by Mercy Amare
“When I say those words back, you should know that I will mean them with all of my heart,” I tell him. “And I will mean it forever.”
Gabe puts his arm around me, and I rest my head against his chest.
When I’m with him, I feel complete. I can’t wait for the day when I can be his.
Monday, April 30
8 a.m.
Brian.
My hands are shaking hard as I follow the detective into the police station. Over the past few months, I’ve been here more times than I can count. I’m hoping that today is the last day I will ever have to come here.
Brian has the answer to every question I have. And he has the ability to finally set me free. I just hope he’s willing to talk to me — to tell me the truth.
I follow the detective down a long hallway. We stop at the last door.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” he asks.
I take a deep breath and nod my head.
“Okay,” he says. “I’m going to give you thirty minutes.”
He opens the door, and I walk inside. I immediately stop in my tracks. Sitting at the table, Brian is handcuffed. There are two police officers standing on each side of him, but he is watching me. His eyes, the ones I used to think were filled with love, are now cold. My chest aches as I take a seat in front of him.
“I didn’t think you’d come,” he says.
“Well, I have a lot of questions that only you can answer,” I say.
“Ask away.” He leans back in his chair.
I clear my throat. I ask the first question that pops in my head. “Okay. Why did you kill Keith?”
“That’s an easy one. He was cheating on Olivia. I decided I could use him as an example while I was at it,” he says.
Oh my God.
This is harder than I thought it was going to be.
I force myself to keep asking questions, because thirty minutes isn’t long enough.
“What about Kasbian?” I ask.
Brian’s laugh is cold. “You think I was the only one involved in this? How do you think all those notes got in your locker at school? Kasbian was paid, just like I was. But he got scared and decided to tell you the truth. I had to kill him.”
Kasbian was involved too?
I take a deep breath, trying to process what he’s saying.
“And you took the job working for my dad because this… person… paid you to?”
Brian nods. “I needed the money. I didn’t think it would get quite so complicated when I took the job.”
“Why did you… date… me?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know. You’re hot. I was bored. Plus, it made my whole job a lot easier. I had fun playing with you.”
My stomach churns, and I’m glad I didn’t have breakfast. If I had, that comment would have made me throw up. I’m so glad that I never had sex with him. It makes me sick to even think that I kissed him.
“So you never loved me?” I ask.
“I didn’t say that,” he says. “I never thought you would find out. I was hoping you wouldn’t. I wanted to start a life with you. I still do.”
“Who hired you?” I change the subject. I don’t want to hear about him wanting to be with me.
“I can’t tell you. If I did, he would kill me.”
“You’re in prison. How can he kill you in here?” I ask.
“I will tell you if you come back tomorrow,” he says.
“Why can’t you tell me now?”
“Because I’d rather talk about us,” he says. “Are you going to forgive me for this?”
“Are you kidding? Brian, you ruined my life. You stalked me, you killed two of my friends, and you nearly killed me. You manipulated me, lied to me, and got me to fall in love with you.”
He smiles. “So you are in love with me?”
“No,” I say, quickly. “I hate you. Just looking at you makes me sick.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“No, I do.”
“I thought you wanted to marry me,” he says. “I bought you a ring. Olivia has it. I was going to give it to you after your birthday party. I was going to ask you to marry me. You would’ve said yes, I know you would’ve.”
Olivia. I miss her so much.
“How is Olivia?” I ask him.
“I don’t know. She won’t talk to me. None of my family will. My brother stopped by when I first got arrested, but that’s it. They’re all ashamed of me,” he says. “But they don’t understand. I needed the money.”
“Nobody needs money that bad. You had a family who loves you. You had a place to live with your mom. You had food. You didn’t need anything else.” I fight to keep my voice from raising.
“I wouldn’t expect somebody like you to understand. You have everything handed to you on a diamond plate. You have more money than you know what to do with, a nice car, and your pick of any college in the country. Hell, you could study abroad if you wanted. You get to spend your freaking summer in Tahiti.”
“I invited you, Brian,” I say. “I would’ve given up everything for you. You’re the one who ruined that. But thank you for helping me realize that I never was in love with you. Our whole relationship was built on a lie. I never would’ve dated you if I would have seen what a selfish, arrogant, greedy, asshole you are.”
I stand up to walk toward the door.
“Are you coming back tomorrow?” he asks.
I turn back around. “You will tell me who is behind all this tomorrow?”
He nods.
“Then, yes. I’ll be back.”
11 a.m.
I wish we wouldn’t have been interrupted.
I’m back at the house, waiting for Toby to wake up. I’ve already done my school work for the day, so I am pretty much bored. I sit by the pool, soaking up some sun and read a book. But after reading the same page about five times, I give up.
Since moving to Mountain View, my life has changed so much. I knew it would, but I never imagined this — a stalker. But even though Brian is in jail, I’m still not safe. Somebody was paying him, and until I know who, I won’t be safe.
