If that voice was attached to tiny wings of gossamer, Toni was headed for the nearest whatever they called a bar in these parts and drinking until she passed out cold. And if she was still here tomorrow, she was going to do it all over again.
She’d faced far worse than this in her time—a gun brawl over a borscht dinner…her brother’s finger sent to her doorstep via UPS…the death of her neighbor—this should be cake. Yet, her reluctance to find out whom the voice belonged to was almost bigger than she was.
She didn’t want any more upheaval and surprises. She just wanted quiet. She wanted to get up every morning at six sharp, drink a cup of shitty coffee from her half-dead coffeemaker, take a dribbling, lukewarm shower in her pathetic, rundown apartment, put on her ugly pink salesclerk jacket, catch no less than three busses to the outlet mall, and hand over her pride at the door to Queen Bree.
She’d adjusted to the everyday aches and pains of normalcy and almost-poverty. They were startlingly different from her old life, but they were now like macaroni and cheese, comforting if nothing else. Even if her life unequivocally sucked in so many ways, she was still free. Free of most of her fear. Free of the constant tension. Free of Stas Vasilyev.
It had been that way for three years now, and she didn’t want to give it up.
Wanda gripped her arm as the ground beneath their feet suddenly boomed with footsteps. “Stay near me, Toni. No matter what, stay close,” she whispered urgently.
She totally planned to cling to Wanda as ordered for fear of what might come next. Robin Hood and his band of merry men?
Inhaling deeply, Toni turned around with Wanda’s direction just as a light snow began to fall, the flakes soft and strangely fluffier than the ones in Jersey. They fluttered in glittering, actually defined shapes to the ground, landing one after the other, forming neat piles.
“’Tis so lovely to meet ye!” the same tiny voice said with a slight brogue attached.
Through the veil of shimmering white, a creature emerged, hulking and blue—oh yes, he was blue, wearing gold shorts with red piping, attached to suspenders over a naked barrel chest.
The crowd of stunned onlookers began to back up as he made his way toward them with lumbering steps that rattled the earth, knocking snow from trees and leaving a deep path in his wake.
He held out a very blue hand and grinned, flashing white teeth the size of small tombstones. “Dannan The Ogre, if yer wonderin’. Nice to meet ye,” he said, his helium-like voice a gross, almost comical understatement to his size.
Ogres. Didn’t ogres eat people?
“Holeee shitballs,” Nina uttered, shoving Marty behind her. Which, had Toni time to think about it, was in stark contrast to the way she’d nearly bitten Marty’s head off just moments ago.
“No need to fear,” Dannan said affably, as though he wasn’t easily ten feet tall with feet the size of fishing boats. Leaning down, he peered at Toni. “Whass yer name, lass?”
“Inedible?” she asked with a wince, nipping at her lower lip.
He chuckled, light and airy and remarkably like he’d sucked a balloon full of helium. “You’re frightened, are ye, maiden?”
Toni shivered, not just because she was scared, but because he’d used the word “maiden” in conjunction with her—which was utterly laughable. “Should I speak the truth?”
“Please do.”
“Ye is petrified.”
With one finger, he patted her shoulder, the heavy weight of it not unpleasant. In fact, it was soothing and gentle. “I understand completely.”
“Absolutely no insult intended.”
He bounced his round head covered in spikes of snow-white, bushy hair. “Duly noted.”
Nina was the first to approach him, and even she did so with caution. “So, where are we again, Papa Smurf?”
“It’s—”
“Yeah, yeah. I heard you, Dannan The Ogre. Now where the hell are we?”
“Shamalot, o’ course. Ye be deep in the heart of the Not So Sherwood Forest.”
Duh.
Nina rolled her tongue along the inside of her cheek. “And we got here how, Blue Man Crew?”
“Again, I remind ye, pale lady, ’tis Dannan The Ogre. And I know not how ye came to be, but I think one of ye merry wenches wished yerself here. That’s usually how it works. In the process, ye have managed to effectively end the drunken adventures of the Mildly Irritated Witch of the East.”
Toni’s finger shot up in the air as she stared skyward, still unable to look at the body Dannan pointed to. “Are there any flying monkeys in this scenario?”
Dannan cocked his enormously round head, the trumpet-like ears on either side of his face fluttering. “Flying what, lass?”
