“No Thomas she did,” Ann said.
Thomas turned the picture over and looked down at it. His mind was confused as to what this meant, his heart beating fast and not knowing what to think, but knew what it was feeling. In the picture was himself and he was on a beach, a beach he knew very well. In the picture next to him, in his arms was Stephanie, it was taken years ago. He looked so much younger then and wondered what she looked like now. He had to force himself to breath. He looked up at Ann with a confused, lost look on his face.
“Where did you get this from Ann? There is only one other person who has this picture besides me and mine is in my bedroom” Thomas said his eyes full of confusion and unspoken thoughts.
“The young woman, Stephanie, left it behind in the cottage when she checked out. I do not know if it was on purpose or an accident, I assume it was an accident though,” Ann said.
“She was here, on the coast. I had no idea, wish I would have known,” he said quietly then asked Ann, still looking down at the picture, “Umm…Did you talk to her when she was here at all?”
Ann moved her chair closer to Thomas so she sat directly in front of him. She thought about what to say, but had giving this conversation with Thomas a lot of thought already since Stephanie left. “I did talk to her Thomas; we actually did a lot of it. It is interesting because with all that talking we did, I learned a lot about you. I was able to see why you keep that part of you, the part of your heart that belongs and always belonged to her locked away and hidden from the world. Something’s make more sense to me now that didn’t before, makes me understand you better.”
Ann went on to explain to Thomas what she learned about Stephanie while she was here on the coast. She also told Thomas a little about the life Stephanie had lived since the time before he came back to the Oregon Coast. She left some details out like the incident with Derrick so a problem was not caused, after all this was about Thomas and Stephanie and not about Derrick being overly protective. Ann told Thomas about their walks on the beach, the things Stephanie told her regarding Thomas and her feelings, past and current. How she had grown over the years to become the woman she is now, what she was like, a few things she enjoyed.
She was careful with what she revealed to Thomas however, something’s should be left for Stephanie to say to him; if that ever were too happen. Even though Ann was sure it would eventually, she was not going to tell Thomas that. She wanted to Thomas to understand why Stephanie acted the way she did all those years ago, and her regrets. She explained to Thomas how those regrets changed her for the better. Ann spoke and Thomas listened quietly for half an hour, not saying a word as he was learning about the woman he loved for many years. A woman that had been out of his life for a long time, whom he never forgot; someone he loved too much to forget.
“So why didn’t she come to see me, talk to me, or try?” Thomas asked.
“She tried once, she came to the coffee shop and you were not working; Tracie was. But that wasn’t her only reason for being on the coast” Ann said.
Thomas recalled the conversation he had with Tracie about the strange girl that came in to the shop, asking questions. It must of have been her he thought silently.
“You actually saw her twice while she was here, you just didn’t realize it at the time Thomas, Daniel met her also,” Ann said.
Thomas was shocked and instantly began mentally backtracking every day, every hour and minute of the last few weeks. He was trying to figure out when and where, and why he was too stupid to notice. “How could I have missed her then, when did you see her” he finally asked.
“Well the first time was up at Santos Café in Cannon Beach. She was walking out and you held the door for her, you had your back to her. She realized it was you and ducked around the corner and that was when she ran into Daniel and these two beautiful girls here,” Ann said smiling as she petted the heads of Layla and Harley that were resting their heads on her legs.
Thomas was lost in thought again, looked at Harley, smiled at his oldest dog, and said, “It’s times like this I wish she could talk Ann, I bet she remembered Steph. Nevertheless, I remember that day; it was a good day for Daniel and I, we had fun. Stephanie used to wear the same two perfumes, she loved them, and I remember smelling one when I was holding the door and the woman came out. It stuck with me, I could not let it go, things like that stick with you, stay in your mind if you know what I mean. I remember Daniel telling me about her though, he said she was very nice and said nice things about the dogs. He told me Harley went nuts trying to smell the lady, Harley did remember her.”
His legs were shaking so he stood up and walked over to the railing of his wooden deck. He looked out over the ocean, the dark blue waves gently rolling, sea birds flying around in sky calling to each other. He ran his fingers over some sand that was on the railing, making lines with his fingers. Ann got up from her chair and stood next to him.
“When was the second time Ann, you said there was two?” Thomas asked.
“Think about it Thomas, I think you already know, I think you have been wondering about it since it happened. I know you, and I know something like this you would not have been able to forget” Ann said.
It only took him a moment to think of it, turned, and looked at Ann with amazement and surprise in his eyes. “That same day…it was that same day but on the beach. Daniel and I were walking down the beach; we were right in front of haystack rock. There was a woman with long brown hair, way up on deck watching us. Daniel was upset, I was hugging him, and I saw this woman watching us. I could not make out her face, was that really her?” Thomas asked as that entire time on the beach came back to him in quick flashes, every detail was there.
Ann smiled and patted Thomas on top of his big hand then said “I knew it was there, I knew you couldn’t let that go easily.”
