by Dyanne Davis
“So why did she think you hated her books?”
“I’m a deacon.”
“Oh,” Simon said, beginning to understand.“When you started reading her books, did you ever tell her that you didn’t disapprove?”
“No.”
Simon shook his head.
“I know, I just wanted to get her back to the way she used to be. She wouldn’t even fight back to defend her work. It was as if she no longer cared. Her soul and her spirit were dead and what we got was a shell. I’m sick to death of having a daughter who’s a shell.”
Janice’s mother sighed, then Janice’s father, then Simon. They all laughed.
“I was hoping that you’d done what I couldn’t.”
“I’ve tried,” Simon admitted.
“How, what did you do?”
Simon smiled. He wasn’t about to answer that question.
“Maybe that’s the problem. I think you’ve asked too nicely. I think you should demand for her to tell you that she loves you.”
“Didn’t you try commanding her?”
“Yeah, I guess I did,” her mother admitted.
“How did that turn out?” Simon said, standing. “Did she yield to your demands?” he asked with a knowing look. “Good night, I’ll see you in the morning.”
Simon started up the stairs only to be stopped by Carol’s voice.
“Are you planning on sleeping with my daughter while we’re here? Can’t you wait until we’re gone?”
Simon was amused. “How long are you staying?”
“Are you wishing now you hadn’t invited us?”
“No, but I am rethinking that whole hotel thing,” Simon said and ran up the stairs two at a time, laughing.
He pushed the door open and stood for a moment looking at Janice on the divan, pretending to be reading, pretending that she didn’t know he was in the room.
“Hey, you okay?” he asked.
She finally turned her head toward him and his heart caught in his throat. God, how he loved her.
“Why did you stay down there so long?”
Simon narrowed his eyes and stared at her. She was behaving oddly, almost as if she were jealous of the time he’d spent with her parents. But that was crazy. She was never jealous of the women who threw themselves at him.
“It would have been rude if both of us had left them alone.” He decided to change the subject. “Your mother doesn’t want me sleeping with you.” He smiled as she rolled her eyes. “What?” he asked.
“It figures. She thinks I’m a sinner bound for hell anyway.”
“I don’t think so,” Simon said, still watching her closely.
“You’re taking her side now. I thought you said I could trust you to be there for me.”
His gaze narrowed. “But honey this isn’t…” He saw the expression on her face and stopped. For some reason, this was important to her, and he wasn’t going to belittle it. He walked farther into the room, came and knelt by the divan, his arms going around her as he pulled her close.
“If you want me to be angry at your mother I will.” He felt her shift. Then her hand went into his hair and she began caressing him. He pulled back and stared so long into her eyes that she trembled. Still he stared.
“Can’t you tell me what happened with Tommy, baby?” Wrong question. She closed off, pushed him away, and walked toward the bed. He followed. He took her face in his hands and stared at her, shaking his head slowly.
“You really have no idea how much you mean to me, do you? I thought this was all an act, that you were just afraid. I thought you had to be blind not to know how I feel. Now I see it’s not an act, you really don’t know.” Simon kissed her eyelids, her nose, a butterfly soft kiss on her lips, then walked away.
“Where are you going?” Janice had to stop him. She was trembling inside. The thought of Simon walking away from her again was unbearable. She’d just been through hell and back thinking he’d abandoned her. She couldn’t go through it again.
“Your mother doesn’t want me sleeping with you. I decided to sleep in a guest room.”
“Simon, don’t leave.”
He stared at her.
“Please,” she pleaded, “don’t leave me.”
He shook his head and licked his lips. “I think maybe I should.”
“I had an abortion.”
Simon’s heart stopped; surely she wasn’t telling him that she’d aborted his child. He felt the blood drain from his face and his hand fisted at his side.
“When?” he asked.
“Twelve years ago.”
“What…?” He blinked, not understanding at first. He’d been so shocked that he hadn’t really heard the date. When he did, it was as though someone plunged a samurai sword through his body. Pregnancy was something he had thought he would share with her, something she’d never shared with another man. The pain consumed him and disappointment rose in him. Then he saw the pain in her face and hurt so much for her that he allowed his own pain to fade away.
“I know how much you wanted to share something with me that neither of us had ever shared with anyone else. I’m sorry, Simon, I wish I could give you that.”
So did he, but he wouldn’t say that to her, not now. He wrapped her in his arms, felt her quiver, heard her sob and he held her even closer. Damn Tommy Strong.
“I didn’t lie to you when I said we both called it quits. We did. It’s true that in the end I was the one who walked away from him, but I had a reason for saying he was the one who ended things.” Janice sighed, knowing that he wasn’t going to press her but that she was still about to divulge information to Simon that she had not told another living soul. It was time she told him.
“When I was eighteen I became pregnant. I told Tommy and he took off. He didn’t tell me where he was going or if he were ever coming back. I had never been so scared or felt so alone in my entire life.
“I couldn’t tell my parents. For one thing they would have been so disappointed in me. I had told them repeatedly that Tommy and I were not having sex and they believed me. And they would have forced me to have the baby. I didn’t know if I could handle that without him so I went to the bank, took money out of my account and had an abortion three days after Tommy left.
