by Lee Wardlow
“Yeah,” he was waiting for me to explain more.
“I jumped off a cliff into a pool of water,” I told him. “I didn’t know how deep it was for sure. We were guessing. I knew how high the jump was. I was the adrenaline junkie. Twenty-five to thirty feet drop, I bet.”
“Probably higher. Liam dared you,” Gramps suggested.
“How did you know?” I glanced at him waiting for him to respond.
“Because he’s as arrogant as you,” he replied. “You both remind me of Joey.”
“Is that bad?”
“I loved him,” he replied without really responding. That statement gave me a chuckle.
Dusk was setting over the farm. It was so peaceful I could hear the horses in the barn. Cows in the fields. It was a comfort to me. The sounds of the farm, the peace and the tranquility gave me safe feeling that I hadn’t felt in a while. “Why did you agree to come here so easily Ronan? I expected a battle from you. You hated farming. You always felt it beneath you. So did Joey by the way.”
I sighed. “Gramps, I need to figure out how to be the man that Dad taught us to be. Here with Fionn and you seemed a good place to start. I asked for Fionn’s help. You notice when I asked for a ride he gave me the old farm truck.”
Gramps laughed. “So you’re going to work beside your brother day after day when you’re able?”
“I am.”
“You’re going to put your education on the table for a while?”
“I don’t know. Suddenly being a success isn’t all important as it once was. Living is. Learning how to be a good man is. Fionn is a good man. So are you. Spending time with my nieces and Sosie’s kids.”
“You are a good man, Ronan,” he informed me.
“Gramps, I’m not. I’ve said harsh things to Fionn my whole life. Hurt him. Used people to get what I wanted. Used women then kicked them out without a thought for their feelings. Cared for nothing but myself and my pleasure. Now it’s time to figure out who Ronan Moore really is. What his morals really encompass.”
“Well if you need help kicking your own ass, I’m here to help you because I really think that was a dumbass thing you did.”
“Thanks Gramps. I knew I could count on you.”
He chuckled at my statement then he began to talk about my grandfather who seemed hell bent on destroying himself as well. Demons of his past were chasing him. Markus, his stepfather beat him and his twin brother Jamie on a regular basis. Jamie always stood up to Markus. He refused to cry which is why he died on the bedroom floor in the house down the street where my uncle and aunt now lived.
I listened intent on what he was saying. My eyes traveled down the lane to the house he was talking about. It was barely visible from our vantage point on the front porch. “I went down there Ronan. Your grandfather and uncle were supposed to meet me in the barn. They never showed. Markus’ car was gone so I slipped inside. His mom was passed out on the couch. She was an alcoholic too,” he explained.
“There is that demon in this family, son. That need to give into addiction. Your grandmother had it too with the anorexia. It was something that she couldn’t control at times. She would talk to someone when she felt herself falling into that black hole again.”
“I know,” I replied. I saw her eat very little over the years of my life. My grandfather pushing her to eat what she did. “Gramps, why did you give her up if you loved her that much?”
He grunted. “I shouldn’t have. We were both crushed when she lost our baby. We were both feeling guilty because Joey was on this path of self-destruction. We were afraid our relationship would make him worse. I loved Betsy, Ronan. As Grams was fond of saying, I couldn’t imagine not having your dad or uncle or your mom in our lives so I guess it turned out the way it was supposed to.
“Grams and I had a lot of good years together after Joey and Betsy passed away. We had our chance then, I guess. I loved her so much Ronan.” It seemed he was getting teary on me. “You get one chance in life son, my father told us both many times. Don’t mess it up son.”
“I’ll try not to,” I replied.
“Did you want to talk more about seeing your grandparents?” He asked me.
I wiped my hand across my face. “Do you believe me?” I asked. “Mom was pretty skeptical.”
He looked at me. “I believe that you saw something Ronan. I don’t know what. If your grandmother could orchestrate an intervention from beyond the grave I’m sure she would so yes, I believe you son.”
