by Lisa N. Paul
“Crushed, I say.” Lyla and Janie laughed at his sarcasm.
“Oh well, I can’t say I’m sorry about that,” Janie giggled.
Ashley meandered her way over toward the women with their next round of drinks just in time to hear Lyla say, “Yeah, fuck those chicks.”
To which Ashley replied with a plastic smile, “No, that’s Ryan’s job.”
She gave her friends their drinks before scurrying down to the other end of the bar to help the middle-aged businessmen in the corner. Even with the distance between them, she could still make out bits and pieces of their conversation over the noise in the bar.
“Danny,” Janie pointed a serious stare at the man whom they all saw as a father figure, “you have got to tell us what is up with the two of them.”
“Yeah,” Lyla agreed, “we want to help Ashley, but we have no idea about their history.” Danny looked at his two girls, and snickered. His laugh held no humor at all.
“Do you two think I’m going to share Ashley and Ryan’s personal history with you? Come on! I love you like daughters but of anyone, you two should understand how important it is to keep your secrets and to share them when you’re good and ready.” He looked pointedly at Lyla. “So, Ly, you ready to show us your skeletons?” Lyla narrowed her eyes in agitation and Ashley knew Danny was right. He knew Lyla wouldn’t be sharing anything about her past anytime time soon.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about, Danny.” Ashley watched as Lyla took a long sip of her martini and Janie tried to ignore the verbal ping pong match between her best friend and her pseudo father. That was one of the reasons why Ashley loved Danny the way she did. He was fiercely loyal and he protected those he loved. He truly was her father in all the ways that counted.
“Nothing to say, Ly? That’s what I thought.” Danny smirked, “I need to run back to the office for a bit. I’ll be back in a few.”
Danny retreated and headed to his office but not before Ashley heard Lyla’s loud voice shout, “Running away makes you look weak, Danny. Just sayin’.”
“Drink your drink, girlie,” Danny remarked over his shoulder through laughter.
After his office door was shut, Ashley let out a long exhale from the breath she hadn’t realized she was holding. Danny had kept her secrets safe. Just another reason why she loved him so much. The night went by quickly. Pretty soon it was one a.m. and the crowd had finally begun to thin out. Disgust boiled through Ashley as she glared at the Goth girl hanging on Ryan’s every word. Fuck that—she was hanging on Ryan, period, like he was some kind of fucking jungle gym.
“Ashley.” Janie’s voice snapped her out of the semi-violent daydreams she was having about a certain raven-haired, black-lipped monkey who was pawing at her man.
Oh, God, he isn’t my man. What the hell? I’ve got to stop feeling this way. I told him to move on. That’s what he’s doing.
“Earth to Ashley!”
“Sorry, chickies, I…I was just thinking about something.”
“Yeah, honey, we see exactly what you were thinking about.” Lyla nodded her head in the direction of Ryan and the Goth girl. “Your lip was doing this fucked-up, crazy, twitchy thing. It would have been bizarre if it weren’t so entertaining.”
“Lyla,” Janie admonished her friend. “That was not at all helpful. True, but not helpful.” Ashley watched as the two women shared a look—a private look that clearly held a message. She wanted to know what that message was and luckily for her, she didn’t have to wait long.
“Ashley, are you available on Saturday?” Lyla asked. “Janie and I were thinking about doing pedicures and lunch and we want you to come with us.”
Ashley still got excited when Lyla included her in their plans. While Janie and Ashley had become pretty close rather quickly, Lyla was still something of an enigma. Just when Ashley thought she had her pegged, Lyla would do something that totally threw her off. It wasn’t that Ashley was desperate for friends, she just valued Lyla’s brand of friendship. Open. Honest. No bullshit.
“Man,” Ashley winced, “I wish I were. I’m actually busy on both Saturday and Sunday for the next three weekends. It’s the annual Coat Drive for the shelter I volunteer at, so between the extra people coming in and out dropping off donations, and the needy coming in to get their winter coats and gloves, the foot traffic nearly triples, sad to say.” Ashley saw her compassion mirrored on her friends’ faces. Another reason why she loved and respected them as much as she did.