“I was awake during the entire procedure. It hurt like hell but I refused to cry. I can’t tell you all the guilt I felt. Everything went through my mind—my beliefs about taking a life, my morals, my sincere desire for a baby. My abject shame over anyone finding out that I’d slept with Tommy, that he’d left me, kept me silent. When the procedure was over so was my love for Tommy.
“He returned two days later with a ring and told me, not asked, mind you, that we would get married. I told him that he didn’t have to worry about changing his plans or mine, that I had made my own choices, that I was no longer pregnant and he could go on with his life.”
She paused and sighed again. “We had a big fight. He didn’t believe me, didn’t believe I would or could have an abortion. He said I could have done that only if I hated him and I told him that I did.” Janice stopped talking. “I didn’t lie, I did hate him.”
“I can see why you hated him. Why did he hate you?” Simon interrupted.
“He wouldn’t let it go. He said I had no right to do what I’d done, that he was the father and he had rights also. He started talking crazy, about suing me and suing the doctor, so I told him I wasn’t even sure if the baby was his. He tried to make me say I was lying. He was so angry. It was as though I had trampled on his manhood. He didn’t tell me that he would have loved the baby, that he loved me. He just kept talking about his rights. He didn’t have rights to my body; he couldn’t tell me what to do.
“He called me a selfish bitch and at that moment I knew he was right. And I didn’t mind. In fact I rather liked it. I liked it so much that I decided a bitch was what I wanted to be. And that’s what I’ve been. That’s what I’ve been to you for three years, a bitch,” Janice said softly. “You didn�
�t deserve a bitch in your life, Simon.”
“What made you tell me?” Simon asked.
“Because I do know.”
“What do you know, baby?”
“I know that I’m important to you.”
A surge of joy filled him and he began kissing her but she stopped him.
“And you’re very important to me.” She stared deeply into his eyes. “You’re very important to me, Simon.” Janice repeated. “I love you.”
Simon blinked. He couldn’t have heard right. “Say that again,” he asked softly. “I think I’m hearing things.” It felt as if he’d waited a lifetime to hear those words.
“I love you.” Janice smiled shyly, looked down, then back up into his eyes. “I love you. I’m marrying you because I love you and you’re very important to me.”
He crushed her to him and spun around with her in his arms. And then he kissed her as if it were the last time that he would taste her, holding her so tightly that he knew he should loosen his hold. “Thank you, baby.”
Now he understood what his leaving her without a word had done to her, and he knew why she’d told him tonight. She’d thought he was going to leave her again.
“I wasn’t going to leave,” he said in her ear. “I was only going to sleep in another room.”
“I didn’t want you sleeping in another room. I wanted you here with me. I wanted you to know.”
“How does it feel?”
“Scary.” she admitted. “Like I just handed you a loaded gun pointed at my heart.”
“I’m not going to hurt you, baby. I’m going to love you and I’m going to prove to you that you were right to trust me with your heart.”
He felt her tremble and a trace of doubt came into her eyes. “I’m going to prove it,” he restated. He kissed her earlobes, his hands going underneath her top to rub her beautiful brown skin.
“You’re so soft,” he moaned, desire filling him, “and you’re so sweet.” He undressed her, held her in his arms and moaned, “You’re what I’ve wanted always and when we’re done tonight you’re not going to doubt either of us.” And he began loving every inch of her, filling the tiny cervices of his heart with her love; places that had been empty his entire life. He’d waited a lifetime for her love and now he finally felt complete.
Janice gave in to the heat, the searing, burning heat. It felt as if the room was moving and she’d gotten caught in a whirlwind, and was spinning faster and faster. This was different from anything she’d ever known. He was inside her, filling her, and she was shaking, crying, knowing that this was right, knowing that she’d thought she would never experience this. She was still fearful as she realized that Simon was claiming more than her body.
He was doing as he’d always said he wanted to do. He was claiming her soul. He was claiming all of her and she knew that when they were done she could never pretend again. She felt herself falling into a void as her climax approached, something that had never happened. “Simon,” she screamed, “I’m falling.”
“Don’t worry, baby, let go. I’ll be there to catch you.”
She felt his thrust and she clung to him. “I love you,” she moaned and gave up her fight to stay afloat. She fell backwards into the abyss, trusting Simon to be there to catch her.
“Simon,” she moaned and screamed out again.
“I’m here, baby,” he said.
When she reached her destination he was there. She was in his arms and she knew she’d been branded. She belonged to him and he belonged to her. “I love you, baby,” he repeated over and over.
She felt the heat of his tears. “I know. I love you too.”
This was it. This was the culmination of a lifetime of dreams and hopes, something he’d never thought he would have. As much as he’d loved Janice, as great as their physical coupling was, it had never been like this. This was the first time in three years that she’d given him everything. She’d given him her heart and soul and he’d given her his. He felt her trembling in his arms. He didn’t blame her, he was trembling also. He stroked her hair. Maybe they would be able to break his family curse after all.
“Any regrets?” he asked.
