by Hart, Eve R.
“We’re here if you guys need anything,” he said, his hand lightly landing on my shoulder. It stayed there and I counted my pounding heartbeats as I looked up into his eyes.
Seven.
He held it there for seven, hard heartbeats.
Then, as his hand fell away, he leaned in like he was going to hug me or something. I waited for it. I welcomed it. I found myself needing it more than anything right now.
I even felt my eyes drift close as I waited.
But then he cleared his throat and a second later, I heard his boots crunching over the dirt and gravel as he made his way back inside of the compound.
A long breath forced itself out of my lungs as my shoulders sagged.
I quickly ducked into my car. As I turned over the ignition, I plastered a smile on my face even though there was no one around to hide my hurt from. I wasn’t going to let it get me down. It was a good day, after all. I’d gotten a job. Me. All by myself.
I was one step closer to giving Chry and myself the life I knew we deserved.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Ingram
Ky came home just in time for dinner. It had turned into a big affair. Lake and Bridget were setting the table. Brand and Cami were filling glasses with all kinds of drinks. Laurel was flying solo, which made me feel a little less out of place.
The table was full and so were the plates in front of us. Chris brought over a funny looking glass filled with a light yellowish liquid. He winked down at me before taking his place on the other side of Ky.
“Chris,” Ky ground out staring at the drink that I had not touched yet in front of me.
“Don’t start,” Chris said sternly. “She’s almost twenty and she’s not going anywhere tonight. One glass isn’t going to hurt her.”
“She’s months away from twenty. And that’s not even close to twenty-one.”
“Are you trying to throw laws around, babe?” I could see Chris’ reflection in the windows that lined the room. His brow was raised in a way that said he knew Ky would have nothing to say back to that. “It’s wine, Ingram. Try it if you want to. If not, then that’s okay too.”
Everyone began to eat and I was thankful that all eyes weren’t on me waiting to see what I would do. While Ky had dropped it, I could tell that he wasn’t all that happy about it.
Halfway through my meal, I reached for the glass, holding it the same way that I’d seen Cami and Laurel do. I took a small sip, same as they had.
“Oh, this is good,” I said drawing everyone’s attention.
It was sweet and a little bitter. Even a tiny bit fruity. And as I swallowed, it reminded me of flowers for some odd reason.
“This is one of my favorites,” Laurel said with a smile. “Well, one of my favorites now.”
I wasn’t sure what that meant but I felt like now wasn’t the time to ask.
“Nothing wrong with a decent cheap wine,” Chris added and I didn’t have to look at him to know he winked at her.
I took another small sip then set the glass back down.
“I love your tacos, Chris,” I said after I’d stuffed half of one in my mouth at once. “I missed these so much.” I moaned like I was in Heaven.
There were a few laughs and hums of agreement.
After dinner, I scooted away to get Chry ready for bed. Chris followed after me to help. I was glad because the wine had made my head feel a tiny bit swimmy.
“You feel it don’t you?” he asked with a little chuckle as he got out Chry’s pajamas.
“A little, I think,” I replied and I felt my cheeks get warm.
“The more you drink the more you feel it,” he said while giving me a pointed look.
I loved Chris. He let me experience things. He didn’t treat me like a kid. But he also had that big brother side to him.
“I think I am good with one,” I said and let out a little giggle.
Then Chris shooed me away. He loved putting Chry to bed and reading him stories until his little eyes closed for good. I didn’t mind sharing that part of my day with Chris every now and then.
The next couple of hours went by with all of us sitting around talking. I looked around feeling so much love and support. These people were my family and I was so glad that I’d found them.
I had to admit, two years ago I had been hesitant about coming here after what my grandmother had told me. She didn’t outright condone Ky’s choices and the club, but she was unsure of me making the journey here. She loved Ky, that was clear in how she talked about him. The moment she saw me, I could tell that she loved me too. Even though she didn’t know a single thing about me, she took me in right away.
That was the first time I felt real, true, unconditional love.
She held me when I cried. She talked to me when I was scared.
I would have stayed there but I knew it would have been too much for her, especially with a baby on the way. She was old and though I didn’t know what was wrong, I knew that her health wasn’t the best. That was why I’d come here to find my brother. He was my last hope. My last light in this lonely life.
It hadn’t been easy and I think at first he didn’t know what to do with me.
Chris.
If it wasn’t for Chris, I think both Ky and I would have fallen on to a dark, scary path.
The long day started to seep into my bones and I said my goodbyes. Knowing that they would all stay a while longer chatting, I didn’t feel so bad.
In my room, the darkness seemed to surround me. I could hear the low murmurs of conversations but it didn’t stop my mind from drifting off.
All my life, I had been shown and taught not to think. To go through the day blindly doing the same thing over and over again. I did the things that were expected of me without question.
I had this warped sense of how things should be. I quickly realized that it wasn’t always that way out here… in the real world.