I burst out laughing. “She said to tell you that she missed you.”
He seemed thoughtful for a moment. “Anything else?” Gramps asked.
“She was pissed at me.”
“I can’t say that I blame her. How did your dad handle you coming over?” He asked switching topics on me.
I sighed. “I told him that I was the one who stuck the needle in my arm. He had no blame in what happened to me.”
“Good man.” He squeezed my shoulders in a hug only a grandfather can give you. “He still blames himself though.”
My grandfather was right about my dad. I knew that my words had no effect on him. He still blamed himself. He would need time to come to terms with the fact that I did this to me. I had almost killed myself.
Chapter 5
When I said I could help around the house I was not cut any slack. My sister-in-law was cooking dinner. Gracie Lou was crying. Gramps was outside with Fionn so I went to the kitchen to see if I could help Aine with something. I wasn’t much of a cook but I would definitely have preferred she let me watch the pots on the stove than what she offered me.
She looked flustered. Not only was she big with her second child; my brother produced large children but she was also having back aches. I scooped Grace up into my arms when she said, “I just need a minute for the water to boil could you change her?”
I glanced at my niece. I never in my life changed a child but I could do this. “Sure I can.” I would at least try. Aine glanced over her shoulder at me. Her face was filled with uncertainty.
“Are you sure?”
“Sure, I can do this,” I repeated carrying my niece out of the kitchen and up the stairs. Grace stopped crying. Even she looked uncertain. “What Gracie Lou? Don’t you trust me either?”
I entered her bedroom and laid her on the changing table; removing her leggings. I had been here about a week. The first Sunday dinner I had been granted reprieve. Only my immediate family came to the farm so I hadn’t had to face the backlash of my actions yet.
So far, I had been given baby sitter duties only so Aine could get stuff done around the house which suited me just fine. No hard labor for me for at least another week. I could smell the diaper my niece was wearing. “What did you have for lunch kid? You stink.”
Gracie smiled at me. The tears still glistened on her long dark lashes. I reached under the table and found wipes. A fresh diaper, I needed that too. What else? “I think it’s time for potty training kiddo,” I told her.
She shook her blonde curls no. “No?” I was stalling. Bracing myself for the stinky diaper I knew she was currently wearing. “Why not? Gracie Lou is my big girl.”
“Not a big girl,” she retorted.
“You don’t want to wear pretty big girl panties?” I asked.
She shook her head no. I had to do this. I undid the tabs on the diaper and slowly lifted it away from her belly. I quickly shoved it closed. “Good god Gracie Lou,” I groaned. Grace giggled at the gagging face I was making. “Does Daddy change you Gracie?” I gasped.
She nodded. “How?” A rhetorical question. She looked at me with a puzzled expression on her face unsure of how to respond to that question.
“Do you need help?”
I glanced up at the doorway where Skylar O’Halloran stood leaning against the frame of the door. Her long blonde hair, slightly wavy cascaded over her shoulder. Her black yoga pants stretched tight over her tiny frame. Her hoodie which I thought was kind of bulky and too warm for h
ung loose on her. She was twenty-one and just graduated with a degree in education. She completed her student teaching at the high school in Pointe Royal where we all had attended.
“Hi, I would pay you to change Gracie’s diaper.”
She rolled her pretty blue eyes at me. “She’s my niece too, Ronan. You don’t have to pay me.”
I stepped back and let her stand by Grace. I stood behind her and watched her expertly clean Grace’s bottom. I gagged at the sights and smells coming from my niece. Skylar glanced over her shoulder once or twice trying not to laugh at me. “You could have left Ronan.”
“How do you do this? Is it a woman thing?”
“No both of your brothers do this with their children. Maybe when you have your own child you will be able to do it.”
“I don’t think so,” I replied.
She glanced at me quickly. “Do you want kids?”
“Never thought about it. Remember I’m the selfish prick.”
She trained her eyes on me. A sadness permeated them to the depths that I never saw before. “Hey Skybug, you all right?” I rested my hand on her shoulder.
