What exactly did Jamie think he'd accomplish by getting involved with an innocent, naive, inexperienced, and messed up nineteen year old boy who spent most of his time at home for a reason? There were plenty of good reasons why Jordan didn't live on campus. Maybe he was ready to take classes on campus, but I knew what could possibly happen if it didn't work out. I didn't want Jordan to have to go through that again. I didn't want him to fail.
"Are you making breakfast for Jamie?" I innocently asked. He shrugged. Turning slightly toward me, I spotted a mark on his shoulder. I had seen these types of marks on Jamie, too, and it wasn't just because Jordan was annoyed and bit him. "Breakfast in bed?" He didn't answer. "You never made me breakfast in bed." I teased him.
"And why would I do that?" He finally spoke.
"I don't know," I said. "Why would you, right? What are you going to do today?" I asked as he spooned the scrambled eggs onto two plates. "Besides laundry? You know it's Saturday, right?"
"I know," he said. "Should I go see Mom?"
"It's up to you," I said. "You were pretty upset the last time you went. What does Jamie want to do today?" He shrugged. "Maybe you should ask him."
"Yeah, okay," he said.
"Did you sleep okay with Jamie in your room?" I was just waiting for him to say something...anything about the two of them. He didn't respond, blushing instead. Before this summer, I'd never seen him blush in my entire life. Before this summer, I had never seen him do a lot of things. "Does he snore?" He smiled instead of answering.
"Do you think I made them right?" he asked, referring to the eggs. "Jamie showed me how to make omelets, but they're too hard for me so..." Jamie showed him how to make omelets?
"It looks right," I said. "It smells good."
Smiling, he left the kitchen to surprise his boyfriend with breakfast in bed. Art really didn't have to tell me he caught them naked in the pool, hugging and kissing. Art thought he was telling me something I didn't know, like I was at fault for letting "something like this" happen. Art was just trying to get a rise out of me, a reaction to prove I fucked up with Jordan and I was the reason he was the way he was. Well, if he was gay, I had nothing to do with that, not like I thought there was anything wrong with it.
Art was great at pointing out our faults, particularly mine in regards to all the issues Jordan has had over the years like I was actually the parent. When Art told me what he saw, I played it cool and said, "They're adults," while deep down I was seething with anger at all three of them: Art, Jordan, and Jamie. I already knew there was something going on between them, I just didn't need it thrown in my face. I had a hard time picturing my baby brother in the arms of another man, cringing at times thinking about it. Even though he was almost twenty, I still thought of him as a little kid.
I knew I had to let him go, that was something Kelly told me nearly every other day.
The first time I realized there was something going on between Jamie and Jordan was the day Jordan pushed Jamie in the pond. Jordan ran into the house after him apologizing profusely, which was not in his character to do. On top of that, he returned later with a bite mark on his shoulder and I knew that wasn't just a bruise surrounding it. He didn't even get upset when Jamie flung a carrot at him. The old Jordan would have thrown his entire plate at him in retaliation. This Jordan felt like he deserved the carrot thrown in his face.
Jamie Perron. That ass hole better not break his heart.
While I sat down at the kitchen table, Art showed up. He made himself a cup of coffee and sat down across from me.
"What's the boy up to today?" he asked. "Jordie" and "the boy," those were the words he used to refer to Jordan. "You're not going to let him stay up there with that man all day, are you?"
"Who's idea was it for Jamie to sleep in Jordan's room?" I said.
"I thought you'd be a man and put your foot down," he said.
"Jordan's not my son," I said. "It's too late now, anyway. He's too happy and he's never happy...like you would know." With my cup of coffee, I got up to go back upstairs. "He's not staying in that room all day. We're going to see Mom."
Maybe Jordan would say something to me during that long car ride to the group home. I knocked loudly on his bedroom door. After a few minutes, Jordan opened the door, stepping into the hallway, closing the door behind him.
