by Lisa N. Paul
Ashley shrugged out of the man’s grip and walked closer to the disaster that had once been her lifeline. “I’m sorry, Miss, but we can’t let you any closer to the site. Even though the fire is contained, the building isn’t stable. Please, it’s pouring, this storm is tenacious and it’s not going anywhere,” he shouted over the wind. “You need to get to a safe place. Let me call someone for you.”
“I don’t have anyone,” she whispered, her tears mixed with the rain streaming down her face. “I have nothing left. I’m all alone now.”
Trembling, she slowly made her way to the ground, her legs drew up tight and her arms wrapped tightly around them. “I have nothing left. I’m all alone now,” she repeated as she rested her head into her knees.
There she was. Sitting on the sidewalk, curled so tightly into herself it was painful for Ryan to witness. He knew exactly what she was doing. She was trying to shield herself, to make herself numb to the inescapable agony surrounding her. He could recall the first time he’d seen her coiled in tightly like that. It was the night she had built her fortress—the night she had sat guard outside the morgue and created walls too high for him to climb and too thick for him to break through. They had a close friendship for a lot of years, and even that took a lot of patience and a very large chisel. Now thanks to his stupidity, he had all but lost the small opening he had made with her. And this, this was his own private hell.
His heart splintered as he watched her from a distance, but the damn thing cracked clear in half when he got close enough to hear her cries. Seeing her car at the top of the street had the memories of Leo’s wreck slamming into him like a freight train. Seeing Leo’s car shattered and flattened under the tree. His body broken and mangled, hanging on for mere minutes, if only just to give Ryan advice on how to love Ashley.
Breaths that were ultimately wasted on advise that had gone unused. So the only thing that stopped Ryan from a full-blown melt down was his deep need to get to Ashley—to make sure she was well, to wrap his arms around her, to protect her from going through any more pain alone. He’d left the abandoned vehicle and ran like the hounds of hell were chasing him to get to her.
“I have nothing left, I’m all alone now.” He watched her body tremble violently in the cold, wet, stormy night and his eyes quickly traveled to the remains of their touchstone. If his loss felt insurmountable he could only imagine what Max and Kyle would be feeling right now. And Danny and Julie, oh God, their pain. Shivers ran through his own solid frame as he thought about their loss. Even as his family’s hurt weighed heavily on his mind, thoughts of everything but the beautiful heartbroken woman before him vaporized the minute he heard her sobbing, “Leo, I’m so sorry. We had everything in each other.
And Ryan…God, you must hate what I’ve done to him.” Her words became jumbled as her sobs wracked her body. “I deserve what I’ve become, Leo.” Her words were killing him, her tears sliced him, and his emotions bounced all over the place, making it impossible for him to settle on just one. Was he sad? Hurt? Confused? Angry? He didn’t know. All he did know was that he needed to get to her to comfort her. He needed to alleviate her pain, to somehow absorb it. He didn’t care how he did it, as long as he never had to see her look like that again.
She felt his presence a split second before a Mylar blanket slipped around her shoulders and his firm body pressed up against hers. She hadn’t realized how cold she was until there was a modicum of relief from the bitterness.
“Ashley, baby, why are you apologizing to Leo? Why, even for one second, would you think that he would blame you for what happened to him? And what, besides being a stubborn pain in the ass, have you done to me?” I love him, that was the first thought that shot through her mind. Her insides were bleeding, her soul was crying but this man made her want to smile. Still. Two times in one night, the box labeled “past” was being dropped at her feet and the key placed in her hand. She knew then, in that moment, that it was time. It felt like Leo himself was begging her to finally open up and let go of the burden she was carrying. Looking at the devastation in front of her and feeling the warmth and love of the man beside her, she knew, she’d never be granted this chance again.
