by Dyanne Davis
“Mrs. Kohl.…”
“Don’t worry.” She smiled. “I know what I’m doing.”
But she didn’t. Truth be told, she had no idea what she was doing and now more than ever she wished that she did. Simon had taken their war too far and he’d pushed her farther than she cared to be pushed. Janice was truly angry now and as she saw the limo pull to a stop rage filled her. Perhaps if Simon had gotten out of the car some of her rage would have dissipated, but he didn’t. It was his chauffeur who got out, opened the door and took the bag from her. She stepped into the limo, glared at Simon and waited.
Simon smiled, though it didn’t reach his eyes. “Tonight we resume being man and wife. We will not have a marriage in name only, you can make odds on that.”
Janice moved to the other side of the limo as far from her husband as she could get, anger at him and herself making her shake. They were making a real mess of this.
”I hate you,” she hissed.
“Tell me something I don’t know,” he answered.
When they reached the mansion, Janice jumped out before either the chauffeur or Simon could open the door. She burst through the doors of the mansion and ran up the stairs as fast as a six months pregnant woman could. She ran to her room and attempted to close the door in Simon’s face but he’d taken the stairs two at a time and had his foot and hand in the door she was trying desperately to close.
“Move away from the door,” he said quietly. “I have no plans on hurting you but you’re not locking me out of my own bedroom.”
“Then I’ll sleep elsewhere,” she muttered and turned away.
Simon came in and closed the door firmly and turned to her with measured precision. “No one’s changing rooms. We’re married.” Then he sat on the divan and stared at her.
He brought her bracelet from his pocket and held it up. “Your Mr. Strong brought me this.”
Janice remained silent.
“He brought me something else. He brought me your panties, with your scent,” he whispered raggedly.
“Did the two of you have a panties sniffing contest?”
He was waiting for her to deny it, to do anything but mock him. For the first time since he’d fallen in love with her he wished he’d followed the original rules, that he had remained uninvolved, kept their relationship uncomplicated. He stared at her. Now it was too late. It was as if he’d been dealt a hand and now he had to play it out. He loved his wife and he was killing any love she’d ever had for him. But he seemed unable to stop himself.
“How many times have you slept with him?”
“I didn’t keep count.”
Pain so intense filled his chest that for a moment all he could do was close his eyes. When it passed he came to her. “Do you think this is a joke? Do you think you can stay away for two weeks screwing him and just come back and play the wounded little woman?”
“Don’t you listen to anything that I tell you? I didn’t sleep with Tommy, Simon. I haven’t slept with anyone for,” she counted, “for the last four years but you. What am I going to have to do to make you get over this? Maybe if I actually sleep with Tommy this ghost that has been riding your shoulders can vanish. Maybe then you’ll know that it’s not the end of the world.”
“It would be the end of us.”
“And you think this isn’t? Do you really think this is what a marriage is supposed to be?”
“I wasn’t the one who left home.”
“I was coming back.”
“Then why didn’t you?” He ignored the look in her eyes. “I know why you came home, because I threatened to take your lover’s store. And because you ran out of funds. Tell me something, if you’d had the money to pay the bills, would you have bought him another store?”
Janice was trying to find a way back but she was slowly losing her patience. Her husband was pushing her toward being downright bitchy and she didn’t want to go there.
She glared at him, thinking how true the saying was that there’s a thin line between love and hate. She now found herself tottering on the line. “Simon, I’m going to tell you this once more. I have never cheated on you.”
“Not even when you kissed him?”
“Why don’t you get the firing squad ready for that one? Ooh, I kissed another man. Maybe you should have that printed up in the paper.” At the look on Simon’s face she scooted back on the bed. He hated her too.
“Do you want a divorce?” he asked.
Her mouth felt suddenly dry. Oh God, she thought and moaned silently. “Simon, stop,” she said. “You’re making a mistake.”
He’d already made the mistake. He looked down at his wife, knowing that his dream was still a dream. “After the baby is born if you want to go to him you can. I’ll make sure you have all of your money; everything that I took I will give back. Just leave me with the baby and you can have whatever you want.”
Fear filled Janice’s heart and laced her voice. She couldn’t believe what Simon was purposing. She had to make him say the words. “What are you saying, Simon?”
“I’m saying that if you leave the baby with me, you can start over and I’ll make sure you’re taken care of. I won’t try and stop you from seeing the baby. You can have visiting privileges.”
“You expect me to leave my baby?”
“If you want your freedom you have no other choice.”
“You’re going to give me back all my money?” she asked, not wanting to admit how much this was killing her, “Every dime?” she asked.
“Every dime.”
“And my royalties?”
“Those too,” he said, looking at her.
“What about the advance that Davis wants back? Will you repay him?”
“You won’t have to worry about that.” Why wasn’t she saying no, that she didn’t want a divorce? Simon swallowed. “I’ll have the papers drawn up,” he started but she interrupted.
“Are you going to put in there that you’re buying the baby?”
