“The reality is I loved you.” He rested his hands on her shoulders. “I still love you.”
* * *
Jaxon felt as if his heart was beating out of his chest as he waited for Sela to say something. He’d never said those words before. Not once. If she told him it was too little, too late, he had no idea how he would recover.
“Jax…” She lowered her head and pressed her hands into his chest. “You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to hear you say those words, but things are different now.”
“I know that.” He wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her into him. “I don’t want to go back. I want to move forward.”
“I can’t.” The words were muffled because her face was buried in his chest. “I have to figure things out. Breaking up with Sheldon really shook me. I was ready to marry him. How could I go from feeling that way to being practically indifferent when he told me we should end things?”
“Maybe you saw the light?” He wasn’t trying to make light of her feelings, but he could tell by the way she stiffened in his arms that she believed he was.
“This isn’t a joke. This is my life.” She pushed away from him. “I have to figure things out for myself, and I need some time and space to do that.”
He wanted to argue that they could figure things out together, but he could tell she’d made up her mind. “Will you at least agree to consider giving me another chance?”
“I can’t agree to anything right now.” She shivered, and he pulled her close. “I’ve spent the last two days thinking about where to go from here, and the only thing I know for sure is that I need to be alone. Kiki’s moving out. I’ll have the place to myself. School is ending soon, and I’ll be starting a new life. It’s exciting and scary.”
“Why can’t I be a part of that new life?” He was pushing when he should be pulling back, but he’d given her too much space before, and he didn’t intend to make that mistake again.
“We have so many strikes against us,” she said, looking at him. “My family, for one.”
“No matter how hard they try, your parents can’t stop me from loving you.”
Her smile trembled. “I still can’t believe I’m hearing these words come from your mouth. It doesn’t seem real.”
“It is real, and you’d better get used to hearing it, because I don’t intend to stop saying it. Ever.” Jaxon had noticed she hadn’t said she felt the same way about him, but he believed that would come in time.
“I just want to figure out what I want. Not what you want for me or what my family thinks I should do, but what would make me happy.”
That meant she could decide she was happier on her own than with him, but pushing her to feel something she didn’t would only make them both miserable. The way the full moon reflected in her eyes took his breath away. He knew he probably shouldn’t, but he couldn’t stop himself from kissing her.
He was cautious at first, afraid to spook her, but then she looped her arms around his neck and leaned into the kiss. He took his time exploring her mouth, determined to relearn everything about her, from the way she liked to be kissed to the things that made her happy and sad. His new mission in her life was to make her dreams come true… starting with that kiss. He poured all of the love he’d been denying for so long into deepening their connection. Plunging his hands into her hair, he held her face, kissing her deeply, thoroughly, until he could have sworn they’d both stopped breathing.
She panted when they broke apart. “I almost forgot what it felt like. Kissing you is…”
“Is what?” he asked, trying to hide his smile.
“Mind-blowing.”
He laughed and held her close, wishing he never had to let her go. Time. Space. Two words he had a feeling he would learn to hate. “Right back atcha, babe.”
“We should get going,” she said, straightening her skirt.
“Are you tired?”
“No, but I’m getting a little chilly.”
“How about we go back to my place for a quick drink?”
“Jaxon.” She looked torn between being sensible and being irresponsible. “I really shouldn’t. I have an early class.”
“Come on, you haven’t told me about the new job yet. I want to hear all about it.” He would miss seeing her at High Rollers, but he hoped by then, they would see plenty of each other after hours.
“Okay, but just a cup of coffee. No more alcohol for me tonight.”
“Hey,” he said, holding her hand as they walked back to his car, “you know I’d never try to take advantage of you when you’re feeling vulnerable, right?” He didn’t want her to think he’d given her liquor to lower her inhibitions.
“Of course,” she said, frowning. “Why would you ask that?”
“Well, you just broke up with someone. I didn’t want you to think I was just like Riley.”
She hesitated when he opened the car door for her. “I don’t follow.”
“He didn’t waste any time moving in after we broke up. I didn’t want to be that guy.”
She laughed. “You and Riley couldn’t be more different if you tried.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment.”
“It was intended as one.”
He smiled. “Then you’re not interested in him?”
“No, definitely not.”
It was nice to get the reassurance. “Glad to hear it.”
She grasped his arm. “And for the record, there was nothing between us. I went out with him a couple of times to try to take my mind off you, but it didn’t work. I told him it was too soon for me to think about getting involved with someone else.”
“He couldn’t have taken that well.”
“Actually, he was fine with it.” She giggled. “He told me he could be patient because he knew our time would come.”
Jaxon rolled his eyes. “God, that guy’s delusional.”
“Yeah, but he’s harmless.”
Jaxon wasn’t so sure about that, which was why he intended to keep a close eye on him. “He better be if he knows what’s good for him.”
* * *
Walking back into Jaxon’s penthouse after all that time was bittersweet for Sela. She had so many memories in his place. She’d even imagined she would be living there one day…
“Twenty for your thoughts,” he said, wrapping his arms around her from behind when he closed the door.
