by Dan Gutman
“Rent-a-Dove,” he said.
After the doves were gone, Mrs. Dole raised her arm again, and a rocket went flying up in the air over the school. It exploded in a million hundred directions, and the next thing we knew, the sky was filled with fireworks! It was cool!
“Where did your mom get the—”
“Rent-a-Fireworks,” said Ryan.
At the end of the fireworks show, we heard this huge roar up in the sky. I thought it was a hurricane or something. But then six jet planes zoomed right over our school, in formation! It was awesome! I had to hold on to my cap so it wouldn’t fly off my head.
“Where did your mom—”
“Rent-a-Blue-Angels-Flyover,” said Ryan. “See, I told you my mom goes overboard.”
I didn’t know what he was talking about. His mom didn’t fall out of a boat or anything. But it didn’t matter, because after the jet planes flew away, Mr. Klutz got up onstage to make a speech.
“Second graders,” he said, “life is about challenges. Early in the school year I challenged you to read a million pages, and you did it. So I had to dress up in a gorilla suit. Next I challenged you to do a million math problems, and you did it. So I had to kiss a pig. Then I challenged you to write a million spelling words, and you did it. So I had to pogo-stick down Main Street in a turkey costume. Finally I challenged you to get the highest reading score in the county, and you did it. So I had to paint my head orange. You always met my challenges. Now I have one last challenge for you.”
“What is it?” somebody yelled.
“If you kids line up in an orderly fashion and come onstage for your diplomas,” said Mr. Klutz, “I will let you throw your caps up in the air.”
All right! Throwing stuff is fun! That’s the first rule of being a kid. At school, grown-ups are constantly telling us we’re not allowed to throw stuff.
It was time for the big moment. Finally we were going to get our diplomas, throw our caps in the air, and eat cake. We all lined up next to the stage.
Mr. Klutz read our names one by one. Mrs. Dole handed each of us a diploma. The parents were tripping all over each other trying to take pictures.
“Congratulations!” Mrs. Dole hollered after she handed out the last diploma. “You are now officially third graders!”
Yippee! I’d been waiting all year for this moment. Finally I was allowed to throw something at school. I took the cap off my head and winged it as high and as far as I could.
And you’ll never believe in a million hundred years what happened next.
10
Throwing Up
I threw my cap up like a Frisbee, really high and far. And then, like a Frisbee, it caught the wind and curved back toward me. I thought it might hit the stage—but instead it hit the bowl that held the eternal flame!
The bowl fell off its stand and onto the ground. My cap caught on fire, and everybody started freaking out.
“Quick! Somebody get a fire extinguisher!” Mr. Klutz yelled.
Mrs. Dole went running off to look for a fire extinguisher. Meanwhile, the wind whipped the flame and sparks around. The next thing we knew, the CONGRATULATIONS, GRADUATES! banner was on fire.
“Forget the fire extinguisher!” Mr. Klutz yelled. “Call the fire department!”
The banner was whipping around in the wind, and soon it didn’t say CONGRATULATIONS, GRADUATES! anymore. All it said was RAT DATES, because the rest of it had burned up.
Everybody was freaking out because there were sparks flying all over the place. Some of the sparks were falling on the hay at the petting zoo.
“Excuse me,” I said to Emily.
“What do you want, A.J.?” Emily asked, like she was all annoyed.
“I just wanted to let you know that you’re on fire,” I told her.
It was true! Somehow a spark must have landed on Emily’s gown, and her gown was going up in flames.
Emily freaked out and went running around like she was, well, on fire. Which she was.
“HELP! I’M ON FIRE!” Emily screamed.
“STOP, DROP, AND ROLL!” everybody shouted.
Emily stopped, dropped, and rolled. But the only problem was that she rolled right into the table that was holding the giant cake!
The table toppled over and the cake slid off—landing right on top of Emily! The good news was that the cake put out the fire. The bad news was that our cake was ruined.