Wanda The Soother, as Toni was secretly beginning to refer to her, smiled up at Dannan. “Can you explain the ‘wishing ourselves’ here you mentioned? Because I can’t remember ever wishing myself to a place like this. A quiet, padded cell sans my friends Nina and Marty? Yes. A warm, tropical beach—just me and my man all alone with nothing but the sound of the surf? Absolutely. But a place called Shamalot in a dress so tight my eyeballs are bulging and my ribs have realigned themselves to fuse with my spine? Never.”
Wished yourself here. Dannan’s words plucked a memory in Toni’s brain.
The one where she wished she were anywhere but the outlet mall?
No. Nuh-uh.
Crap, crap, crap. She really was responsible for them landing here.
But there was no time to dwell on how horrible she was for the boom of thunder and the sharp crack of lightning.
“Aye, lass, ye’ve done it now,” Dannan mumbled at Toni as a streak of pink and white light crisscrossed through the sky.
Panic raced up Toni’s spine. “Done what?”
Dannan’s blue face was somber with a hint of irritation. “Brought upon us the annoyingly cheerful hospitality, sprinkled with pecan dust and just a hint of fried goose, of Bren—”
“Haaay, gurls, hay!” A southern drawl, lilting and sticky-sweet, touched Toni’s ears just as a beautiful woman floated to the ground—right from the sky. From. The. Sky.
She landed lighter than a feather, gliding to a full stop, her white, bell-shaped skirt wafting down around her in a cloud of dreamy glitter. She, too, had wings, just like the trio of women, but hers were enormous and gorgeously complex, as though they’d been embroidered with silk threads.
With a wand of glowing silver in her hand, her platinum locks blowing behind her and teased to a mind-blowing mound at the back of her head, she grinned and winked at them.
Toni fought a hysterical scream and moved in closer to Wanda—who still remained outwardly unfazed. Even though, compared to Dannan anyway, this new addition looked harmless, the pile of oddities was finally ganging up on her.
“Howdee and welcome to Shamalot, y’all! I’m Brenda, the Good Witch of the South, and I’da baked a pie had I known you were payin’ a visit to my neck o’ the woods! So, let me be the first to welcome you ladies as honorary members of the League of Fairy Godmothers! We’re an esteemed group of women hell-bent on spreadin’ love and happily-ever-afters like soft butter on a pecan muffin!”
Now Marty tilted her head as the snow pelted her face and the cold left her cheeks rosy. “League of Fairy Godmothers? Is that like a bowling team? Do we get matching shirts?”
She didn’t know how to bowl. Shit. She was sunk. Toni’s breathing shuddered as her panic rose again, but Wanda gripped her fingers tighter and patted her arm.
Nina was the first to actually approach Brenda, and this time, unlike meeting Dannan, she wasn’t even a little hesitant.
Planting her hands on her hips, she sauntered toward the ethereal woman and spat, “Screw your pies and your league fairies and your HEA. Tell me how the hell we get out of here—”
“What Nina means to say is, thank you for the lovely welcome. Fab dress. Thumbs up on the big, big hair. Now, how the hell do we get out of here?” Marty asked pleasantly, l
ooping her arm through Nina’s and smiling.
The beautiful woman tucked her wand under her armpit then clasped her hands together just under her chin and chuckled, her laughter echoing all around them in shards of muted sound.
“Well, bless your hearts! Feelin’ a little out of sorts after your trip, are ya, Puddin’?”
Nina popped her lips and rolled her shoulders. With a crack of her knuckles, she said, “I’m feeling ridiculous in this GD ball gown. Not to mention I can hardly hold my head up with this frickin’ hairdo, and I have wings. Wings. Now ante up, Princess Puffy. Because I wanna go home.”
Brenda shot Nina a smile that was not only stunning but meant to pacify. “Aw, darlin’, you do know what they say about big hair, don’t ya? The higher the hair, the closer to your maker.” She used her wand to punctuate her point by tipping it skyward.
“You know what they say about vampires, don’t ya? The angrier you make me, the closer I come to sending your lifeless carcass to your maker,” Nina mocked in a ridiculous imitation of Brenda’s drawl.