“Isn’t that supposed to be a penny for your thoughts?”
“Being able to read your mind would be worth a lot more than that to me.”
She smiled as she leaned her head back on his chest. “Big spender.”
“Tell me what you’re thinking, beautiful,” he whispered, kissing her temple.
“Just being back here stirs up a lot of memories.”
“Good or bad?”
“A little bit of both.” There was a time when she would have been afraid to speak her mind with Jaxon. She had always tried to please him, hoping if she said or did the right thing, he would admit he loved her. But those words never came—until tonight. Could she believe him, or was he just saying what he thought he had to say to get her back into his bed?
“Can we focus on the good tonight?” he asked, skimming her neck with his lips.
“We can’t pretend the bad never happened.” It would be too easy to mentally erase the pain and anguish she’d felt, but if she did, she could be setting herself up for more misery.
“Why not?”
“It’s a part of our history, Jax. An important part.”
He kissed her hand as he led her into the large living room. It was exactly as she remembered, a contemporary white-on-white color scheme with a few punches of color for dramatic effect. The designer had zeroed in on Jaxon’s need for minimalism while appreciating his preference for the finer things.
“As beautiful as I remember,” she said, appreciating the windows covering the south wall of his apartment.
“More beautiful,” he said, touching her f
ace with reverence.
She blushed at the compliment. “I was talking about your apartment.”
“And I was talking about you.”
He kissed her softly, making it difficult for her to tear herself away, but she had to. She’d meant it when she told him she needed time to sort out her feelings. Given her history with Jaxon, they couldn’t jump into a physical relationship, no matter how incredible the short-term benefits would be.
“About that coffee… can I expect it anytime soon or did you just use that as an excuse to lure me here?” she asked.
He laughed, looking happier and more carefree than she’d seen him in a long time. She loved that she could make him so happy, but she questioned whether it was possible for them to continue that trend without hurting each other.
“Still a coffee hound, Sela?”
“There are worse things I could be addicted to.” Caffeine was the only way she’d managed to get through the past four years, between work and her studies. She thought school was tough the first time around, but her parents had supported her decision to go to law school, so they’d been happy to foot the bill. When she told them jewelry design was her passion, they told her she was on her own to finance her dream.
“I can’t argue with that,” he said, leading her into the kitchen.
Sela remembered a time not so long ago when she’d been addicted to him. Once she started to heal, she’d vowed she’d never go there again, yet she was back in his life. Was she a glutton for punishment, or a woman who wanted to give the man she’d loved the benefit of the doubt?
“Why do you look so serious all of a sudden?” he asked, facing her as he waited for the single cup of coffee to brew.
She was caught off guard. “No reason.”
“You’re a terrible liar.” He turned back around to brew a second cup of coffee. “Would you like to try the truth now?”
“I question whether I’m crazy for being here with you again.” Being honest with him felt good. Neither one of them had excelled at that before. He’d been too guarded to be honest, and she’d been afraid of falling too deeply and getting hurt.
The spoon over his mug froze as he looked at her. “Don’t do that. Please. We’re here because we both want to be. Don’t overanalyze it. Let’s just enjoy it.”
She reached for her coffee, thinking how easy it would be to get lost in the moment and let fate guide them. She’d never been big on taking the easy way though.
“You’re still doing it,” he said, looking somber. “Why?”
“You can’t ask me to just forget. Too much has happened.” She poured a drop of milk into her coffee and stirred while his eyes bored into her. “I’ve cried too many tears, devoted too many months of my life to getting over you…” She was sacrificing her pride to tell him how hard it had been, but the only way out of the pain was through it.
“You think it was easy for me?” he asked, captivating her with the raw emotion in his voice. “You think I didn’t shed tears? That I didn’t tear this place up, put my fist through the walls in my office… or think about wrapping my bike around a tree? You think I wasn’t bleeding on the inside, Sela?”
“Maybe you’re not the same guy you used to be.” She wanted to believe more than anything that losing her had changed him.
“Nothing has been the same for me since you walked out the door. Nothing.”
She slowly expelled a breath as she fixed her eyes on the countertop. She couldn’t look at the pain in his eyes. It would break her, and she had to stay strong. If he really had changed, time would prove it. Rushing back into a relationship with him would only prove she was a fool.
“Let’s take this into the living room,” he said when she didn’t respond. He reached for her coffee as well as his and set them down on the glass coffee table while she settled on the couch. He sat and pulled a velvet cushion out from beneath him, tossing it aside so he could move closer to her. “So tell me about this new job of yours.”
Sela was mesmerized by his proximity. He wasn’t invading her personal space, but if she leaned in a fraction of an inch, he would too, and it would be game over. He’d always been a difficult man to resist, but the softer, gentler Jaxon was practically impossible to refuse.
“The job?” he asked, handing her the coffee cup.
