by Dani Collins
Dear Sky,
Today I was thinking about how sad I am that I don’t have my family. My brother died, and I’m not allowed to see my sister. My mom and dad are legit crazy. Even my friend Lydia left for college and has a boyfriend there. She’s doing all the things I should be doing, starting her life. I said that at group and the lady who runs it said I did start my life and that being a mom is important. But I’m just a welfare mom who spends her whole day looking after a baby. I was feeling really awful, but then you put your hands on my cheeks and tried to eat my nose and it was so cute and made me laugh. I realized you’re my family. I love you so much.
Dear Sky,
I just found this book again. I guess I knocked it under the bed and forgot all about it. I used to do the same with Wren’s. The funny thing is she didn’t know she had a book either. I just like writing to a real person.
Dear Sky,
You said Ma today. You knew it was me and everything. It was super cute. I thought I better write down that you are ten months old. You also have eight teeth and probably are getting more because all you do is drool. The lady at group said I should think about weaning you and get you out of my bed, but we both sleep better this way. Sometimes I want to ask the lady at group if she has a baby herself and does she even know what it’s like to be a single mom who isn’t old enough to drink?
Dear Sky,
Please don’t die. Neil got really sick and he died. Then Wren got really sick one time and it was the only time that Mama said I wasn’t allowed to hold her. She had an awful cough. I came to the doctor right away when you started to sound the same. I know you’re really sick. They gave you medicine and said I should bring you back if your fever spikes again. They said they would admit you if that happened. I don’t think I could go home without you. Get better. I love you.
Dear Sky,
Dear God, what did you eat at daycare? Your diaper stank so bad I had to take it all the way down to the garbage. Now we’re at the park and I still have that stench in my nostrils. I hope the apartment airs out by the time we get back. You’re having fun trying to catch the birds. I found this notebook still in my purse from when you were in the hospital. I’m so glad you’re better. I was really scared when you were sick. I remember thinking I needed Wren. Now I’m sitting here wishing she was here, even though it’s just a nice day and nothing is wrong. I wish I could share you with her.
Dear Sky,
I’m sorry I had to work. I think you’re getting sick again and that’s why you cried when I dropped you off. Usually you’re fine with it. Now I’m sitting here on my lunch and my sandwich tastes like guilt. I wish the other girls I work with had kids, but they’re all like, Aren’t you happy to be out of the house? Sometimes I am, but I miss you. Then this gross guy who was a customer asked me if I wanted to go for dinner. I said I have a baby. He walked away really fast and that made me think about what a good creep repellent you are. Sorry. That sounds mean, but it made me laugh.
Dear Sky,
My boss asked me today about the father of my baby and where is he and stuff. I wanted to tell him it was none of his business but I said your dad didn’t want you just so he would go away and not ask. But it made me think that one day you would ask me and I’ll have to tell you I was planning to have an abortion. Not because I didn’t want you, but because I knew my mom and dad would freak out and make me give you up for adoption. They—
Dear Sky,
You were really sick today and couldn’t go to daycare so I have to stay home. I just phoned into work and they fired me. Men are the worst. Remember that.
*
Sky flipped back and forth. The notebook was a spiral one so there was no way to tell for sure, but… “You ripped out some pages.”
“No, I didn’t,” Auntie Wren said, not even looking at her.
“Yeah, you did. I can tell.”
“I didn’t.”
“You’re such a liar.”
Auntie Wren turned her head. “Skylar. I didn’t rip out any pages. Your mother did.”
“Why?”
“For reasons of her own.” She turned her nose back to her laptop.
“You’re lying.”
“I’m not.”
Sky didn’t believe her.
*
Dear Sky,
I felt bad when I had to leave you at the new daycare. You cried, but I think I like this new job. They pay me better and the daycare is right around the corner. Maybe it’s good you got sick and I got fired. Okay here comes another customer. I have to stop. I love you. Later, baby.