Marty instantly yanked one of the massive curls falling from the top of Nina’s head and down along her back. “Shut up,” she ordered from stiff lips. “We don’t know what we’re dealing with here, Elvira. This isn’t Jersey anymore. Now, zip it!”
Wanda again intervened, dragging a stiff, reluctant Toni with her. “Brenda, it’s lovely to meet you. Truly. However, we have families to return to back…back in our homeland—or whatever. We have people who’ll miss us, is what I’m saying. So while this visit has been absolutely incredible and your village is delightful, we really do need to get home. So, if you’d kindly tell us what the fairy godmother league means in relation to us and how we get home, Brenda, we’d be very grateful.”
Brenda used her silvery wand with the big ball on the end to point at each of the women, a serene smile on her face. “In order to leave this realm, y’all each have a job, and with that job you have to complete a task.”
“A task?” Wanda repeated, her eyes blank.
Brenda nodded, her smile still glowing. “Uh-huh.”
Nina snorted, her defensive stance returning. “Lay off the coy games and get to the frickin’ point. Tell us what we have to do to leave your theme park in clear, concise terms without all the pomp and bullshit, or I’m going to deflate that big, poofy hairdo of yours. Go. Now.”
Brenda literally floated toward Nina, capturing her eyes with a hard stare. “I’m doin’ my best to be hospitable to you, bein’ a stranger in a strange land and all, Buttahcup, but you’re makin’ my goodwill as shaky as a newborn thoroughbred. Just so’s ya know, I can turn you into a toad just like that.” She snapped her fingers in Nina’s face.
Nina growled, flashing those freaky teeth once more.
And again, Wanda intervened, stepping between the two women, Toni still latched onto her arm while she watched in silent fascination.
“Please, forgive Nina’s crass, pseudo-sociopathic behavior and deal directly with me from here on out. What’s our task, Brenda, and what does being an honorary member of the League of Fairy Godmothers have to do with it?”
Brenda’s face changed, going from dark to light. “Everyone who enters the realm of Shamalot has to give back, and I’m in charge of assignin’ y’all a job according to your aura’s mental state, if you will. Then you have to complete your assignment before you can go before King Dick and ask him to grant your wish to leave.”
“Our auras?” Toni squeaked. What kind of mumbo jumbo crazy business was this?
“Yep! So here’s what ya gotta do, Red,” she said, winking at Toni. “You have a journey to go on with a pair of to-die-for shoes. They belong to the king, and he’s gonna spit bricks when he realizes they’re gone from Castle Beckett.”
“Shoes?” everyone repeated in unison, their heads swiveling on their necks.
Shoes. Toni gulped some cold air. There were going to be flying monkeys, she just knew it.
Brenda bobbed her head before anyone had time to process her words and swirled her wand in the air, creating a puff of pink and white smoke just before she pointed in the direction of the body Toni had landed on.
And then she aimed that glittery stick of mayhem at Toni’s feet.
The atmosphere stilled for a moment, growing thick with the scent of gladiolas, the white haze of snowflakes slowing to almost a stop. Quite suddenly, Toni’s feet felt heavy, as though they were weighted down by cement, forcing her to stumble forward.
Wanda grabbed for her, righting her by throwing an arm around her waist and encouraging Toni to lean against her.
But then Wanda gasped. In fact, everyone gasped.
“PleasesayIdon’thavetheshoesonpleasesayIdon’thavetheshoeson!” Toni squeaked out, too afraid to confirm her deduction.
“Okay, so you have the shoes, but look on the bright side,” Marty chirped, rubbing Toni’s arm, her sky-blue wings thumping swiftly. “They’re fabulous. I mean, they match your dress like a dream, all purple and sparkly. Love!”
The day’s events welled up inside Toni, sitting square in her chest, overwhelming her, constricting her breathing. Enough crazy was enough.
She pushed off Wanda, stumbling toward Brenda as her ankles bowed and her legs wobbled.
Blowing a stray piece of hair from her eyes, she planted her hands on her hips to come off as authoritative as possible and said, “Let’s just cut to the chase, y’all. I have to take the shoes to Oz to see the wizard or a variation thereof. The guy you call King Dick, right? And along the way, shitty stuff’s gonna happen to me. A psychotic witch, on a bender to frighten even the best sociopath, is going to terrorize me, too, correct? Because all she really wants is the shoes on my feet. There’ll be fire, and rain, and psychedelic flowers, and flying monkeys. But the whole time, all I ever had to do in order to avoid the shitty stuff and the sociopathic witch was click my heels three times and say the words ‘there’s no place like home’, yes? So why don’t I just do that now and we can all part ways and be home lickety-split.”