She finished changing Gracie and slipped her leggings back on. Then she turned to me. There were tears in her eyes. “I just want to hit you Ronan. I came to the hospital,” she declared but said nothing more.
“I know.”
She swallowed hard. She picked up the dirty diaper. “Get Grace,” she snapped at me.
“All right.”
The Moores, the O’Hallorans, the Murdochs, the Gatlins, the Martin families had been having Sunday dinner together at this farm since I was a small child. My grandfathers were best friends with Skylar’s grandparents Shay and Bobby Martin. The town of Pointe Royal was small; we all knew each other well. Shawn’s wife Bronagh knew Shay Martin and her father Bobby because they too had grown up with her father, Derek. When he was dying they helped her with Derek. Our town was like that. We were a tightknit group. We helped each other out. We took care of each other.
I was six years old when Rhett and Tegan O’Halloran brought Skylar home from the hospital. After a few days Mom and Dad dragged us over to see the newest addition to the O’Halloran household. Aine was four, Ryan was two and then there was the new baby Skylar. It was our responsibility as extended members of their family to take care of these girls. We had no sisters. Sophia was as close as we would come and she was our cousin.
I have seen pictures of me holding this girl as a newborn. Looking disgusted that I was forced to do this. I even gave this girl a bottle a time or two. It was always, here hold Sky for a minute while I get a bottle. Oh, Ryan needs something just give it to her Ronan. Don’t forget to burp her. So hell, I could understand why she was pissed at me too. I would be angry at her if she had done something this ridiculously stupid.
Gracie’s slobbery fingers caressed my face. I smiled at her. “At least you aren’t mad at me.” Skylar glanced over her shoulder then she turned back to the staircase and walked downstairs. “I love you Skybug,” I told her. She groaned at me. “I do.” She shook her head at me so I let it go.
I followed Skylar to the kitchen. Aine glanced over her shoulder as we entered. “So who changed the diaper?”
“She did,” I answered honestly. I didn’t care if Aine knew I couldn’t do it.
“I thought so,” Aine replied. “Good thing Skylar arrived when she did.”
She turned back to the food cooking on the stove top. The smells emanating from the pots was amazing. “That smells wonderful.”
“Glad you approve,” Aine said. “It’s your favorite. My homemade chili spaghetti.”
“Cool.”
“Skylar, you staying?” Aine asked.
“I don’t think so. I just stopped by to see Ronan in person. Grateful to see he is actually alive. The last time that I saw him he was in a medically induced coma with tubes and monitors attached to him. I wasn’t sure he was going to live.” She glared at me, I thought. “I’ll be back on Sunday for our weekly dinner. We’re all coming this Sunday,” she informed me.
Oh goodie.
“Okay, see you Sunday,” Aine told her.
I followed Skylar out to the yard. I asked her if she was okay again. Something was different. We grew up together; I knew her tells and signs and I could sense something wasn’t right. She hesitated at the bottom of the steps looking up at me. “How long have you been doing drugs?”
“Forever,” I replied. “Senior year in high school is when I began using weed.” I wouldn’t lie to her. She nodded. She proceeded to tell me how she idolized me. I didn’t know why. I was an asshole. Maybe not to her but to many people that she had seen for herself.
“You were sweet to me Ronan.”
“I tried to be.” She was biting her lip. Gracie struggled in my arms. I could see Gramps and Fionn walking across the field. I let her down in the grass and she took off running toward them. I glanced back at Skylar.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Do you remember about four months ago…Stokes told you I ran into you downtown at Hot Shot?”
Vaguely. The details were murky for all of us. Did I do something to hurt her. Was I obnoxious with her? “What did I do?” I was dreading her response.
“You were wasted Ronan? I was so worried about you after that night. I should have said something to somebody.”
“It isn’t your fault,” I said quickly. Not another person blaming themselves for my actions. I couldn’t have that.
“Maybe, maybe not. I took you home that night. You don’t remember anything?”