“Five-second rule!” I shouted, and a bunch of us ran over to grab chunks of cake off the playground before five seconds were up. Mmmm! It was great!
Meanwhile, the hay in the petting zoo had ignited, and the cows and chickens and goats were mooing and squawking and freaking out. One of the cows knocked down the wooden fence, and soon all the animals were running around the playground.
You should have been there! It was a real Kodak moment. But nobody was taking pictures because all the parents were busy trying to avoid being trampled by the cows and goats.
“Remain calm!” screamed Mrs. Dole as she ran around, spraying a fire extinguisher.
“Run for your lives!” shouted Neil the nude kid as a goat chased him across the playground.
I was wondering if third grade would be canceled if the school burned down. But it didn’t matter, because soon there was a siren coming down the street. A fire truck pulled up, and Officer Spence hopped off. He attached a hose to a hydrant in the street and sprayed water all over the place. Everybody got soaked.
I thought it was all over; but in the middle of the playground, I saw Andrea’s mom and Ryan’s mom yelling at each other.
“This is all your fault!” Andrea’s mom shouted. “You and your stupid graduation!”
“How was I supposed to know somebody would knock over the eternal flame?” shouted Ryan’s mom.
The next thing we knew, the two PTA moms were wrestling each other on the ground and pulling each other’s hair! And we got to see it live and in person!
“See,” I said to Andrea, “I told you PTA presidents get assassinated. Your mom is trying to kill Ryan’s mom so she can become president.”
Mr. Klutz broke up the fight. He told us to line up near Mrs. Daisy. Some of the parents went to round up the animals.
Mrs. Daisy didn’t look very good. Her hair was all messy.
“I don’t feel very well,” she said. “I think I need to sit—”
But Mrs. Daisy never had the chance to finish her sentence, because at that moment the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened.
Mrs. Daisy fainted!
11
Passing Out and Making Out
Me and the guys caught Mrs. Daisy just before she was about to hit the ground. Her eyes were closed and she was all limp, like a rag doll.
“Wake up!” Ryan shouted. “Wake up, Mrs. Daisy!”
“She can’t hear you,” said Neil.
“Is she dead?” I asked.
“She just fainted, Arlo,” Andrea said.
“Whenever a girl faints in the movies,” I said, “somebody slaps her in the face and she wakes up.”
“You should slap her, A.J.,” said Michael.
“I’m not slapping Mrs. Daisy,” I said. “I’ll get kicked out of school. Why don’t you slap her?”
“I’m not slapping her,” Michael said. “You’re the one who thought of giving her all those bonbons. That’s probably why she fainted. You should slap her.”
“You slap her!” I shouted.
“No, you slap her!”
“Tell you what,” I finally said. “Let’s both slap her.”
Me and Michael were about to slap Mrs. Daisy when Mr. Macky came running over to us. We decided to let him slap her. But he didn’t. He was holding a wet handkerchief, and he held it against Mrs. Daisy’s forehead.
“Give her air!” he shouted, which didn’t make any sense because none of us had any air to give her. Who carries around air? Where would we get air anyway? Rent-a-Air?
“This is all your fault, Arlo!” s
aid Andrea. “You knocked over the eternal flame! They’ll probably make you repeat second grade for this.”
“Mr. Klutz told us to throw our caps up in the air!” I yelled. “I didn’t mean to knock over the eternal flame! Why do I get blamed for everything?”
Officer Spence came rushing over to us.
“What happened?” he asked.
“She fainted,” said Mr. Macky.
“It’s because she ate so many bonbons,” Andrea told Officer Spence. “She got fatter and fatter. I bet all that sugar made her pass out.”
Then Officer Spence did the most amazing thing in the history of the world. He leaned over and kissed Mrs. Daisy! On the lips! Right in front of her husband!
“Ewww!” I said. “They’re making out! Mr. Macky, are you going to let Officer Spence kiss your wife? You should punch him in the nose. That’s what guys do in the movies when they catch somebody kissing their wife.”
