by Liz Rettig
Noticed that his admirers were all smiling at him with their heads tilted to one side and bobbing about like a Barbie doll whose neck had been broken. The thought made me grin but he must have thought I was smiling at him as he waved, smiled back and made his way over to our table, followed by his hopeful harem.
‘Hi, Kelly Ann. These seats free?’
I nodded. He sat down and after a while we started to chat about Rangers’ chances against AC Milan next month and also whether they might win next week’s play-off with Celtic (not great and no) – to the annoyance of his groupies as he wasn’t paying any attention to them.
‘So,’ one of the most determined fourth years interrupted, ‘do you two know each other?’
‘Yeah,’ Michael said. ‘We were in Jack and the Beanstalk together.’
‘Oh, you were fabulous as Jack,’ she gushed. ‘Didn’t notice her in it though.’
Michael smiled. ‘Kelly Ann was playing a supporting role.’
I grinned back at him. Although he’d been playing the lead and I was just the back end of his cow, he’d been really nice to me and sometimes talked to me during breaks. When I moaned about being cast as a cow’s arse, he told me acting was a team effort and that every part was important to the success of a play. This was decent of him, even if it was hard to believe, but it got us chatting anyway and we’ve been quite friendly ever since. You’d think someone as popular as him would be really bigheaded but actually he’s not up himself at all. And he still stops to chat to me sometimes when we happen to bump into each other. Much to the surprise and annoyance of his fan club.
‘So, Michael,’ the determined fourth year said, trying to get his attention again, ‘what are you doing on Valentine’s Day? I just love Valentine’s, don’t you? So romantic.’
‘Actually, I think it’s mostly commercialized rubbish,’ Michael said. ‘A cynical ploy by big business to con idiots out of money.’
Next thing, all the Barbie dolls’ heads were bobbing in agreement.
Hmm, obviously it’s only people like Michael who can get away with saying stuff like that without being sneered at.
SATURDAY FEBRUARY 13TH
Got a Valentine. Yeah, right. It was from Mum or Aunt Kate of course, although they must have got someone else to do the usual cheesy Guess Who? inside as I didn’t recognize the handwriting. Well, at least they made a bit more of an effort at disguise this year, but, c’mon, just how stupid do they think I am?
SUNDAY FEBRUARY 14TH VALENTINE’S DAY
At least it’s not a school day so I don’t have to listen to people like Shelly boasting about how many Valentine cards they got. Hopefully by tomorrow it will have died down a bit – everyone will have phoned, emailed, texted and talked about what cards they did or didn’t get by then.
Chris came over today. For a laugh he brought me a rose ‘because it was Valentine’s’. He handed it to me with an exaggerated flourish, saying, ‘For my Valentine.’
I took the rose from him, saying, ‘Why, thank you, My One True Love. I shall treasure this floral tribute for ever.’ We laughed, then went into the house, where I got us both an Irn Bru before popping the rose in a pint glass as I couldn’t find a vase, where it lolled drunkenly.
As we sipped our drinks Chris asked, ‘So did you get a card yesterday?’
I said, ‘Nah. Just the usual from Mum. I mean, who would send me a card? Not that I’m bothered. You get one?’
‘Don’t know about that. Why wouldn’t someone give you a card?’
‘Suppose,’ I said, pleased.
‘After all, you’re not that ugly.’
He ducked to avoid the swipe aimed at his head. I grinned and took another slurp of Irn Bru. ‘Anyway, you didn’t answer my question. Did you get a Valentine?’
Chris reddened a bit. ‘Yeah, I did in fact. Two. But I don’t know who they’re from.’
‘God, two! You’re popular all of sudden. Not that you’re interested in girls anyway.’
‘What do you mean, not interested? I’m not gay, Kelly Ann. Of course I’m interested.’
‘Course you’re not gay,’ I soothed. ‘And I suppose you will start thinking about girls sometime. But not now. I mean, you’re too busy with schoolwork and football to be bothered with all that dating stuff right now.’
‘Well, no, not really. I’d make time. For the right girl, anyway.’
