by Liz Rettig
Was feeling bored today so when Rebecca invited me over to her house after school, I agreed. Her two best friends, Debbie and Nicola, came too.
Rebecca’s got a really cute hamster called Ben. Found myself spending most of the time playing with Ben as all Rebecca and her friends wanted to do was talk about make-up and boys.
In an effort to change the subject I asked if anyone had heard Smashed to Pieces’ latest album. They all had – though instead of talking about the music, which was really good, they all started on about the boys in the band and which one was the hottest. There’s a new guy now called Jason Donnelly and he’s got a fantastic voice, but all they could talk about was how he looked and whether he was fitter than Zach the drummer and Matt the lead guitarist. They agreed he was – except for Debbie, who is ‘in love’ with Matt.
No, really, she’s totally obsessed with him – even knows his shoe size, birth weight and rising sign. All her school books are covered with pictures of him and she’s had his face lasered onto her knickers. Mental.
Oh God – except for Liz, can’t help finding girls’ company boring now. I mean, for God’s sake, what did it matter what these guys in the band looked like? It wasn’t as though any of us would ever have a chance of meeting them, never mind dating them. Most girls my age are just so stupid.
THURSDAY APRIL 8TH
Liz’s dad has told my dad that I was Liz’s alibi with that ‘wee shite’ Peter so Dad has grounded me and docked my pocket money for a month, which I think is totally over the top and completely unfair. I wasn’t the one having any fun after all. Honestly, parents are such copycats sometimes.
Looks like Angela and Graham are going to have the pleasure of my company again on Saturday. Also looks like Chris is going to have to wait a while for his football boots. Just as well he’s patient.
THURSDAY APRIL 15TH
Liz’s mum says it’s all very well Liz’s dad saying she’s grounded for a month but he’s off to London with his work for the next fortnight and won’t have to share the house with a moaning teenager 24/7 so her grounding is lifted. But if Liz so much as speaks to a boy without getting her parents’ written permission first she’ll be sent to a nunnery for the rest of her life whether she’s Catholic or not.
FRIDAY APRIL 16TH
Mum says there’s no way she’s putting up with a weekend of me moping around the house with a face like a buffalo with piles so my grounding’s lifted but I’d better not tell any more lies or she’d batter me up and down the house.
She did seem pretty desperate to get rid of me so I decided to push it a bit. ‘Thanks, Mum, but I’ll just be staying in tonight all the same as I’ve no money to do anything.’
Mum threw a tenner at me. ‘Away to the pictures or something and take your moaning face out of my sight.’
Really, sometimes my mum isn’t too bad. Called Liz telling her that Mum had given me money to go out – did she want to come with me? At first, instead of being pleased, she went on about how bad it was for me that my mum was not consistent about sanctions (yeah, like her mum was) and how this would negatively affect my psychological development, but when I told her I’d enough for both of us she quickly changed her mind. After all, as she said, adult human beings’ behaviour was not always fair, consistent or rational so this would help me learn to deal with the flawed nature of humanity and so really Mum was teaching me a valuable lesson. Liz would be ready in half an hour.
As it turned out though, Liz’s mum had also given in over pocket money withdrawal when she heard mine had caved in (sometimes the copycat behaviour works to our advantage) so as well as going to the pictures we were able to afford a bucket of toffee popcorn, a pound of pick-‘n’-mix plus a hot dog and two large Cokes, although Liz had Diet Coke as she is trying to lose weight.
MONDAY APRIL 19TH
Liz and I were talking to Gary about the film we’d seen last night. Gary said he’d wanted to see that film too and had suggested it to Chris but he’d been broke and Gary hadn’t wanted to go by himself. We should have called him.
Gary looked at us. ‘Why have your faces gone all red? It isn’t a dirty film, is it? Bloody hell, if I’d known that I’d have loaned Chris the money to go with me.’
Oh God, felt so guilty. So did Liz, though she later pretended she didn’t.
‘Of course I don’t feel guilty,’ she said. ‘Guilt is a negative, useless emotion. Well, not totally useless, I suppose. Without it we’d be psychopaths and cool about slaughtering innocent people, then eating pizza and watching Doctor Who straight after. But we’ve not done anything like that. Slaughtering people, I mean.’