“I’m not.…” She was glaring at him with such hatred that it froze him. “I just want to keep the baby.” He wanted to tell her that he wanted to keep a part of her, but her hatred stopped him. “That wasn’t what I said. I said I wanted custody.”
“You’re asking me to sell you a child.”
The muscle in his jaw twitched. “I asked as your husband for you to give me custody of my child.”
“And you’re willing to give me my freedom. I can buy that from you with the birth of a child.” Janice stood to face him and tried to stop the trembling but she couldn’t. It ran from the top of her body to the bottom. “The apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, does it, Simon? Once a slave master always one.” She watched as the color drained from his face and his eyes filled with pain.
“You’ve made my decision for me, Simon. I want out of this marriage and I don’t want you hurting anyone that I choose to be with. Tommy was right when he said you tried to buy him. Now you’re buying our child.”
“Janice, that wasn’t what I meant and you damn well know it.”
“Yes, it is, Simon. You’re an important and intelligent man. You’re well educated. Suppose you tell me the meaning of slavery. You won’t give me my freedom unless I sell you someone to replace me, a child.” She smirked as she saw the pain intensify on his face, distorting his features. He closed his eyes and she watched.
“I love you,” Simon said over the lump in his throat, knowing that it was too little too late. Once again Harold had been right. He should have told her he loved her the moment she was in the limo. Hell, he should never have done any of the things he’d done in the last year, including finding Tommy Strong. He bit his lip. “I do love you.”
“No, you want to possess me. You want to own me and since you can’t own me without a fight, you want a child, another possession. You’re a real bastard, Simon but I’m a bitch because I’m going to take you up on your offer.”
“Why are you making this so hard? You know that�
��s not what I meant.”
“You keep telling me that I know what you mean. I only know what I see, what I hear. You had this fixation on who I slept with, even before we got married. Why is that so damn important to you? It’s my body, Simon. You don’t own it or me.”
Janice was angry now and saying things just to hurt him. She’d not expected him to ask for a divorce and the thought of leaving him was killing her. She glared at him. “I think I’ve figured it out: The slave master doesn’t want his property sleeping with the other slaves. That has to be the reason you’re so damn worried about me sleeping with Tommy.”
She watched as he blanched even more. Janice opened her mouth to spew out more vile things and stopped as she looked at Simon. Her words had hit his heart. His pain became so palpable she could feel it. She’d gone too far. “I’m sorry, Simon, I didn’t mean that,” Janice said, wishing she could pull the ugly words back, wishing her plan had worked. It had only made things worse.
“Yes, you did,” he said sadly. “Yes, you did.”
“I didn’t. I was just trying to hurt you. I don’t hold your family’s past against you. I don’t think of you that way. Please listen,” she said softly, not wanting it to end this way, not with all of the vileness between them.
“Simon, I just wanted to hurt you and I knew that would. Hurting you is an old habit with me. You hurt me and I struck back. I want to stop the need to see you in pain. It’s killing you and it’s killing me. Maybe I do need to leave,” she said, crying and not bothering to wipe away the tears.
She knew he hadn’t heard her but her baby kicked in her belly and she rubbed it, comforting her unborn child.
“I’m tired of fighting,” Simon said softly. “It’s not doing the baby any good and it’s not helping us. You’re pregnant, you don’t need this.” He sighed and took a deep breath. “I never started out to hurt you.” He stopped speaking and stared at her for a moment, then smiled, a sad little smile.
“That’s a lie, isn’t it; I did want to hurt you. I wanted to force you to love me. You’re right. I am what I am. Don’t worry,” he said, and walked toward the door. “How could I expect you to truly love me with my past between us?”
“But I do love you, Simon,” she said without hesitating. “I do love you. As much as I hate you right now, I still love you.”
“Then why would you agree to divorce me? You could have said no,” he said, preparing to leave the room.
“Simon, I didn’t sleep with Tommy.” Janice wanted to try at least once more to make her husband look past his doubts.
“After everything that’s happened do you expect me to believe that?”
“Believe what you want to. When have I had the time to have an affair with anyone? Simon, with the exception of the time I spent at the hotel I’ve been swamped with work. I stayed locked up here for over a month getting that damn book done and then we went to Italy. Please tell me when I slept with Tommy or anyone else other than you? Can’t we please stop fighting about this?”
Simon looked down at her, a great sadness filling his chest. “I agree we shouldn’t keep fighting, but I can’t get the picture of you making love with him out of my mind.”
“The picture should have never been there to begin with. It never happened.” Janice fell silent. “Maybe your wanting a divorce is the right thing,” she whispered and closed her eyes, hoping God would give her the inspiration to know what it would take in order for her husband to let go of his delusions.
* * *
Simon stared down at his sleeping wife. Her hair was wild and loose and covering her pillow. He couldn’t stop himself from wanting to touch her. His eyes dropped to her rounded belly. He’d screwed everything up, he thought as he allowed his hand to touch her. He ran the tips of his fingers around the outline of her belly., felt the baby kick inside her, and his resolve vanished. He pulled his sleeping wife into his arms and pressed his body against her, holding her close to him. He shook with his emotions and tears ran down his cheeks.
