by Lee Wardlow
Dad sat down and Shawn sat next to him putting his arm around his shoulders giving them a squeeze. The outside doors to the ICU waiting room opened before I could scan my badge. Rhett and Tegan O’Halloran looking more than rumpled were coming through the doors with Skylar, one of their younger daughters with them.
“Is he all right?” Rhett shouted. She was also scared and upset. She helped watch us from time to time as Mom watched her four girls too. We spent days at her house while my grandmother Betsy was ill. She loved us as much as we loved her. She ran to my mother and held her close. Tegan went to Dad and sat on the other side of him.
“Can Rhett and Sky go with us Liam?” Mom asked. She was clinging to Rhett’s hand.
“Sure,” I replied as I scanned my badge.
Leading them to his room, I saw Harley and Amelia were back at the nurses’ station. “Fifteen minutes,” Harley mouthed the words then, “Only two after that.” I nodded. I was grateful she was giving me this much.
My mother gasped when she saw Ronan lying on the bed. I had tried to prepare her but it just wasn’t easy to see your child like this. I was struggling with it as his brother. She walked to the side of the bed and reached out to Ronan then she turned to me. “Can I touch him, Liam?” There was a tremble in her voice.
“Sure Mom,” I replied.
She brushed Ronan’s hair back from his face. She leaned over him and kissed his forehead. Then she straightened and looked at me. “Will he be all right?” She asked, there was a tremble to her words.
“I don’t know yet Mom.” I had to be honest with her. The next few hours would tell us.
“What did he take?”
“They don’t know,” I replied. “He had a needle mark on his arm and symptoms of heroin overdose so they treated him with narcan or naloxone.”
Glancing around the room I could see how shell shocked my family was. Fionn, not good with change or trauma was handling this better than I expected. Ciaran looked ready to cry. He kept looking anywhere but at our brother. My uncle was standing next to my grandfather staring at the floor. “I held him in my arms when he was just a few hours old,” he finally said. “You can’t let him die Liam,” Noah told me.
“We’ll do our best Noah.” I was trying to separate myself as a doctor from the patient lying in the bed. I was trained to do this but it wasn’t easy. He was my baby brother. One of three. I just wanted to answer any questions that they had.
“Can I get out without your badge?” Noah asked. He was struggling with this. I could see his need to escape this room.
“No.”
“Then I’ll stand by the nurses’ station,” he responded.
“I’ll see if Amelia or Harley can let you out.” I walked him out and Amelia took my uncle to the door. Trying to see this from their perspective, my grandfather was eerily quiet and my mother who had given birth to him; watched him grow to a man was fighting tears. She held his hand and kept looking at it then his face. I understood Noah’s reaction. Despondent. We were all despondent at the thought we could lose him.
Ronan’s doctor walked into the room while we were all having this introspective response. Lost in our own thoughts. I knew this guy. Vijay Kalamata was a good doctor. “Liam,” he shook my hand.
“Vijay. Can you tell us anything?”
He looked at everyone in the room. “Hippa,” he replied. “Your brothers’ records list your parents as next of kin. I can only speak with them.”
“The rest of us will go out in the hall,” I said.
“Please let Liam stay,” my mom requested. “I need him and Ronan won’t care.”
Vijay nodded. The others cleared the room and stood by the nurses’ station while Vijay looked through the folder in his hand. “As we suspected what your son took was a dose of heroin laced with animal tranquilizer carfentanil. It isn’t the first case tonight that we’ve seen of this. He’s very lucky he isn’t dead.
“We’re going to keep him sedated until we’re sure the seizures have stopped. He seems stabile at the moment but he’s still critical. His EKG looks good. EEG also looks normal so we don’t think there is long term damage. His kidney’s took a hit. The numbers are dangerously out of the normal range. We’re hoping they will bounce back with fluids. If not, we might try dialysis which can kick-start them into working again.”
“Is this long term damage?” My mother asked.
“I don’t believe so,” Vijay told her. “He seems relatively healthy. No heart or brain damage that a long term heroin user might show signs of. If this was a first time thing, hopefully he won’t do it again.”
