“Hyde? Will you be there tomorrow? In Eakins?”
“Where you go, I go, Agent Lindy.”
“Can you tell whoever you need to tell to call Thomas? Tell him I love him?”
“I will.”
I felt my muscles melt into the mattress, but as hard as I tried, I couldn’t sleep.
CHAPTER EIGHT
FALYN
THE PACKING TAPE made a high-pitched noise when it pulled from the roll, and I froze. Our only television was on in the living room down the hall, and I listened through the muted conversation between SpongeBob and Patrick Star for footsteps padding toward the closed door of my bedroom. I’d wanted to get a head start on packing but wanted Taylor there when we broke the good news to the kids. I smiled because they would be so happy. But my smile soon faded. Any misery they’d felt the past few months was my fault.
The wall was paneled except for one section, revealing the sheetrock behind it. The bed was a king but not nearly as comfortable as the queen I left behind. Our quilt didn’t quite reach across the mattress, but it had gotten me through a particularly snowy Colorado winter. A picture of Taylor with the kids sat on the night table. Even though Taylor didn’t share my bed, I still slept on the same side I’d chosen after we’d moved in together. Hadley would sometimes crawl into Taylor’s side in the middle of the night, but other than that, it stayed empty.
Hollis and Hadley were so close in age that they were able to start pre-school together, and now, they had just finished the second grade. Looking at Hollis’s dark hair, bronze skin, and blue eyes was like looking at Alyssa, the woman Taylor had met in California during the week we’d broken up. As angry as I was when I learned he’d gotten another woman pregnant, the night Taylor and Alyssa spent together made Hollis possible, and I wouldn’t trade my son for anything. Hadley was the spitting image of me except for her warm chocolate irises. She kept her wavy blond hair long, and she had the same splash of freckles across her nose and cheeks.
Neither of them had looked at me much since we moved from Estes Park to Colorado Springs. Hadley was a bit more forgiving than Hollis. Sometimes, she would even forget how angry she was with me, and I’d get a hug or even an evening of snuggling on the couch while we watched a movie, but Hollis took every opportunity to remind me how I was ruining his life. It was becoming more difficult to argue with him. He’d had trouble making friends, but everyone in Estes Park loved him. He was picked first for teams, charmed the girls, and sang like the star of a boy band. In the Springs, he was the new kid who was a threat to the established class hierarchy.
Second grade was a lot different than I remembered.
My phone buzzed, and I picked it up, expecting an update from Taylor. Instead, it was Peter. I still wasn’t sure how he’d gotten my number, but he was incessant. I still wasn’t sure if it was my fault the night we met; if I had looked in his direction too long or absently smiled at him. Men like him thought every woman who laughed at a single joke was begging to be fucked. So, no. It wasn’t my fault. He was raised with privilege and without accountability. He’d graduated from a rich pansy-ass snot rag to the rapey egomaniac otherwise known as Mayor Lacy’s son. Peter had his eye on me from the moment we stepped into the bar to celebrate Jubal’s promotion to lieutenant. Taylor and I didn’t get out much, and I wanted to make the most of the babysitter we’d procured on late notice.
For weeks after I’d left, I wished we’d just stayed home. But the longer I was gone, the angrier that made me feel. Taylor was long overdue for some self-control. He’d put his job at risk—his brother’s job at risk. I frowned. What used to be cute and maybe even flattering was now detrimental. I didn’t want to teach our children that they could punch their way out of every situation without consequences, or do it anyway, consequences be damned.
I tossed my phone to the mattress and covered it with a stack of folded towels. They were frayed at the edges and none of them matched, but they smelled like home, so I kept them in a bag in the back of my closet and opened it when I missed Taylor the most. Only slightly psychotic.
The doorbell announced someone’s arrival with its flat and offbeat chime that begged to be put out of its misery.
“Daddy!” Hadley said.
Taylor greeted the kids, his hellos cut off by tackle hugs. A few moments later, my bedroom door burst open, and Hollis stood there with Taylor, who was carrying Hadley on his back. Hollis wore a wide grin on his face, his left dimple sunk in, the eyes I loved looking up at me not remotely resembling Taylor’s or mine.