“He’s giving her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, dumbhead!” said Andrea.
I didn’t know what mouth-to-mouth resuscitation was, but it looked a lot like kissing to me.
I was trying to think of something mean to say to Andrea when Mrs. Daisy opened her eyes.
“Where am I?” she asked.
“You’re in the playground,” said Officer Spence. “You’re going to be fine. Did you eat a lot of bonbons recently?”
“No,” Mrs. Daisy said, “I gave almost all of them away.”
“Then how did you get so fat?” I asked.
“Because…”
“Because we’re going to have a baby!” said Mr. Macky.
WHAT????!!!!
12
The Perfect Baby Name
Mr. Macky told us that Mrs. Daisy is going to have a baby in the fall. She was waiting for the right moment to tell us the big news.
“So that’s why you had a doctor’s appointment!” said Andrea.
“And that’s why you’re moving to a bigger house!” said Michael.
“And that’s why you’ve been knitting and trying to eat healthier!” said Emily.
“And that’s why you fainted!” I said.
“That’s right,” said Mrs. Daisy.
The girls were all excited and giggly because girls always get excited and giggly whenever they find out somebody is going to have a baby. Nobody knows why. They crowded around to hug Mrs. Daisy, touch her stomach, and argue over whether the baby would be a boy or a girl.
Next the girls started thinking up baby names, because that’s what you’re supposed to do when you find out somebody is going to have a baby. The girls decided the baby should be named Michelle.
“What about you guys?” asked Mr. Macky. “What do you think we should name the baby?”
Hmmm. I looked around. Firefighters were still hosing off the petting zoo. That’s when I came up with the best baby name in the history of the world.
“Hydrant,” I suggested.
“HYDRANT?” everyone shouted.
I said that Hydrant would be a great name for a baby, because it would be antique. There was probably no other kid in the world named Hydrant. Besides, Hydrant would be the perfect name because the only thing babies can do is pee. Sort of like a hydrant.
All in all, I thought graduation went pretty well, except that I knocked over the eternal flame, Emily caught on fire, the petting zoo animals escaped, and the school almost burned down. But stuff like that happens all the time at Ella Mentry School.
Maybe I shouldn’t have thrown my cap up in the air. Maybe we’ll get another cake. Maybe the parents will be able to round up the cows and goats and chickens. Maybe Ryan’s mom will stop jumping out of boats. Maybe Andrea’s mom will become PTA president. Maybe Officer Spence will stop kissing married women. Maybe Ryan will stop hiding under his desk whenever his mom is around. Maybe Mrs. Daisy and Mr. Macky will name their baby Hydrant. Maybe by September everybody will forget what happened at graduation. Maybe we’ll be able to talk Mr. Klutz into letting us have another graduation at the end of third grade.
But it won’t be easy!
About the Authors
Dan Gutman has written many weird books for kids. He lives in New Jersey (a very weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. You can visit him on his weird website at www.dangutman.com.
Jim Paillot lives in Arizona (another weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. Isn’t that weird? You can visit him on his weird website at www.jimpaillot.com.
Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins author.
Credits
Cover art © 2008 by Jim Paillot
Copyright
MY WEIRD SCHOOL DAZE #1: MRS. DOLE IS OUT OF CONTROL!. Illustrations Copyright © 2008 by Jim Paillot. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
EPub © Edition JULY 2008 ISBN: 9780061973505
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*PTA stands for Parents who Talk A lot.
*This little star thing is called an asterisk. What a dumb word. They should just call it a star.
*Footnotes usually have something to do with the thing in front of the asterisk. But not always.
*“With all due respect” is grown-up talk for “I think you’re stupid.”
*If you hide this book inside one of those Newbery Award–winning books, it will make you look a lot smarter.
*Try this science experiment. Put a banana on your head. See how long it takes for somebody to notice that you have a banana on your head. Record the results.