Mom definitely had her good moments, though. She wasn't always so-called "psycho" and mean. I would never forget the time she stayed with me in the hospital when I was six and sick with pneumonia. She slept in that uncomfortable pull-out bed every night for three nights, never leaving my side. And then there was the time the school tried to prevent Tim from going on the eighth grade trip to Washington DC because he had a broken ankle. Mom ended up going with him, dressed like a normal woman, a normal mother for a change. Our mother wasn't all bad and psycho.
In mid-song, I turned off Cities in Dust and ventured out of my room. At ten in the morning, I knew Tim was at work and I assumed Jamie was somewhere in the house. After I made myself a cup of coffee, I headed to the back porch where I found Jamie sitting on one of the chairs, a sketchbook or something in his lap. I sat down across from him.
“An apology would be nice," he said. An apology for what? "You have no idea, do you?" I shrugged. "For pushing me in that gross water. I didn't deserve it." To me he deserved it. "And it was freezing."
"Don't touch me and don't touch my stuff," I said.
"I'll try to remember that," he said. We sat in silence for a few minutes, staring into the vast empty landscape of the Cameron property. The only thing in the yard was the above ground pool. Every now and again, I felt his eyes on me.
"Are you gay?" I asked, a question that just popped in my head.
"Excuse me?" he said.
"Tim says you can't make up your mind," I said. "Do you prefer men or women?"
"Well, I don't think that's any of your business, Tim's baby brother," he said. Very quickly, Jamie discovered how to get under my skin. "You shouldn't have pushed me in the pool." Leaving my coffee on the table, I decided to go for a walk, but something stopped me from going alone.
"Come with me if you want," I said, walking down the porch steps. I wasn't sure why I asked him to come with me since I was so used to walking alone and he just called me "Tim's baby brother,” purposely annoying me. "You coming?" A few seconds later Jamie got up and followed me. I took him a different way this time.
"Do you live in your underwear?" he asked since I was in my boxers again. There was no sense in changing since I didn't go anywhere. "I guess you're not going to answer that."
Jamie followed me as I led him through a trail of raspberry bushes. The raspberries had just ripened and I wished I had brought a container to put them in. Standing in the middle of the bushes, I picked a handful of raspberries. "Don't eat that," Jamie said as I popped a couple of berries in my mouth.
"What? Why?" I asked with my mouth full. "I've been eating these forever. Here, have one."
"They're not poisonous?" he said, taking a couple of raspberries from me.
"No, they're not poisonous," I said. Jamie ate the raspberries after some hesitation.
"They're good," he said and took a few more out of my palm. My stomach fluttered as his fingers clipped my palm.
With Jamie at my heels and another handful of raspberries, I led him into a clearing, a meadow primarily full of dandelions and buttercups. I had spent many summer afternoons out here. I lay down in the middle, wondering if Jamie would do the same. He did, lying beside me.
“It's getting hot, huh?" he said. It was turning out to be a hot humid summer day in Massachusetts. The mosquitoes would surely be out soon. As Jamie lay beside me, his fingers brushed against mine. I didn't like to be touched, especially from him. He made the insides of my stomach squirm. Staring up and into the clear blue sky, I brought my hands to the back of my head.
"I prefer men," he said after a minute or two of silence. "But it's not like I don't like women. I do. It's just...I don't know...it's complicated, I guess. Sometimes I think it's just easier to be straight. My dad has enough on his plate, you know. My mother was diagnosed with dementia a few years ago. They don't know if it's Alzheimer's or what, but it's just gotten worse. She's only sixty-five, but they think her memory problems started in her fifties. She recognizes my dad and me and my sister, but she's not the mother I once knew. My dad can barely cope. She's like a toddler who needs to be watched all the time. I mean, you can't let her out of your sight for a second. Do you think it's wrong for me to leave and go to London for a year?" He looked at me as if he was truly seeking my opinion or advice. "You think it's wrong for me to leave, don't you?" I wasn't sure what I thought. "I've waited for this opportunity for years. My dad tells me to go. I should go, right? My mom has my aunts and my sister and...and...I just don't know."