Thomas nodded and said, “No I haven’t, I think of that day every day at least once. I remember seeing her standing there, her hair blowing in the wind. I remember I could barely take my eyes off her. I turned away for a minute or so then I went to look back and she was gone.”
“You know Thomas she had the same reaction almost. After she saw you by the coffee shop she waited until you two were out of sight then went back to the cottage. She was shocked when she saw you and Daniel right in front of where she staying. I remember her telling me she could not take her eyes off you, she thought you saw her and got scared and then went inside. She watched you and Daniel though…through the window, she watched you walk until you were out of sight.
Thomas stood there silently and a few tears came down his face. The gut feelings he had been having for a few weeks did have a reason behind them and now he knew why. Ann grabbed his hand and squeezed it, comforting him…or tying too. Then Ann spoke again, “she didn’t try to see you again because she was afraid she was going to mess your life up. She saw you, the man you are now with your son and became scared she would ruin the life you had made here on the coast for yourself Thomas. That is why she never came to see you. Believe me she wanted to, she did fly all the way from Michigan for the chance just to see you with her own eyes again. She knows how badly she hurt you, she loves you Thomas, and she always did and didn’t want to hurt you again.”
“She loves me Ann?” Thomas asked barely above a whisper.
“She always did Tom, she just wasn’t ready for it then, she wasn’t ready for you. But she always loved you, she just wasn’t ready for that kind of love back then” Ann said.
“Do you think I will ever see her again Ann? Do you think I’ll ever get the chance to tell her I’m sorry?” Thomas asked.
“Why should you be sorry Tom?” Ann asked since that was an odd thing for him to say.
“For not calling her sooner, I forgave her years ago, I forgave her because I loved her and when you love someone that much, you can’t be angry at them forever, and you can’t hate them. I knew she was scared then, leaving Michigan was the best thing I ever did for both of us maybe. But
I’m sorry I never talked to her since I left, sorry I never even tried” Thomas said.
“You know Thomas, you surprise me. You should really show this sensitive side of you more often. However, as far as Stephanie goes and seeing her again, I do not know. I would like to say yes, an old lady can hope but I just do not know at this point. I miss her though; the hubby and our friends do also. She was a very magical young woman, her laugh and smile just made your day worth it, wouldn’t you agree?” Ann asked.
Thomas smiled and said “I would very much agree Ann, I think about that smile all the time, I remember the way she used to look at me, with her blue eyes, it’s like they were seeing every thought and feeling I was having at that moment, it made me feel naked. She is the only woman to look at me that way; the only person who made me feel like that.”
“She’s got some thinking to do, Thomas,” Ann said then adding, “Remember all those talks we had when you first moved here and were living here alone; before Derrick, Sarah, Daniel and the coffee shops. All that soul searching you did; your quiet walks alone at all hours of the day and night. I remember we talked about Stephanie a lot back then. I just got another piece of your puzzle I think. But as far Stephanie goes…only time will tell I think, but we can hope right?”
“That we can, with her hope is one thing I never let go of. I just hid it and put it away, I had too,” Thomas said then asking, “Do you think I should call her?”
“I’d love to say yes Thomas so you get all gutsy, but I think it’s better to just know all of this and let things be for now. Her life is changing and she has to figure out some things on her own, and only time can do that. And what did I always tell you about time?”
Thomas smiled and said you always said, “Timing is everything and fate messes with your life because that is fates job”
Ann smiled and said, “Good you didn’t forget.”
“You know it’s funny, she got here and was a stranger to this area, the people and our way of life. Nevertheless, she got it and felt it right away, the life here. When she was here, she would do the same kind of wandering that you do, aimless, pointless wandering lost in thought. She gets you better now too I’d guess, she sort of understands why this area, the places around us always meant so much to you since you first lived here.
“I worry Ann that I just lost my chance with her again, to even try to mend things, let alone anything else,” Thomas said.
“Not trying to be a bitch Thomas but you took that chance the minute you left Michigan for good, you know that. You knew by leaving you might never see her again. And if my memory is correct with some of our first conversations…that was your intent, to leave her and everything there behind,” Ann said.
He looked over at Ann who was taking a drag of a cigarette and ran his hand through his hair. “Yeah, I know but I think I’ve learned since then that something’s you can’t ever let go of no matter how far away they are, maybe something’s you never should,” he said then adding “and something’s just stay here” pointing at his heart.
At that moment, he heard car tires on the gravel and on the other side of the house. He looked at his phone and realized he missed a text from Daniel about 15 minutes ago. Layla got up, barked and hauled ass around the corner to meet her boy.
“So what are you going to do slugger?” Ann asked.
“I don’t know, I guess just keep living my life one day at time Ann just like I have been since I got here. I suppose we will see what happens if anything down the road” he replied then asked “Ann if you hear from her, or if she comes back again, will you let me know…if you think it’s okay to let me know at least.”
“You will be the first phone call I make if she does come back Thomas” the old women replied. There was no reason to tell Thomas yet that she talked to Stephanie by phone every few days, those conversations were between her and her young friend.