But who would want to do this to me? Who could hate me this much? I can’t think of anybody, but then again, I never would’ve thought Brian would do this to me either. How could I not know? Three months. Hundreds of kisses… He told me he loves me, and I believed him. I trusted him.
I’m an idiot.
My phone vibrates on the table beside me, and I look down to see a text from Gabe.
Gabe: Are you up yet?
Me: Yep. Had to do stuff with the detective this morning.
Gabe: I’m bored. Can I come over?
Me: Ugh, yes. Please. Toby probably won’t wake up for a few more hours, and I’m bored.
Gabe: Be there in ten. :)
I put my phone back down, and look at the cloudless sky.
Gabriel Johnson is the best thing that has ever happened to me. And I’m probably going to mess that up. I keep pushing him away and then pulling him close, only to push him away again. He deserves so much better than me. It’s only a matter of time before he figures that out too.
Why won’t I get back with him? I know I want him. I know he wants me. We are both obviously still in love with each other… but… I don’t want to put Gabe through all of this again. I want him to be safe. I want for everything to calm down. And most of all, I just want to forget every second I ever spent with Brian.
A few minutes later, I hear the patio door open and watch Gabe walk out. His face lights up when he sees me, and my heart swells. He’s so beautiful.
“Hey,” he says, taking a seat beside me. “Your birthday party was awesome.”
I look up at the lights that are still hanging up. “Yeah, it was. Too bad I only got to be here for like four songs. My dad bought me Scarlett Ryan for my birthday. How awesome is that? But then I got kidnapped before I even got to talk to her.”
“Sorry about that,” he says.
“It’s o
kay,” I say. “That wasn’t my only present from Dad.”
“I figured. What else did he get you?”
“Two months in Bora Bora. I was going to go with Toby, Olivia, and…” My voice trails off, but I don’t need to finish my sentence. I clear my throat. “I guess Toby is still going with me. Dad promised to visit some. I just want to be back by August fifteenth, Veronica’s due date… Do you want to come?”
“Yeah,” he say. “Of course. I bet Ty would come too. He will take any excuse to get away from his house. His dad has been home a lot the past few weeks, and I think it’s been rough on him. I guess his dad plans on spending the whole summer in Mountain View.”
“I’d love for Ty to come. As long as he doesn’t hit on me.”
Gabe laughs. “Yeah, right, Kihanna.”
“Fine. I get it. He can’t go five seconds without hitting on me. I can take that,” I say. “What I can’t take is him getting mad every time you hold my hand. And what if I want to kiss you? He would probably freak out.”
“You’d want to kiss me in Bora Bora?” he asks.
I nod. “Definitely. I am holding out hope that my stalker will be caught before then. I won’t have to worry about anything. Just fun.”
“I bet they will catch whoever it is,” Gabe says. “Especially now that they have Brian. Eventually he will cave, right?”
“Actually…” I pause. “There is something I need to tell you… Today I went to talk to Brian.”
I hear his sharp intake of breath. “Why did you do that?”
“The detective said he refused to talk unless it was to me.” It’s not a lie. Of course, I am leaving out part of the truth. I feel guilty for a second, but I know the truth would probably hurt him worse.
“How was it?”
“Awful. I don’t know how I ever could have dated him,” I say, trying to keep the hurt out of my voice. “I seriously feel like the biggest idiot on the planet.”
“Did he tell you who he was working for?”
“No. But he said if I come back tomorrow he will tell me.”
“Are you going back?” he asks.
“Of course.”
“I don’t think you should. I think he’s just messing with you. Kihanna, you can’t let him get in your head like this.”
“I know, Gabe. But then I think about you in the hospital bed. And I think about Kasbian…” I clear my throat. “I think of Keith, Jacqueline, and Nicholas… I think of the fact that I can’t even sleep in my own bed. I need closure.”
“I can take it,” he says. “If you’re holding back because you’re scared for me, don’t.”
“It’s so easy for you to say that,” I say. “But I couldn’t handle it if something happened to you. I worry about you so much.”
“I can take care of myself.”
“I know you can.”
“I can take care of you too,” he says. “I figured out it was Brian. I really think that I could find out who was paying him if I started digging.”
“If the cops can’t find anything, what makes you think you can?” I ask.
Gabe looks at me with his eyebrows raised. “Really, Kihanna? I think you’re underestimating my knowledge. I got in trouble when I was nine for hacking into a government website.”
“No way!”
“Yes,” he says. “Ask my dad. He was so proud of me. Of course, I got grounded from my computer for three months over that one, but it was worth it.”
“You’re crazy.”
“I know.”
“I’m crazy about you,” I tell him.
“I know that too,” he says. “In fact, I am pretty sure you’re in love with me.”
I don’t say anything. He’s right. But I am so not admitting that.
“You don’t have to say it. I can see it in your eyes. Even when you’re pushing me away, I know you don’t mean it,” he says. “And when you kissed me Friday night… I know that you wanted me just as bad as I wanted you.”
“Friday night…” shouldn’t have happened. “Is it bad that I can’t stop thinking that I wish we wouldn’t have been interrupted?”
