by L. E. Harner
The bitterness of his own words shamed him. He looked at Uriah and Diane, and his throat tightened. He didn’t want to talk about this, didn’t want to tell them. These two were good people, who deserved their chance at happiness. They were blaming themselves for the act of a man either too selfish or too weak to face the consequences of his actions. They needed to know that there were some things in life beyond forgiveness, and that the two of them weren’t anywhere close to crossing that line. The line he’d already crossed. He was very aware of the age difference between them. What was Diane? Twenty-seven? That made Uriah twenty-three…At thirty-six, Gabe felt ancient. Too old, too scarred by life to let them get mixed up with someone like him. Someone beyond redemption. A shudder rocked through him and he forced himself to tell the rest, to put himself beyond forgiveness.
“Kirk wasn’t conscious when he was brought in. My job was to stabilize him and get him up to surgery, if needed. In his case, it was definitely needed. His leg had been smashed from the knee down. My main priority was to get him typed and crossed because he needed the surgeons. While we were working at stabilizing him, he crashed. His heart just stopped beating. I pushed everyone back, called the code blue. I worked on the kid for thirty minutes before my nurse went and got the supervising ER physician to call time of death. They had to pull me from Kirk’s body. And when they did, they smelled the alcohol.” He hurried on, anxious to get to the end, anxious to get to his backpack.
“I was suspended, of course. Pending the outcome of the investigation, but we all knew it was a formality. My career was effectively over. At the hearing, the autopsy report revealed a complicating genetic condition that I couldn’t have known about. I was found not guilty of contributing to his death, but still faced a six-month suspension and public censure. Nothing changed the facts for me. Kirk was dead. A young man just beginning his life and he deserved a better chance to survive. It was his bad luck that he got me as his doctor.”
“You can’t know—“ Diane began.
“I do know—I do know that I broke my oath to do no harm,” Gabe shouted. His words bounced off the cavern walls.
Uriah squeezed Diane’s hand and kept his dark gaze pinned on Gabe. “Just tell us the rest. You know our secrets, why not tell us the rest of yours? You’re obviously still a doctor…” Uriah trailed off.
Gabe nodded, then looked off toward the Colorado River before he began to speak. “Kirk’s father confronted me at the medical board hearing. He accused me of killing his son. That spilled over into a civil trial. Eventually, I was cleared of the wrongful death charges. But not before it got out that this wasn’t the first time I’d had a drink or two on duty. Likely never enough to be legally considered too impaired to operate a vehicle, but most definitely in violation of every written and unwritten rule for physicians. The hospital fired me. My partners kicked me out of our practice. I lost my license. Everything I’d worked for.” He blew out a long breath.
"I did a lot of public service and a lot of groveling, but eventually my license was reinstated. Then I realized there wasn’t really any point. No one wanted to insure a doctor who was a drunk, and without insurance, you can’t practice medicine. One night my good friend Marcus called and needed a favor. He and his partner Max are the guys in one of the threesomes I mentioned the other night. They own After Hours, a private BDSM club in Phoenix. One of the Doms had gotten carried away and hurt his submissive before the staff could intervene. I was at the club most nights anyway, so it was a natural to ask for my help.”
“Wait,” Uriah interrupted. “Are you…have you… Holy shit.”
“Am I a Dom?” The somewhat breathy tone of the question brushed against his dick and nearly derailed his confession, but he knew he needed to finish now that he’d started. “No, not really,” he answered truthfully, but didn’t expound.
“Anyway,” he said with a sigh, “the injury at the club wasn’t serious, but it was painful. I treated his welts, prescribed some painkillers, and recommended an appropriate therapist for the Dom. It was all kept quiet. Marcus and Max were happy with the resolution, and eventually, I became the official doctor on staff at the club. I started working for Michael Enwright’s security company, occasionally patching up some of his employees when the injuries might be a little awkward to explain.
“I’ve put my life back together, piece by piece. I practice part time, I work at the club as needed. I spend a lot of time just trying to stay low key. I quit drinking. Seven times now.” His laugh was bitter.