‘We should have paid some money back to Chris, Liz,’ I said miserably. ‘How much have you got left?’
‘Twenty-six p,’ Liz replied, flushing. Knew she felt guilty. ‘You?’
I looked in my purse and checked my pockets but I knew the answer anyway. ‘Twelve p. That makes, um, thirty-eight p. Not much point in giving that to Chris now.’
‘Hmm, no. But we could donate it to charity.’
‘How does that help Chris?’
‘It doesn’t, but doing a selfless good deed will help us feel better – er, less guilty.’
‘So how is it selfless then?’
‘You’re right. Let’s buy a Freddo to cheer ourselves up. Chocolate contains mood-enhancing chemicals, you know.’
‘OK.’
FRIDAY APRIL 23RD
Liz’s gran has come down to stay over for the weekend and as usual on these visits she gave Liz money to buy herself ‘something nice’. Normally Liz would have spent all of it that day but this time, as we were walking home from school, she held the thirty pounds out to me and said, ‘Take it quick, Kelly Ann, before I change my mind. Don’t want to feel guilty about Chris again. Guilt is a very negative emotion, you know; it can lead to feelings of self-hatred.’
I reached for the money but Liz was still holding it in a tight grasp.
‘I would probably try to blot out these feelings,’ she continued, ‘by abusing alcohol and drugs. Of course, this would eventually only make me feel worse and I would be drawn into a vicious downward spiral of guilt, shame and addiction so that finally the only way out was suicide.
‘Of course, if Chris found out he was responsible for my death he’d feel guilty too, which would lead to feelings of self-hatred and—’
I yanked the money from Liz’s grasp. ‘Thanks, Liz, I’ll see Chris gets this.’
SATURDAY APRIL 24TH
Called Chris today with the good news that I could return the money I borrowed. Then I said, ‘How about we go to the shops today and I’ll help you choose a pair? Maybe we could get a burger for lunch while we’re there, then—’
‘Sorry, Kelly Ann, I can’t today. I’m, erm, going to the pictures. Maybe some other time.’
‘Even better,’ I said. ‘Wasn’t really in the mood for shopping anyway. A movie’s a much better idea.’
‘I’m, um, going with a friend.’
‘Yeah, so? That’s cool.’ I laughed. ‘I don’t mind Gary or Ian coming.’
‘She’s a girl.’
‘Oh.’
I put the phone down. Don’t know why I should feel so surprised and depressed but I do somehow. Just wish my friends wouldn’t keep changing all the time and would just stay like they’ve always been. It’s annoying. And scary.
WEDNESDAY MAY 5TH
Chris’s girlfriend isn’t Linda like I’d thought, but Emily, a girl in Chris’s geography class who lives near Liz. She’s small and slim like me but has bigger boobs (doesn’t everyone!). Unlike me she’s a really girly type who wears heartshaped pink earrings, covers her jotters in shiny lilac paper and brings her Tampax to school in a special flowery silk bag that smells of lavender. I suppose she’s nice looking, but other than that I don’t know what Chris sees in her. Neither does Linda, who is rumoured to be gutted, although she’s pretending not to care. Not very successfully.
I still find the
idea of Chris having a girlfriend wrong somehow. Maybe she isn’t really a girlfriend but just a girl who he’s got friendly with.
SATURDAY MAY 8TH
Was skateboarding home from Liz’s when I spotted Chris snogging Emily on her doorstep. Surprised, I stopped and gawped at them. It just looked so weird somehow. I must have been staring at them for a while before Chris noticed me and broke away from her, embarrassed. When Emily saw me she looked annoyed and shouted over at me, ‘Hasn’t anyone ever told you it’s rude to stare?’
Felt my face flush as I hurriedly skateboarded off. Oh God, I must have looked like a pervert or something but it had just been so strange seeing Chris snog a girl like that. I always kind of thought he would be too, well, intelligent and serious to like snogging, but he must do. I mean, she hadn’t been forcing him and he hadn’t looked as though he was going to throw up exactly. No, he’d been enjoying it.
I suppose she must be his girlfriend and not just a girl who’s a friend. Still seems so wrong somehow.