Chris seemed really sincere and the thought depressed me. I’d heard there were quite a few girls in our year who fancied him – like Linda, for instance, who’s not bad looking and quite nice. This probably meant I was going to lose another really close friend because they had started dating and weren’t interested in my company any more.
Chris said, ‘You look upset, Kelly Ann. Don’t tell me you’re jealous?’
‘Of course not. It’s just that if you start dating, well, you’ll still have time for me, won’t you? We’ll still meet up and do stuff? Still be best friends?’
‘I suppose so. I mean, I’m like a brother to you, right?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Then we’ll always be friends.’
God, I hoped so. Apart from Liz, Chris was the best and closest friend I’d ever had.
MONDAY FEBRUARY 15TH
Liz had got a Valentine from Peter Campbell, a boy who left our school at Christmas when he turned sixteen and now has a job in a supermarket. He didn’t bother to disguise who it was from and even put his mobile number on the card. She called him and they’re going to meet up this weekend.
Couldn’t help being impressed. Imagine having a boyfriend who’s that old and has a real full-time job.
Liz’s dad is not impressed though. He says the whole Campbell family – father, mother and seven kids – are a bunch of dodgy chancers, every last one of them, and besides, sixteen is too old and there is no way Liz will be allowed to go out with Peter.
Of course this means Liz will have to keep the whole thing secret from her parents, like Romeo and Juliet. As she said, it made everything so much more exciting and romantic.
SATURDAY FEBRUARY 20TH
Liz is out on her date with Peter, although she told her parents she’s at the pictures with me. She’s not the only one out with her boyfriend – nearly everyone I know has a boyfriend now.
Called Chris but he said he was too busy to come over.
When I asked what he was doing he was really vague about it and quickly got off the phone.
Hmm. This wasn’t like Chris. Just know he’s hiding something from me. But why? Hope Chris isn’t going to be one more friend who grows up and is no fun any more.
Wish people would just stay the same and never change. Like me.
MONDAY MARCH 1ST
Chris’s friend Gary walked home with Liz and me today, which is pretty unusual as he lives in the opposite direction from us. After Liz went into her house and it was just Gary and me, the reason for this sudden friendliness became obvious.
‘So how’s your pal Rebecca these days?’ Gary said. ‘You two still go to ballet classes together?’
‘She’s fine,’ I said suspiciously. ‘And no, I stopped going to ballet five years ago. Refused to wear that stupid tutu. You know Rebecca packed it in two years ago too.’
‘Oh yeah, forgot. So, I was wondering, is Rebecca seeing anyone these days? Just curious.’
‘Not since she chucked Adam. Why?’
‘No reason. It’s just, well, she’s a really nice girl, that’s all. Nice legs too. Fantastic bum. Oh, and, um, great personality. That’s what I really like about her.’
‘Sorry, Gary, don’t think she fancies you.’
‘Who said anything about fancying? Just want to be friends. Get to know her.’
‘Yeah, right.’
‘C’mon, Kelly Ann. Help me out here. I’m sure if she got to meet me out of school – you know, in a more sort of social, relaxed kind of place, like my house for instance – and if she could see me out of this naff uniform, bet I could change her mind.�
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‘No way.’
FRIDAY MARCH 5TH
Rebecca and I are going over to Gary’s house to watch a special edition of the Dirty Dancing DVD which he told us contains material never seen before and interviews with the actors. Rebecca couldn’t resist as it’s her favourite film of all time. Mine too actually – I love the dancing in it. So does Rebecca, but the main reason she likes it is that she thinks Patrick Swayze looked really hot in it.
God, Gary must be keen on Rebecca to get this movie for us. He normally watches stuff like Fight Club and kung fu action movies and his friends have been slagging him off all week.
I hoped for Gary’s sake it would be worthwhile.
Thought he might have a chance as he’s not bad looking and I know Rebecca likes guys who dress right so maybe she’ll fancy Gary when she sees him wearing the new K-Swiss trainers and Levi’s he bought last week.
We got to Gary’s at seven. Couldn’t believe my eyes when he answered the door. He’d no shoes on and his long toes poked out from skinny jeans so tight they clung to his ankles, thighs and bum like cling film. Gross. But even worse than this was his top. A white vest. No, really – a tight white vest made of thin cotton so that you could see his nipples. I mean, really, who wants to see them? Have never seen the point of boys’ nipples anyway.