“Only that I waited so long.”
“We can make up for lost time.”
Janice laughed. “You know, it seems like we’ve been doing an awfully of making up lately. I’m beginning to wonder if you didn’t set some of this stuff up just so we could make up.”
”If I had thought about it I would have.”
They lay together in blissful silence, both knowing that the changes that had taken place in the bed would challenge them in their daily lives.
“So what are you going to tell my mom in the morning?”
“I’ll lie.” Simon laughed. “I’ll tell her that we stayed up all night talking.”
“I wouldn’t mind staying up all night, but not to talk.” Janice’s voice had turned soft and sultry and filled with emotions. She couldn’t stop smiling. Nor could she stop Simon from looking at her the way that he was, as though she were someone very special. But it didn’t matter because she didn’t want him to.
Chapter Nineteen
The Statute of Liberty beckoned as she’d always been meant to do, a symbol of hope. Janice grinned at her mother before turning her gaze toward Simon who was a short ways off with her father, probably having a private chat, just as she was supposed to be doing.
Her mother started the conversation “This has been a good trip. I’m glad that we came and I’m glad that we got to meet Simon. We like him.”
Janice was listening and at the same time smiling at Simon. “I’m glad, Mom.”
“Something’s changed, you’re acting different.” Carol’s eyes raked over her daughter. Then she knew. “You told Simon that you loved him, didn’t you?”
This time Janice brought her eyes to her mother and continued smiling. “Yes, I told him. Why not? I do. I love him, Mom.”
Her mother grabbed her in a hug as Janice had known she would do and Janice hugged her back.
“Why has it taken you so long? What happened with Tommy?”
“Nothing I want to talk about, Mom. It’s been over for a long time.”
“I have my suspicions.”
“I know.”
“Are they correct?”
“Mom, just let it go. I don’t want to rehash old history.”
“But Simon—”
“I haven’t held anything back from him.”
“Then why won’t you tell me?”
“I don’t want to,” Janice said, amused, “and I’m not going to.”
Her mother kissed her cheek. “So you’ve got a bit of fire back in you. Now you want to fight with me.”
“You make it sound as if I was always looking for fights and that something was wrong when I didn’t.”
“That’s because it’s true. You fought in the womb and you fought from the day you came out. You used to drive me crazy. But when you stopped fighting, that drove me even crazier.” Carol looked toward Simon. “I’m glad he was able to do what I couldn’t.”
Janice studied her mother. “I hope you’re not blaming yourself for things I’ve done. I made my own choices.” She hugged her mother. “I’m thinking that she wants us to start over.” Janice pointed her finger at Lady Liberty. “And so would I.”
“You’re really not going to tell me what happened, are you?”
“No, Mom, I’m not.”
“Not even with Simon? What did that man finally say to you to get you to admit that you love him? He said he’d been trying for a long time.”
“That’s between me and Simon.”
Her mother grinned. “I bet Simon will tell me. He’s trying to make points.”
“You noticed, huh?”
“Oh yes, I noticed. So all I have to do is cozy up to him.”
Janice smiled, knowing that there was nothing on earth that would make Simon divulge the truth of her confession to her mother. In that she trust
ed him explicitly. The secret torment she’d carried for so long had felt like a boulder pressing down on her. Simon had relieved her of that.
“Simon won’t tell you a thing, Mom. I’m not worried about him.”
“What did you do, exchange a secret for a secret?”
Janice blinked, then shook her head a little and stared at the mother. “What are you talking about?”
“Everybody has skeletons in their closest. I just figured he opened his closet for you.”
Janice smiled a bit uneasily. Her mother was right, everyone did have secrets. She’d never wondered what Simon’s secret was. She’d been too busy protecting her own.
“Don’t worry about it, baby.”
“I’m not worried.”
“Of course you are. I can see your mind whirling right now, wondering what it is that Simon is hiding from you. The most important thing is that he loves you. That, the man couldn’t hide in a million years.”
Janice glanced once more toward Simon as they hugged. She wondered about Simon’s skeletons and blamed her mother for creating the question. Could her mother have done it deliberately? Most likely she’d said it because she hadn’t shared anything with her about Tommy. Regardless of the reason, Janice was determined to avoid negative thoughts.
“You know, I hate to come this far and not see Tommy.”
There it was. Janice had known it. This whole thing had something to do with Tommy.
“But Simon asked you here to get to know him, not to visit the competition.” Janice was just a bit annoyed that her mother would think of visiting Tommy. “Mom, Tommy and Simon don’t—”
“I know,” her mother laughed, interrupting her. “They don’t get along. Tell me when two men who loved the same woman have ever gotten alone.”
“Tommy doesn’t love me anymore.”
Her mother laughed and Janice looked at her, puzzled. “Are you saying that he still does?”
“Would it make a difference in how you feel about Simon?”
“Of course not,” Janice answered quickly.
“Then why did you ask?” her mother retorted.
Touché, they were back at it again. “I was just asking.”
“Don’t even think about it. It won’t do you a bit of good to wonder what if. You’re not wondering what if, are you, baby?”