Mom nodded. “How long will you keep him sedated?”
“Until we see the drugs are no longer in his system,” Vijay replied. “I want to be sure he doesn’t have more seizures. No more cardiac issues. He was barely breathing when he arrived. Little or no pulse. He’s very lucky his friends dropped him here when they did.”
“Is he in trouble?” She asked.
“There are tapes of his friends dumping him in front of the hospital from the hospital security system but unfortunately no one will do anything. You need to talk to him when we bring him out of the coma,” Vijay said. “This could have ended very badly for him. He needs to get help.”
“We will,” I assured him.
Vijay left us. I laid my hand on Mom’s shoulder and asked her what she wanted me to do. Our fifteen minutes were up. I had to clear everyone out but two people. “Can I stay with him?”
I nodded. “Want me to get Dad?”
“Yes.” She was nodding her head at me but she looked so lost.
“I’ll have Rhett or Gramps stay with you while I get him.”
“Thank you,” she said to me.
**
So I’m not dead.
Doesn’t sound like I’m going to die.
But I fucked up.
I can feel my Mom’s touch on my forehead. Her fingers feel cool as they brush through my hair. She used to do this when I was a boy and sick. Then Ciaran comes to the side of the bed. He replaces her as he leans over me and kisses my forehead. Damn, I must be dying. When was the last time my twin kissed me? I can’t even remember. I’m not sure that he ever has.
Then he whispers in my ear so that only I can hear him. “When you get out of here mother fucker, I’m kicking your ass.” I hear the emotion in his voice even though his words are harsh. “I love you Ronan.”
I love you too, Ciaran. I’ll be sure to tell him that when I’m awake.
Then there is Fionn. I have a lifetime to make up to Fionn for how I have hurt this brother of mine. Fionn, is a six foot six giant with a heart of gold. He has dyslexia and instead of being supportive of him like Ciaran was I was a dick. I tore him down. I think this is one of those things that Gram was trying to tell me that I could make better in my life. My relationship with my brother has been improving but we have a long way to go.
“Ronan, I love you man. I hope you can hear me.” Fionn whispered to me. His deep voice touched something in me and I swore a tear rolled from beneath my closed lashes. I wanted to reach out to him and touch his hand. I wanted to reassure him because if anyone needed it, Fionn would need reassuring but my body wouldn’t respond. Later Fionn, when I’m awake I will tell you how much I love you too.
Gramps kissed my cheek then. I would know him anywhere. I am sure that I have disappointed him so many times. Belittled him, not intentionally because he was a farmer. His reaction was the icing on the cake. When he said nothing to me at all, I knew that this was just another letdown in the book of Adam and Ronan Moore.
Someone I hadn’t expected. I knew by her soft, appealing voice. Her small hands as they touched my bare arm. Her lips on my cheek. She was perfection. My sweet and beautiful, Skylar O’Halloran.
“Promise me you’ll get better.” I could hear sadness in her voice. I never wanted to make this girl cry. I would do anything to not be the cause of her tears. Then she was gone. Her warmth and her lovelines
s left me and I felt only emptiness.
There was nothing but my mother’s tears. I could hear them as she sobbed. “How did we not know?” I heard her ask somebody.
“Stevie, he’s a good boy. Wait until you know all the facts.”
Ah Rhett. Of course, she would be by my mom’s side. Later, my Aunt Codi, Aunt Lexi, Scarlett, Bronagh and Delany would hold her hand and let her know they were there for her. She had a great circle of friends who would support her while I recovered.
Recovery.
What was I going to do?
I had to make a change. The grandparents had told me to get my shit together.
But what did I need to do? I could decide that later. Right now? I needed to focus on living. Making it through the next twenty-four hours. There was plenty of time to make decisions about changing my life. No more drugs would be a good start.
**
“Dad, Mom needs you,” I told him.
