D&P20 - Death's Jest-Book

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by Reginald Hill


  Suppose the serpent coronet came to him as part of the dot of the Brigantian princess that he married (such alliances were not uncommon in the older Romano-British families), and suppose that, though the Hoard was lost beyond recall in flight from God knows what peril, he or his children survived and flourished and founded the family of which this undeserving scion, sixteen centuries later, was permitted to hold this symbol of that union?

  Then someone took the coronet from me and I was back in the world of reality.

  'Two snakes intertwined. Good symbol for the Belchamber family’ said Pascoe.

  'You see how completely obsessed he seems to be with the Hoard and in particular the coronet?' said Wield. 'So it's no surprise to find him really pissed off when he hears it's going to America. Here's the second article, the one that got Edwin going.'

  Pascoe scanned it quickly. In measured prose whose orotundity did not disguise real feeling, it expressed huge indignation that a weak and time-serving government should allow such treasures as these to leave the country. It concluded:

  My professional work brings me in contact with all sorts and conditions of men who have committed all sorts and conditions of crime, but rarely have I confronted an action as criminal as this. As a lawyer I must take care how I describe the family who propose it and the politicians who permit it, but I will say that, though of course I subscribe to that basic tenet of our legal system that every accused is entitled to a defence, I think that I personally would draw the line at defending such as these.

  That's really telling them’ said Pascoe. 'It certainly is. Which makes it odd that he's made it up with the Elsecars since then. Giving lectures and helping them arrange this tour’

  'The aim of which is to help raise enough money to keep it here’ said Pascoe. 'Which is what he wants’

  'Oh aye. That's what he wants right enough’ said Wield. 'But anyone who can add up knows there's not a cat in hell's chance of making enough from admission fees to get anywhere near the Yanks' price’

  Pascoe hid a smile, recognizing that what he was now alleging everyone knew the sergeant had probably not even thought of until a couple of hours ago.

  He said, 'So what you're saying is, the reason Belchamber threw his weight behind this tour is because he wants the Hoard out in the open where he can get his hands on it? That's a big leap, Wieldy. This is Belchamber we're talking about, the guy who doesn't fart without studying precedent’

  'Guy gets an obsession, he'll do anything’ said Wield a little pointedly. 'And he's an arrogant bastard, that's clear. Put the feeling you get in both those pieces with his change of heart, then add what Lee overheard

  'You could be right, Wieldy. If so ... Look, has Lubanski told you everything, do you think? Or is he holding something back to get more Brownie points from you later?'

  'I think he's told me everything’ said Wield, his worries reawoken by mention of Lee's name. 'You know that Belchamber's here?'

  'Yeah. I met him outside, brought him in. We had a nice chat, but I don't think he's forgiven me for what I said to him after young Linford's committal. Seems he's representing some guy Uniformed just brought in on a smuggling illegals charge.'

  'I know. Asif. He runs Turk's caff. I was there when they nicked him.'

  'You mean, with Lubanski?'

  'Yeah.'

  Pascoe digested this, saw the worry in Wield's eyes, guessed its source.

  'Ah. But this Asif doesn't know you're a cop, I presume?'

  'Didn't till Hector opened that great gob of his. Yon bugger's not fit to be let out!'

  It was rare that Wield expressed his opinion of a fellow policeman so forcibly.

  'But is there anything to make you think Asif might know of the link between Lubanski and Belchamber? Not likely, is it?'

  The phone rang. Pascoe ignored it. Sorting Wield was his priority at the moment.

  Not that Wield looked ready to be sorted.

  'You know as well as I do, Pete, that a lot of stuff we have to pay good money for can be common knowledge if you move in the right circles. Lee knew Turk was into smuggling illegals, for instance. No, he didn't give me a tip, it was just a joke he made that I took no notice of. He assumed everyone knew! Pete, just now you said you met Belchamber and escorted him in. But I saw him a few minutes ago in the car park . . .'

  Pascoe picked up his phone and spoke briefly to the desk sergeant.

  Putting the receiver down he said, 'Yes. They're waiting for some hotshot to arrive from Immigration. Belchamber had a couple of minutes alone with Asif then came out. Seems he'd left something in the car. Went out for it, came back. That's when you must have seen him.'