Dear Sky,
When you get old enough to like boys, think really hard about whether having sex is a good idea. I would never give you back, but all the girls at work go out on Friday night. They party and I always have to say I can’t go because I have to go home to my little girl. I feel like my mom who never knew how to have fun. She wouldn’t even sit to color a picture with me the way I do with you. She would always say she had to do the dishes or go to church.
Sometimes I think even if I did go out with my friends from work, I would only have sex and get pregnant again and the dad wouldn’t be around and my life would be twice as hard. I don’t know what the answer is. I wish I had gotten a better education so I could get a better job, though. I wish I had more money. Definitely more money.
Dear Sky,
You’re starting to talk a lot. Your voice is really cute and people always smile when they hear you. Except a lot of the time you say no. Then you have a total meltdown in the store and people look at me like why can’t that mother control her child? One lady thought I was your nanny. I was like, yeah, this is the worst kid I’ve ever had to look after. Sorry, baby. I thought it was funny, though.
Dear Sky,
Today I was thinking about when I first started writing in my diary and how much I hated it. Then I started writing to Wren and now I write to you. Maybe one day I’ll write to my future husband.
Dear future husband,
Where are you? I’m waiting.
Dear Sky,
Why do I think I need a husband? That’s the kind of thing my mother taught me to think. I talked to Lydia about it and she said her mom’s uterus would kidnap mine into an intervention if she knew I thought I needed a husband to get by. But I think it would be easier if it wasn’t just me.
Dear Sky,
Happy birthday, baby. You’re two years old now. There are so many things I wish I could give you. Mostly I wish I could give you your auntie Wren. Also your uncle Neil, which is weird to think of him as an uncle because he was just a little boy when he died. But at least Auntie Wren is possible. One time I phoned our old number, but it said not in service. I’m not surprised, but I’m disappointed.
Dear Sky,
You’re being the worst today. I put you in your room and you’re just screaming and screaming. I’m sure the neighbors think I’m killing you. I’m hoping you’ll cry yourself to sleep, but I’m starting to think you’ll turn into one of those fire-starter babies and explode the whole apartment. Either way would be a win right now.
Dear Sky,
It’s been a long time since I wrote to you, mostly because Wren has been coming to see us. I’ve been talking to her and writing to her when she goes home. I feel like there’s a lot to catch up on with her. But I think you should know that I asked Lydia’s mom how to make Wren your guardian. She’s not old enough and nothing will happen to me. Don’t worry. But Lydia’s mom is always nagging me about things like this.
So I said if anything happened to me that I would want you to be with Wren. I don’t want you to go to a foster home, even though I don’t really want you to go to the house where I grew up either. Lydia is a good friend and I love her a lot, but she’s still at school and it’s a lot to ask of her. Her mom travels a lot so she’s not really an option.
Wren already loves you as much as I do, though. I thought she would never forgive me, but she just missed me, same as I missed her.
Maybe it sounds funny that I think it would make her happy if you lived with her, since I complain about how much hard work you are. Sometimes I feel like I want to cry because I love you so much. I want Wren to feel loved like that.
*
Barf, Sky thought. She did not love Wren like that. Sorry, Mom.
“Why did my mom think you wouldn’t forgive her?”
“Because she left.” Auntie Wren kept her eyes on her laptop.
“I still don’t get why you didn’t message her on Facebook, even if Granddad disapproved.” Of course, this was Auntie Wren. She was such a baby about breaking rules. Oh, no, she might have been grounded and wouldn’t have been able to go to the library to study for extra credit.
“We didn’t have a computer. I had to use the one at the school and I looked a couple of times, but Mandy only had a pay-as-you-go phone so her work and daycare could call her. She didn’t have a Smartphone so she didn’t bother setting up a profile.”
Auntie Wren hadn’t set one up until Sky had begged her to let her set up her own. She’d made one for both of them, then followed Sky to creep on her.
“You’re so weird.”
