"Are you okay?" Kelly asked as I stared up at the computer screen, searching for my flight number and corresponding gate.
"Um...uh...I'm okay," I said, clutching onto the straps of my backpack.
I can do this.
Kelly stayed with me until I checked in, noticeably reluctant to leave.
"Okay, so you'll have to go through those machines over there," she said, pointing to the security checkpoint, something I was sure I would have figured out on my own. "You'll have to take your shoes off and..."
"I know," I said. "You better go. I'm okay. Thanks for the ride."
"Yeah, no problem," she said and hugged me tightly like a worried mother even though she wasn't old enough to be my mother.
"I'm going to be okay," I assured her.
After Kelly left, my eyes scanned the airport, searching for a place to trade in some dollars for pounds. I read about it online. This was the first time I had ever done anything on my own. Before heading through security, I sat down to count my money and double check that I still had my passport. I was paranoid of losing it. And then I made sure I had my phone charger; that was really important. I knew I was at greater risk of having a freak out if my phone died. I also had a backup battery that I charged before leaving. My knees bounced up and down in anticipation of my flight, excited and nervous at the same time. I was happy I got a window seat.
As I stood up, getting ready to go through security, I heard that familiar nagging voice. In an instant I resented Kelly, the traitor.
"Wait! Jordan!" Tim shouted to me. "Don't you move," Tim said in his stern voice. "Jordan, I mean it." Tim was out of breath by the time he got to me.
"Kelly told you?" I said. "I told her not to."
"Yeah...yeah, she told me," he said. "She didn't want to, believe me, but I knew something was up. What do you think you're doing?"
"What's it look like?" I said. "I have to go. Don't you get it?"
"Jamie's making you feel guilty, is that it?" he said. "He can do that to people, you know. I'm sure he's fine. So it's the holidays and he's a little depressed. That doesn't mean..."
"Shut up, Tim," I said. "This is my decision. I have to do this. I want to do it."
"No, you don't have to do it," he said. "What if something happens...what if...what if something happens at the airport in London and you're all alone and...?"
"Nothing's going to happen to me,” I said. I had to believe that.
"You said that about Fenway, remember?"
I knew he'd bring that up.
"It's not going to happen," I said. "I know what I'm doing."
"You're not thinking straight. You're thinking with your heart and something else."
"Go fuck yourself," I said and headed to the security line.
"Wait," Tim shouted again. "How could you leave without saying good-bye? That was a real shitty thing to do, you know that?"
"I didn't want you to try and stop me," I said. "I have to do this." How many more times could I say it? "I need to see him. I want to. I want to be with him and I can't wait until May or June. I want to do something on my own for once. Just let me go."
"I'm not going to stop you," he said. "I can see the determination in your eyes. But you know I'll never stop worrying about you."
"Yeah..." was all I could say because I knew that already.
"I'll miss you at Christmas," he said.
"Yeah, me too."
"No, you won't," he said.
"Shut up," I said. "I will, too."
"No, you won't," he said. "You'll be too busy to think about me." He paused before going on. "Say hi to Jamie for me." Tim hugged me tightly, so tight I had to pry myself away from him. "Call me or text me when you land, okay? And again when you get to Jamie's."
"Yeah yeah," I said.
"Don't yeah yeah me," he said. "When are you coming back?"
"I don't know," I said, getting back in line. "January 2nd, but I don’t know. I might stay longer.”
"Longer? No, not longer. I’ll see you January 2nd.”
“We’ll see,” I said "I'll call you when I land. Merry Christmas."
"Yeah, Merry Christmas, you little shit."
Tim stayed there, watching me pass through security. I had to prove to him that everything was going to be okay.
I can do this.
***
The plane was jam-packed full of people. As people pushed through to get to their seat, I suddenly froze. There were too many people in such a close space. My head was buzzing and spinning.
“Hello?” a woman said behind me. “My seat is right there.” She tried to get past me, but I couldn’t move. “Excuse me.” She gently nudged me along.