“Dad’s here!” Hollis said. He was so excited he didn’t notice the box on the bed, but Taylor did.
“I see that,” I said with a grin.
“Uh … why don’t you kids pack an overnight bag? I’m going to chat with Mom.”
“Overnight? Really?” Hadley said, sliding off Taylor’s back. She looked at me. “Really, Mom?”
“Really,” I said. “Go on.”
They raced each other to their bedrooms, making as much noise as possible. A day before, I would have been worried about the neighbors complaining, but we were finally leaving this dump behind.
“How’s it going?” Taylor asked, noting the box and my cluttered bed.
“Just getting started. It was tough packing in secret and making dinner and …” I trailed off, noticing a smear of soot on his face. “I checked the news on my phone. The fire’s still going.”
Taylor nodded. “It’s a beast.”
“You’re sure Tyler was okay with you leaving them to it?”
“Yep,” he said, looking around. He found a broken down box and opened it, taping the bottom closed. He seemed conflicted about something, and when his brow furrowed, I braced myself for what he might say. “Uh … Falyn …?”
“Dad!” Hollis said, bag in hand. He glanced at the empty box in front of Taylor and then at the one in front of me. “What’s going on?”
I turned toward the kids, both of them confused. “Let’s talk at the table. Come on.”
Hollis and Hadley followed me to the dining room, which was really just a corner of the living room with a table and chairs. We sat down, and they both rested their elbows on the table, crossing their arms just like Taylor.
“We need to tell you something, but before we do, I need to explain. Dad and I are not back together, and we will not be getting back together—at least, not for a while. We have a lot of things to work out.”
The kids’ eyes fell to their hands and so did Taylor’s.
“The good news is,” I said, looking at Taylor. “You want to …?”
Taylor instantly masked his sadness with a cheerful smile. “The good news is you’re moving back to Estes Park.”
“What? With you?” Hollis said, jumping up from his seat. He threw his arms around Taylor’s neck, and I tried not to let it hurt too much that he was so eager to live with his Dad.
“With Mom, too,” Taylor said. Both kids’ gazes bounced between Taylor and me. “That’s the confusing part.”
“Mom’s moving back, too?” Hadley echoed. Cautious hope flashed in her eyes.
“Your dad and I think it’s a better idea if we move back into the house in Estes, where you can have your old rooms back and go back to school with your old friends.”
“But you’re not together?” Hollis said. I could see the confusion on his face.
Taylor swallowed, already hating what he was about to say. “I’m going to get an apartment until your Mom and I figure things out.”
“An apartment?” Hollis groaned. His eyes glossed over, and he collapsed on his chair. “That’s fucking stupid.”
“Hollis Henry Maddox!” Taylor growled.
He wasn’t used to the cursing, the mood swings, or the anger like I was. As far as the kids were concerned, I had ruined their lives, and Dad was their savior.
Taylor regained his composure, and he pulled Hollis in for a hug, forcing him onto his lap. “You’re not happy here, and your mom sees that. It took
a lot for her to call me and figure out how to get you back home. I don’t mind finding an apartment for a while.”
“For how long?” Hollis said, trying not to cry. His cheeks flushed red, making his already faint freckles less noticeable.
“Hollis,” I began. “We’ve talked about this. Sometimes moms and dads need some time to—”
“This is bull crap!” Hollis said. “If we’re going to live in Estes, we should all live together.”
“But we can’t,” I said, firm. “Not yet.”
Hollis stared at me for a moment, hatred in his eyes. At these moments, I waited in fear for him to scream that I wasn’t really his mom, but he hadn’t yet. Teeth clenched, he pushed up from his chair, the legs whining against the tile, and he stomped to his room.
Taylor sighed. “That didn’t go as well as I thought it would.”
“You should go talk to him,” I said.
Taylor kissed Hadley’s forehead and then nodded, following Hollis to his room.