“Oh, that’s right,” Janie acknowledged. “I’m actually signed up to help next Sunday for a couple of hours.” Ashley nodded and gave her a grateful smile.
“And I was told during the fundraising meeting that we received a very generous donation from a ‘D. Dolls’.” Ashley shot a knowing glance to Lyla.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” she grinned.
“Really?” Janie and Ashley laughed simultaneously.
“Ly, D. Dolls? As in, Danny’s Dolls?” Giggles burst from Janie’s mouth. “If you wanted to be anonymous, you should have picked a better name. Like, Mike Smith—no one would have guessed that was you,” Janie laughed hysterically.
“I know,” Lyla conceded, her lip furled and her arms crossed over her chest. “I just wanted to see how long it would take, Rainbow Brite over here”—Lyla gestured to the orange and red streaks in Ashley’s hair—“to figure it out.”
“Hey, you,” Ashley threw a coaster, Frisbee style, at Lyla, “don’t get all snappy at me just ‘cause a certain tall, dark, and broody guy wasn’t here tonight.”
“I didn’t even notice Gage wasn’t here,” Lyla snapped back too quickly, and then back peddled as she realized her mistake. “Whatever, there are plenty of bikers on the road, I’m sure I can find one who would love to give me a long hard ride.” She punctuated her statement with a wink that had both Janie and Ashley giggling.
“Okay, if you girls are done, I’d like to kidnap this one right here,” Max said, swooping Janie off her bar stool and throwing her over his broad shoulder. She squealed and giggled but made no effort to escape the man who had captured her heart. From over his shoulder she and the other two women made spa plans for three weeks from then before Max and Janie left Danny’s as they did most nights. Together.
IT WAS LATE and except for the soft glow of the neon lights that hung on the walls, the bar was dark. Ashley closed her eyes and took in the sounds and smells of Danny’s. She loved being in the bar after closing—when everyone was gone and the place felt like her own private heaven. After Janie and Max had made their grand exit, Lyla found herself a “repeat offender”—a term she used for someone she had been with more than once—and left right behind them. Ryan did his part of the clean up and cashed-out quickly, leaving with Goth girl drooling right behind him. Lastly, Danny and Julie had headed to their office to do the bookkeeping for the night.
Ashley walked out from behind the bar and sat on a stool, remembering the first day she walked into Danny’s. It was the first day she felt like she finally belonged. This place was home.
After a few moments of reflection, Ashley walked to the back office to tell Danny and Julie that she was leaving. As she lifted her hand to knock on their door soft moans drifted from the other side. Nice, she smiled. After nearly thirty years of marriage those two still have a passion that most people never find, or never keep.
Sadness swept through her. She had felt that kind of passion once. The corners of her eyes burned with the salty sadness that gathered as she turned and left the bar and headed for the parking lot. She had known what it was like to want nothing more than to breathe the same air of the person you loved. She knew how it felt to have her whole body respond to another person’s mere presence. To not even need to see them to know that they were in the same room. She knew how it felt to have the gentlest lips press against hers. To have those same lips turn hungry and needy, as if they could only be sated by the taste of her mouth, her tongue, her taste.
> Oh God, Ryan. If I could only turn back time, she thought to herself as she walked to her car. Images of her and Ryan tangled up in each other’s arms filled her thoughts, only to be doused by the visions of him leaving with another of his many girls.
She picked up her pace, nearly running to her car. She knew Danny and Julie would be unhappy that she was walking alone in the dark but she couldn’t bring herself to bother them while they were stealing tender moments together. Of all people, she knew how quickly life could change. No one ever knew if or when it would be their last time with the one they loved.
TOSSING HER KEYS in the bowl in the foyer, Ashley wiped the sweat from her brow. The four-mile run from the shelter to her house was an incredible cardio workout. Charistown was a beautiful town, full of natural slopes and valleys—perfect for runners, challenging for walkers and magnificent for sightseers. It was a picture perfect day. The early November air was crisp and cool and the brightly colored leaves were falling from the trees like large snowflakes.