Chris was the first to show me that women didn’t have to do all the cooking. In fact, some of them didn’t even do it at all. And some men actually liked to be in the kitchen.
My grandmother was the first to show me that love was supposed to be unconditional.
Ky was the first to show me that no matter what I’d done or been through, I was worthy of love and support. Even if it had taken a little while to see that from him.
Cami and Laurel were the first to show me what true friendship was.
Mouse…
As I thought about Mouse, so many things drifted through my mind.
Mouse had been the first to show me many things, though I didn’t think he even realized it.
He’d shown me kindness from the moment he met me. I may have been scared out of my mind the day I arrived at the club, but I will never forget the man that took my hand, helped me to sit down, and brought me water when he saw I was unsteady.
Mouse had been there as a good friend. Not only to Ky, but to me as well.
I remembered being in that store trying to get all the things I needed for when Chry came. My heart had been racing and I felt like I was dizzy and overwhelmed. I had Laurel and Mouse with me. And while Laurel had been the one to help me pick out the exact item I wanted, it was Mouse that had searched on his phone for all the things that I needed. Without an ounce of panic in his eyes, he smiled at me, told me it was all going to be okay, and then helped me stay focused on what I had to get right then.
Then he had been there when they’d taken me. He and some of the other brothers had found me but Mouse had been the one that I remembered there that night. I was so scared that they were going to drag me back to the place I had run from and I was going to be trapped back in that hell. And I was terrified that Chris was dead and that my brother was soon to follow. That my unborn baby would grow up in the world I’d come to hate and despise. But then Mouse was there to make sure that didn’t happen.
And then I saw the panic in his eyes as I went down that long flight of stairs. It had just been a flash before everythi
ng went blurry like I was in a tornado. But I had seen it and I’d had a feeling that I wouldn’t ever forget it. Just like I would always remember how he never let my hand go all the way to the hospital. Not until they demanded that he did.
I couldn’t even tell you why I wanted him in that room when I couldn’t even bear for my brother to be there.
As my mind drifted back to that night, I tried to find an answer.
Back in the camp, men didn’t attend the birth of their children. It was considered dirty and unclean. Not somewhere that men should be. While I had tried my best to shake off my upbringing, it was clear that I was still holding on to certain things. I guess the best thing I could come up with was that I didn’t want Ky to see the unclean part of me.
But why Mouse?
I didn’t have an answer for that either.
He had kind eyes.
He had a gentle touch.
He had a bright smile.
So, I had begged Ky to leave and let Mouse stay.
A smile forced its way onto my face as I remembered those two days. Mouse refused to leave my side, even when Ky came to check on me and Chry. Mouse was there making sure I ate, changing Chry when I felt tired, helping me get to my feet and walk around, and doing everything he could to make sure I was comfortable.
Mouse was a true friend.
He did all of these things without expectations. Without an ulterior motive. Without looking for something in return.
The smile slipped from my face as I pictured the man I’d seen earlier today.
He was not the same one that I knew back then.
He wasn’t the same man that I’d written to over the years I’d been gone.
He wasn’t the same man that had sent me letters back.
I felt like I didn’t even know him.
What bothered me the most was that I couldn’t figure out what had changed.
I sat up and clicked on my bedside lamp. The letters that he’d sent me were right there within reach and I didn’t hesitate to do just that.
One by one, my eyes scanned over the words that I already knew by heart.
Most of them were simple. A few lines letting me know that he was getting my letters and that he was doing fine. But then there were some that had a totally different tone. Ones that I tried my hardest not to read too much into. Lines like, ‘some days, I miss you harder than others’ stuck out making my heart beat a little louder and harder. But he had also said right after that he didn’t know if it was right.
I had no clue what he meant by it all but I felt something deeper in those written words. And I couldn’t deny that they felt like they had been ripped straight from my soul.
I cared about him deeply, even if at times he seemed a little distant. I was a pretty clueless about what to do in a situation like this. I wondered if I should have sent him a letter letting him know that I was returning. I honestly wasn’t sure why I hadn’t. The last couple of months there were a little hectic. I knew my time at Glow Woods was coming to an end and I was trying to make sure that I was really truly ready. My time became about me when I wasn’t being a mom. I did a lot of soul-searching, as one of the group session leaders called it. I sat alone with my thoughts and listened to my feelings. I dug deep within myself to make sure that I was making the right call in leaving.
In the end, I was nervous but so very ready to spread my wings and fly, as Mouse had put it.
I had done what I’d gone there to do. Sure, I didn’t exactly feel normal, but what I realized was that I didn’t really go there to learn how to be normal, to be like everyone else. Maybe at seventeen I couldn’t really see it or explain it, but what I was really searching for was clarity. Answers to all the questions in my head. Ways to relearn how to do things the right way at a pace that didn’t make me feel overwhelmed. And maybe even a place to find people that understood what I was going through to a certain degree. I went there to work on me. To find the true person that I was. The first step to that was getting my head on straight and I think to do that, I had to take a step away from Ky and all those that loved me here.