Just then, Daniel flew around the corner and immediately ran up to Ann hugging her at the waist. Thomas stood looking down at his son but his mind was still on the conversation that just took place. Thoughts of Stephanie, the almost meetings up in Cannon Beach lingered in his mind; some things made better sense now though. Daniel let go of Ann and then he hugged his dad who picked him up in the air.
“You did not answer my text Dad, what’s up with that? What were you doing?” the boy asked.
“I’m sorry buddy me and Grandma Ann were talking about something I didn’t hear my phone go off. Are you hungry, did you guys eat dinner already?” Thomas asked.
“No we didn’t, we had lunch but I’m starving” Daniel said as his father put him down.
“Okay well then I will make dinner then, Ann would you like to join us for dinner or do you have somewhere you have to be?” Thomas asked.
Daniel grabbed onto Ann’s hand and began begging her “please Grandma Ann, stay for dinner I haven’t seen you in months and months it seems.”
Ann smiled and looked down at the boy “well how can an old lady say no to face like that, okay fine count me in” she said then adding, “What are we having?”. Daniel let out a “woo hoo!” sound and went through the slider into the house, followed by the dogs.
“Barbeque chicken, cornbread and salad I’m thinking,” Thomas said.
“Sounds wonderful, I haven’t had cornbread in ages and I know you make some wicked ass chicken,” Ann said.
A moment later, they were all in the house, Thomas was getting started on dinner, Daniel was feeding the dogs and Ann was calling her husband letting him know she was going to stay for a bit.
Thirty Seven
Out on the Oregon Coast the summer seemed to speed by faster than normal. The large influx of summer tourists and their money came and went. School started up again the day after Labor Day and Daniel was ready to go back, Thomas was eager to get back to working more with his son in school. His son was getting bored and restless and missed being in school, his father missed, just like any parent; having some quiet time. The conversation in June with Ann was still in Thomas’ mind, replaying it every day at some point. He thought of Stephanie more and more often, her ghost haunted him but he welcomed it. Over the last few months, he fought the urge to call her after acquiring her cell phone number, stopping every time before pressing the call button on his phone. Then he thought about sending a post card, he did not do that either.
One night about two weeks before school, Thomas was feeling particularly nostalgic and was looking thru an old photo album. There were many pictures of his past in it, his younger days and many with Stephanie in them, many from Florida and some from other places. Daniel saw the album, became curious, and wondered why his dad had been sad lately. For some reason he opened up to his son about Stephanie. He did not give all the details, left many things out but the boy got the point and understood.
“So she was special to you huh Dad?” the boy had asked.
“Very special buddy, very special,” Thomas answered.
“Special like my mom was?” Daniel asked.
Thomas felt awkward and unsure what to say and thought about that question, without using the word love. Finally, he looked at his son and said, “Your mother was unique buddy, one of the most unique women I have ever met. I think though that every person in your life is special to you in different ways and for different reasons. You can’t compare one person with another; it’s not fair to do that.”
The boy put his finger to his lips and seemed to be thinking over what his dad told him, and then asked, “So like for me, you are special to me in one way and Grandpa is special to me in another,” the boy said.
“Exactly, but it doesn’t make one person better than the other, or matter more…unless we are talking about you and no one is more special to me than you are.”
Daniel smiled at that then rested his head on his dad’s shoulder and turned the next page of the album, eager to see what was next. “You had more hair in that picture Dad,” he said.
“Umm…yes, yes I did
buddy, it happens when you get old. Just ask your grandfather about it,” Thomas said laughing.
They never talked about it again but just the fact that his son knew about her now, even a little helped Thomas. It helped his mind be at ease, and was glad he could share something like that with his son and even more that he seemed to understand what he told him.
. . .
Towards the end of September, Stephanie sat in a chain coffee shop near her house in Michigan sipping a simple cup of coffee with cream. She looked out the window at some trees on the far side of the parking lot that were already bright red with the fall color change. Other trees around it were green but much lighter shades, those also would soon be bright with color. Red and orange leaves rustled across the parking lot with the strong fall winds pushing them along. A man in a suit was sitting across from her sipping on his poorly made latte’ and talking but she was not listening that much. Her mind was somewhere else far away…it was on a wind and rain swept beach on the Oregon Coast. Her heart was walking along the quaint storefronts, peering through the windows of the shops, her dog Shadow walking along side of her.
It had been a long few months since she left Oregon, with so many things there left unknown. She had kept in constant contact with Ann and her friends since she left. Phone calls were exchanged; emails, handwritten letters and postcards came sometimes twice a week. Some kept her up on news from the coast; others were continuations of conversations and occasionally news on Thomas usually from Ann or Pockets. In August she received a letter from Derrick apologizing for his outburst that night at the Riptide, it surprised her…she was not ready to reply however.
The man passed some papers to her that she looked over briefly. She would take them home, give them a look over, sign them and return them to his office the next day. Karen was shocked when Stephanie had told her about her decision earlier that week. She was hurt a little, but that was Karen’s problem not hers to worry about, her friend would adjust.
Running Northwest Page 39