“Simon.”
“Shh, just let me hold you,” he whispered. “I just need to hold you.”
Janice was awake now. She started to move, to not give him the comfort that he sought but she hesitated a second and she felt the heat of his tears as they spilled on her shoulders.
They’d spent so much time hurting each other. Her throat closed up with her own pain and tears seeped beneath her lashes. Instead of pushing her husband away, she lay where she was, trembling in his arms, feeling his pain with every fiber of her being.
It swirled around and through her and she recognized it. For the first time in over twelve years, Janice became Mary Jo Adams again in spirit. She allowed herself to go back to the day that she’d changed her life. If she had not made a decision to have an abortion twelve years before, Tommy wouldn’t have hated her, she wouldn’t have hated him. And there would have been no need for Simon to root around in her past. He would not have worried about her carrying a torch for an old flame. The secret she’d kept buried for so long was part of the reason she couldn’t convince her husband that she loved him. If she had not worked so hard to keep Tommy buried, Simon would not have worked so hard to find him. If he had not thought she loved Tommy he could believe she loved him. Her hidden secret was in part responsible for the shambles her marriage was in. She and Simon had made a mess of loving each other.
She cried in her husband’s arms as she hadn’t allowed herself to cry then. She cried over the pain of the procedure. And she cried over what she knew in her soul had been so very wrong for her. She cried for Tommy, admitting for the first time that he had a right to his anger. She’d cheated him out of his right to have a say. At last with this baby kicking in her belly, she cried for the baby whom she’d aborted, only it was years too late and there wasn’t a damn thing she could do about it.
But she could do something about Simon. She was determined to find a way to make him believe, to erase the damage their years of fighting had done. She loved her husband and their baby and there was no way on earth she was giving either of them up. Maybe it would take Simon believing the worst thing he feared had happened to make him see that she and he were not his parents, they could be happy. It had taken a lifetime to understand that she didn’t have to continue reliving her pain. Now she had to find a way to make her husband join her.
She didn’t know how long she lay in her husband’s arms sobbing, only that when she woke the next morning she no longer hated her husband. She felt cleansed, as though a great weight had been lifted off her shoulder.
“I don’t want to fight any more, Simon,” she said into the quietness, knowing he was still awake.
“Neither do I.”
“You know, they say babies can feel the emotions of their parents and they react to it. I want our baby to hear something other than the two of us snipping at each other. We still have to take the Lamaze classes and I’d rather we not fight while we’re taking them.” She was holding out an olive branch and praying her husband would take it.
He looked down, not answering.
“Simon.”
“Are you sure you want me with you?”
“I need you with me.”
His eyes met her. “If you need me I’ll be there. I’ll always be there when you need me even if—”
Seeing doubt cloud Simon’s eyes, Janice’s hand moved across her belly as she attempted to soothe the movements of her baby. “Simon, if I told you this was Tommy’s baby, would it make you feel better? Should I tell you that I have been carrying on an affair with him since the moment you forced him back into my life?” She pulled away from him and stared at her husband as the sadness of what they’d done to each other filled her anew.
“I love you, baby. I also know love isn’t always enough and I wish that it was. I know I’ve made a mess of our lives and we have nothing left. I had such hope for us, for the family we’d have together.” Simon sighed, and shook his head. “I wish I didn’t know about my fami
ly. Maybe then it would be easier. But I do love you.”
Janice remained silent. For weeks she would have given anything just to hear her husband tell her that he loved her. But this seemed to be love based on some unfounded guilt. That she didn’t want.
“I don’t want you loving me because you want to make up for what your ancestors did. I’ve told you honestly that there is no need. I was being a bitch when I used that against you. But I can’t be the salve that soothes your conscience.”
“So you’re going to go to Tommy after you have the baby?”
Janice sighed again before deciding to answer. “How did you ever get so far in business without listening?” Then she went down to her office to write. It would never be published but the writing was cathartic.
* * *
For the next few months Janice and Simon called a sort of truce. Together they went to the Lamaze classes and Simon was with her for all doctor visits. They even shopped together for the baby. On several occasions they found themselves having fun until one of them would stare at the other and an invisible veil would fall. But in bed together, when the lights were out, they behaved as man and wife, making love as they lay next to each other. Whether out of need or out of love they didn’t know.
Janice woke and lay on her side of the bed for awhile with her back to Simon. She could feel his eyes boring a hole in her back. She faced him, thinking he would at least speak but he didn’t. He just continued to stare until she could take it no longer. He’d been staring at her for twenty minutes, not speaking, just staring, and it was driving her crazy. “Simon, why are you staring at me?” Janice finally asked. “Is there something on your mind?”
“I want to ask you something. And I was hoping I could ask without your biting my head off.”
She’d have to admit that this was progress. “Sure, go ahead and ask me. I promise I won’t bite your head off.”
“When you met me, what were you looking for? What was missing from your life?”
“I was looking for a needle.”
“Come again?”
“I was looking for a needle in a haystack.”