  Wield digested this, didn't care for the flavour.

  The bastard was on his car phone. Shit, I don't like this.'

  Pascoe, concerned to see his usually phlegmatic friend so agitated, said, 'Come on, Wieldy. Don't make something out of nothing. What do -you think happened down there in the cells? Asif said to Belchamber, "Oh, by the way, putting aside my natural concern that I am in deep shit here banged up on suspicion of a serious offence which is why I called you, thought you might like to know I've seen that kid who sucks your dick cosying up to a cop in my caff a few times." Then the Belch takes off to his car and rings some hardmen he knows and says, "I'd like to fix up a hit on Lee Lubanski, action immediate." Is that what you're thinking, Wieldy?'

  If he'd thought to mock the sergeant out of his concern, he'd miscalculated.

  'You're a mind-reader, Pete,' said Wield savagely. Tell me why I'm wrong.'

  'Because this is Mid-Yorkshire, not the Mid-west. Because a guy like Belchamber might not be too chary about the way he makes his money, but the civilized, respectable face he shows is more than just a face. He may do a lot of things, but I doubt he's capable of having another human being killed!'

  'Pete, you're missing the point. Men who use boys the way Belchamber uses Lee don't think of them as human beings. They're toys. That's how he feels able to carry on talking about his business on the phone with Lee there. He's negligible. He has a function and outside that function he doesn't exist. And if it turns out he does, then all that that means is this particular toy is broken, so you throw it away and get a new one!'

  Wield's voice had climbed close to shouting level by the time he finished and Pascoe was staring at him in alarm when Dalziel's voice boomed from the doorway.

  'What's all this then? Lovers' tiff? Have some consideration, eh? There's folk trying to sleep in this building.'

  Quickly Pascoe explained.

  The Fat Man listened intently then said, 'So what are you hanging around here for, Wieldy? Go and find the lad. Offer him protection, and if he don't want protected, put him in protective custody and bring him in. Off you go, chop-chop.'

  Wield didn't hesitate. It wasn't permission he needed, just affirmation that he wasn't letting his emotions run away with his reason.

  Dalziel closed the door behind him and turned to Pascoe.

  'I hope this lad's worth all the bother. Come up with owt interesting this morning, did he?' he asked.

  Pascoe filled him in and showed him the two articles. The Fat Man read them with little sign of interest then said, 'So what garden path's this stuff leading us up then?'

  Pascoe, knowing from experience that Dalziel's dumb-ox reaction was usually a provocation to precise exposition, marshalled his thoughts and said, 'We have two things. DI Rose's tip that something big is being planned which straddles South's patch and ours, and Lee Lubanski's report of stuff he's overheard while servicing Belchamber. Conversations involving possibly Mate Polchard and certainly Linford also point to something being planned which may well be the job in question. Puzzle: why is Belchamber involved at the criminal end instead of merely standing by in readiness in case he's needed at the legal end? Possible answer: because he himself initiated the job.'

  'The job being heisting this Hoard thing 'cos, like a good little patriot, he wants to save it for England?' said
Dalziel, sounding like the Pope being told God was a woman.

  'I'd say from these articles that that was certainly his initial reaction. Something had to be done, anything was worth doing, to keep the Hoard in the country. But at some point, perhaps as he began to realize the appeal to the country for money and to the Elsecars for patriotic sacrifice was going to fail, he began to ask himself, does the country deserve to have the Hoard saved for it?'

  'And his answer was . .. ?'

  'No, it doesn't because it doesn't value its heritage sufficiently. I, on the other hand, do. So why not save it for myself? But how to do it? And now his years of crawling in the mud with the pondlife come in useful. He needs experts, he knows where to find them, and he knows how the system works.'

  'Which system's that?'

  'The finance system,' said Pascoe impatiently. Sometimes the Fat Man took his dumb elenctic act too far. 'He needs the best. Also he wants to keep control. He's not offering a share of profits. This is not a profit-making job. So this means paying top dollar. I don't know what level of remuneration gets Polchard out of bed these days, but I expect it's a little over the National Minimum Wage. And, profits or not, Mate will be well aware of the notional value of the stuff he's being asked to heist.'