The cold rain sluiced over her face as she turned to stare in the dark pools of understanding. The only lights were those still set up by the emergency units. Her mind buzzed with hurt, pain, and guilt, but she couldn’t escape the need to watch the beautiful man sitting there, unwavering in his support like he had been through most of their lives. As she eyed him, she found the hurt, the pain and the guilt replaced with the warmth, the security, and the peace that was…home. Wrapped in the arms of the only man she had ever loved, Ashley Kynde allowed the impenetrable walls that had been separating them for so long to finally come crashing down.
“Everyone expected perfection,” she said, staring at the rubble while the cold rain poured down her face. “I expected it too. Leo, he was the free spirit…everything I was too scared to let myself be. I was busy trying to make my parents see me. Really see me. Leo should have been enough—I realize that now—but I wanted them too. By the time we were in high school, everyone saw me as sweet, innocent Ashley who could do no wrong.” She turned her head and met his soft brown gaze, “Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep up with that expectation?”
“Princess, I never saw you the way you saw yourself, but we can get into that later.” He cupped her hands, his skin felt so warm on her frozen fingers, “please continue.”
Before she could say another word a police officer approached and told them they had to evacuate. He gave them both a ride to Ashley’s abandoned car and Ryan carefully drove the pair of them home. Lost in her thoughts, Ashley continued to speak and he continued to listen.
“When you and Leo became friends”—he watched as her eyes danced with the memories—“I was so happy. Not just because you were super hot, but because Leo finally had someone he could relate to—someone like a brother. He always told me that our parents’ neglect bothered me more than it did him, but I couldn’t imagine how that could be the case. So, you were like the family I’d always wanted for him.”
Ryan wanted so badly to interrupt. To explain to her that while she and her brother had been as close as two siblings could be, in some ways she really hadn’t known Leo that well. Leo was a glass-half-full kind of guy. While he thought his parents sucked, he’d stopped being affected by them at a young age and the only thing that bothered him was how deeply their indifference hurt Ashley. She’d spent her time worrying about him for no reason, but he kept his mouth shut, and let her speak and she did so for quite a while.
Once they were safely tucked inside their house, Ryan built a fire in the brick fireplace while Ashley stripped out of her clothes in front of him. Gone was her sense of decorum or modesty, and in its place was the cold chill from the rain mixed with raw pain of freshly open wounds. Clearly, she had no problem letting him see her in nothing but her bra and panties, he thought, because tonight, he was seeing so much more than just her skin. He was finally seeing her soul, stripped down, and laid bare. No more hiding. This was her. He drank in every inch of her beauty even after she slipped the fleecy sweatshirt over her head and eased into drawstring sweatpants.
“Ash” he said quietly as they sat on the pallet hearthside, “what I don’t understand, is why you think any of this is your fault? Why have you been able to forgive me for the accident but not yourself?” He couldn’t begin to imagine the answer that was going to come out of her mouth. Even hearing Lyla suggest it felt strange, though seeing the look of complete resignation on Ashley’s face, he knew Lyla had been correct.
“Ry, you hurt me and you lost me. We both lost in that game.” He watched as Ashley dug her long fingers into the soft blankets on the floor, but didn’t try to offer her support. Something inside told him she needed to take this step on her own.
“But you paid a price so much steeper than just losing the girl. You lost your best friend, your broth
er. He didn’t just leave you. God, you found him trapped in his car with his life flowing out of him along with I don’t even know what else, because I’ve spent years being too damn selfish to ask you.” Tears rolled down her cheeks as the trembling words left her mouth.
“You stayed with him during the last minutes of his life, Ryan. How could I not forgive you for anything you said to me? My brother died with family by his side…because of you.” She looked at him, her eyes brimming with tears. “Not once in all these years have I thanked you for being there with him. Not once did I ask you if you were okay or give you the opportunity to unburden your pain. He was my brother, and it was my loss, my grief. I was so selfish and I am so sorry Ryan. I’m not sure if it means anything after all these years, but thank you. Thank for being there with my brother.”
He wondered if she could hear his heart beating. Did she know that her words—her absolution—were healing something deep inside of him he hadn’t even realized was still broken? He allowed his tears to fall without embarrassment or shame and listened as Ashley continued her confession.