He looked up at me with eyes that were tormented. “I don’t know if I can do this.” I raised my eyebrow. There was no choice. Mom needed him. Tegan looked at Dad. Then he clapped him on the back.
“You can and you will,” he told him. “Get your ass up and go with Liam. Ronan and Stevie need you. We’re here for you when you come out. Now get going.”
Dad rose. He looked like a dead man walking his last mile. He watched me scan my badge. Harley met my eyes over the desk as we approached. When we walked into the room where Ronan lay on the bed I thought my father would collapse onto the floor. I gripped his shoulder hard and he glanced at me giving me a nod of appreciation.
Rhett turned to me, “Sweetie, why don’t you let me out.”
She took my hand as I walked with her down the hall leaving my parents alone with Ronan.
Chapter 3
Now I could bore you with all the details of my time spent in the hospital; the drama and the tears. The recriminations. Or I could tell you about the day I came home. They moved me to a regular floor after five days. I stayed there for three more. Then they released me with restrictions.
My father did not come back to the hospital after the first night once he was sure I would live. My mother and my grandfather came every day. The day I was released they were the two who picked me up. No one asked too many questions. Yet. They were all too busy playing the blame game. Whose fault was it that I OD on heroin?
Mine, plain and simple.
At least I could recognize that. They had to recognize that as well. Mom brought clothes to me to wear home. I was grateful that I could shower and slip into my own clothes. Gramps was sitting in a chair facing the window when I came out of the shower dressed and ready to leave.
“Do you want us to take you to your apartment?” Mom asked.
“I think he should come to the farm for a while,” my grandfather replied for me. I wasn’t working. I was living off savings while I studied for the bar. Living at the farm didn’t sound so bad. Grams told me that I needed to make changes. Maybe I would discover what I needed to do living there with him and Fionn to guide me. I could take that opportunity to make up some of the hurt that I caused Fionn.
“I think that is a good idea. I’ll end my lease. It’s month to month anyway. Will Fionn and Aine mind?”
Gramps shook his head no. “I already talked to them before your mom picked me up.”
I sat on the edge of the bed. They were going to think I was dreaming or crazy when I told them this but I really needed to tell somebody what happened to me. “When I died I saw Grams.” Gramps’ head shot around to look at me. “Grandpa Joey, Betsy and Luke too.”
Mom sat down beside me and rubbed her hand across my back. Here it comes, her honey you were in a coma speech. You were dreaming. “Ronan, I’m not sure what you think you saw…”
“Stevie let him talk.”
I glanced at my grandfather across the room. His eyes were trained on me. Focused and listening. “She told me I fucked up.” Gramps chuckled.
“They told me that I had an opportunity here to change my life. Basically, I needed to stop being a selfish prick and learn to treat people nicer.” I didn’t want to say it because then they would know but I had to be honest. I might not have done heroin before but I definitely had been doing drugs. “Stop the drugs.” My mother gasped. “This was the first time I tried heroin Mom,” I added not that it made my admission any better.
“Will it be your last?”
“I want it to be my last. Shawn said there are great counseling sessions in Pointe Royal. He thought I should attend. Some meetings maybe?”
“You talked to him about it?” Mom asked.
“He didn’t give me a choice.” I rubbed my hand across my face. “Liam told me they revived me twice. Dying puts things into perspective for you. He wanted me to understand I can’t kick this by myself.”
She laid her head against my shoulder and sighed. I turned my head and kissed my mom’s forehead. “Why Ronan? Your dad is blaming himself.”
“Is that why he hasn’t been back here to see me?” I asked.
“Yes,” my mother replied.
“It’s not his fault. He taught us right from wrong. I started using weed in high school and went from there. The wrong people. The excitement of it. I don’t know,” I said all the reasons and none of them made sense to me now. “Pressure from school? When weed wasn’t enough we began doing coke too. I thought I could control it which I did pretty well until they handed me that needle with the heroin in it. Just once. Try it just once, they told me.”
“I still don’t understand,” Mom said to me.