As she unlaced her running shoes she heard the squeaks and thumps that could only be associated with one thing. “Fuck, he has someone here, again?” While his visitors had definitely lessened, Ashley’s jealousy had spiked. With fingers clenched into tight fists, she pounded up the stairs and through the hallway. She slammed her knuckles onto the door that separated her from Ryan’s room, and began to shout at the wood divider as if it would give her the satisfaction of answering back.
“Seriously, Ryan, enough is e-fucking-nough!” Ashley’s trademark calm had finally snapped. She rarely lost her temper. Her heart raced as small beads of perspiration trickled down the column of her spine. She had trained herself to never let anyone see her get angry, or upset, or sad, or any emotion other than happy or sarcastic. Those were things she could control, and so that’s what people were allowed to see. However, right now…right now she was angry. Her mood felt as red as the streaks in her blonde hair.
Using the palm of her hand she banged on his door. “Open your fucking door, Ryan Baker, or so help me God, I will break it down and boot your little ‘moaning Lisa’ out of my goddamn house!” She slammed on the door once more. “Ryan—”
The door opened quickly and Ashley stumbled into Ryan’s bedroom. His arm shot out and he caught her just before her stumble became a fully-fledged trip. Her skin met his hand causing electric charges to shoot up her arms and down her torso. Just a simple touch of his body to hers had the power to affect her on a visceral level. Clearly the affect was not lost just on her, if the look of desire burning in his eyes was anything to go by. Her mind blanked, her angry words vaporized and she gasped for air that had chosen that moment to leave her lungs. “Close your mouth, Princess, you’ll catch flies. And by the way, her name is Sue.”
“It’s Drew,” giggled a voice from the bed.
Well, that pulled her out of her lust-induced stupor. Ryan stood in the doorway shirtless, the top button on his jeans undone and his erection obvious. His lazy smile set butterflies off in her belly, which pissed her off even more. How in the hell could she be attracted to this man after all this time—hell, after all these women? She didn’t understand it but she was, and that spiked her anger and frustration, breaking limits she didn’t even know possible. Would she ever be able to move on? Would there ever be a time when looking at him didn’t melt her?
“Ryan,” Ashley seethed. Her hazel eyes flashed with anger, her cheeks were pink with frustration and embarrassment, and her fists remained clenched at her sides. God, Ryan thought to himself, she is so fucking beautiful. “Are you even listening to me?” She yelled.
“Umm, no,” he admitted, sheepishly. “Can you repeat that last part?”
“RYAN!” Now she was full on screaming, he had never seen this before. If he wasn’t so worried that she might have a stroke, this would actually be funny. “—then you can just get the hell out.”
Ryan couldn’t believe what he just semi heard. He had been living with Ashley for over four years. “Wait, what? You’re kicking me out?”
“Yes! If you can’t respect the fact that I live here—that this is my house…God, Ryan, what makes you think I need to hear you fucking random girls every day of the week?” His gaze dropped to her fists, balled so tightly they were trembling.
“I can’t stand it anymore. I just can’t…”
Ryan looked into Ashley’s eyes and saw pain. He hadn’t seen any real emotion in Ashley’s eyes in years and in that moment he wanted to reach out and touch her, to stop the games and finally explain that he had been burying himself in wrong just to forget about the right that he wasn’t allowed to have. As luck would have it, the moment cracked as did the woman’s voice when she, again called to him from his bed. With his eyes glued to Ashley’s face, Ryan watched as the emotion bled out of her eyes and the ever-present mask slid back into place.
“Ash?” He reached toward her but paused when she backed away from his touch.
“Don’t, Ry. Just…don’t. Put a fucking ball gag in their mouths, or find a new place to live.” She turned around and stormed out and he knew that the sound of the front door slamming was indicative of more than just Ashley leaving the house. He had finally pushed her too damn far.
