In Too Deep

by Dani Collins

  Shut up and go away diary.

  Dear Diary,

  Mrs. Claude said again how it’s okay to feel sad or mad. I was mad that I had to sit in her stupid office when everyone was playing dodge ball. I told her I was writing every day. I thought she might ask me to show her, but she didn’t. I feel bad that I lied, so I’m writing, but I still don’t see how writing about Neil would make me feel better.

  Dear Diary,

  Even though Mrs. Claude told me no one is supposed to read your diary unless you say they can, I don’t believe it. That’s why I hate writing in this notebook. But I’m at the VanderKamps’ because Mama had to go to the hospital. She’s having the baby. I’m finished my homework and there’s nothing else to do. Mrs. VanderKamp keeps asking me if I want to eat. I just want to know if I have a little brother or sister. I want a little brother because it would be like Neil came back.

  Dear Wren,

  I had to see Mrs. Claude today. I asked her how come she keeps taking me out of class and she said that my teacher thinks it’s best. I think it’s dumb. But when she asked me about my diary and about Mama having you and how did I feel about it, I said I was happy I had a little sister, but I hate writing in my diary. She said maybe I would rather write letters to you. Since I hate writing to a fake invisible diaree-uh, I’m writing to you. Diaree-uh is poop. That’s what I always think when I write Dear Diary. When you’re older, you’ll read this, and you’ll laugh so hard. And I’ll say that’s what was in your diapers!

  *

  Sky snorted, then glanced at Auntie Wren, self-conscious that she’d been caught up in the dumb joke, but Auntie Wren was ignoring her. She continued reading.

  *

  Dear Wren,

  I love you so much. All you do is sleep and sometimes you cry, but then Mama asks me to hold you and give you a bottle and you settle down. I wish I didn’t have to go to school. I wish I could hold you all day. I miss Neil, but I’m glad I have you.

  Dear Wren,

  Mrs. Claude said I should tell you about Neil. She said when I’m older and I want to remember my little brother I’ll be happy I wrote down all my memories about him. One time we played hide-and-seek and he fell asleep under my bed and I couldn’t find him. Mama got mad and we were both worried. Mama went outside to call him and the neighbors came and Papa came home from work. Then Neil woke up and Papa yelled at him. I felt really bad and that’s why we’re not allowed to play hide-and-seek.

  Dear Wren,

  Mama and Papa are fighting. I hate it. Mama gave me a bottle and told me to keep you in here with me. I think you did a huge poop. It’s pretty smelly. I want to get a clean diaper, but I don’t want to go out there. I know Papa will be mad if he sees me. What do babies think about?

  Dear Wren,

  I told Mrs. Claude that I don’t mind writing letters to you and she was so happy. I don’t get what makes grown-ups happy. When I came home and told Mama that I had to see Mrs. Claude today, and she was happy that I was writing in my book, Papa said he would call the school and tell them to stop making me go see her. He said I don’t have to write in my notebook anymore. I should be happy about that, but I’m kind of sad.

  Dear Wren,

  Grandpa Snow died. We came to Michigan. It was a really long drive. Mama said we have to stay here for a couple of weeks and it doesn’t matter if I miss school. The teachers will understand. The house smells like pumpkins and ashtrays. I have to watch you while Mama and Papa clean. Mama said maybe once this house gets sold we could go on a vacation to Disneyland. Papa said he could think of ten better uses for the money. Mama said you were too small to enjoy it anyway.

  Dear Wren,

  I just found this again. Maybe I’ll start writing to you again.

  *

  Sky flipped through the rest of the notebook. All the rest of the pages were blank.

  “That’s it?”

  Auntie Wren hadn’t even finished unpacking her other suitcase in the time it took to read this.

  “Where’s the rest? I know there’s more. There has to be. Did you tear out some pages or something?”

  “No.”

  “Then why would you never show this to me before?”

