you can forgive me for letting you go. But I swear I’m never letting you go again.”
“While I will always regret out lost years, I can understand your reasoning, although I don’t agree with it. My marriage was not horrid, but I found little joy in it.”
Pain ripped across his face. “I thought what I was doing was right.” He looked away and talked. “I was ten years old when my mother died in childbirth. I remember it like it was yesterday. The screams went on for hours, getting weaker and weaker until there was silence and I heard a
baby’s cry. My father was not home, and I was trying to be the man of the house. I went racing up the stairs and into her room, and all I saw was blood. There was so much blood on the floor I skidded on it and fell onto the blood-soaked sheets of her birthing bed. Something went wrong with the birth and she bleed to death. The midwife said the baby was too big for my mother. I would have had another brother if the babe had lived.”
Flora sucked in a breath. “I’m so sorry you had to see that, and at such a young age.”
“Then when I learned of Connie’s agonizing death and the reason why—that the child was too big… I vowed I would not cause another woman’s death in childbirth.”
She pressed a kiss to his cheek and turned his head to look at her. “I wished you had talked to me about your fear. Even if I could not dissuade you from your notion about childbirth, I would have understood why you did what you did.”
“I think it was better that you did not know and that you could hate me.” He gave a bitter laugh. “If you had stayed my friend during your marriage, I don’t know if I’d have had the strength to stay away from you.” His voice was ragged.
Flora cupped his face, and she pressed a kiss to his lips. She blinked back tears because she wanted none shed in this room or in his bed. They had both cried enough tears to last a lifetime. This would be their new special place.
“No more recriminations. Only words of love, desire, and need.”
Iain had been a considerate lover. She had not found her wifely duties terrible, but neither did she understand how some woman craved their husband’s attentions, like Tessa did. “I’ve never made love before because I could not give Iain my heart. Care to show me what I have missed all these years?”
He squeezed his eyes shut. “I’m scared that when I open my eyes, this will be but a dream. I can’t believe you have forgiven me.”
“I would not be here if I thought I could not put the past behind me. Open your eyes. I’m here. For as long as you want me.”
The look of pain reflected in Dougray’s eyes when he opened them made her heart ache. She wrapped her arms about his neck and snuggled closer. “Make love to me.”
He shuddered against her as he pulled her tight into his embrace. She felt safe. Loved. All she could think about was how fervently she wanted Dougray, how much she needed him to show her how much he loved her.
His mouth found hers and gently sought entrance. All it took was a sigh into his mouth for his kiss to grow desperate, as if he needed her to save his soul.
Her questing hands undressed him, and when she broke from his kiss to press her lips to his bare chest, he gathered himself and unhooked her gown.
“You unman me,” he whispered.
“I hope not. I’m expecting wonderful things,” she teased, trying to lighten the mood.
Praise God. He really didn’t deserve her. She kissed him tenderly, letting her warm mouth linger against his as she undid the buttons on his breeches. He drank in her kiss, soaking in her forgiveness. He used his hands to free her copper rich tresses and watched them tumble like waves of sunset over her shoulders and the breasts he’d bared. God, she was so beautiful.
He tried to stop the shudder of fear that hit him. What if she wasn’t barren, what if she fell with child? He could not bear to lose her.
As if sensing his mental withdrawal, she urged him to lie back as she finished undressing him and then herself.
Once they were both naked, she kissed his entire body slowly, letting her soft tresses sweep his body in a sensual caress as she moved lower. He was already heavily aroused, and the erotic image of her leaning over him, her full breasts hanging tantalizingly over his chest, caused him to harden even further. When Flora’s tongue licked the tip of his erection, his hips rose off the bed.
He lost track of how long her mouth tortured him. He grew light-headed as she attended to him, licking, stroking, and exploring every inch of him. She paid special attention with her tongue to his nipples before delivering a feather-light kiss to his stomach. His muscles clenched in a mixture of tenderness and wrenching desire.
He’d never wanted or needed her more.
When her luscious lips slid down his shaft, his hands tangled in her hair. Dougray whispered her name over and over as she loved him with her mouth. She ran her tongue up and down his rampant erection, intermittently taking him deep into her mouth, sucking him. His eyes squeezed shut. He wouldn’t last long if he watched this delicious sight.
Soon the coiling tension became too much to bear, and he pulled her up and rolled her under him. He wanted to be inside her when he came, something that he’d denied himself for many, many, years. Also, he wanted her to have the most intense orgasm of her life so he could feel her tighten around his cock. He wanted to banish Viscount Iain Grafton from her memory.