“You know what they say, it’s not the quitting that’s hard, it’s the staying quit. It’s why I took the summer gig up here at the canyon. I figured I could eliminate stress as a reason for drinking. On the nights that I’m off duty, I spend a good deal of the time halfway to drunk and planning how I’m going to get sober. Every time Marcus calls to check up on me, I lie. I tell him it’s going great. Told myself this trip to the backcountry was my last chance to prove I’m not a drunk.”
“But you brought the alcohol with you,” Uriah said softly. “Do you have any more?”
The sharp jerk of his head told the others what he didn’t want to admit. What he couldn’t admit.
Uriah stood, and pulled Diane to her feet. Together they moved close to him, and as one, reached down to pull him upright. Gabe stood, but couldn’t bring himself to meet their eyes, to see his own disappointment mirrored in theirs.
“Let’s unpack it, Gabe. We’ll pour it out. Do it now, while we’re here to help.”
He slowly raised his gaze to look into the deep, black of the other man’s eyes. Diane’s soft hand rubbed gently down his forearm and then gripped his hand.
“Come on, Gabe. I’m an expert at staying quit. We’ll do it together,” Diane said.
Uriah looked around their small shelter and when he spotted the heavy backpack, he walked to it. As if from a long way off, Gabe watched as Uriah removed the supplies, the clothes, the first aid kit. Everything he’d so carefully packed and weighed out so that he could be sure to have enough room for those little bottles secreted in the bottom of his pack.
When the bottles were all lined up, like little soldiers waiting to do battle with his conscience, Uriah started to open one, clearly intent on pouring the contents into the dirt. Diane stilled him with a gesture, so that the bottle was poised in midair.
Gabe wanted to argue that they should wait, that they should keep it, in case the other two wanted a drink. He wanted to point out that alcohol could be used as an antiseptic in an emergency. He wanted to beg to have one last taste. And then he knew. Knew without a shadow of a doubt. He flashed a look at Diane and found her gaze steady and sure. As if she’d been waiting.
“My name is Diane,” she said. “And I‘m a drug addict.”
He nodded, cleared his throat. “My name is Gabe and I’m an alcoholic.”
Chapter Nine
The flow of the Colorado River was controlled by the Glen Canyon Dam, which fed the lower river from outlets at the deepest part of the man-made lake. As a result, the river temperature remained cold year-round despite the stifling heat of the inner canyon in the summer. The pool that Diane was using to bathe in had been part of a naturally occurring diversion for a small stream of water. With very little effort, they’d scooped out more of the sand and surrounded the sun-warmed pool with smooth river rocks.
Diane pushed the hair back from her face and blinked to clear her eyes. She smiled as she scrubbed away the heat and grime of the day and wondered how much a sand exfoliating treatment would cost at a spa. All she’d had to do was hike forty miles and…the smile slipped from her face. All she’d had to do was say goodbye to a man who had been a friend when she’d desperately needed one, even if he hadn’t been a very good husband.
They’d gotten up at sunrise and backtracked along the trail to ensure they’d be out of range, just in case the shooting was more than a one-time event. Once they were as sure as they could be that they were safe, they stopped along the ri
ver to scatter Pete’s ashes and share memories. There were a few good times and family stories, but not nearly as many as there should have been. Uriah had admitted he and Pete hadn’t been close, their father had seen to that, by effectively choosing one son and letting the other flounder. He’d mentioned more than once today that he would miss the opportunity to get to know his brother rather than missing Pete, the man. There was no great sense that she’d lost the love of her life. Her relationship with Pete had been about surviving. He’d given her the support she’d needed to leave the rehab facility, and she’d given him the cover he'd needed to avoid his father’s harsh judgment. A depressing epitaph.
At least the shared ritual and daylong reflections loosened the tightness in her chest at the terrible way he’d died. In the way that death followed life, so too, did the need to reaffirm life after an unexpected death. She was alive, and it was time to emerge from her self-imposed isolation. For eleven years her actions had been distorted by substance abuse or tempered by the lies she and Pete had lived. Now her pulse quickened with the need to celebrate life. She looked around their campsite and realized exactly what she wanted.