  “Because it wasn’t addressed to you. It was addressed to me.” Auntie Wren was pretending she was being totally reasonable, but Sky knew the way she was refolding everything meant she was being sneaky.

  “Is there another one?”

  No answer.

  “Oh my God, you psychopathic control freak.”

  “Name-calling doesn’t put me in a sharing mood. Do you want to unpack your own case or shall I do it?”

  “That wasn’t our deal.”

  “That’s why I’m asking if you want me to do it.”

  “You know what I mean.”

  “And you know how to behave. When I see what I want to see, you’ll see what you want to see.”

  “Oh my Gawd. This is why I hate you. I’m going to look for it, you know.”

  “Is that our new deal?” Wren turned to face her and she was wearing her most serious face. The one she’d worn when she had asked, Do you really want to meet your father? “Because I respect your privacy, Sky. If you go through my things, I’ll start going through yours. Including your phone and laptop.”

  Sky’s stomach felt like it had a marble rolling around in it. Or one of those balls with the spikes all over it that gladiators threw around. She thought about the messages she had been exchanging with Tony and the number of times she had snooped through her aunt’s room. She had never found anything. Not a vibrator or wart medicine or an old photo of a boyfriend or anything. All Auntie Wren did was work and cook and clean. Her big secret was that she should have bored herself to death by now.

  “Can I at least have the other one, the baby one that’s addressed to me?”

  “I already put it in your night table.”

  Of course, she did.

  Auntie Wren turned away so she didn’t see the filthy glare Sky threw at her.

  *

  At nine thirty, Wren closed the document she’d been reading and pulled out her earbuds, then moved to plug in her laptop to charge it overnight.

  “I’m going to take our dishes to the kitchen.”

  “’Kay.” Sky was watching something with zombies. Brains and blood were flying everywhere.

  “Then we should go to bed.”

  “Seriously?”

  “It’s a school night.”

  Sky paused her show to glare at her.

  “It’s my first day of work tomorrow. I want a good night’s sleep.”

  “I’ll put it on headphones.”

  “You’re starting your summer courses tomorrow.”

  “Am I? I guess it depends how much I give a shit about my mom’s letters to you, doesn’t it?”

  Wren ignored that and gathered the plates they’d made at the buffet and brought in here to eat. In silence.

  Was she being underhanded, withholding that other diary? Hell, yes. She never would have given Sky the first one if Sky hadn’t found the baby one while they were moving and reread it, then asked her if there was another one.

  Wren wasn’t sure why she felt so defensive giving even that first one up. Maybe because Mandy’s notes to her were her only connection to her sister. Maybe because she read the signs of dysfunction and heartache between the lines of Mandy’s writing. She hated for Sky or anyone to know how pathetic her childhood had been.

  She’d read a million self-help articles and even Mandy had told her she didn’t have to put up with their father’s bipolar fits, but Wren had been Sky’s age when Mandy had said that. She hadn’t been old enough to live on her own. Not unless she wanted to live on the street or send herself into foster care. Maybe she would have made a different decision if Mandy hadn’t died, but once Sky was her responsibility, Wren had stayed at home because it was a roof and three squares. Simple math.

  Should she tell Sky all of that? Why? Maybe she was as bad as
her mother, whitewashing over the ugliness so they looked like a quiet-living, church-going family where nothing ever went wrong. But what was the point in loading Sky up with heavy family history that didn’t affect her? She wasn’t about to guilt-trip her by saying, I took you out of that. You owe me. That wasn’t her motive in keeping Sky. She loved her.

  Even when she was being a horrible little shit.

  Chapter Four

  Sure she would do homework all day. Riiight.

  Sky checked the bus schedule from Haven online. If she missed the one going south, no problem. Another one came through a few hours later that went to Seattle. She would hitchhike if she had to. She wasn’t scared.

  She put a change of clothes in her backpack, would take her phone, but not her laptop. She waited until Auntie Wren had come to check on her and made sure it looked like she was doing as she was told. Then she said nice and sarcastic, “Am I allowed to go outside for some fresh air?”