“You took me home?” My voice rose a few octaves.
“I did.” She turned towards her car. “I’ll see you on Sunday, Ronan.” At her car door, Skylar glanced at me then she opened her door. “Ronan, there are a lot of people who care about you, including me. People who need you. Promise me…” she hesitated to collect herself, “Promise me, you won’t don’t do it again.”
“I won’t.”
“Bye Ro,” she said. Then Skylar dipped into the car. She started the engine and backed out. She didn’t even look back at me as she drove down the lane. I had a bad feeling about this. I turned and went inside, not liking at all that Skylar brought me home and I didn’t remember anything about it.
Except, the next morning I woke up naked in my bed. Naked but alone. I went directly to the kitchen to speak to Aine. “Did Skylar tell you about bringing me home from a nightclub about four months ago?” I asked her.
Aine turned with a spoon in her hand, sauce dripped onto the stove. She stared at me. “What are you talking about?”
I relayed to Aine what Skylar told me about the whole incident. I was frantically searching my brain for details about that night but it was a total blank. A giant black hole of time that I was missing. I didn’t like not remembering. “She didn’t tell me anything. You were wasted,” she declared not asked.
“She said I was.”
“Ronan, how badly did you abuse drugs?”
I chewed on my lower lip. “I had blackouts from time to time when I was so wasted that I didn’t know what happened the night before.”
She shook her head at me.
“It was controlled Aine. I had everything under control until the heroin incident.” Even hearing the words come out of my mouth I knew how ridiculous they sounded.
“You didn’t Ronan if you don’t remember Sky bringing you home.” She was giving me that look. I knew it well. I had seen it from my mother before when I was a kid and had done something so stupid that could have gotten me killed. Like when we used bungie cords Gramps used to tie down tarps on the farm truck to swing from the rafters in the loft of Gramps barn. We swung down to the ground below pretending we were bunging jumping. Mom almost had a heart attack when the grandparents told her about it. Then she almost killed us.
You could only imagine the screaming going on as we bounced towards the ground until Grams or Gramps came outside and put a stop to it before one
of us smashed our brains on the floor of the barn. We loved the rush of adrenaline. We all did except Fionn. He stood in the door and watch us do the dumb things. He was the only smart one.
“I’m going to my room for a while unless you need me?”
“No, go.” She waved her hand at me without really looking at me. I think she almost wanted me out of her face for a while. She saw me more than anyone throughout the day.
**
I could have cried if I let myself. I had to tell somebody because I was about to burst with my secret. He didn’t remember. It was the best sex of my life and he didn’t remember me taking him home.
I didn’t know he was that wasted he wouldn’t remember or I wouldn’t have done it. I went where I always went to Ryan and Ciaran’s. I wasn’t far from there after stopping at the farm just to see him and know that he was okay. After the first night, seeing him with all the tubes and wires, I couldn’t go to the hospital again. I didn’t want to see him laid out in the bed unsure if he was going to live.
First of all, ICU was where Stevie and Gramps belonged. Declan if he would have stopped being stubborn and gone with them. Secondly, when he got moved to a regular room I was too emotional to go. Sure the first day, my sisters and I were all upset. A normal reaction we would have about anyone in our group but after we knew he was going to be all right then my continued emotional response would have seemed odd. I couldn’t explain to anyone why I felt like crying every time I thought about almost losing Ronan before I got the chance to tell him about that night.
He wasn’t nice to everyone but Ronan was always nice to Aine, me and Charlie. He and Ryan rubbed each other the wrong way although even they were working on being nice to each other. So I knew she might not be the best person to tell this to but I had to tell somebody and she and I were the closest.
I graduated from UC. Pointe Royal High School offered me a job teaching English to the freshman class and I accepted. I wonder how they would feel about maternity leave two and a half months after starting the job? I parked behind Ryan’s SUV and got out. Stevie was watering her flowers. “Hi Stevie,” I called to her and waved. She smiled and waved back at me.