Brenda’s face went utterly blank. She stared at Toni for a moment. But then her lips returned to that annoyingly happy grin. “What kinda crazy are you blowin’ out your piehole, girl? Didja hit your head on the way in? Who in tarnation’s the wizard? Never mind. No time for explanations. Your job is to take the shoes back to their rightful owner, King Dick. Because he’s the only one who can remove ’em from your feet now.”
“She stole them. Why can’t she take the shoes back?” Toni asked, pointing to the prone body with a cringe. Why had she had the shoes to begin with? What did the shoes mean?
Brenda rolled her eyes as though the answer was obvious. “Well, duh. Because she’s drunker than a coon who fell in a barrel o’ hootch, that’s why. The effects’ll last for days. Maybe even a whole month.”
Some of her old spirit returned, the fighter in her rearing its ugly head. The one she’d tried desperately to muffle for three years now. “Okay, then who says I have to be the one to take them back?”
Brenda’s next words were petulant, as though Toni had dared defy her edict and she wasn’t going to stand for it. “Said me, Sugar.”
Toni shook her head and might have followed up with a stomp of her feet, but the heels were at least four inches and the ground was icy. “No. That’s not good enough. I want an explanation.”
“Tough cream puffs. You want out, you gotta do your time in the realm,” Brenda said, that beautiful smile still wreathing her pink lips. Then she turned to Nina, Marty and Wanda. “Now, y’alls? Your job is like findin’ a John Deere in your garage after your lawnmower just sputtered its last breath! You have to help Toni get to the castle and return the shoes, because that’s where she’ll find her happiness. Which is what we fairy godmothers do best. Shower folks with happiness. So, your job as honorary members is to get your girl here to Castle Beckett by Christmas Eve. And you three will have limited use of those special powers you got. Otherwise it’s cheatin’, ya hear?”
Toni closed her eyes. Special powers? She wasn’t ready to hear what their special powers entailed.
“Got any other jobs available? Like a Brenda the Good Witch of the South flayer?” Nina asked, her mouth turned downward in a sneer.
“How does honorary troll grab ya?” Brenda asked, her hand on her hip, her expression haughty.
Nina didn’t answer but she growled again, snapping at the witch.
Brenda assessed Nina for a moment, clearly unafraid before she said, “Listen, the realm assigns jobs according to your aura, and somehow, Cranky Pants, the realm thinks you should be a fairy godmother, one who helps a nice girl who needs some happiness in her life get to the castle. I don’t make up the jobs, I just assign ’em, Sugar.”
“Why can’t I just take the shoes off and give them to you to take to this King Dick? You two seem tight.” Toni planted a hand on Wanda’s bare shoulder to steady herself and rubbed her toes along the back of one shoe to push it off, only to find it wouldn’t budge.
“Because you need a J-O-B, Sugarlumps. You can’t be a fairy godmother; your aura’s all wrong for that at this point in your life. They stay on until you get to the castle, and that’s just that,” she said with another infuriatingly radiant smile.
Because of course it couldn’t be that simple, more panic seized her as she struggled to remove the shoes again, to no avail.
“And the woman who was wearing them? Uh, the Mad and Irate Witch of Whatserville? What’s her gig?” Wanda asked with a frown.
“The Mildly Irritated Witch of the East, darlin’,” Brenda corrected. “She’s my big sister, by the by. Got downright snockered on some thistleberry wine at the winter ball last week and stole the daggone shoes. Can you even imagine the hootin’ and hollerin’ over that scandal?”
“The horror,” Nina groused, brushing her many layers of yellow skirt out of the way of her long legs.
“Exactly!” Brenda agreed, punctuating her point with her wand. “Any ol’ way, she put ’em on and took off. Couldn’t find her anywhere! Musta been holed up with that cute blacksmith she was chattin’ up at the ball. Knew I should have checked there first.”
Accidentally Ever After (Accidentally Paranormal Novel Book 11) Page 3