He’d also done something stupid to his normally straight hair: it had a huge wave in the middle which flopped at us as he nodded a welcoming, ‘Hi, girls.’ Though compared to the jeans and the vest it hardly mattered.
I think he might have been trying to look like Patrick Swayze – he knows Rebecca has a thing about him – but, as she whispered to me as we made our way upstairs, ‘Oh my God, he looks like a rent boy.’
Didn’t really enjoy the film as I was too mortified for Gary, who seemed to imagine he’d made an impression on Rebecca. He had, but not in a good way. Especially when he got up and tried to imitate Patrick Swayze dancing. Gary can’t dance like Patrick Swayze. In fact, Gary can’t dance at all, which was embarrassing enough, but when he tried to do a particularly energetic jumpand-twist manoeuvre and his tight jeans split up the back to reveal red boxers I thought even someone like Gary would never recover from the humiliation.
I was wrong. Rebecca nearly wet herself laughing but Gary just smiled and bowed before going off to get changed into his Levi’s.
Rebecca’s dad picked her up about ten but I stayed on for a few minutes, intending to ask Gary why on earth he’d made such an idiot of himself.
However, as soon as she’d left Gary turned to me and said, ‘Thought that went really well tonight. Make a girl laugh and you’re halfway there.’
I opened my mouth to explain how totally wrong he was but then closed it again. He’d find out soon enough.
SUNDAY MARCH 7TH
Gary called round today and asked me to find out if Rebecca might be interested in going out with him.
‘Why don’t you ask her yourself?’ I grumped.
‘I would, but, erm, I thought it might be better coming from you. You can maybe talk me up a bit first. Say what a great guy I am when you get to know me. That kind of thing.’
‘Lie to a friend, you mean.’
Gary laughed. ‘Lie for a friend.’
Although I knew it was useless, I phoned Rebecca later.
‘So what do you think of Gary?’ I asked. ‘I know he was a bit of an idiot on Friday but he’s really—’
‘Oh, Gary’s a laugh but I don’t fancy him,’ Rebecca interrupted. ‘Actually it’s his friend Ian I really like. Do you think I’ve any chance with him?’
‘Hmm, I, erm, don’t know,’ I lied.
Know for a fact she’s wasting her time. Ian, who’s six foot three, is always complaining he can’t find a girl tall enough for him and won’t look at any girl under five foot ten. Rebecca is five foot. Enough said. God, things were much easier when we were all at primary school and no one fancied anyone.
MONDAY MARCH 8TH
Was chatting to Michael in the chip-shop queue. He’s got an audition for a part in a TV commercial and didn’t know whether he should go or not.
‘I don’t know, Kelly Ann. I want to be a serious actor one day. Maybe this wouldn’t be a good move.’
I thought getting on TV was totally cool even if it was just a commercial and was telling him so when I heard a familiar voice behind me say, ‘Hiya, Kelly Ann.’
Shelly. And smiling at me like we were best pals.
I just sneered at her. Suppose Michael must have found my silence awkward because when I didn’t reply he looked at Shelly and said politely, ‘Hi, how’s it going?’
I expected Shelly to get right in there, chatting him up, but to my surprise she just stammered, ‘Aayah-sh-sh. I, um, dunno … um, yeah.’
Her face had gone all red and blotchy. Then, when she tried to talk again, all she could manage by way of conversation was a few more high-pitched strangled squeaks which sounded like a mouse being garrotted. Not that I’ve ever heard a mouse being garrotted but, well, if I had it would probably have sounded like Shelly.
It was weird the way Shelly got all shy and stupid around Michael, but maybe even queen bitches like her lose their cool when confronted with someone as totally gorgeous as him. Suppose one of the few good things about being a flat-chested brunette like me is that boys like him are so totally out of my league it doesn’t matter what I say or do. So I can just be, like, totally cool about it.