"I'm going to take you to see Mom today," I said. "I haven't seen her in awhile and to tell you the truth, I have to get away from you know who." He didn't say anything, but his brow furrowed, a sign he wasn't happy. "Don't worry. Jamie will be here when you return." Again, not saying anything, he returned to his room. "We'll leave around noon time."
Bizarre Love Triangle
Jamie
No one had ever made me breakfast in bed. I certainly never expected it from Jordan. That's what made it even more special. After a brief conversation with Tim out in the hallway, Jordan now sulked on his bed.
"Hey, what's the matter with you?" I asked, kicking his foot with mine. He didn't say anything, taking a bite of his toast. "Is Tim okay? What's going on?"
"He's going to see Mom today," he said. "He's taking me instead of you." I wasn't actually planning on going anywhere today, so it was a little unfair of Jordan to assume I would take him again. I didn't mind taking him and going to the beach with him, but she was Tim's mother, too. Besides, I just didn't feel like going.
"You're cute when you pout, you know that?" I teased him.
"Shut up," he said, getting out of bed. "I'm not cute."
"Okay. You're not cute," I said. "Even if you are." He went to the window and opened the blinds a few inches, letting in the morning sun. It was definitely a perfect beach day. I just wasn't in the mood. He leaned against the window sill, eyeing me up and down, clearly annoyed with me. Determined to cheer him up, I went to him.
"Don’t be a brat,” I said, tugging at his bottom lip, making his pout go away. Placing a hand on the back of my neck, he kissed me. His kissing almost always ended with something more.
"You have to take a shower and get ready," I said in-between kisses.
Hopping up on the window sill, he wrapped his legs around my body.
"You're going to kill me, you know that?" I carried him to the bed and dropped him on it. "We'll do this later," I said, looking down at him.
"Take a shower with me," he said while I pulled up my shorts. "Hey, where are you going?"
"I have to pee, is that alright with you?" I teased him. Still, he got up and followed me. "Stay here. I'll be right back," I laughed as he trailed behind me. I ended up closing the door on him.
Emerging from the bathroom, Tim suddenly appeared, standing there in the hallway staring at me as my laughter subsided.
"Uh, sorry...just have to go to the bathroom," I said.
"Tell your roommate to hurry up," he said.
As if on cue, Jordan opened his bedroom door in a pair of boxers. He looked at me, then at Tim, and back to me again. After a brief pause, he ran into the bathroom and slammed the door. Damn, I really had to pee.
"I better hear the water turn on," Tim shouted to him behind the bathroom door. Because I had to pee desperately, I ran past Tim down the stairs, running into the downstairs' bathroom.
"If you're lucky enough, maybe you'll still have time to join him in the shower," Tim called from the kitchen, instantly getting my attention with his strange, unexpected, and dubious comment.
"What?" I said, entering the kitchen. Tim was at the counter, making a cup of coffee.
"What?" he mocked me. "Oh, come on, Jordan was just aching for you to go with him."
Stunned and in shock, I wasn't sure what to say or how to react. My first inclination was to apologize, but then I decided not to because I didn't feel like I had anything to apologize for.
"What are you talking about?" I said although I was pretty sure I knew exactly what he was talking about.
"I'm not stupid and I'm not blind," he said, sitting down at the table with his cup of coffee. I
sat down across from him and together we sat in awkward silence for a minute or two. He wasn't as pissed off as I thought he'd be although he was clearly irritated.
"I wasn't going to say anything," he said. "I was waiting for one of you to say something, but I can't wait anymore, not when you're rubbing it in my face."
"Rubbing what in your face?"
"Don't even..." he said, shaking his head. " Do you really think I'm that oblivious?"
"Uh...well...maybe you should talk to Jordan," I said, not quite prepared for this type of conversation. "I've done nothing wrong."
"I never said you did," he said.
"He's not a child," I added.
"I know," he said. “I've spent the majority of my life protecting him. I don't want him to get hurt. I don't want you to get hurt, either."
"Me? Why are you so worried about me?"
"I don't know if you're strong enough for him," he said.
