by S. E. Lund
"What plans? Tell me, oh Genghis Kahn, what your plans for total dominion over me were?"
He cracks a grin, but then becomes serious.
"Oh, Eve…" he says and rolls onto his back, rubbing his eyes. "I fucked up."
"You regret this?" I say, a feeling of numbness spreading through me. What – is he going to take it back now? "It's not a really good thing to tell a woman you just fucked that you regret fucking her."
He sits up and then removes his coat and lies on his side, leaning over me, resting on one elbow, his gaze moving over my naked body and I remember what Julien wrote about vampire stamina.
"Regret isn't the word. I'm angry with myself for being so weak. I shouldn't have come in, but I had to see you. After Helena, after meeting with Soren I felt so," he shakes his head. "Afraid for you when Soren saw you, knew you were back in play. I didn't intend to fuck you, and certainly not like this, but you were so …" he says, and hesitates as if searching for words. "You were so there how could I not? It was like the laws of the universe would be violated if I hadn't."
"Spacetime itself would be disrupted?" I say and smile, but I'm still not sure where this is going and whether I'm going to be sad or happy when he finally explains. "What's so terrible about what happened?"
He rolls over on his stomach and rests on his elbows, his fingers laced together, his gold crucifix dangling. He looks over at me, and I'm just lying there, naked as the day I was born, but I don't move to cover up. He's seen right into my mind and heart. What's my nakedness in comparison?
"It shouldn't have happened until I knew if we can work. If you can submit."
Oh, that word again.
"Submit," I say, a bit hesitant. "It sounds like 'submissive' and I don't know if I like it."
"But you do." He taps his temple. "I know. You find it hard to admit because of your modern sensibility and education, but it appeals to you at a very deep level. I can't see where this need comes from for it's blocked to me, but something made you need submission. You want responsibility for your desire taken from you and given to someone else so that you are free to feel whatever you feel without censure."
He's right. I think too much. It gets in the way of me feeling.
"A relationship of Dominance and submission is pure trust. It's the deepest trust in another, to trust them with your body and your life. You and I," he says and reaches out to touch me. "We can kill each other. We can protect each other. That's why I'm so torn. I feel guilt about it because this is going to be very dangerous, and I hate that I'm putting you in danger, but from the moment I saw you in the office that first night, I wanted you."
"To submit?"
"To be my Adept. My submissive," he says, "and my protector."
I frown. The submissive part I understand perfectly clearly. "Your protector?"
"You can kill vampires. Who better to protect me?"
I lie there for a moment, absorbing this revelation.
"I thought we'd work cases together."
"We will. But this is a military operation, Eve, not a police action. We're preparing to fight a war. I need you to be my protector because you can kill vampires and that's who I'll be fighting."
"Tell me about the war."
He shakes his head. "I can't tell you more, Eve, or risk putting you in more danger. Please trust me on this."
I inhale. Trust.
"So you need to know if we can form this bond of trust? How will you know?"
"Only when you're able to be completely obedient to me. To completely trust me with your life. Not ask questions, not doubt my commands. Then, I can trust you with my life."
Trust me with his life? That does something to me, making me swell with emotion.
"Only then would sex between us not complicate the bond. Sex too early and it's harder to establish. If we were just a normal couple, then it would be different, but we’re not."
"The bond?"
"You have to trust me before you submit sexually, Eve. Then, you'll be free to truly experience pleasure. Trust is the most important part of the relationship between a Master and slave, Dominant and submissive if you want to use BDSM terms."
I sit up and pull a sheet around me.
"Master and slave?" I frown, and a sense of unease goes through me. "I don't like those terms. They go against my grain."
"Words don't matter. It doesn't matter if I call you my submissive, my slave or my subordinate. This isn't some part-time sex game people play for kinks. This is life and death. All those terms refer to is the direction of power," he says. "In a military relationship, as your superior, I make the decisions about what we do and when and how. As my subordinate, you're responsible for carrying out my commands exactly as I specify. It's essential when we're on missions for you to obey me without hesitation, without thought. I have to know you'll do what I command at all times. There can be only one leader."
"Why not partners?"
"Because partners can argue over decisions, each one pushing their own agenda, and in that space of time, people will die. I've seen it happen."
"So you want me to be your slave?"
"Names are just words," he says. "But what happens between us will be beyond the games people play, the lifestyle, where they do it because it turns them on or gives them sexual pleasure. This doesn't only mean tying you up and making you call me Master," he says, his voice a bit breathless.
"I don't know if I want that," I say, and I know I'm not being honest. It is like a siren call to me that I don't want to admit but I've hidden things and lied to myself for so long I don't know what I feel anymore.
"Eve, you forget I can read you," he says and rolls over closer to me, his finger touching my bottom lip. "I know it appeals to some deep part of you. You're attracted to it, despite your personal values. You don't have to be embarrassed about it."
"Of course I do. I'm a feminist. I need therapy for wanting it."
"For some people, submission is therapy. Dominance is therapy. It has nothing to do with your value as a human. It's about what position in a relationship brings you pleasure and happiness."
"This is what you want?"
"This is what you need."