Gabe stood a little distance from their small camp stove, waiting for the water to boil to add to the dehydrated food packets. Uriah stood with his back to her, not out of some misplaced modesty, but so he could scan the surrounding cliffs for any sign of their gunman. It had been twenty-four hours without any sign of trouble. The canyon was a vast wilderness that they shared with soaring condors and mountain goats, and the creepy-crawlie scorpions that she pretended weren’t there.
“You about done in there, princess?” Uriah asked. He no longer had his back to her, but was eyeing her with apparent interest. He was wearing nothing but a pair of shorts, and stood with his arms crossed, which made all his muscles bunch and from this angle he looked massive. His black hair was pulled back into a tail, his chiseled features looked strong in the shadows. His skin glowed a dark bronze in the waning light. She was more aware than she’d ever been of his Native American heritage.
The saliva in her mouth pooled as she shifted her gaze and came eye-to-crotch with visible evidence of his interest in her. She forcing herself to look back up, she met his broad grin and she had to smile back.
“See something you like, Dee?” he asked. She loved that he’d adopted Gabe’s nickname for her. It was as if they were starting new, no longer bound by their mutual histories.
Tomorrow, Uriah would spend the morning scouting the surrounding cliff tops for signs of their tormentor from the previous day, but since there’d been no further attack, they all wanted to believe it was random. Providing it was all clear, they would spend one last night at their site, this time under the full moon. Then they’d hike out and—
Her mind stalled at thinking about what would come next. She blinked rapidly. She wasn’t ready for that step, yet. She couldn’t think about returning to the rim, about going home. About saying goodbye to Gabe. She knew it was too soon to be thinking about love, about forever, but there was a small voice that insistently whispered two small words, a mantra in her mind. What if…what if…what if…
As if following her thoughts, Uriah half turned away and watched as Gabe moved around their camp. Deep evening shadows obscured his features now that the sun had crossed over the tops of the steep canyon walls. Dusk descended early at the bottom of the canyon. The three of them were functioning like a family. Gabe prepared their evening meal. Uriah served as the protector. Both of them caring for her. Something about the moment made an idea click into place for Diane.
Feeling free from the smothering emotions of the last week, free from conventions, Diane indulged her temptation to stir things up. With a broad swipe of her hand across the top of the water, she showered Uriah in a cool splash.
"Whooo," Uriah yelled, then sucked in a sharp breath. “Why you little—” Then he was on her, rolling her under in the shallow pool. He pinned her with his big body and with a cupped hand, splashed the water repeatedly until she was laughing and sputtering.
“Okay, uncle, I call uncle. Gabe! Help me…”
Gabe’s amusement carried over to them and they could hear the smile in his words. “Sorry, Dee. You’re on your own.”
Without further invitation, Uriah wrapped his hand behind her head and threaded his fingers in her wet hair. Slowly, he lowered his mouth to hers. The kiss was hot and full of promises. Maybe he was also in search of those same new beginnings. When he finally pulled back, Diane stopped him with a nip at his full lower lip. The she released him with a quick lick.
“What do you want to do?” she whispered, assuming Uriah was on the same wavelength. As one, they both looked over at Gabe. He had turned his back, and his shoulders looked a little hunched. It was as if he was steeling himself against seeing or hearing any happiness between her and Uriah.
Uriah leaned in for another quick kiss. Barely lifting his mouth from hers, he whispered his answer. “You know I want you, but I want him, too, Dee. Are you okay with that?”
Suddenly unsure, Diane wondered where she fit in the situation. “Have you ever been with another man? I mean I always knew Pete was gay. I’m not sure I’m going to enjoy being left behind—” She broke off when his lips crushed hers. This time he was the one biting her lip when he pulled back.