“I do,” Grandpa replied. “He’s like Joey. A cocky, bull-headed, arrogant shit who needed more. If Ronan had a motorcycle he would have been riding it on the streets of Pointe Royal at a one hundred miles per hour. The drugs gave him the same rush that Joey’s motorcycle did. Got him out of his head.”
I agreed with Gramps. He had described it perfectly. The drugs got me out of my head and gave me the rush that I needed at times.
“Daddy was doing that?” Mom asked.
“He was. Got arrested too. We bailed him out of jail and the Sheriff kept his bike for a while to teach him a lesson.”
The nurse walked in interrupting our conversation. She gave Mom and Grandpa the release instructions. I half-heartedly listened. It was Saturday. Tomorrow, I would have to face everyone at Sunday dinner. I wasn’t looking forward to it and I knew that Gramps would not let me hide from what I had done. He was good at kicking your ass when your fucked up without making it obvious that is what he was doing.
**
Riding in a wheelchair, I stared at the tile as the orderly guided me to the front entrance where Mom was waiting on us in Dad’s truck. She hated driving it but it was more comfortable for me and Gramps being even taller; riding in her much smaller four-door sedan would have been cramped.
“Hey,” Liam shouted. He was jogging through the main part of the hospital trying to catch up to us. He wore light blue hospital scrubs with the name of the hospital emblazoned on his chest. I recognized my brother’s voice and asked the orderly to stop. Gramps stopped beside me.
“Liam,” I said his name. I was awkward and uncomfortable with all my family now. I wondered what they were thinking of me.
“I just wanted to say I’ll see you on Sunday.”
I nodded. Liam came by nearly every day to see me while I was here. He laid his hand on my shoulder; a gesture of comfort. I realized that he watched them work on me. He saw me die. I patted his hand. “Thanks Liam for everything. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Where are you going?” He asked.
I glanced up into my grandfather’s eyes. “To the farm. Gramps thinks it is a great idea for me to be there. I agree.”
I saw Liam look at Gramps. They nodded at each other. I thought I saw some unspoken message pass between them. What was I getting myself into? “Want us to clear out your apartment?” Liam asked.
I hesitated before answering
. “I think that is a good idea,” my grandfather replied for me. “Ronan is going to be at the farm for a while.”
I was? I looked into my grandfather’s eyes. Maybe I was. Maybe it was where I belonged. Getting back to my roots. I created a lot of heartache for my family with this stunt. I wasn’t going to argue at this point. I had been humbled. Pointe Royal might be the best place for me surrounded by most of my family, my nieces. “I would appreciate it,” I admitted.
“I’ll take care of it,” Liam promised me. I patted my brothers hand again.
“We need to go. Mom is waiting on us.”
“We’ll bring your stuff to the farm. It can be stored in the barn.”
“I don’t have a lot. The bedroom furniture is all that is mine. The living room furniture came with the apartment. The kitchen was already stocked as well.”
“Got it,” Liam replied.
“Thanks man,” I told him. “I really do appreciate it.”
Then the guy operating my wheelchair guided me out into the sunshine. I came close to never seeing another day with rain or sun. Snow up to our ass. Ice on a slick, cold morning drive to school or work. He lowered the foot rests at the edge of the sidewalk and I sat my feet on the concrete. Firm ground, beneath my feet. I was still a little weak. He held my bicep as I rose to my feet with Gramps’ hand on my other arm. I glanced at him. “Thanks,” I said to them both. The orderly nodded and left us.
“I’ll pick you up anytime but I’m not going to watch you destroy yourself,” Gramps informed me. I nodded. I got it. I wouldn’t do this again.
He opened the truck’s door and I climbed into the back seat. Gramps wanted to sit there but I insisted that is where I would be most comfortable. No one said anything else about my revelation about my dead grandparents. No one said you’re crazy but the implication was that it wasn’t real. It seemed real dammit.
“Is Dad ever going to talk to me again?” I finally asked as we left the downtown area. The lines on the highway flying by us.
Gramps looked over his shoulder at me. “He will. Give him time to come to grips with his own feelings about it, Ronan.”