FRIDAY MAY 14TH
Haven’t seen or even spoken to Chris all week. I suppose he’s too busy now he’s got Emily. They seem to be superglued to each other these days. So much for his promise always to be friends no matter what.
MONDAY MAY 17TH
Spotted Chris at break today as I was hurrying off to get my Cadbury’s Creme Egg from the newsagent’s. For once he wasn’t with Emily. She probably had to go to the toilet – the only place she can’t take him along. He saw me too and waved over to me but I pretended I hadn’t noticed and walked on.
‘Wait, Kelly Ann!’ he called.
I slowed down a bit and he caught up with me.
‘I’m in a rush, Chris. What is it?’
‘Nothing really, but yeah, I was just thinking, the thing is, I haven’t got my football boots yet. Been, um, too busy.’ He reddened. ‘So maybe we could go into town and buy them like we talked about. And, you know, go for pizza afterwards or something.’
Was tempted. It would be so nice to meet up with Chris again without his barnacle stuck to him. But no, he was probably just being polite as he seems to want to be with Emily all the time now, so I muttered a quick ‘Yeah, maybe,’ then turned to go but he caught my arm.
‘So is next Saturday OK for you? Say one o’clock?’
‘No, look, it’s OK. Emily can go with you. She seems to do everything with you these days.’
‘She doesn’t know anything about football boots – or football in fact. Besides I, er, I just want to see you. Spend time with you again. We’re still friends, aren’t we?’
I looked up at his face. Earnest and familiar. Chris was staring at me anxiously. ‘I’ve missed you, Kelly Ann.’
‘OK, next Saturday then,’ I decided.
‘Great. So, you want to come to the gym with me now? They’ve got volleyball set up.’
‘No, I gotta go now, Chris. Break’s almost done and I haven’t had my Creme Egg yet. And you know how badtempered I am when I don’t get my Creme Egg.’ I made a scary, murderous face, then did an impression of the Psycho film’s stabbing-in-the-shower scene by holding an imaginary knife up high above him and bringing it savagely down again and again while mimicking the bloodcurdling, dramatic music – ‘Hink! Hink! Hink!’
Chris clutched himself, staggered about, then sank to the ground, pretending to be the victim of my homicidal assault. We were both doubled up, laughing helplessly, when Emily crept up on us and looked at me like I was a piece of dog turd attached to her shoe. Decided it was time I went. Honestly, don’t know what Chris sees in her. Except that she’s very nice looking when not scowling like a vampire bat that’s been force-fed lemons, I can’t see what the attraction is.
SATURDAY MAY 22ND
Was really looking forward to seeing Chris today. God, it had been so long since we’d hung out together just by ourselves without his stupid girlfriend trying to snog his face off every time he opened his mouth.
But no such luck. When I met Chris at Central Station, there she was standing with him.
‘Oh, hi, Kelly Ann,’ she said, all casual friendly even though we’ve hardly spoken to each other before. ‘Just decided at the last minute I might as well tag along with you two as I’d nothing planned for this afternoon. You don’t mind, do you?’
Yeah, right. Last minute my arse. It was obvious she must have spent all morning getting ready. Her hair, normally quite frizzy like mine, had been straightened so that it was totally smooth and hung down to her shoulders like a gleaming curtain. Plus she was wearing full make-up, including foundation, three different shades of eye shadow, mascara, lipstick, lipliner and gloss.
And she was dressed like she was going to a party or something. Pink high-heeled shoes (for trailing round the shops – I ask you!), a white crop top and a very short pink skirt which sat low down on her hips so that you could see she’d a matching thong. Don’t know what Chris thinks of short skirts, high heels and thongs, since it wasn’t the sort of thing we ever discussed, but I hoped he’d be too intelligent to be impressed by them.
Really wished she wasn’t here today, but what could I say? Yeah, actually, I do mind so just push off? Or maybe, If it’s all the same to you I’d prefer to talk to my friend without someone trying to hoover his tonsils every five minutes. Instead I muttered, ‘Yeah, no worries,’ like the total coward I am.
Chris said nothing but gave me an apologetic glance when she wasn’t looking, like the total coward he is. This was going to be a long, dismal afternoon.