I knew in my heart that he and Chris and everyone else wanted what was best for me, but they didn’t understand at first that they weren’t the ones that could give that to me at the point I was at.
The thing I still struggled with was trying to find the differences in the person I used to be and the one I was now. Sometimes I liked to say that I was too close to really be able to see it.
I guessed only time would tell.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Mouse
I had returned from another long run. This one to South Carolina then down into Florida to drop a big shipment with another MC we worked with. They would handle distribution from there.
I wasn’t all that familiar with this club, but Axe said that he trusted them. So what else could I do but put faith in the fact that the mother chapter’s Prez knew what the fuck he was doing?
That didn’t mean that I spent the whole time down there laughing it up and not watching my back.
The ride back home was going to be long and since we didn’t set out until late afternoon, we decided to stop and grab a motel room for the night. It would have been stupid to push through with as tired as we all were.
“You ever think about kids?” B-ry asked from the other bed. As I looked at him like he had two heads, I started to think that I’d picked the wrong person to share a room with.
“Uhhhh…” I replied because I didn’t really have an answer for that. Or if I did, it wasn’t something I wanted to think about right now.
He didn’t seem fazed by my lack of response.
“You think I’d make a good dad?” he asked, his focus dead set on whatever image was lighting up his phone.
I could have been an asshole and given him a sarcastic answer that was meant to be a joke. Or I could have spit out reassurance right away.
But that wasn’t me.
So the seconds ticked on as I really thought about it.
B-ry wasn’t soft by any kind of means. No matter how you looked at it, he was big and gruff and hardheaded. He was thick and at times, terrifying. I’d seen what he could do to a man when he wasn’t happy.
On the other side of the coin, B-ry was protective, loyal, and cared about those he held close. He’d die for any one of us.
Then I thought about how he was with Laurel. How she’d gone through all that shit and the way that he refused to leave her side even when she tried to shut him out.
He said nothing as I processed it all. I think by now he knew me well enough to know I was getting my thoughts together. That or he was so lost to whatever the fuck was on his phone.
“Yeah, I do,” I finally said.
“Yeah?” he asked with a tinge of hopefulness in his tone.
“Yeah,” I repeated with a nod. “Any man that will protect his brothers the way you do, would do the same for anyone he loves. You love Laurel with everything and you’d do anything for her. I’ve seen it. I can see you being the same with a kid.”
He let out a sigh of relief like the weight of the world just fell off his shoulders.
And that was the moment I got it just a split second before he turned his phone to me and confirmed my thoughts. I only caught the brief flash of a positive pee stick but that was all I needed to see.
“Laurel’s pregnant.”
“Holy shit!” I said as I jumped off the bed with genuine excitement for them both.
He got up and we embraced in a tight man hug. I patted his back a few times and then we release to take our positions back on separate beds like it had never happened.
“She’s going to make a great mom,” B-ry said as he smiled to the universe.
I’d seen Laurel with Chry even if I’d tried my hardest to stay in the background when Ingram was at the compound. I had no doubt about that statement. Laurel definitely had the mother vibe. Not just with kids either. I had witnessed many times when she’d see someone lost
or confused and she never hesitated to slide in there and help out. It didn’t matter how simple it was, she was there for each and every one of us. After all, she’d been the only one to get through to Blade when he’d gotten fucked up and almost died on us. Months and months of physical therapy and there was Laurel, taking care of his dog and driving him back and forth to his appointments.
Blade wasn’t an easy one to be around, that was for sure. But Laurel never let his asshole attitude get to her.
Thank fuck that shit was behind us and the brother had definitely earned his patch. Blade was moving around and back at the tattoo shop doing his thing. I only caught a glimpse of pain on his face every now and then when he rode for too long or when it got super cold.
The next day we rolled out and B-ry seemed to have a permanent smile on his face. I was happy for the guy.
After we got back home and had filled in Iron, I finally got around to calling Amber back.
She knew I’d been on a run and so I was pretty sure that she wouldn’t be pissed that it had taken me over a day to get back to her.
She was as familiar with this life as I was, only she knew more bad than good.
Not all MCs were like us. I wasn’t blind to that fact. Like attracted like and when you got a bunch of evil men together, the evil only grew.
She hadn’t had it easy and from what she’d told me, she’d done some fucked up things. But she was trying her hardest to outrun her past. Only, some days, I could tell she wasn’t doing such a good job of it. That life messed up her head and as sad as it was, Amber wasn’t strong enough to let it go.
Most of the time I was convinced that I was only holding her back. But there was something in her that kept coming around. Kept hanging on. And I thought we were pretty good together. Maybe most of the time it was because we saw that need to escape in one another and we gave in.