"Fuck off," I said, folding my arms over my bare chest. I wasn't the violent type, but I had an urge to leap across the table and punch Jordan's big brother's face in.
"You know how different he is," Tim said. "You have no idea what's he's been through or what he's done. I would love for him to go off to college, live on campus, and do all those things normal nineteen year olds do, but he's not like normal nineteen year olds."
"What's normal, anyway?" I said.
"You know what I mean," he said.
"I really love him, you know," I said. He rolled his eyes at me, looking back down at his coffee. "I love everything about him. He really cares what you think. He thinks you'll be upset because he's growing up. He's under the impression you want him to stay a boy forever. He feels like you need him to stay that way." Tim paused before responding.
"He told you that?"
"Yes," I said.
"I don't want him to stay a boy forever," he said. "That's not what I want at all. I want him to be happy. That's all I ever wanted for him. I know he’s happy with you. I know he’s in love you. The way he looks at you...it's really annoying. You have such pretty blue eyes.”
“Shut up,” I said.
"I never pictured him gay," I said. "I never pictured him straight, either, or bi, or whatever. I guess I always thought of him as a little kid. I need to know one thing: Who came on to whom first?"
I smiled, thinking about it.
"It was sort of a joint effort. He's a little flirt, you know. You have no idea."
"I guess I don't," he said. "Maybe I don't know him as well as I thought I did."
"Do you want me to leave?" I asked. "I can stay at Liz's if our relationship bothers you."
"I'm not homophobic," he said. "We've been friends for how long? Give me some credit, huh? Jordan would never forgive me if I kicked you out. I'm not angry at you. I would have been two months ago. Maybe you've met your match in him. I don't want him to get hurt. Promise me you won't hurt him. He means the world to me."
"I know," I said. "I'd never hurt him.”
Jordan entered the kitchen, his hair dripping wet, curls everywhere, still in only his boxers, holding his phone and headphones, singing New Order's Bizarre Love Triangle as it played through his headphones. I wanted him all over again.
I really loved the way he sang.
Kiss Off
Jordan
The Violent Femmes happened to be one of Tim's favorite bands of all time. He called Kiss Off his anthem, whatever that meant. Only a mother like ours would let a five year old listen to them; that's about when Mom first introduced him to the song. Only a mother like ours wouldn't get mad when her boys used the f-word because the f-word was often heard in the songs she listened to and if she listened to them then so did her boys.
"You're listening to the Violent Femmes, aren't you?" Tim said while driving to the group home. I was still annoyed Jamie didn't come with me. Either I must have been singing or I had the music so loud he could hear it over my headphones. Maybe both. "Let me listen, too.”
I felt like telling Tim to "kiss off" right about now
"Come on, don't be a dick," he said. "Get over it. Jamie's not going anywhere."
I turned the volume up even louder so I definitely couldn't hear him. His lips moved, but I didn't know what he said. As I looked out the window, Tim shoved my shoulder to get my attention. I shoved him back, causing him to swerve a little.
"Fuck off," I said.
"Take off your headphones," he shouted as we walked toward the picnic table where Mom sat. When I didn't take them off, he yanked them off without my permission, pissing me off more than I already was. As I went to reclaim them, he swatted my hand away. We fought back and forth for a minute or two, shoving and pushing.
"Is there a problem, boys?" Mom's favorite staff member, Betty, said. I was never sure how they knew she was Mom's favorite. I guess she was just more cooperative with her.
"Sit down," Tim ordered me, but I wasn't in the mood to listen to him.
"Or maybe you should come back a different time when you can act like men?" Betty said. Glaring at my ass hole brother, I reluctantly sat down on the picnic bench across from Mom. Her eyes stayed on Tim for a minute or two as if she recognized him. He hadn't sat on this bench in a long time.
"Hi, Mom," Tim said. "Jordan's in a bad mood because his friend didn't bring him so he's stuck with me."
Folding my arms over my chest, I sulked, staring at Mom who stared back at me, occasionally blinking. Tim never knew what to say because Mom never talked back.