I wasn't so oblivious to not recognize how emotional Jamie became talking about his mother. Tim never mentioned anything about Jamie's mother, so I wondered if he even knew. Maybe she was the reason he chose to live with Tim instead of his parents for the summer.
"My mother hasn't spoken since I was ten," I said. "I miss her. Do you miss yours?"
"Yes, I do," he said. "Very much." Our heads turned toward each other so our eyes met. Making eye contact with others was always difficult for me, but my eyes stayed on Jamie's for a few seconds.
"Would your mother want you to go?" I said with my eyes still on Jamie's.
"Yes, I think she would," he said.
"Then I think you should go. It's just a year, right?" Jamie smiled and the flutters in my stomach returned.
"I like it when you talk," he said. "I wish you would talk more often." My eyes shifted back to the sky.
A few minutes of comfortable silence passed.
"What do you want to do today?" he asked as if we were suddenly best friends. Digging my toes into the grass, I didn't know what to say. "Okay. You want to do nothing." We were silent again for a few more minutes, the sound of crickets and summer nature the only things heard in the immediate vicinity. "Do you go to school? You're not in high school, right?" He leaned over me when I didn't respond. "Are you in high school?" he asked irritably. "Yes or no?”
"No," I said, equally irritably.
"So you go to college?"
"Yes," I said.
"Where?"
"Southern New Hampshire," I said. "Online."
"So you spend all your time in that house alone?"
"I'm not in the house right now."
"You know what I mean. I don't get it." What's not to get? "What are you? Eighteen, Nineteen? You should be out with friends, living it up while you can." Jamie really didn't know anything. Done with all this talking, I got up and ran into the woods.
Jamie was relentless, running after me. "Why do you always run away? I'm just talking to you. You can't live in isolation forever."
Who said I couldn't?
What's So Funny 'Bout Peace, Love and Understanding
Saturday was laundry day and had been for as long as I could remember. Any changes to my routine would send me over the edge so I was pretty annoyed to find Jamie's clothes in the washing machine. In a huff, I removed all of his clothes from the machine and dumped them on the floor.
"What do you think you're doing?" Jamie asked, catching me red-handed.
"I do my laundry on Saturday morning," I said, walking passed him and out of the room.
"Are those the rules?" he said.
"Yes," I said, heading to the kitchen for some breakfast.
"You're a piece of work, you know that?" Jamie said, following me to the kitchen. I was done talking to him.
"Uh-oh," Tim said. "What'd he do now?"
"He dumped my wet clothes on the floor," he said.
"He does his laundry on Saturday morning," Tim said in my defense.
"How was I supposed to know?" Jamie said. "He could have put mine in the dryer for me or he could have just done his laundry later in the day. There, that's an idea, right?" Tim and I both stared at an angry and annoyed Jamie.
"You don't have to stay here," Tim said.
"Yeah, I know, but you've got good weed," he said and went outside to the back porch.
Tim directed his attention to me after Jamie left. "You really could have waited until he at least put his
clothes in the dryer," he said. He knew better than to make such a comment. "Never mind. I take that back."
After finishing my Cocoa Puffs, I returned to the laundry room to complete my Saturday morning chore. As I transferred my wet clothes into the dryer, I realized I had accidentally washed my earbuds—again. So far they survived each wash, but I wasn't so sure this time. Holding them up, I discovered that the wire was frayed. My heart raced in a panic. No, this can't be happening! I plugged the earbuds in my phone and discovered the horrible truth; they were broken and I didn't have a backup. Instead of going to Tim and asking him to take me to the store to buy a new set, I couldn't think or see past the fact that they were broken. I chucked my phone against the wall. In an uncontrollable rage, I threw each piece of clothing around the small laundry room, screaming and carrying on like "a wild animal," as Tim would say. Tim and his houseguest came running in.
"What's going on?" Tim said.
My hands shook nearly uncontrollably as I held my mangled earbuds. "What am I going to do? I don't know what to do."