  'So why not go for it himself?'

  'Because he's a cash man. Because he knows how hard it would be to move stuff like this. And also because he knows that Belchamber's often been the only thing between him and a lot more years in the Syke.'

  Gratitude, you mean?' said Dalziel sceptically.

  ‘No. Chess. Sacrifice everything except your queen.'

  'So why bring in Linford? Belchamber must be pretty well heeled.'

  'Certainly. But with most of it well tied up. Also, he doesn't want to draw attention to himself by the sudden realization of assets. So he turns to Linford, who is expert in the supply of large quantities of used banknotes.'

  'He'll want payback with interest.'

  'He'll get it from the profits.'

  'Thought you said there weren't going to be any profits? Thought the idea was Belch would keep the Hoard in his cellar and go down there and have a wank from time to time.'

  'No. If you read his articles, the first one, a large part of the Hoard consists of golden coin, hugely valuable but by its nature hardly unique. I don't think he'd have any problem moving most of this. Also I suspect that, in terms of personal ownership, what he really lusts after is the snake coronet. A lot of the other stuff he might be very willing to share with similar bent collectors for a price.'

  'And you and Wieldy got all this from someone making some crack about the Belch wearing a crown?' said Dalziel sceptically.

  'There's also the fact that the Hoard Exhibition is currently in Sheffield on DI Rose's patch and it's transferring up here to the Centre on January twenty-sixth.'

  'It's still a hell of a leap’ said Dalziel. 'You got a better shell-hole in mind, why don't you just jump into it?' snapped Pascoe. The Fat Man grinned with satisfaction. 'Nay, lad, you believe in it enough to get stroppy, that's good enough for me.'

  There was a tap at the door and Novello's head appeared.

  'Ah. You're both here,' she said.

  'Isn't that what I always say about Ivor, Pete? Smart as a whip,' said Dalziel.

  'Sergeant Bowman downstairs has been trying to get hold of one of you. Some Immigration official's turned up,' said Novello.

  'Oh aye. Tell 'em to sit him down and fetch him a cup of tea.' The Fat Man grinned. 'Better still, tell Bowman to get Hector to fetch him a cup of tea.'

  'Yes, sir.'

  Pascoe said, 'Shirley, I seem to recall you're an expert on saints.'

  Novello remembered Sister Angela who wielded a ruler edge-on like a broadsword if you got a detail wrong.

  'Know a bit, sir’ she said.

  'Saint Apollonia. Any connection with teeth?'

  'Yeah. She had all of hers knocked out or pulled out during her martyrdom. She's the one to pray to if you've got toothache.'

  'Thanks, that's very helpful’

  Novello left.

  Dalziel said, 'That got owt to do with owt, or have you just lost a filling?'

  'Just something I was curious about’

  'Curious is right’ growled the Fat Man. 'I hope you're not on the turn, lad. One practising Catholic in the squad's quite enough’

  'Hadn't you better go and see this Immigration chap? He's probably hopping round with a scalded crotch by now’

  Dalziel boomed a laugh and said, 'We can live in hope. If plonkers like him showed a bit more common humanity then mebbe there'd be fewer poor bastards thinking the only way they can get into the country is curled up in a truck with a lot of frozen ham. Why are you walking funny? Hurt your ankle?'

  'No, sir’ said Pascoe. 'Just trying to avoid stepping in this milk of human kindness someone's spilt all over the floor.'

  'Ha bloody ha. That's the trouble with you poncy liberals. Think you've cornered the market in heart.'

  ‘Talking of which, sir, do you really think Wieldy's right to be concerned about Lubanski?'

  'Shouldn't imagine so,' said Dalziel.

  'Then why did you send him to look for the lad?'

  ' 'Cos if we're going to start taking this Hoard thing seriously, I wouldn't mind half an hour with the little scrote myself, see what he really knows. This seemed as good a way as any to get Wieldy to bring him in without coming over all maternal. Can't abide to see a grown man crying, that's always been my trouble. So stop worrying, he'll be back with his likely lad in half an hour and then I'll really give the young sod something to suck on!'