“No. Because I keep thinking the same thing.”
I clear my throat. “You know, this really doesn’t change things.”
“I think that you think it doesn’t. But it does. We both know it,” he says. “Just so you know, I’m not going anywhere. You’re not going to get rid of me that easily.”
Good, I think, but I don’t say it out loud.
I don’t know what I would do without him. I hope I never have to find out.
1 p.m.
You’re next.
I go upstairs and wake Toby up to hang out with Gabe and me. Mostly because I can’t stand being with Gabe alone. He makes me feel things that I don’t want to feel right now… things I can’t feel right now.
I could live one thousand lifetimes and never deserve him.
Toby, Gabe, and I are now in the basement watching Thor when Dad walks downstairs. I immediately know that something is wrong because he’s home in the middle of the day, which never happens. Plus, I can tell by the pained looked on his face.
“Kihanna, we need to talk,” he says.
“What’s going on?” I ask, as Toby pauses the movie.
“Detective Robert called me.”
Crap.
Dad knows I went to see Brian. And now he’s going to be pissed.
“I can explain…” I say.
Dad cuts me off. “Brian was killed.”
I sit forward on the couch. “What?”
“The details aren’t clear, but he was killed. Robert is going to keep me up to date once we figure out what is going on,” he says.
“No. No. No.” I put my head in my hands. “He was the only lead we had to figuring out who this person is.” And he was going to tell me who. Tomorrow. Now I will never know. I’ll forever be stalked, until the person finally gets sick of torturing me. Then they will kill me. “I’ll never get to go to college. I’ll never get to get married, or have kids, or even have a normal life. I’ll be stuck at this house forever. Or dead.”
“Kihanna, you can’t say things like that,” Dad says, taking a seat beside me.
“I called Berkeley earlier,” I tell him. “They were so thrilled to hear from me, they put me straight through to the Dean of Admissions. They offered me a private dorm room, first dibs on classes, and a golf cart so I wouldn’t have to walk to my classes. I’ll never get to go there now.”
“Berkeley offered you all that?” Gabe asks. “Seriously unfair. I’m rooming with Ty. And I definitely have to walk to all my classes.”
“That’s really awesome,” Dad tells me. “And that’s why you are going to survive this. You’re too young to die. You have so much ahead of you.”
I lean my head over on Dad’s shoulder. “I’m scared.”
He reaches his arms around me and pulls me against his chest. I wrap my arms around him, and cry into his chest.
“I don’t want to die.”
“I’m not going to let you die,” he says. “I will do everything to protect you. I can’t lose you. Not when you just came into my life.”
I look up at my dad to see that he’s got tears in his eyes, which makes me cry even harder.
If I die, I will die knowing that both of my parents loved me more than anything in the world. I will die knowing that everybody I love will be safe and taken care of, and that is the most important thing.
“Listen to me,” Dad says, “you are going to survive this. You’re going to graduate high school, you’re going to go off to college, and I am going to miss you like crazy every day that you’re gone. You’re going to graduate college. One day, hopefully a long time from now, I will walk you down the aisle on your wedding day. You’ll probably be marrying Gabe.”
“Dad!”
He smiles at me. “And you’re going to have beautiful kids. And I am going to spoil them.”
“I love you,” I tell him. “
And I know that you have to think optimistically because you’re my dad, but if something happens to me, please tell my little sister how awesome I am.”
“No. I won’t have to tell her, because you’ll be here,” he says, then kisses the top of my head. “I love you too, Kihanna.”
Dad gets up from the couch and leaves the room. I can tell he’s trying not to cry. I get up too, and look at Gabe and Toby. They’re both watching me, probably waiting for me to break down.
“I just… need a minute,” I say. I walk into the bathroom and lean against the wall. I feel myself slide down, and I sit on the floor. I feel a tear drop hit my arm. I didn’t even realize I was still crying.
Brian is dead. Despite how much I want to not care, I do. At one point, he was my whole life. I cared about him, and those kinds of feelings don’t just go away because of what he did. The feelings were real, even if they were based on a lie.
I can’t help but think of Brian’s family. They’ve already been through so much — first with losing their dad, then Olivia’s boyfriend, and now Brian. My heart breaks for them. For Olivia. She didn’t deserve this, and I can’t help but think this could’ve all been avoided if I never became her friend. But it’s not true. The bad stuff didn’t happen because of me. It happened because of her brother.
Everything is going to be okay, I tell myself over and over again. But I can’t convince myself that it’s true.
My phone vibrates in my pocket. I pull it out.
Blocked ID: You’re next.
Oh, God.
My hands are shaking so hard that I drop my phone. I pull my legs against my chest and rest my face on my knees. I try to breathe, but I can’t seem to catch my breath.
I’m next.
This is it. I’m really going to die this time.
Nobody can save me.
My stomach churns, and I barely have time to put my head over the toilet before I lose it. I shake even harder, willing the pain to go away. My head is spinning.