Don’t touch me…
As tempted as I was to lash out against the woman who touched me, I didn’t. In fact, she snapped me back to reality and I was able to refocus, finding my seat somewhere in the middle by the window. There certainly wasn't much leg room between the seats. The person in front of my seat kept putting his seat back, making me even more claustrophobic than I already was.
It’s going to be okay, I told myself over and over. I let the Ramones play, hoping that would distract me. I remembered hearing Jamie sing Beat on the Brat in my kitchen those first few days. His hair was long then, down to his chin. He was unshaven and he wore a pair of old shorts and t-shirt. My heart and stomach did funny things when I saw him. That was possibly the moment I fell in love with him although I didn't know it at the time.
Plane food was disgusting, so I only ate the chocolate cake. Since it was a so-called red-eye flight, I was supposed to sleep, but that was nearly impossible to do. Still, I made it through the six-hour flight unscathed.
As long as I stuck to my mission, everything would be okay.
Although I felt like I was in line for hours, getting through customs, I made my way through with no drama or trauma. I just followed everyone else. There were no incidents like Fenway although I was overwhelmed, no doubt about that. Heathrow was an onslaught of colors and noise and commotions. It was overwhelming, to say the least.
No matter how much I mapped it all out ahead of time, it was much different in real time. The airport was completely mind blowing and overstimulating and just a hundred times bigger than I ever imagined. At one point, I ran through the airport, my mind in a tizzy. Out of breath, I sat in a corner, tapping my fingers while listening to The Clash. I was in London, after all.
Holy shit. I'm in London, I thought. I made it. I can do this...Jamie's not far away. I wished I could just teleport myself to his apartment.
Coffee...coffee would be good, I thought while sitting there. Coffee. There were so many stores and vendors, I wasn't sure which way to go. Too many choices. There were no Dunkin Donuts, not that I expected one. After wandering around the airport, I just picked a place and ordered a Cafe Americano after several minutes, searching for my voice and glad that it came. Things were better since the medication increase.
Hyped up on caffeine, I was able to locate a place to buy subway tickets. I used one of the kiosk machines so I wouldn't have to talk to anyone.
One thing I didn't plan on was rush hour traffic. There were so many people, more people than I'd ever encountered in my entire life, ten times worse than Fenway. It really sucked making my way to Piccadilly train station with my suitcase and backpack.
I can do this…
King's Cross Station...that was Jamie's stop. A lot of people got off at this stop, so I just followed everybody out. I was a little disoriented as I exited the tube, not exactly sure which way to turn. I hated the subway ride, crammed in the way I was, but I survived it. The chilly British air re-awakened my senses, making me refocus. There was no time to panic, no time to freak out. I wasn't going to let that happen, knowing I would be totally fucked if anything like that happened. And, besides, Jamie wasn't far away.
I'm almost there...I thought to myself. I stopped for another coffee...this time a cafe mocha before making the trek to Jamie's
apartment building. With caffeine overload and little sleep (since I was too excited to sleep on the plane), I walked briskly down the street, dodging people along the way, hoping no one would touch me.
I arrived at his building around eleven a.m. When planning this trip, I totally forgot Jamie worked during the day. Although I rang the buzzer, I wasn't surprised when no one answered. And I thought I had everything planned out so perfectly.
Not too far away was a Pret a Manger, a place to buy ready-made sandwiches, so I decided to get something to eat. With all the many choices, I held it together and was able to pick out a plain boring turkey sandwich. That killed some time, but not enough. On my way back to the apartment building, I stopped at another store and bought a bunch of chocolate. So, in addition to coffee, I added a Mars bar and Crunchie bar to the mix, so I was supercharged. I wasn't sure when Jamie would return. Three o'clock? Four o'clock? I wasn't sure how much longer I could wait.
Growing more and more impatient, I took out my phone, beginning to freak out inside. The caffeine and chocolate didn't really help. What if someone called the police because I was loitering around the building?