MONDAY MARCH 15TH
Liz has decided that it’s definitely time I had a boyfriend and snogged someone. It would finally kill all the rumours about me being gay, so annoy Shelly, and it would be good for my psychosocial development, whatever that is.
She says the new boy William who started in January has told his friend Dave, who told Gary, who told Beth and Melissa, who told Liz, that he fancies me.
Hmm, William. He’s a bit freckly and thin, but not totally ugly, so I wouldn’t be embarrassed to be seen with him. Don’t know that I really want to snog him though, but I suppose I could manage it if I closed my eyes and thought about something else. It’s not as though he’s so ugly I’d throw up or anything. Anyway, as Liz says, I don’t have to marry him and have his kids, I just have to be seen snogging him a few times, and I think I could manage that.
Yeah. Told Liz OK, I’d do it.
TUESDAY MARCH 16TH
Liz spotted him in the corridors at break time heading towards the boys’ toilets. ‘Quick, Kelly Ann, he’s on his own and if you hurry you could catch him.’
I ran off after him and managed to reach him just before he got to the door. I grabbed him by the arm. He turned round, startled, then stepped back away from me until he was right against the wall. I moved closer and smiled in what I hoped was an attractive and reassuring manner but felt my expression turn into a grimace as I became aware of the more-than-slight pong that always seems to hang about the entrance to the boys’ toilets. Decided to come straight to the point: ‘My friend Liz says you like me.’
He flushed but didn’t deny it, mumbling something which sounded a bit like, yeah, he thought I was OK. That would have to do.
‘So do you want to be my boyfriend then?’
He looked from side to side – I suppose to check if anyone was nosing in on our conversation – then said quietly, ‘Erm, well maybe. I don’t know.’
This didn’t sound too promising and wasn’t what Liz had made me think. She’d told me he was dead keen. ‘What’s maybe supposed to mean? Aren’t you sure? Why not?’
He held his palms out towards me defensively. ‘No offence, Kelly Ann, it’s just I’m not certain whether we’re suited or not.’
Hmm, wondered what he’d been hearing about me. Maybe Shelly and her lot had got to him already, spreading their poison. ‘I’m not a lesbian if that’s what you think. You really shouldn’t believe everything you read in the girls’ toilets, you know.’
A couple of first-year boys passed behind me on their way into the t
oilets and looked at us curiously, so I bawled at them to get lost and stop being so nosy before fixing my smile back in place and trying not to breathe through my nose.
William put his hands back down, then stared at me strangely. ‘I don’t read stuff in the girls’ toilets.’
‘No, well, I suppose not, but anyway, I’m definitely not gay just so you know.’
‘Right. Good. But, er, maybe we should get to know each other first before deciding whether we’d like to be boyfriend and girlfriend. OK?’
‘Well, all right. What do you want to know?’
‘Um, I’m not sure exactly. Look, could I go to the toilet now? Please?’
Glanced over at Liz, who was smiling encouragement at me but also pointing to her watch. William was trying to sidle past me, but obviously I couldn’t let him go without getting something definite arranged to report to Liz, so I stayed right in front of him and put my arm against the wall to his right, blocking his way.
‘The thing is,’ I explained, ‘it’s not that important. I mean, we’re not getting married or anything. We don’t have to go out for long – just a week or two maybe, and then we can split. You can say you dumped me if you like, although I’d kinda rather you didn’t. Maybe we could just say it was sort of mutual and we just drifted apart.’
‘Well, I hadn’t really thought about splitting up since we’re not actually going out together yet. And I still think we need to know a bit about each other first.’
He said yet. This was more like it. ‘So,’ I said again, ‘what do you want to know?’
‘Look, Kelly Ann,’ he said, sounding a bit desperate, ‘I’ll meet you after school. OK? We’ll talk then.’
‘Fine,’ I agreed happily. ‘Where should we meet? Here maybe? Hmm, perhaps not. A bit pongy. At the school gates? Nah, too crowded. What about across the road by the park entrance?’
‘Anywhere, I don’t care,’ he kind of squeaked, clutching himself now. Bloody hell, he must have a weak bladder or something. Decided I’d better let him go before he embarrassed both of us. There was no way I could date a boy who still had ‘accidents’ after all.