“Fuck!”
He knew in his heart that he was done playing. It was time to stop being a pussy and man up. He’d hurt his woman for the last time. But how did he help fix what he’d broken? How did he help heal her pain? How did he get her to see that they were meant to be together? Most importantly…
How the hell did he get Sue out of his bed?
Hurricane Weather
WITH THE GANG all relaxing in the family room of Max and Janie’s house—stomachs full and spirits high—Ashley couldn’t help but to look around at her family. She loved that Max and Janie had finally been able to get their shit figured out and find true happiness with each other.
Kyle was a different story altogether. Between his dry cracked lips, his slightly green pallor, his bloodshot eyes, and his overall rundown appearance, Ashley yet again had a strong suspicion it was no longer just alcohol running through his blood. She’d have to talk to the girls about him in the morning during their Starbucks “therapy” session and then their spa day that they were finally making the time to take. Janie was even taking off from work for this event, which made the day all the more special for the ladies. Ashley found it easier to worry about other people’s problems because it kept her mind from traveling to her own issues.
During halftime of the Eagles game, Julie, Lyla, and Janie went into the kitchen to get refills for the drinks. Even though Ashley could hear the giggles of her girlfriends down the hall she couldn’t bring herself to smile. She hadn’t been feeling like herself lately and pretending to be someone she wasn’t was beginning to take a lot more effort than it used to. If she were being honest with herself, which was something she tried extremely hard not to do, and it was something she was getting really fucking sick of. Thinking about the people in this house, her friends, even more…they were her family, she knew deep down, they would love her if she stopped pretending, but the real question was…could she love herself? Could she ever forgive herself for all of the pain she caused in her past? Did she even deserve to be happy when he no longer could?
When the weather forecast announcing the upcoming arrival of Hurricane Leo came on the television Ashley’s world went silent as she felt her insides go rigid and her heart begin to thud quickly in her chest. The ba-boom ba-boom ba-boom of her heart and the whooshing sound of her blood through her ears were the only two noises that infiltrated the complete stillness of the space around her. She looked down only to see the fierce trembling of her interlocked hands, but was completely powerless to stop her shaking.
Upon hearing the forecast, Ryan quickly dropped his vision to the beautiful woman sitting curled into herself on the plush carpet by his feet. While he couldn’t see her face, he could see her arms looped around her long legging covered legs. Her han
ds were tightly clasped and shaking like leaves on a tree in a windstorm. His mind cleared of any and all thoughts other than protecting the woman sitting before him. Without any care to the consequences of his actions, or the questions in the eyes of the surrounding witnesses, he slid his tall body off of the sofa and onto the floor behind Ashley. As if it were second nature, he pulled her between his jean-clad legs and wrapped his strong tattooed arms around her. Holding her tight, he breathed in her familiar scent and promised himself, this time…this time he would do right by her.
The pair was quiet—not a sound came from either one, but their silence screamed pain. It was evident that not everyone in the room was clued in to what just happened between two of their closest friends, but by the quiet that blanketed the once cozy space, it was obvious that the coming storm was going to bring a whole lot more than just rain.
“Ashley, darling.” Danny stooped to his knees and cupped her chin in his huge palms. “Look at me, little one. You are not alone. You’re surrounded by people who love you.” Ashley barely registered Julie’s close proximity until she felt soft hands on her own tightened fists.
Julie’s soft, maternal tone sent warmth to the pit of Ashley’s belly. “This time, sweet girl, we’ll get through it together.” As fast as the warmth had come, it left, leaving numbness and fear shrouding her like a plastic bag. She needed air. She needed quiet. She needed to get out of the house. Standing on shaky legs, she blindly made her way to the front door.
“Umm, I’m sorry to do this but I need to leave. I’ll see you guys later.”
Ryan’s heart clenched at the complete lack of emotion in Ashley’s tone. He did what he promised himself he would always do for Ashley. He got up, rested his hand on the base of her spine and supported her as she silently walked out the door into the dark of the night.