"I need to submit? It's not like I fought you."
"Not fighting and submission are two different things. You won't let yourself really go until you submit fully and completely, of your own free will. You have to choose it."
I don't know what he means but then, some part of me knows exactly what he means.
"What do you want? Do you want it?"
"Yes," he says, breathless.
"Why?"
He says nothing for a moment. "I have my own reasons."
I remember the manuscript and how Marguerite tortured Michel. How she led him around on a leash like he was some slave.
"If we form this bond," Michel says, running his finger along my arm. "You could explore anything with me and know I'd never do more than you want. I'd always know how much you can handle. There'd be no need for safe words with us."
And that just does something to me and I have to close my eyes for a moment and breathe deeply. To have someone know exactly what you need and how far to go… He leans over and kisses my shoulder.
When I open my eyes, he's serious again.
"Eve, you and I? As Dominant and submissive? It's not just a kink. We do it to stay alive." He looks at me with those so-intense eyes. "You turn over your will to me. The mission is first, and our own will exists only to complete the mission. I am the leader and you're my right hand."
"So having sex first does what?"
"It complicates things. Lovers often put their own needs and that of their lover first over the mission. There can't be that kind of dynamic or one of us – or both – could die."
I stare at the ceiling. "Why not two people who are committed to the mission? Working together?"
"Because of how power works," he says. "It's a zero sum game. It's based on making decisions and being able to
react to conditions on the ground. Only one person can do that." He leans over me, his eyes so intense. "This is war. A war for dominion. Who will win? Humans or vampires? If humans are to win, those of us who fight for you must be in perfect unison. We must be committed completely to winning. You think vampires are very strong, and we are, but we're also vulnerable in daylight and rely on humans to protect us."
"You have guards," I say. "Why not use them?"
"Where we'll go, I can't always take guards with me. But I can take my pet."
"I'd be your pet?"
"That's how you'd be seen."
I inhale and consider.
"Do all vampires have pets?"
"All of those with power do. Some have a harem."
"Not you," I can't stop myself from saying it out loud.
He laughs. "No, not me, Eve. I am a priest. Harems really aren't our thing."
"You keep saying you're a priest, but you're not really. Otherwise you just broke your vows."
"I'm a priest here," he says, and points to his heart. "No matter what."
"So do you have sex and just feel guilty?"
"Yes." He cracks a lopsided grin. "Intensely. I do penance."
"Hair shirt?" I say, smiling. "Flogger?"
"Sore knees from praying."
I reach out and stroke his cheek.
"Poor Michel." And I mean it. I can't understand this devotion to the Church, but it's just part of him. "So you wanted to wait until you'd established that bond with me before having sex."
"Exactly. Then you had to put that perfume in the water. I could smell it on the street, and it smells of you. I had to come in…"
"And you really think you wouldn't have fucked me if I'd been dressed and sitting on the sofa reading a book? You looked," I say and hesitate. "Desperate. Like you're worried something is going to happen to me."
"I needed to see you, talk to you, see you smile and it would make me feel better."
"Do you?" I smile, flashing my dimples at him. "Feel better?"
"Much much better," he says and kisses my shoulder and even that makes me feel warm inside, makes my body respond. He touches my face.
"Eve," he says. "Not that I think we can put the genie back in the bottle, but I have to be sure. Will you commit to become my submissive? That you'll turn your will over to me the way I need you to?"
"I can try," I say, frowning, not sure if I can when he puts it that way.
"Like Yoda said, there is no try. There is only do or do not."
I shake my head. "I can't believe a vampire watched Star Wars and can quote Yoda."
"Eternity's very long. Cable television helps." He grins that grin I love so much and I can't help but smile back, my heart swelling, and I reach out to touch his face.
Then he's serious again, the grin gone, his blue eyes intense once more.
"Eve, with us, it's all in or all out. I'll be your mind and you'll be my heart. There is no other option. Not if you enter our world. Humans are never equals with vampires. You're always our servants."
I watch him for a moment, staring at his beautiful face, remembering his touch, thinking of his history, and I know what my decision is.
"All in, then."
He leans over me and kisses me softly, tenderly. I run my hands up his back under his sweater and over his shoulder. My body's ready again and I want it long and slow.
"Oh, Eve…"
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
"A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge."
Thomas Carlyle
Michel rolls on top of me, his body between my thighs and I wrap my legs around his waist. He kisses me with complete focus, his mouth on mine, his tongue on mine, and just kissing him builds my desire. I feel his lust as well as my own and it's more than I've ever felt before. I run my hands along his back under his sweater, and his skin is so smooth, his muscles so firm beneath my touch.
He rises up and kneels between my legs and I love the look of pure lust on his beautiful face. He removes his sweater, and then his pants and socks, his erection thick and beautiful now that I see it. He takes his belt and makes me sit up, fastening my hands together with it.
"Is that necessary?" I say, moving my wrists, a bit breathless, my body already aching with desire, wondering what he'll make me do.
"It is for you," he says and kisses my shoulder. "Listen to your body, Eve. Turn off you mind."