'I'm here,' I texted Jamie, sitting on the top step of the apartment building. My knees bounced up and down nervously as I waited for a response. After twenty minutes, my phone pinged, interrupting my music. In my mind, I was trying to choose my favorite Christmas song: The Vandals' Oi to the World or Fairtytale of New York. It was a tie.
'What do you mean you're here?' Jamie texted.
'I'm at your apartment building. I'm getting cold.'
'????' he texted.
To prove to him I was at his apartment building, I took a selfie and sent it to him.
'WTF????!!!??? Don't move. I'll be right there. Don't move!'
Did he have to be so dramatic? Where did he think I would go?
As I waited, to pass the time, I ran up and down the four steps over and over. I had had way too much coffee and chocolate and was possibly over tired. All the way down the street, in the midst of everyone else walking busily by, a man caught my eye. The man abruptly stopped walking. Even though his hair was covered with a winter hat, the hood of his navy blue hoodie up, a winter scarf around his neck, I knew it could only be one person. Suddenly he sprinted down the street. I would have run, too, but I found myself frozen, overcome with all these weird emotions. I didn't know what to do. Why couldn't I move? I continued to stand on the third step.
Once he reached the building, Jamie stared up at me with his stunning blue eyes. He didn't say anything, but breathed heavily, his chest heaving in and out. Grabbing me by my hoodie, I stumbled down three steps, right into his arms.
I made it. I couldn't believe I was in his arms. We clung to each other, afraid to let go. As we hugged, I lost it, completely breaking down in surprise tears. I knew well enough to know that these were not tears of sadness. I wasn't sad. I was the exact opposite of sad. I was happier than I'd ever been in my entire life.
"It's okay," he said, pushing me away slightly to kiss my mouth. I kissed him back hungrily, even a bit desperately, biting down on his bottom lip. "What are you doing here?"
"I got my passport," I said. "And I told you I'd visit you and I just wanted to see you. Are you mad that I came? Are you mad that I came and didn't tell you?"
"No...no, I'm not mad," he said, squeezing the back of my neck. "Do I look mad?"
"No," I said.
"I can't believe you're here. I can't believe you flew here," he said and kissed me again.
"You didn't replace me, did you?" I asked in-between kisses.
"Did I replace you?" he said. "You're irreplaceable. But no...no...we never broke up so there's no one else, if that's what you're getting at. There's no one else. Only you. I can't believe you're here," he said and kissed me again and again. People around started to stare.
"I think we're causing a scene," I said.
"Since when do you care?" he said. "You wanna come in?" Where else did he think I was going to go? He kept his eyes on me as he picked up my suitcase like I couldn't do it myself.
"Shit," he said. "This is heavy. What the hell do you have in here?" Carrying my backpack, I followed him into the building.
Located on the first floor, his flat was probably only a little bigger than my bedroom.
"How was the flight?" he asked. "You took the red eye, huh? Did you sleep?" He was so excited, almost giddy and it was all because I was there. "You must be really tired." Before he said anything else, I kissed him and I didn't want to stop. While kissing him, I removed Jamie's hat to find that his hair had grown a lot since the last time I saw him.
"I like your hair long," I said, running my fingers through his dirty blond scraggly, knotted hair.
"I like you unshaven," he said, rubbing his hand against my cheek. Kissing me again, he unzipped my hoodie.
"I should probably take a shower since I've been on a plane and the airport and subway and..." I said, but Jamie didn't seem to care, lifting my shirt over my head.
"I don't mind you dirty," he said, running his hands up and down my chest and stomach. "Are you hungry?" he asked. "I can get you something to eat. Or thirsty? Are you thirsty?"
"Just shut up," I said, undoing my jeans. He quickly tugged them down, along with my boxers, and pushed me on his bed. He stared at my naked body for a second.
"What?" I said. "You're making me feel weird."
"Weird good or weird bad?"
"I don't know," I said, propped up on my elbows. My jeans and shorts were caught at my ankles. Jamie stood at the foot of the bed and pulled off my black Chucks and socks. He just stood there, looking at me, watching me. "What?" I said, scooting toward him.