  But for once Andy Dalziel was wrong.

  More than an hour had passed before Wield returned, and he was alone.

  'He wasn't at his address, I checked out I all the other likely spots and there was no sign. Someone thought they might have seen him getting into a car, but couldn't be sure.'

  'There you are then,' said Pascoe reassuringly. 'Off with a punter.'

  'It's the middle of the sodding day!'

  'Come on, Wieldy! What's that got to do with anything? OK, maybe it was a mate who picked him up. Your witness said "getting into a car", not "being dragged" into it. So wherever he is, he's gone willingly and I don't doubt he'll be back in his own good time.'

  Dalziel returned from dealing with the happily unscalded Immigration official.

  'Not a bad fellow,' he opined. 'Mad eyes and shoulders on him like an ox. Don't know if that influenced Aiif, but he were real co-operative. Put his hand up like teacher's pet. Likely that call Belch made from his car were to whoever's behind Turk. Belch and him had had a word, Turk wanted to know what the deal was if he look the rap, Belch passes the word. Up goes Turk's kand and the buck stops there.'

  Wield said, 'Let's hope you're right.' But he didn't sound very hopeful.

  And when six o'clock arrived with still no sign of Lubanski, he reembraced his first theory with renewed passion.

  'I think k's time we had a word with Belchamber’ he said forcefully.

  'And what's he going to say? Yes, I fixed for Lee to be kidnapped? Get real, Wieldy.'

  'Depends how you put the question’ said Wield grimly.

  Pascoe and Dalziel exchanged glances.

  The Fat Man said, 'I can see it's an attractive notion, Wieldy, taking Belch somewhere quiet and kicking his guts till he spills them. But you'd have to go all the way and kill him 'cos if there's one person a good cop doesn't want coming after him with a complaint, it's Marcus Belchamber.'

  Pascoe, seeking a less basic appeal, said, 'More importantly, if you're wrong about this, and Belchamber's got no reason to think Lee has been grassing him up, you could be dropping Lee right in it, plus we'll have shown our hands in a big way.' .

  Wield considered this then said, 'Let's say you're right. So why's Lee vanished?'

  'Simple’ said Dalziel. 'You warned him that what he was doing could be dangerous, right? Told him to take care’

/>   'Yes, but he wasn't taking a damn bit of notice’ said Wield.

  'Might give that impression, kids like him live on bravado, eh? Show you're scared in the streets and you're knackered. But he trusts you, Wieldy, everything you've said about him shows that. So you say something, it'll have sunk in. Then what happens? He's sitting with you in Turk's and suddenly the place is full of cops. I know you explain it's nowt to do with you, but even if he believes you, it's a reminder. You may be a wise old father-figure, but you're a cop as well, and he's been cosying up to you in public, and God knows who's been watching. So maybe it's time he took a little holiday. Business has been good, he's got a bit in the bank. Wouldn't surprise me if he wasn't on his way to Marbella this very moment’

  It was logical, it was persuasive. Pascoe could see Wield setting the Fat Man's hypothesis alongside everything he knew about Lubanski and getting a good match.

  Also it gave him real hope and that's a bait it takes a Beckett to spit out.

  'All right’ he said. 'You could be right. But if you're not. . ‘

  He left his threat unspoken, or perhaps he simply hadn't yet worked out the details but knew it would be the terror of the earth.

  'You really think he's on his way to Spain, sir?' said Pascoe after Wield had left.

  'Fuck knows. But for the sake of argument, let's assume he's been kidnapped. Why? 'Cos someone got worried about what he's been telling Wieldy about Belch's plan. What has he been telling Wieldy about Belch's plan? Not a lot. Most of what we think we know about it is loaves and fishes, a big meal based on a few scraps. But if they tret him like yon Saint Aspidistra you were asking Ivor about and pulled his teeth out to find out what he'd said, all they'd hear about were the scraps. And, not knowing what active imaginations Wieldy and you have got, they likely think they're still in the clear’

  'So if we are right and it's the Elsecar Hoard they're after, which is being transported here next Saturday, a week from tomorrow, that doesn't leave much time.'

 

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