I try, but my mind is just a busybody and is always judging everything to see if it fits with what I think is right, despite what my body says. He pulls me to the edge, standing in front of me, completely naked, his erection jutting out.
"Suck me."
I glance up at him and his eyes are half closed, and it makes me even more aroused to see his arousal. I reach up with my hands but he shakes his head.
"Just your mouth."
I let my hands drop and nuzzle him, my face against his groin, kissing all around him. I lick along his length, from base to the tip, tonguing the slit to taste him and he tastes of seawater. I take him in my mouth and he inhales and closes his eyes, his breathing fast. I can feel his arousal, feel my mouth move over him and it feels so good, I can't believe it. It feels like I do when he licks me, when his mouth is on me, so sweet, so good it's almost painful.
"Slowly," he says, his voice shaky, and he's so aroused, his orgasm so close. I slow my motions on him, tonguing the head, running my lips all along his length, the skin so soft, so tender, so responsive.
"Stop," he whispers, taking my face in his hands and tilting my head up. "I'm just so close." The thought he's so ready just makes my muscles all clench and my cheeks heat and I don't want to stop, for I want to watch him come while I suck him.
But I do what he says. Then he turns me around so that I'm face down on the bed, my ass in the air, my arms supporting my weight, my hands confined. I am so aroused, I can hardly breathe. He cinches the belt just tight enough so that the leather bites into my skin, not hard enough to bruise, but hard enough to remind me my hands are restrained, and the fact seems to release me in some way.
Then he spreads my thighs with a knee and leans over me, kissing my shoulders once more, my throat and my neck, lingering over my vein, his desire to bite me so strong, but he fights it, loving the sense of denial he feels. I feel as if my head will explode because he could just bite me now and there is nothing I could do. Being helpless like this just makes everything feel more intense. I'm a little scared, breathless, my heart pounding.
He reaches beneath me and squeezes my breasts, pinching my nipples gently until they're hard points and I'm gasping as little jolts of pleasure go right to my clit. His erection presses against my sex, sliding between my legs, and I press back, hungry for the sensation.
"No," he says, and holds my hips still. "Don't move unless I tell you to. And if you feel like you're going to come, you have to tell me. You're not allowed to come until I give you permission. I'm the one who decides when you're ready. Do you understand?"
"Can't you just tell when I'm ready?"
"I want you to tell me. Do you understand?"
"Yes," I say but I really don't understand. It seems arbitrary. The purpose of sex is to feel pleasure and to have orgasms.
"Just obey, Eve," he says into my ear, his lips brushing my lobe, biting it gently. "You'll understand why soon enough."
I nod, and keep still, barely breathing, waiting for him to do what he will to me.
His mouth moves down my back and over my hips, and he spreads my cheeks and I feel terribly self-conscious, but he licks my sex, and the touch of shame I feel at having my cheeks spread so wide, my ass so exposed, just seems to add to my arousal so that I'm throbbing, my body so ready.
"I want you inside me," I say, and groan.
"Don't tell me what you want, Eve," he says, his voice a bit shaky. "I know what you need. Do you understand?"
I moan, so ready, feeling as if I'm so swollen that I'd come immediately if he were to enter me now. He inserts fingers
into me, and I inhale sharply and have to fight not to push against them, my body clenching.
"I'm going to come," I say and he stops all motion, withdrawing his fingers.
"Just breathe, Eve. Don't move."
I try, breathing deeply, and my impending orgasm recedes just a bit, but my legs shake from the position I'm in. He waits for a moment and stands behind me, then starts rubbing his erection against me from behind and the friction is light, tantalizing. I want to just force myself against him so that he'll enter me, but I stay still. It's torture, such sweet torture, being unable to move, to control things, and it seems to make me even more aroused if possible.
"I'm going to fuck you now, Eve," he says and pushes the head of his erection against the opening to my body, not entering me completely, just touching. I ache so much, I can't help myself and press against him.
"No," he says, and holds my hips in place. "Keep still. If I want you to move, I'll tell you."
Oh, God, I can barely stand it any longer. I'm breathing fast, waiting for him to start, to enter me.
"I want to turn over so I can watch you," I say.
"No, I want you to just focus on how your body feels, Eve."
He slides his erection against me, slowly.
"Oh, you're so nice and wet," he says as he rubs me with the head. He leans over me, his mouth beside my ear. "Your clit is so hard, Eve. So ripe, so ready. I can't wait to shove my cock inside you, all the way in, and fuck you hard. Do you want me to fuck you hard?"
"Yes," I say, almost coming just from his words alone.
"Yes, what?" he says.
"Yes, please," I say.
"Yes, please what?"
I don't know what he wants, my mind is so overwhelmed.
"Yes please fuck me hard," I say and he kisses my shoulder. He shoves himself in me fully and it feels so good I gasp. He doesn't start to thrust, just stays inside of me, fully, and he's so nice and thick that even just the pressure is enough to make me come.
"I'm going to come," I say, barely able to speak.
"No," he says, remaining perfectly still. "Don't. Just breathe."
But it's no use, I'm too far gone, and I feel myself go over the edge, the sweetness spreading down my legs.