She was breathing as heavily as he was. Her breasts pressed into his chest, her nipples hard.
He rose above her, the muscles of his arms standing out as they supported his weight. He wanted a moment to soak in the vision of her. “I never thought you’d ever be in this bed with me like this. I will cherish being here with you, cherish this memory, until I die.”
A tear leaked from the corner of her eye. “Just love me. Banish the past for good.”
He needed no further encouragement. Pushing her thighs wide, he slowly entered her tight, wet sheath, never taking his eyes from hers. Only when he was seated deep within her body did he let his eyelids close. He held still, savoring this moment.
Finally, his body urged him to move. He went slowly, willing his own needs away, wanting to drive Flora’s desire skyward. Their joining was heaven, and soon her response made his body throb with sensation. He could feel the rampant need rushing through her into him. His desperate longing caused his heart to ache. She would always be his and only his, no matter the past or what the future held.
The tenderness of their lovemaking gave way to a firestorm of need. In the throes of passion they moved as if one, drinking in each other’s cries, shuddering with each thrust, and soon he could feel the pinnacle approaching and… he couldn’t do it. He pulled from her body and spilled his seed on the sheets.
As the waves of intense pleasure lessened, he realized they were clutching each other tightly. He rolled to his side taking Flora with him, but she lay stiffly in his arms.
They lay like that for several minutes until their breathing slowed, and the stars of ecstasy faded.
He heard Flora softly ask, “Will it always be like that?”
At first he thought she meant the wondrousness of the moment. The closeness, the pleasure, and the love evident in the act. But her next words gutted him like a fish.
“You have fears, well, I have fears too. Do you know what my biggest fear is? That I will never get to hold a babe in my arms. It’s likely that I never will, but I still have hope.” She turned her head to look at him and he saw a tear leak from her eye. “I won’t marry you if you take that slight chance away. If you cannot make love to me as you would a wife, then I will walk away regardless of the fact I love you so much.”
Panic coursed through his body until he could barely breathe. “It was merely a reflex action. I’ve been doing that for years.”
She searched his face. “We have the rest of the night. When we make love again, I expect you to treat me as if I was your wife, not a mistress you don’t want to have fall with child.”
She hugged him tight, but then she moved off to lie next to him. He lay staring up at the ceiling for a long while.
“I don’t know if I can do that.”
Chapter 7
At least Dougray was being honest with her. She rose and gathered her clothes.
“I have given up a lot because of a decision you made about us, without me, many years ago. If you want me to become your wife, we will decide together. My decision is that I want the chance to see if I can have a child of my own. If you cannot face your fear and allow me my dream, then I will find a man who will.�
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He sat up and she could barely think to dress herself with his glorious nakedness before her, especially after the wonderful moment they just shared. Never had she experienced such passion, such release, until he’d pulled from her body as if she were one of his ‘women’.
“I thought you understood. I thought you knew that I can only marry you because you can not get with child. I don’t want to risk something happening to you?”
“You stupid man. All of life is a risk. Look at Iain. A bee felled him. A bee! We do not know what the future holds for any of us. I’m not God, you are not God.” She sank down onto the edge of the bed and pulled on her stockings. “If I become your wife, I want the chance to give you a son. To have your child and to do that I would risk everything and anything, even my life.”
“I won’t.”
She looked over her shoulder at him, and his face was stark with terror.
“I look at Connor and I envy Connie. I envy a dead woman because she gave you a child. I would have changed places with Connie gladly if it meant I created something so perfect. If it meant a part of me would be here after me.”
When he looked away she whispered, “You might want to live a safe little life, but I want to embrace life and face the risks, because the joys we might receive are worth it. Can you honestly say you wish Connor had never been born?”
“That’s not fair.”
She nodded. “But life isn’t fair, we both know that. But Connor is such a wonderful young man. Please don’t deny me a chance to see if I can fulfill my dream.”
“You are asking a lot of me. If I lost you in childbirth… It would destroy me.”
“It will destroy me if I cannot try. We could have such a wonderful life together. It’s all or nothing, because I’d rather have nothing than a half-life with you.”
“What if you still don’t get with child? Will that not devastate you? Perhaps I’m protecting you from that.”
“At least be truthful. You are protecting yourself.” She sighed. “If I don’t fall with child, then I will accept that fate, and you will have to come to terms with not having an heir.” She put up her hand. “I understand you think you don’t care but you might change your mind as you age. That is the risk both of us take if we marry. That as you age, you might resent the fact I’m barren.”
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