  “Fine.”

  She made sure Auntie Wren saw her come back and get a sandwich from the buffet, then go back into their room.

  Throwing the sandwich into her pack, she slipped out right away and went out the back entrance of the lodge, down the path that went between the pond and the patio and into the lane to the base. There was more traffic today, but she walked like she was supposed to be there and figured if Trigg asked, she would pretend she wanted to see him. That’s why she was here, right? To get to know him?

  What a stupid idea. Dear Diary, my aunt should have warned me that my dad would be a raging disappointment.

  When she reached the clearing, there was a brand-new, lumpy dirt road that cut down below the office trailer where they’d gone yesterday. The air smelled like Christmas from all the broken tree branches, but also like mud.

  Trigg had said something about putting a parking lot down there, she recalled. They wanted people not cars on the hill; that’s why they wanted the gravel pit road, so they could run a shuttle from town. Locals had used the track for ATVs and snowmobiles for years, he had said.

  See? She listened when it was information she needed.

  As she followed the track, a loud engine noise grew louder. A big yellow excavator was pushing dirt around. She sent a friendly wave to the driver who paused and let her go by, then she headed toward the trees on the far side.

  It was easy to find the path to the gravel pit. There was a huge sign that read, Private Property. Danger. Construction Area. Keep Out.

  She didn’t need to do her English homework to know that was, like, a metaphor for her life right now.

  She started down the path. The construction noise was still loud enough she could hear it over the music in her earbuds. The trees closed in and the air grew chilly out of the sun, but it smelled good. She pulled up her hood and walked a little faster, trying to warm up.

  She and Auntie Wren used to go for nature walks on the weekends, especially when she was fat, but Sky had started telling her she’d rather go to the mall. She didn’t know why. She was so mad at her aunt. It wasn’t just the diary or her making them move here. It was everything. The fact Auntie Wren was always telling her what to do as if she was five. Saying she respected her privacy, but always asking questions like who was she seeing at the mall and why didn’t she want to do volleyball anymore. Auntie Wren thought Tony was a creep because he was twenty when she wasn’t doing anything with him except smoking cigarettes. She wasn’t sexting or anything. She wasn’t stupid.

  She didn’t even expect to get away with this. Not really. But she wanted Auntie Wren to know she wasn’t such hot shit. She couldn’t push her around by promising a couple of letters. Auntie Wren was always like, Wait and see. Be patient. Let me think about it. She never did anything. It was infuriating.

  The construction noise cut into Sky’s thoughts, almost seeming to be getting louder over the music. A tingle came up her spine just as something ran past—

  She screamed at the same second as she realized it was Murphy. He stopped to stare, tongue hanging out in a happy doggy grin, like he was proud of himself for scaring her to death. Doofus.

  An engine stopped behind her and she turned to see Trigg on an ATV. She pushed back her hoodie and yanked out her earbuds, muscles still twitching from surprise.

  “He scared me.” She reached to pat Murphy’s head as he stood on her shoe.

  “What are you doing out here?”

  “Going for a walk.” She looked Trigg right in the eye.

  He didn’t call her a liar, just asked, “Do you have bear spray?”

  “Really?” She knew when she was being snowed.

  “The berries aren’t out yet, but the bears are.”

  She folded her arms. “You’re trying to scare me.”

  “There’s more noise here this year, so they might not come around as much. Mountain lions and wolves came through this winter, though. We caught a lynx on the surveillance cameras. Coyotes usually hang out at the lower elevations. Moose aren’t real common, either, but they’re territorial. If you come face to face with one, get running the other direction.”

  “Is that how you knew I was here? Cameras?” She latched on to the one piece of information she found most disturbing.

  “The excavator operator called to ask why there was a girl with a death wish under his bucket. It’s dangerous out here. If you want to come onto the site, ask me to bring you. Or stick to walking around the pond, but not alone. I’ll get you a can of bear spray and show you how to use it. Come on.” He backed the ATV into a space between two trees, crushing some ferns as he turned around.