“Then there’s me—‘Perfect Ashley’. I got my heart broken by a guy and was too weak to deal with it. So I called my big brother to rush to my aid. I knew the hurricane was coming. I knew that driving was dangerous. But I wanted him with me. And look what happened? Had I just been tougher, just been stronger and held back my emotions, he would have never been out that night.”
In that instant, the realization struck him hard. He finally understood why she’d become the tattooed, pierced, swearing, closed off, snarky Ashley. It was her self-inflicted punishment for Leo’s death.
“I just can’t forgive myself for that kind of selfishness. I’m no better than my mother.” She turned, staring back toward the fireplace, and wiped at the steady flow of tears.
His body was thrumming with conflicting emotions as he watched Ashley melt into a puddle of her own guilt and dismay. It wasn’t until he heard her gasp, that he realized he had cupped her upper arms and turned her whole body ninety degrees to face him.
“I can’t stand it anymore, Ashley. I came to this town more than four years ago to find you and, yes, you were here, but you also weren’t. There were so many changes it was almost hard to recognize you. Don’t get me wrong, parts of the transformation are amazing—like the way you’ve learned to stand up for yourself and how you throw your sass at just the right time.”
He ran his gaze from her eyes to her crossed legs and breathed in her scent, “Physically you were always stunning, but in the time we were apart you grew into a sexiness that I never even knew existed—but Princess, that’s where the good changes ended. I still saw the old Ashley in you—your generosity and your kindness—yet all of your warmth?” Ryan snapped his fingers. “Gone. All of your openness? Gone. All of the softness that made you, you? Gone. While I’ve seen a little of the old Ashley creeping back in since you’ve become closer with Lyla and Janie, you still keep yourself at arm’s length from everyone. Even yourself. Ash,” He reached over and lifted the side of her sweatshirt, exposing her inked ribs. “Leo’s words weren’t meant to lead you into darkness, you know that, Princess. He always looked toward the light.” He paused for a moment, hoping that his words were sinking into her, praying that she was not only hearing him but believing him.
“I told you earlier, that you’ve been rewriting history, and I could kick myself for letting this go on for as long as I have.” His warm finger lifted her chin as he stared into her soul. “Have you honestly forgotten why he came home in the first place? And it wasn’t so he could fuck ‘what’s her name’”
“Toni.” Ashley answered, her voice hoarse and quiet.
“It doesn’t matter—listen, the point is, he didn’t come home to be with her. He came home to be with you, because he hated big storms as much as you did. He couldn’t stomach the thought of you being alone in that fucking house. He was leaving Toni’s house regardless of your call and I’m sure you’ve conveniently blocked this out of your twisted version of history as well but, Ashley, Hurricane Wilma tore Miami apart. There were hundreds of downed trees and electrical poles. If it hadn’t been the one on Beacon Hill it could have been another one, on another street.” She opened her mouth, he assumed it was to interrupt him, but he gave her his “No-Nonsense-BarTender” look and she closed her mouth without saying a word.
“You think you were being, what was your word, ‘selfish’ because a guy broke your heart?” Was she insane? He fucked up back then. Him. And she’s found a way to claim that blame as well. “Are you fucking kidding me?” He knew his tone was sharp, but he was bleeding for his part of the pain she shouldered all this time.
“That guy promised to love you and to keep you safe. That guy promised you forever and asked you to trust him with your heart and your soul, and then…” He swallowed the large lump in his throat, “That guy took everything you gave to him willingly and threw it away, so of course you were hurt, of course you were heartbroken. That didn’t make you weak or selfish…that made you fucking human.”
“Ryan,” she reached out to touch his arm, but he flinched just before she could make contact, her touch was like electricity and he needed to ground himself before he let her skin touch his. He saw the look of rejection and hurt pass over her face as she moved to pull her hand away. He needed her touch more than he needed to protect himself, so he placed both of his hands over hers and pulled her closer to him, pressing her palms on the left side of his chest.