Tim let the music play for us all to hear. As the Violent Femmes played, Mom's eyes brightened a little. Water suddenly trickled down my cheeks unexpectedly.
"Jordan, what's wrong? Why are you crying?" Tim asked.
"I'm not," I said as more and more tears fell. "Don't be mad at him."
"Who? What? What are you talking about?" I couldn't look at him. Instead, I stared down at the picnic table.
"I...uh...Jamie...well...you're going to be so mad..." Tears just poured out of me as I sat there. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop, leaving me even more embarrassed.
"I'm not going to be mad. Calm down. We'll talk about it later.”
I couldn't take it...all these emotions running through me. Without saying anything to Tim or Mom, I got up and bolted around the house. Standing at his car, I pulled at the door handle violently while sobbing, anxious to get into the car.
"Hey, Jordan," Tim said out of breath, having just run after me. "Why are you so upset?" But I couldn't talk. I just wanted to go home. "I know about you and Jamie. It's cool. Calm down, huh?"
"What do you mean you know?" I said and stopped pulling at the door handle.
"Because I know."
"What are you talking about?" I said, wiping my nose with the back of my arm.
"I know about you and Jamie."
"He told you?" I asked in disbelief.
"No, nobody told me. I sort of figured it out on my own. You know, with all the marks you left on his neck and shoulders...and the flirting...and...well...my bedroom's not far from yours."
"I don't flirt," I said.
"Sure you don't," he said, obviously not believing me.
"I want to go home," I said. Tim unlocked the car and I quickly got in.
"I'm not mad," Tim said before starting the engine. "I'm not mad at either of you. I know you really like him." Whimpering, I could only nod. "You really love him?” I nodded again.
Throughout the ride home, I drifted off to sleep, waking up in the driveway. Sometimes I slept when I was stressed. As I opened my eyes, I discovered three unknown vehicles in the driveway, blocking Jamie's Jeep.
"Looks like Art has some guests over," Tim said. "Judging by the expensive-looking cars, I bet they're colleagues of his. You alright?" Tim asked me as I rubbed my eyes.
"I'm gay," I said with a yawn. In case he didn't know…
"Yes, I know," he said and shoved my arm playfully.
"You don't care?"
"Do you ca
re that I'm straight?"
"No, but..."
"Just shut up about it then," he said and got out of car.
As soon as we opened the front door, the deep, booming voices of men who liked themselves way too much echoed through the house even though they were all out back on the porch.
"Jordie, is that you?" Art called. "Why don't you come out here?" I looked at Tim seeking help or advice. Tim nudged me along, making our way to the porch. Around the table sat three different late middle-aged men, no doubt from the scientific world, all with various masters degrees and doctorates. Art said all of their names, but I wasn't listening.
The taller, thinner guy with glasses stood up. As he took a step forward, I took a step back. All he wanted to do was shake my hand, but that freaked me out. I didn't like to be touched. He said something about my aptitude and blah blah blah and he said if I was interested in an education at Harvard, then "let him know.”
If I had enough guts and if my voice cooperated I would have said, "actually I am interested in a Harvard education," but the words didn't come out. Back in high school, I was accepted into all kinds of colleges, but a last minute tantrum my senior year freaked everyone out so much, including myself, I chose not to go to any of them.
"Maybe he's more interested in MIT like his brother," another man said.
Much to my relief, Jamie appeared, standing in the doorway of the porch. As if to sense my tension and worsening anxiety, he slipped his hand in mine and squeezed it.
"Aren't you going to Kelly's?" Jamie said to Tim.
"Uh...yeah..." Tim said.
"No, Tim, grab a beer and sit down," Art said. "Give the boy one, too. Sure, why not, huh?" I hated beer, but I liked special brownies.
"The boy?" Jamie said. "You mean Jordan?”
Pulling away from Jamie, I ran out the front door, anxious to get out of there. I wandered off and into the woods where I felt safe. Without hesitation, I shed my clothes and walked right into the pond, waiting for a scolding from Jamie any minute.
A Not So Typical Love Page 19