We went to the sports shop first. Couldn’t help noticing on the way, and in the shop, how loads of boys looked at Emily admiringly and glanced at Chris enviously. No one looked at me at all, like I was invisible or something.
Stared at myself in the shop mirror. No, definitely not invisible, but maybe it would be better if I were as I had to admit I wasn’t looking my best.
My trainers were old and grey. My jeans were frayed at the bottom, which might have looked quite stylish if most of the hem on the left leg hadn’t worked its way off, so that it trailed in a dirty rope along the floor. The slight tear on both knees which had looked fine just a couple of weeks ago had widened to two gaping holes through which my bony knees poked unattractively.
At least my striped T-shirt looked OK – except that I appeared only to have only one breast as the toilet paper I’d stuffed down my left bra cup had fallen out sometime when I wasn’t looking. Might not have been quite so noticeable if the stripes over my left breast weren’t so obviously straighter than the tissue-stuffed right one. Wished now that I’d at least worn a plain top.
Fortunately I’d my baseball cap on, so although I hadn’t washed my hair this morning – it somehow managed to be both greasy and frizzy at the same time – only the bits that stuck out the bottom could be seen.
Still, yeah, maybe I should have made more of an effort today.
When Chris tried on the football boots Emily went on about how fabulous they looked on him. I mean, for God’s sake, they’re football boots – i.e. boots to play football in – not the latest ‘must have’ fashion statement.
Chris said, ‘What do you think, Kelly Ann?’
‘Ooooh,’ I said, ‘they’re just sooo you, Chris. Totally cool. But, erm, I’m not sure about the colour. I mean, black is rather last season, don’t you think?’
‘Stop it, Kelly Ann,’ Chris said, but he was smiling. ‘What do you really think?’
I examined them seriously now. ‘Yeah, looks like a good fit.’ I felt the material. ‘Flexible but strong and water resistant too. Go for it.’
By the time we’d queued and paid I was starving but Emily wanted to look in Accessorize for a bag. I waited outside, thinking she couldn’t take more than five minutes to find something. After all, you don’t have to try on a bag to see if it fits or anything. All you really need to decide is whether you want a big bag to carry lots of stuff or a small bag to carry not very much. Then maybe pick your favourite colour.
&nb
sp; But no such luck. After fifteen minutes I was still waiting so, fed up with standing, I hunkered down on the pavement with my back leaning against the wall, which was much more comfortable until a seagull shat on my head. Fortunately most of it went on my cap, which I took off and put on the ground in front of me while I tried to wipe the bird mess off my hair and shoulder with a bit of tissue I’d surreptitiously removed from my right bra cup. At least I would be symmetrical if flat-chested again.
Had almost finished when an old lady with large thick glasses approached me and dropped a 10p into my hat. ‘Go get yourself a cup of tea, son.’ Oh my God, I really should have made more of an effort today. I was about to return the money and explain I wasn’t a homeless tramp – or a boy, come to that – but just waiting for friends, when Emily and Chris came out of the shop. Didn’t want them to know what had happened, especially not Emily, so just mumbled a quick ‘Thanks’ and stood up. Felt bad about practically stealing from an old lady, but it was only 10p after all and not nearly enough for a cup of tea anywhere. Don’t old people know about inflation?
Finally we went for pizza but Emily chattered all the way through the meal, mostly about her bag purchase (very interesting – not) so I hardly got to talk to Chris at all. Afterwards she wanted to do some more shopping and told me I was welcome to tag along. So it’s me tagging along now, is it? Well, no thanks, especially as, though her voice was all nice and friendly, her narrowed eyes made it obvious my company was about as welcome as a head-lice infestation.
Headed off home, depressed. On the way I passed a beggar, so, feeling guilty about keeping the old lady’s donation, I dropped the 10p I’d been given earlier into his outstretched torn polystyrene cup. Wish I hadn’t bothered as he slagged me off.
He said, ‘Whit’s this supposed to be fur, hen, if ye don’t mind me asking?’
Without thinking I just repeated what the old lady had said: ‘A cup of tea.’
‘A cup of tea? Aye, right. This widnae buy me a cigarette butt, never mind tea. Or the pint that I’m pure dying fur by the way. Ye widnae happen to have the price of a pint on ye by any chance?’