"You scared the crap out of me," Tim said. "I hate it when you do that." Since he wasn't taking me seriously—again—I gave him one big shove. I was bigger and taller than him, so I had enough force to injure him if I really wanted to.
"Hey," Jamie intervened, stepping between us in case I went after him again, which I was inclined to do. Tim rarely retaliated with physical force, maybe because he was afraid of me.
"I hate it when you overreact like this," Tim said. "I thought you were hurt or something. I..." I tried to get passed Jamie to get to him, but Jamie stopped me, holding my wrists so I couldn't move. He was touching me after I had told him not to touch me. So what did I do? I spit in his face. "I can't believe you," Tim said. "Just stop it, okay? You can borrow my headphones until you get your own." Tim really didn't get me sometimes.
"Let go of me," I growled at Jamie and kicked him in his shin, forcing him to let go, doubling over in pain. Embarrassed, instantly regretting my actions, I bolted out of the room and out of the house. The pool was still a little green, but I jumped in the water anyway, maybe to cool myself off. I swam in the cold, green water for a few minutes, telling myself over and over, It's okay. It's okay. You're not going to die. It's okay. You'll get new ones.
As I swam, the last song I listened to popped in my head, Elvis Costello’s What’s so Funny ‘Bout Peace, Love, and Understanding. With the song playing in my head, I swam under water, bobbing back up again to sing a verse out loud. Another voice unexpectedly joined me, getting my attention. Jamie was there, up on the pool deck and looking down at me in the water. He sang the title of the song with me. I immediately stopped singing.
"Sorry," he said. "I just couldn't resist. So,” he sighed. “I was thinking we could go to the store and buy a new set of headphones."
Why would he take me to the mall after I just spit in his face and kicked him?
"Come on," he said. "I'm not angry. I know how much your music means to you. It could have been worse, right? You could have washed your phone instead."
Standing in the pool, I continued to look up at Jamie, confused with his motives.
Why would he offer to take me to the mall after how I treated him? He was weird, that's for sure.
“I have nothing to do today, anyway,” he said.
Jamie extended his hand down to help me out of the pool, not like I needed any help. I liked the idea of getting new headphones. Jamie seemed to understand me.
Something stopped me from getting out of the pool, though. I had this urge, something I had done to Tim a million times before. Grabbing hold of Jamie's hand tightly, I pulled him as hard as I could, so hard he tumbled into the water. Amused with myself, I burst into laughter, not something that came easily or naturally to me.
"You little shit," Jamie said and dunked me under the water, making me laugh even harder. He splashed me and dunked me again over and over until I started coughing.
"Does this mean we can't go to the mall?" I said after I regained my composure.
"You'll have to shower and get dressed before we go," he said. "I mean it."
Jamie and I made our way back into the house where Tim stopped us immediately. "What have you two been up to?" he asked. "Oh no. He got you, didn't he?"
"Yeah. I guess I'm a sucker, huh?" Jamie said.
"To be fair, I just stopped falling for that gag last year," Tim said.
"We're going to the Mall," I said.
"After your shower," Jamie clarified. "Wanna come?" he asked Tim.
“No, thanks," Tim said. "I hate shopping. You kids go have fun," he teased.
As I was told, I took a shower and changed into some freshly cleaned clothes I pulled out of the dryer. Tim had cleaned up the mess I made earlier, even putting all my wet clothes in the dryer. I threw on a pair of jeans and black Pixies t-shirt that read "Death to the Pixies" across the front. Tim got me that shirt a couple of birthdays ago. The Pixies happened to be one of my favorite bands, also because they were one of Mom’s favorites.
"Great shirt," Jamie said. He must have been a fan, too.
With the roof off Jamie’s jeep off, we took the back roads all the way across the border to New Hampshire to the closest shopping mall, blaring music the entire way. Shopping or going to public places was not really my thing, but I tolerated it since we were going shopping for me, specifically for headphones.