“Mom?” Hadley said. “He can have my room.” I looked at her for a moment, confused. Her platinum hair reminded me so much of Olive, down to the splash of freckles across her nose. “Dad. If you don’t want him sleeping with you, he can have my room.”
I reached for her hand, and to my surprise, she took it. “I wish I could explain this to you so you could understand.”
“I understand,” she said. “He got arrested, and you got mad at him. But you’ve been mad at him for a long time. Can’t you be done being mad now?”
I looked down. “It’s just not that simple, love. I wish it were.”
She nodded, her gaze falling to our hands in the center of the table.
Taylor walked in, his hands in his jeans pockets. “He’s okay. He’s packing. You should get to packing too, baby girl.”
Hadley hopped up from the table and hurried toward her room, stopping long enough to throw her arms around Taylor’s waist. He pulled her in tight and then let her go, watching me rest my chin on the heel of my hand.
“They’ve hated me since we left. It’s been tense,” I said.
“They could never hate you.”
“You don’t know that,” I said.
“Yes, I do.” He stared at me for a moment, neither one of us saying a word. I swallowed, knowing that we still loved each other, but also sure that I wasn’t ready to move forward together. It was a fine line—being cautious, so I didn’t make a bad decision based on emotion and holding out just to further punish him. “C’mon,” Taylor said. “We’ll start in your room.” He held his hand out to me, and I hesitated. He pulled back, returning it to the pocket it was in. “I get it, you know. The kids don’t, but I do. They don’t know what happened. They don’t know I deserve this.”
“That doesn’t make me feel any better.”
“They don’t deserve this, though. We’re better than this, Falyn.”
“Taylor, don’t.” I stood, walking past him. He gently caught my arm, and it took all of my strength not to fall into him. I’d missed his touch, being so close to him, hearing his voice in the same room, watching him watch me.
“I still love you,” he said, anger on the edge of his words. I couldn’t blame him. Our family was broken, and our children were hurting.
“I know,” I said. My resentment wouldn’t let me say anything else, and I pulled away from him to walk to the end of the hall.
Taylor gathered a few boxes, taped them together for the kids, and then returned, helping me to load my things into the cardboard. We gathered socks from the drawers and shoes and Halloween buckets from the top of the closet. I’d missed how tall Taylor was, too. He could reach everything I couldn’t. He could lift and open everything I couldn’t and sometimes, even if I could, just so I could watch him do it.
“I still love you, too,” I said. Taylor turned around, an indistinguishable expression on his face. “And I miss you. Maybe the kids are smarter than I am on this one. Maybe we should try to fix this from the inside out instead of hurting the kids while I pretend to wait for an epiphany.”
“Is that what you’re doing? Hoping for a sign that I’ve changed?” He took a step toward me, dropping everything in his hands. “Because baby, I’ve changed. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to lose the kids. I—”
My phone buzzed, cutting him off. I looked around, touching my jeans pockets. It buzzed again, and Taylor pointed at the stack of towels.
“It’s coming from there,” he said, stepping toward the bed. “It’s late. Think it’s Ellie?”
“Oh, yeah. I—” Oh. Fuck.
Before I could stop him, Taylor lifted the towels and picked up my phone, his face instantly twisting into disgust. “Why the fuck is Peter Lacy calling you? How does he have your number, Falyn?”
“I don’t know,” I said, reaching for my phone. “It doesn’t matter. I never respond.”
Recognition lit Taylor’s eyes, and he became angrier. “How many times has he contacted you? What the fuck, Falyn? Is this why you want to move back?”
My mouth fell open. “No! And he hasn’t contacted me at all because I don’t answer!”
“How did he get your fucking number?” Taylor screamed. His veins were bulging from his neck, his eyes practically glowing and wild. His chest was heaving, and I could see the restraint. He wanted to punch something or someone. If Peter had been there, he might have killed him. I remembered now. The man standing in front of me now was the Taylor I left.