“Sweetheart, I said I want him, too. As in also. As in with you. You already know I love you. You heard us talking last night. I loved you first…I always have. It nearly killed me when you wanted Pete—shh, don’t say anything. I understand it, now. I was too young, in any case, too confused. I’m not gay, not straight.” He pumped his hips and rubbed his hard cock against her. “I want you both. I know that’s supposed to be wrong, but it’s how I feel.”
She swallowed hard. Jesus, talk about a fantasy come true. “I’m very okay with that, Uriah. Now, how do we get Gabe to understand?”
“Leave that to me,” he said. He gave her one more kiss, then quick as a cat, he hopped up and began to stalk across the sand.
****
Gabe kept his back to Diane and Uriah, and tried to force his mind away from imagining what they were doing down there, splashing around in the water. He had to admit it made him smile, despite the impending loneliness. The last thing he wanted was to be jealous of the chance they were about take. Realizing that it didn’t sound as if his friends were going to be ready for dinner anytime soon, he moved the water off the propane burner. Gabe took his time straightening their supplies, shuffling the packaged dinners, making a production over organizing the food packets. When Diane and Uriah grew quiet, Gabe closed his eyes and started to recite the names of all two hundred and six bones in the human body. Alphabetically. In Latin.
The loss of the alcohol was both a relief and an agony and Gabe was working very hard at maintaining his composure. The other couple would have been easier to take if he could’ve found himself some shade and had one of his small bottles to drink. He frowned at that thought. Dee had been in a bad way with her drugs, a physical as well as psychological dependency. He knew there was no physical addiction on his part, but goddamn if that knowledge made the psychological withdrawals any easier.
Full of good intentions prior to the trip, Gabe had packed a battered copy of the twelve-step handbook he’d picked up at a stray AA meeting he’d tried once. He didn’t think the program was for him, but when Diane had recited the familiar words, he’d felt recognition deep inside. A kinship with someone who he realized did know what he was fighting, even if her demons were different.
Deciding now was as good a time as any, Gabe turned toward the backpacks, in search of the pamphlet. Without warning, he was grabbed from behind by a big, beefy, and very wet Uriah. Then he was tossed over the other man’s shoulders like a sack of potatoes.
Uriah ignored all of his grunted protests and trotted, apparently with maximum bounce, back to the pool of water and the waiting Diane. Then, amidst a giant splash of water, Gabe was on his back, looking up
at a very naked Diane and a grinning Uriah.
He might have been feeling a bit sorry for himself only a minute earlier, but he got the message clear enough. He was invited to the play. He had to make an instantaneous choice…accept the offer as it was given, spontaneous, fun, and all about now. Or he could tell them the truth. He thought making the wrong choice might be a matter of life or death. His life or death.
He smiled up at Uriah, whose happy expression had started to slide a bit when Gabe hadn’t laughed and pulled him down into the water.
Almost as one, Dee and Uriah knelt on either side of him.
“Sorry, you two…didn’t mean to spoil—” he started to say before Uriah cut him off.
“Shut up, Doc. Just listen this time. Diane and me talked about things. This is strange as hell for most people, but we want to give it a try. A threesome, I mean. You already know how we feel about each other, but you also know we haven’t built any kind of relationship out of it. We’re willing to give it a try, but we want to try with you, too.”
“What does that mean? More watching?” He wished he could take back the bitterness in his voice.
“Gabe,” Diane said, and she reached to touch his arm. “We want to be with you. The three of us together. None of us can see into the future and you can’t expect to figure everything from one encounter. If you want something, you have to work for it. It’s a lesson I’ve had to learn, too. Happy doesn’t come in a bottle…numbness does. You want to feel, then you have to take a chance. We’re willing to risk sharing our hearts with each other and with you. Will you take a chance with us? At least for the next few days? Then we can figure it out from there. We know your friends have done it. I mean have a long-term threesome. Like the motto says, let’s just take it one day at a time. Okay?”
Feeling a little shell shocked mixed in with a heaping dose of hopeful, Gabe nodded, then risked a look at Uriah. The big man was keeping his face impassive. “Uriah? Is that what you want? I need to know if you want to be with a man? With me? Or were you thinking to keep Diane in the center, with you and me separate?”