“Yup,” Auntie Wren agreed.
*
Dear Sky,
This is what you scribbled today, when I gave you crayons and told you to write to Santa. You don’t know what that means, but that’s okay. He’ll still come. I’m trying to figure out how to have Christmas with Wren, even if it’s on the wrong day. Until I had you, I never had Christmas. Not the kind with presents. Just the kind where we went to church at midnight. I can’t get you all the things I want to, but I found some stuff at the thrift store and there was a cute top I got for Wren. I know she’ll say she can’t take it and I should keep it for myself, because she doesn’t want our parents to know she’s seeing me, but even if she just has fun opening it and likes it, that will be okay.
Dear Sky,
I know you’re scared, living with people you don’t know. I promise I’ll do the best I can. We don’t have to stay with Nana and Granddad forever. One day, I’ll give you this notebook so you can get to know your mom. For now, I’m going to ask Aunt Lydia to keep it with some other stuff that belonged to your mom. She’ll make sure you get it if anything ever happens to me. I love you. Auntie Wren.
*
Sky closed the book and sighed nice and loud with plenty of exasperation. She wanted to point out to Auntie Wren that, once again, she was forcing her to live with people she didn’t know. Was this really the best she could do? Really?
She threw the diary into her nightstand, slammed the drawer and got ready for bed.
Chapter Six
Starting a new job was never easy, but it said a lot that the easiest part of Wren’s week was when she was going over the employee manual with Marvin and the barista piped in with a remark on the fraternization clause.
“Glory calls that the Don’t Frigg Trigg rule. Goes double for managers.” Lina chuckled heartily before she realized she was the only one laughing.
Was it a blessing that the dining room was empty except for the gal prepping the cold buffet with fresh ice, staring with horror, and Skylar, sitting at a table doing her homework where Wren could keep an eye on her?
Lina didn’t know she was talking about Sky’s dad, but when Marvin cleared his throat and said, “Lina,” she realized how out-of-place the remark was and flushed.
“Sorry.” She got back to work.
“There was a theft last February,” Marvin said in an undertone to Wren, still bright red with embarrassment. “Our previous manager obtained some information from Trigg…”
In the bedroom, Wren presumed.
“Glory mentioned that,” she assured him, skimming past the lurid details with a blithe smile.
But she couldn’t help dwelling on the fact Trigg wasn’t just a player online and in Europe. Clearly he had cut a swathe through the local game as well.
Wren didn’t look down on hookup culture, but she didn’t subscribe to it. She liked sex, but didn’t want to be intimate with a stranger and rarely had time for dating and getting to know someone. Even when she did, she found that dinners and snuggling were pleasant, but she didn’t enjoy talking about the things you were supposed to talk about when you were close to someone. Silences grew longer, conversations more stilted. She wound up moving in and out of sexual relationships—pun intended—fairly quickly.
As for hooking up with Trigg, fun as it might sound in the shower, she was screamingly aware that the caustic tween she was raising was the result of Trigg’s well-exercised gonads. She wouldn’t dare risk unleashing another like it on the world. She was a responsible citizen. So, Marvin, you dear old dear, watch me exceed all your previous managers’ standards on this front as well.
Later that day, she picked up an email from Lydia informing her that Sky had been in touch, wanting to know about the missing pages from Mandy’s diary. I told her that’s something she has to take up with you. Sorry to throw you under the bus.
Wren was flatter than road kill these days. One more bus wouldn’t make a lick of difference.
About that time, Sky came back from walking Murphy with Trigg and Wren did a spit take with her water. “Where are your pants?”
“What?” Sky peeled off the hoodie that had been tied around her waist when she had left. “I’m wearing shorts.”
They were from two years ago, before her growth spurt. Sky also wore a T-shirt, but it was snug and ended at her navel, not hiding the micro-shorts at all. “Don’t wear them in public again.”
“Seriously? You kids get off my lawn.” Sky shook a fist.