I pulled out my wallet and counted fifty dollars. Art sent me an allowance every month. He usually sent me a couple of hundred, sometimes more, but Tim always made me put most of the money in the bank. There were tons of headphones on display and I tried all of them. I concluded that maybe I should just buy a few of the cheap headphones, the ones with the earbuds in case they went through the laundry again. I really liked the blue wireless Sony headphones, though, and kept going back to them.
"Why don't you get those?" Jamie suggested. I pointed to the price sticker that read $200, then showed him the measly fifty bucks I had in my wallet. "They're on sale for one fifty. I can loan you a hundred." Why would he do that, especially after everything I said and did to him? "I bet you'll never let these go through the wash." I stared at him stupidly. "It's not like you can stick these in your pocket. That's it. I'm getting them. Pay me back later." I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing and accepted the headphones.
Holding the box tightly in my lap on the drive home, I couldn't wait to get home to try them out. Jamie's brown hair with the naturally blond streaks blew wildly in the wind. That's when I realized where I saw him before.
"Thor," I said.
"Huh?" Jamie said.
"You have the same hair as Thor," I said.
"What are you talking about?" he laughed, but with a hint of annoyance in his voice.
"Thor, the Norse god. Marvel Comics.”
"I know who Thor is," he said.
"Are you aspiring to look like him?"
"You know, I thought I liked you when you spoke, but I'm not so sure now." I got the hint and decided to keep my mouth shut. Jamie had a hard time keeping quiet, though, and just couldn't help himself. "Do you like Marvel Comics?" he asked.
"Yes," I said. Tim and I must have seen every Marvel Comics movie. I was Iron Man three times for Halloween.
"I'm not aspiring to look like Thor,” Jamie insisted.
I Wanna be Sedated
Jamie
The little shit told me I aspired to be Thor. Damn, that kid was irritating. He also happened to be fascinating at the same time, which was equally irritating.
For some reason, I cared what Jordan thought of me. He was a weird kid, maybe one of the strangest boys I'd ever met, but there was something very intriguing about him. It also didn't hurt that he was cute as anything with his dark hair of thick messy curls and matching dark brown eyes. He had two adorable dimples and great taste in music.
I didn't want to look like a comic book character. Examining myself in the mirror, I realized that the weird
boy was right. Together with my shoulder length hair and facial stubble, I sort of did look like Thor. No, I don't aspire to be Thor, I thought to myself, taking the scissors to my hair. One snip, then another. I'd done this before, about five years ago after I broke up with Dan. Actually, he broke up with me. He told me I was nothing but a child in a man's body. Maybe he was right.
Before Dan, I went out with Jennifer for a few months, but only after my boyfriend of four years, Gavin, the love of my life, died of diabetic complications. If he hadn't died, I was sure we'd still be together. Anyway, I basically shaved off my hair after Gavin died and cut off all my hair again after Dan broke up with me (I had a habit of growing my hair, then impulsively and drastically cutting it all off).
In my life, I only had four girlfriends: Alyssa was my first when I was fourteen. We didn't do much except hold hands and go to the mall. Then there was Elena when I was seventeen whom I lost my virginity to. We went out for about five months and even went to the Prom together, breaking up shortly after. Then there was Jennifer whom I went out with for two months after the Dan break up, and finally Gina whom I actually moved in with, more for convenience to split the rent. We lived together for about six months until Gina found out I was sleeping with another man. No wonder why she packed up all my shit and left it outside the apartment door.
Looking down at the floor, I observed clumps of dirty blond locks scattered all over the floor. With Tim's clippers, I buzzed the back and sides, leaving the top long, flipped over and parted to the side. My hair looked darker except for the top bit that was blonder than the rest. As I admired myself in the mirror, I wondered if my mother would recognize me now since I hadn't had my hair this short in a long time. For a minute I almost regretted my impulsive actions, but what's done was done.
After sweeping up my hair, I decided to go raid Tim's stash and went outside to the back porch to have a smoke. As I sat on the porch, the back screen door opened and Tim's cute, weird brother appeared. Turning my head to see him, I swore he blushed as he walked out and sat down beside me.
A Not So Typical Love Page 3