“Oh, uh, right.” She lowered her head when she felt her cheeks grow warm. If only he knew what she’d been thinking. “It’s a great opportunity. A one-year paid internship with a company famous for featuring exciting new jewelry designers. I thought I’d have to relocate for a position like this, but it’s right in my own backyard, which is amazing.”
“I couldn’t agree more.” He sipped his coffee and looked at her over the rim of the white ceramic mug. “I’d hate like hell for you to leave town now when we’re finally reconnecting.”
The way he said the word made it sound so intimate, or maybe it was the way his long fingers cradled the mug, reminding her of how many times he’d used them to bring her ecstasy… She closed her eyes, hoping that without the sight of him, the memories would be less poignant. But when she did, he inched closer, and the familiar scent of his cologne conjured up a whole new scent of memories. Like the way she used to kiss and lick his neck as he pressed her into the mattress…
“You’re thinking about what it felt like when we made love,” he whispered, his breath teasing her hair. “I am too. In fact, I can’t get it out of my head.”
He took her cup and set it on the table. Sela was grateful. Another minute, and she would have been wearing it. She wanted to tell him to stop torturing her, but the words wouldn’t come. She felt his face in the crook of her neck, his tongue licking the hollow that always made her squirm. Stop, her mind screamed, but her body said, Go, go, go! She fisted her hands at her sides, refusing to touch him. He popped the first button of her blouse, his mouth moving to the opening before he popped another.
“Jax…” If he wasn’t such a skillful lover, she could easily say no, but rejecting him was akin to punishing herself. No man could make a woman feel the way he could. “We should—”
“You’re right, we should.”
She could tell his lips were curved into a smile as he pressed them against her skin. He was so cocky, so sure of himself, probably because no woman had ever been stupid enough to reject him. But there was a first time for everything. “I’m not ready for this.”
He retreated, searching her eyes. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to push.”
“It’s okay.” She rested one hand on his shoulder. “We got carried away, that’s all.”
“I should probably get you home.”
She reached for his hand when he stood. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to lead you on.”
“You didn’t, baby.” He kissed her hand. “I never could keep my hands off you, but if that’s what it takes to prove myself to you, I’ll take cold showers for as long as it takes. Days, weeks, months, it doesn’t matter, because I intend to have every night for the rest of my life with you.”
Chapter Nine
Dylan slammed Jaxon’s office door as he stared his friend down. “You wanna tell me what the hell you were thinking taking Sabrina to Kiki’s wedding? I thought you were into Sela. If you’re using Sabrina to make Sela jealous, I’m warning you—”
“Are you crazy?” Jaxon asked, caught off guard by his partner’s hostility. Dylan was the easy-going one who never let anything get to him. Jaxon couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen him so worked up. “Sabrina and I are just friends. She suggested I take her to the wedding; I didn’t ask her to go with me.”
Dylan scowled. “Why would she do that? Oh hell, is she into you? Did she give you the impression she was? Did anything happen between y’all?”
Jaxon pointed at one of the chairs on the other side of his desk. “Sit down, shut up, and listen.”
“You better tell me what I wanna hear, man.”
Dylan collapsed in the chair, and for the first time,
Jaxon noticed the shadows around his eyes. “Didn’t you sleep last night?”
“Don’t you answer your goddamn phone anymore?”
“Yeah, I noticed I missed your calls. I was with Sela.”
“Sela?” Dylan seemed to relax after he heard that his friend hadn’t changed course. “You were with Sela?”
“Yeah.” Jaxon smirked. “Does that make you feel better?” Sabrina had been a fixture at High Rollers for so long that most of the partners treated her like one of the boys, but he sensed Dylan felt differently. “Are you into Sabrina?”
“You answer my questions first,” Dylan said. “Why did Sabrina want to go to the wedding with you?”
“She was being a good friend. She knew I didn’t want to go alone and I didn’t want to take a real date because Sela would be there, so she volunteered. Sabrina’s always had a good relationship with Sela and Kiki, and I think she wanted to see her friend tie the knot. That’s it, end of story.”
“You’re sure there’s nothing more to it?” Dylan asked. “Nothing else happened?”
“No, she drove her own car and left before I did. She said she had some big meeting the next morning. How did you even know we went together?”
“I ran into her friend at the bar last night. She told me.”
Jaxon smirked. “That explains why you were burnin’ up my phone ‘til one in the mornin’. Why didn’t you just ask Sabrina about it?”
“I can’t let her know I care,” Dylan said, blowing out a breath. “She thinks of me as a friend, nothing more. She’s told me that a dozen times.”
Jaxon was surprised. Women rarely looked at Dylan as friend material. He was ridiculously good looking, even from a guy’s perspective. He’d played professional football until a knee injury took him out of the game, and High Rollers had made him successful beyond reason.
“Really? You sure about that?” Jaxon asked.
“Of course I’m sure,” Dylan said, looking irritated. “You think I’d be sitting back doing nothing if I thought I had a chance with her? She’s shot me down one too many times already.”
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