Maybe she did sound like her mother, freaking out that a kneecap was visible. Wren didn’t mean to, but that wasn’t why she closed her mouth on the topic. Sky was still sensitive about her body, worried she would become chubby again. She didn’t need to start feeling sexualized on top of it. Wren would just throw those things away the first chance she got.
Glory came by the next evening and said Trigg was tied up at the base. She was walking Murphy if Sky still wanted to come. Sky had curled her lip at spending time with Glory, but went because she liked the dog.
By Thursday, Vivien was asking if Sky was doing homework or gaming. Gaming, of course, but short of putting her hands over Sky’s fingers on the keyboard, Wren didn’t know how to make her do her homework. At least she knew where she was all day—sulking in the dining room.
On Thursday afternoon, Vivien tried to get Sky to try on some very nice hoodies and other clothes bearing the Wikinger logo. Sky’s great-grandfather had started the sports equipment corporation, Vivien explained, originally making equipment for bandy, which was still a popular hockey-like sport in Europe. He’d also made soccer balls and took a personal interest in bobsleighs and skeletons, enjoying the sport into his seventies. Vivien had helped Rolf and Trigg’s father, Oskar, expand Wikinger into the global corporation it was today. Vivien seemed very loyal to the brand and Wren would gladly take one of every color in their yoga-wear line.
Sky showed zero enthusiasm as Vivien laid the pieces on tables in the lounge.
The way Vivien oversold the running shorts, with its gathered waistband and loose overlay with slits up the sides, had Wren thinking she wasn’t the only one who had noted Sky’s attire the other day as inappropriate.
“No, thanks,” Sky said, not very graciously.
Vivien looked at Wren as though she expected her to force Sky to love them. Wren was trying with Sky, but behind closed doors, her niece was even more obstinate. Wren smiled and asked if Vivien had considered converting the first-floor housekeeping storage room into the gift shop.
“I notice housekeeping stocks the second and third floor with linens, but those closets are on the far end of the lodge. The one on the first floor is close enough to the stairs and dumbwaiter, they bring up what they need as they go. I looked at the space under the main stairs, where the Christmas tree is stored. The cart would fit there i
f the door was widened. The storage closet is a tight fit for a gift shop, but you would also have the space by the landing, where people could see it from below. I was thinking you could roll out some racks of clothes for browsing during the day, then lock them in overnight?”
Vivien parted her lips with discovery and gazed across the lobby toward the stairs. “That’s not a bad idea at all. I’ll go look right now. Skylar, will you fold these and put them back in the boxes, please?”
Sky glared at Vivien’s back, not seeming impressed at how casually Vivien had conscripted her.
Wren waited until Vivien was out of earshot before she warned through clenched teeth, “Do it. Properly.”
“Why does she always call me ‘Skylar’?”
Oh, did that make her feel like people disapproved of the way she was behaving? Maybe because they did.
Wren went back to work, but kept an eye on Sky, relieved to see she took the time to look over each item of clothing before she folded it nicely and set it in the box.
Friday morning, Devon, the owner of Roadside Renovations, who had been intimidating when she had shaken Wren’s hand and said, “Nice to meet you,” marched her six-foot frame into the manager’s office and dried Wren’s mouth with her death scowl.
“Why is that jail bait girl of yours trying to hitch a ride into town with one of my guys?”
Awesome. “Thank you for letting me know. I’ll go speak to her.”
“Yeah. Tell her to stay off my worksite at the staff house, too. She’s a distraction.”
Wren had been dragged around by the ear more than once as a kid. It hurt like hell and she had never resorted to it with Skylar. But, boy, was she tempted.
“There’s nobody here my age,” Skylar complained when Wren got her into their apartment. “I just went over to see what they were doing. I didn’t know that was a crime. And why can’t I get a ride into town with someone who’s going? There’s no bus. You used to let me take one to the mall. How is this different? What am I supposed to do all day? This place is So. Boring.”