“Do you feel that?” His question was broad, the answers were endless. The look on her face told him that she was feeling so many things all at once.
“Do you feel my heart, beating, Princess?”
She nodded, her eyes never leaving his, her touch making his already racing heart pound even faster. “You said we both lost the game. You said that I just lost the girl and my brother too, but you’re wrong, Princess. Yes, I lost my best friend, my brother, but I didn’t just lose the girl that day—I lost my heart.
“When I first came here and we made love, that’s exactly what it was for me. Me loving you. And after that happened I thought we would finally get our happily ever after.”
Ryan let his mind tumble back to that night, when he thought he’d finally found his woman and his happiness. When he thought he’d finally found heaven after living in hell, only to have it ripped away after one incredible night. He stared into the fireplace watching the flames caress each other in the most erotic and seductive dance. He remembered what it felt like to have her heat wrapped in his even for just one night.
“I was devastated when you told me that it was nothing more than fun for you, but in the same breath, I was grateful. Because that was the day that my heart started to beat again. I may have lost the love of my life the day I threw it away, but my mistake has brought me pain every single day since. You’re not the only one who’s consumed with self-loathing, babe, because I’ve made myself watch as I lost more and more of you each day.”
“Okay, Romeo.” Her comment brought him a dash of hope that was quickly squashed when she removed her small hand from his chest, breaking all contact. His body mourned her touch and he tensed further as she slid back on the pallet, creating distance between them. Even with her puffy eyes and tearstained face, her beauty overwhelmed him, and it took mammoth effort not to reach for her to pull her back into his embrace.
“Okay, what, Princess?” He knew there were landmines awaiting his approach but he had no idea where they were, or how to avoid them.
“So, you’ve loved me forever, you’ve hated yourself for hurting me, and you’ve watched me suffering for years? That’s your story, right?”
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
Alarms were blaring in his head and he noticed her eyes dancing with mischief. She’s baiting me. This is a trap. His thoughts ran rampant as panic started to rise, but then, just as quickly, that same panic ebbed and dispersed. When was the last time he’d seen true openness in the hazel gem
s reflecting back at him?
“Yeah, Ash, that’s my story and it’s the truth. Why are you questioning it? Haven’t I proven my loyalty to you?” Ashley looked at him as if she was deciding whether or not to believe his explanation.
“Hmm…” He watched as she tapped her finger against her bottom lip. “Romeo, oh Romeo, why did you fuck so many damn Juliets?”
BOOM!!
He watched as her internal thoughts played out on her face. When she let her guard down he was able to read her like a beautifully written book. She had finally let him crack her cover and now he needed to return the favor. While she’d posed the question as more of a joke, he saw her need for a genuine answer and he was going to give it to her.
So, after taking in a deep breath, he explained everything. All about his talk with Max and Kyle, and all about trying to move on without Ashley by replacing thoughts of her with random women.
“W-wa-wait,” Ashley’s laughter interrupted her, causing her to repeat herself. “You went to those two for advice about women? About me? Ryan, eight months ago Max and Janie were a disaster, and Kyle…well, he’s Kyle.” She rubbed her hand over her eye and shook her head. “Okay, I can only imagine the sage advice those two idiots had to offer.”
“I’ll be honest,” Ryan said, small laugh lines crinkled at the sides of his eyes, “Max did warn me that it would be a bad idea to parade random women around you. But…” The soft crinkles left his temples. He needed to be serious for a minute.
Her soft touch felt like satin on his skin, soft and smooth. “But what, Ry?” Knowing he would always choose honesty between them, he responded with the only answer her could. “But the thought of you feeling jealous, angry, or even pissed off at me was better than knowing you felt nothing at all.” The admission, while childish, made him feel lighter and freer. As he took what felt like his first deep breath in months, Ryan glanced at Ashley. He couldn’t decide how she was feeling so he waited patiently for her to speak.