  She gritted her teeth. Was he being for real? She looked into the trees, not having thought about wild animals. Auntie Wren always lectured against getting into cars with guys she didn’t know, but had never said, ‘Watch out for mountain lions.’

  Where had she even been brought to that getting eaten by wildlife was a thing she had to worry about?

  Trigg whistled for Murphy. He came bounding out of the trees. Trigg looked at her.

  Sky bit back a swear and climbed onto the seat behind him. He started back the way she’d come.

  *

  If Wren wanted to make such a big deal about maintaining custody, Trigg thought as he brought Sky back to the lodge, maybe she should actually maintain custody.

  He walked in with Sky, made sure she went into her apartment, then looked for Wren. She was tied up with Marvin and the accounting consultant, Yolanda. Whatever Wren said made the older pair laugh.

  She moved her hands as she spoke, pulling her white shirt against the side of her breast, drawing his eye to her curves. Really pretty curves.

  A noise in the dining room snapped him back from ogling, which was a good thing. Before they’d heard about Sky’s excursion into the forest, Nate had been reporting that his latest offer to the gravel pit owner had been rebuffed because Dirk’s recent offer was much higher. They were essentially in a bidding war and the owner had every incentive to watch the price go through the roof before he bothered to answer his phone again. They had to figure out a new strategy.

  He texted Rolf and Nate that he would bring back sandwiches, then went upstairs to leave Murphy with Glory.

  “I think I just caught Sky trying to run away,” he said, which dragged her attention off her monitor.

  “Really?”

  “She was walking toward the gravel pit. Her backpack was pretty full. Why would she do that? She just got here.”

  Glory shrugged. “It’s a lot for you to take in and you’re not twelve.”

  You just act like it. He waited for her to say it and when she didn’t, it cranked his frustration level up another notch. “Her aunt should be on that, don’t you think?”

  “I don’t know, Trigg. Did your mom know everything you got up to as a kid?”

  “Like that time I made one?”

  She tilted her head. “For instance.”

  He swore at the ceiling. “Why did she bring her here if she doesn’t wan
t to be here?”

  “It’s been twenty-four hours. What do you do when the bath is too hot? You back off, wait a bit, then try again, right? Because you still want a bath.”

  “What?”

  “Sorry. My characters are doing it in the tub. I gotta give them their happy ending so I can have my own. And—” she turned to fully face him, blew out a breath “—we’ve all spent the last few weeks speculating on what motivates them. They’re here now. Ask.”

  He wasn’t sure he wanted to hear the answers. That was the problem. That’s why he hadn’t asked Sky if she was running away. If she had said, ‘yes,’ what was he supposed to say to that? Okay, carry on? Or: You can’t because I want you in my life?

  Did he?

  He didn’t want to think this hard. His brain was under so much pressure, it was going to fold in on itself.

  “Is it filthy?” he asked instead.

  “This love scene I’m writing? Word for word it’s what your brother and I do every night.”

  “Why do you have to ruin everything?” Had Wren made Sky come here against her will? Or had the kid taken one look at him and decided she didn’t want anything to do with him?

  “Trigg,” Glory said gently. “It’s going to be okay. If it’s not okay yet, the story’s not over.”

  “This isn’t one of your books.”

  “No, but you’re writing your own story. Figure out what you want and go after it.”

  *

  Wren was making a few notes as she finished up her first day of work. Marvin had just left with a big smile on his face. He was going upstairs to change for his shift on the bar.

  He had introduced her around today and walked her through some basics like how to register a guest and follow the checkout procedures. He had seemed surprised she caught on so quickly, but that was what she did. She memorized fast and tried to be the first to notice if she made a mistake so she could correct it before anyone else noticed. She wasn’t perfect, or even a perfectionist. She just hated criticism.