"Nothing," he said. "I just can't believe you're here." He slid his hand down my chest, over my stomach and finally between my legs. "I missed you so much." He pushed my legs open and lightly kissed me down there. Leaning back on the bed, I gazed up at the ceiling, enjoying his lips on me. "Jordan, look at me."
"Take off your clothes," I said, still focused on the ceiling.
"I will after you look at me." To make him happy, I looked at him. His fingers glided over my balls, his lips on my growing erection. He smiled as he kissed me there.
"Jamie..."
"Jordan," he said, backing away. His eyes stayed on me as he undressed. I wished he would hurry up.
My naked body shuddered against his as if it had never been touched before. Gripping my wrists, he brought my arms over my head, his face directly over mine. He kissed my lips lightly, too lightly, driving me crazy.
"I missed you," he said. "I missed you so much. You know I really love you."
"I love you, too."
He kissed my neck and chest, inching down my body, slowly letting go of my wrists. Looking up at me, he kissed all around my waist and lower. He snaked back up my body, eagerly kissing me again.
I wrestled him to his back, clutching his wrists like he did to mine. Letting go of his wrists, I kissed him all over, enjoying his fingers through my hair as he guided my head down. In heated passion, I pulled him to me, anxious to get inside him. It was so intense, more intense than I remembered. We both grasped clumps of each other's hair as I thrust back and forth, Jamie following my rhythm. "This was worth the trip," I said in his ear. He smiled against my cheek.
Thoroughly exhausted, I collapsed on top of him, resting my head against his chest. With his chin on top of my head, he ran his hands up and down my sweaty back.
"How long are you here for?" he asked.
"I don't know," I said sleepily.
"What do you mean you don't know? When are you going back to Boston?"
"January 2nd,” I said. “But I don't know if I can go back without you. I can't stand to be away from you."
"You want to stay here with me?"
"If that's okay," I said. "You don't have to worry about money or anything.”
“What about school?”
“I have enough credits to graduate,
” I said. “Anyway, I’m only twenty. Is it okay if I stay here? I won't stay if you don't want me to. Where's your Christmas tree, anyway? Can we go get one? Where can you even get one around here, anyway? I think..." I had had way too much caffeine. Jamie's eyes filled with water. "What? What I'd do now?"
"Nothing," he squeaked out. "You can stay here as long as you like. I would love to go get a Christmas tree with you."
Meanwhile, my phone kept ringing and pinging and ringing again.
"Oh shit. I never texted Tim," I said, reaching for my phone. Sighing, I kept my eyes on Jamie as I answered my phone.
"Why the fuck haven't you answered your phone?" Tim bellowed through his phone.
"Calm down," I said. "I'm fine. I've been...I've been...well, I've been busy." Jamie playfully bit my shoulder.
"I can't believe it," Tim said. "You've been in the country a few hours and you've already gotten laid?" Jamie laughed against my arm. "I can hear Jamie laughing."
"You're just jealous," I said. "So, I'm here and safe and all that. I'm fine."
"Well, I'm glad you made it," he said.
"Um...uh...I gotta go," I said as Jamie's hand roamed down my body. "I'll call you tomorrow, alright?"
"Yeah," he said. "Take care of each other, huh?"
"Yeah, we will," I said.
As soon as I let Tim go, I dropped my phone on the floor, intending to give Jamie my undivided attention.
"Do you prefer Oi to the World or Fairytale of New York?" I asked with Jamie's lips against my neck.
"I thought I already told you Fairytale of New York was my favorite."
"No, that's your favorite Pogues' song," I corrected him.
"It's my favorite Christmas song, too," he said.
"I think it's mine, too," I said. "I wasn't so sure, but now I think I'm sure."
"You're really something, you know that?"
Everybody has issues and challenges to overcome, some bigger than others. Everybody has their own story to tell. Some have happy endings, some not, and some right in the middle. I like to think my story will have a happy ending. At the same time, I'm not naive to think I've faced all the challenges life has to offer.
A Not So Typical Love Page 26