My eyes fell to the floor. The hope I’d had just moments before gone. When I looked up again, and Taylor’s eyes met mine, I could see the anger melt away and shame take over. Even then, he couldn’t let go. He picked up the stack of towels and shoved them into the box on top of some trinkets, ripping at the tape and slamming it across the top. He grabbed a thick black marker and wrote master across the top and then hurled the box into the corner of the room behind the door, its contents scattering.
Two dark silhouettes were standing in the hall, and when I realized the kids were present once again for the shitshow that was our marriage, I covered my mouth, unable to stop the tears from falling.
“No, baby, don’t cry…” Taylor glanced down at the hall. “I’m sorry,” he said to the kids. He sat on the bed, hunched over. “I’m sorry,” he choked out.
“Can we still go?” Hadley asked, stepping from out of the shadow of the hall.
“I’m still going,” Hollis said.
I wiped my cheeks and walked to the doorway, holding Hollis and Hadley as if they might shatter like the ceramics in the box. “Yes. Yes, we’re still going. Dad wants us to, and I want us to. We’re happier in Estes, right?”
“Right,” they both said, looking up at me and nodding.
Soon, Hollis would be taller than I was. Maybe taller than Taylor. I couldn’t let him think it was okay to use violence and intimidation to solve anything. I couldn’t let Hadley think Taylor’s was acceptable behavior, and that it was okay to stay without real change. And I couldn’t let them—or my own guilt—talk me into taking Taylor back before we were ready.
Taylor’s phone rang, and he fished it from his back pocket. He sniffed once before answering. “Hey, Trent.” The longer he listened, the more his shoulders sagged. “What? What do you mean shot? Like with a gun? How? Is he okay?”
Taylor let the phone fall to the floor, and I scrambled to pick it up, holding it to my ear. All the blood had drained from Taylor’s face, and he was staring at the floor, a single tear streaming down his cheek.
“Trent?” I said. “It’s Falyn. What happened?”
Trenton sighed. “Hey, Falyn. It’s, uh … it’s Tommy. He, uh … there’s been an accident.”
“An accident? Is he okay?” I asked.
“No. Taylor and Tyler need to come home. Can you get them here?”
“No?” I asked. I had heard him, but the words didn’t make sense. Thomas Maddox was the strongest of all five boys; the smartest. He had the best head on his shoulder
s, and Liis had just given birth to their first baby. He was a new father. How can he not be okay?
“It’s bad,” he said, his voice low. “Just get them home, Falyn. Call Tyler. I don’t … I don’t think I can.”
“I’ll take care of it. How’s Liis?”
“She’s with Stella. You’ll get ‘em on a plane?”
“Yes. We’ll all be there tomorrow.”
“Thanks, Falyn. See you soon.”
“Mom?” Hollis said, watching Taylor with worried eyes. “Is Uncle Tommy okay?”
I held out my hand to the kids, letting them know to wait before inundating us with questions, and to let me care for their dad first. I kneeled in front of Taylor, searching for words to say. There were none. He was still trying to process what Trenton had said.
“Honey?” I said, gently tugging at his chin. “I’m going to call Tyler, and then I’m going to call the airline.”
“He’s at the fire,” Taylor said, his voice monotone. “He won’t answer.”
I dialed Tyler’s number with my husband’s phone, listening as it rang several times before his voice mail picked up. I tucked the phone into my back pocket and pointed at the children. “Pack for five days. Five jeans, five shirts, five socks, and five pairs of underpants. Toothbrush and toothpaste. Go now.”
The kids nodded and ran to their rooms. I emptied a small roller bag Taylor had already filled with my unmentionables and packed for five days as well. “Where’s your bag?” I asked Taylor.
“Huh?”
“Your bag. You packed a bag to come here, right? Do you have at least two days’ worth?”
“Three days. It’s in my truck.”
“Okay,” I said, pulling up the handle on my bag. “Let’s go. I’m driving. I’ll reserve tickets on the way.”
“To where?”
“Estes Park. We’re going to tell Tyler, and then we’re driving to Denver to catch a plane.”
“Falyn …” Taylor began, but he knew he couldn’t be the strong one this time. We were broken, but we weren’t alone.
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