by Carrie Stone
‘I see.’
Marcus considered what Kate was saying. The last few months of his relationship with Linzie had been especially hard – her wayward friends playing a vital part in the numerous arguments and eventual disintegration. Yet the reasons had been very different to the situation Kate was in.
Despite only knowing Kate for the briefest of time, she’d given him the impression of a kind-hearted person – even her job suggested that. Plus he’d seen the way she’d fussed over Alf – not to mention himself, a practical stranger to her – before going to work the previous day. He vaguely remembered from past conversations with Alf that she had no family, having lost her parents at a young age. Something about this touched him deeply. It seemed she was wise in not wanting to cause unnecessary disharmony with Alf. Although he did wonder what Megan was like, for easy-going Alf to not like her…
‘I don’t want to put you in an awkward situation and of course if you’d prefer to be honest with Alf that’s fine…’ Kate began.
‘Look, I won’t say anything about this to Alf unless you choose to mention it. Okay?’
Kate felt her shoulders relax and her grip on the steering wheel loosened slightly. She smiled and tried not to exhale too heavily. ‘Thanks, Marcus. If Alf is home, then of course I’ll tell him where we have been.’ She hoped this wasn’t the case. ‘But if not, it’s probably best for the moment that he doesn’t know…’
Letting her voice trail off, she concentrated on the road ahead. The evening hadn’t started at all how she’d hoped and yet despite the circumstances she’d come to experience another side to Marcus that confirmed her initial gut feeling. He seemed to be of that rare variety of men – both aesthetically pleasing and a generous, considerate person to match.
She quietly wondered why his fiancée had let him slip away.
‘That was delicious.’ Alf commented, pushing his empty plate away from him. He’d been pleasantly surprised to arrive home – albeit a bit later than he’d planned – to find that Kate had prepared his favourite meal. She also seemed to be in high spirits.
Marcus nodded his agreement. ‘Really lovely, Kate. If you continue to cook like this, I might not ever want to leave.’
Earlier calamity forgotten and thankful that telling Alf had been averted, Kate grinned from one man to the other.
‘I guess we might have to buy a bigger house then, Alf,’ she joked, meeting Alf’s eyes and waiting for his reaction.
‘I thought you wanted to re-decorate this one?’ he replied, his tone more serious. He’d toyed with the idea since their discussion yesterday and he was beginning to think she was perhaps right. The rooms did seem rather tired…
Kate shifted in her seat, aware that Marcus was looking at them both with interest. ‘Well, yes we can decorate.’ She nodded her head slowly. ‘Or maybe we could just buy something else instead?’ she ventured, feeling braver now that there was another person to witness the discussion.
‘You want to move?’ Alf asked, surprised. He seemed to consider the idea for a split second then shrugged his shoulders dismissively. ‘I don’t see there’s any point yet; we’re happy enough here, aren’t we?’
Kate bit down on her bottom lip, stopping herself from instantly retorting something she’d later regret. She tried to not show her frustration. Instead she stood up and began to collect their empty dinner plates. ‘If you say so, Alf,’ she muttered quietly.
Marcus, sensing that the atmosphere had changed, avoided looking at either party and instead helpfully picked up the used cutlery and glasses, taking them over to the sink.
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ Alf snapped in annoyance. ‘So you’re not happy?’ He knew something was bothering her, but he couldn’t understand why she was being so awkward. And of all the times to do it, why create a tension in front of Marcus?
Surprised at Alf’s tone and not caring that Marcus was present, Kate let the silence linger for a moment before she responded crossly.
‘It doesn’t matter what I suggest, you always seem to cut me down.’ Clattering the plates against the worktop in frustration, she avoided turning around through fear of both men seeing her suddenly teary eyes. She knew she wasn’t being entirely fair on Alf, but she couldn’t help herself.
Alf stood up, glancing in Marcus’s direction and shook his head scornfully. He didn’t want to get into a fight when there were clearly deeper things to be discussed. It wasn’t like Kate to be like this. ‘I’m not going to argue with you, Kate, but I can’t seem to win lately either. If you want to decorate I’ve said that’s fine. Do what you want. But I’m not moving on a whim.’
Kate remained silent, staring out of the window into the narrow back garden as Alf opened the fridge for a can of beer and, handing one to Marcus, suggested they retreat into the living room.
‘That’s if Kate doesn’t need help here?’ Marcus offered, stealing a sideways glance at her and noticing how she managed a small shake of the head at him.
‘I’m okay, thanks. I’m going to tidy here and go up to bed and read.’
‘So you’re not going to join us?’ Alf asked, his tone suggesting that he felt she should.
Before she could answer, Marcus, clearly feeling awkward, cut in and tried to lighten the atmosphere. ‘Oh, go on, Kate, unless your book is more interesting than me. Besides, I’m intrigued about your art now that you’ve mentioned you used to paint.’
Knowing he’d unwittingly chosen a sore subject, Kate forced herself to smile at him and with a reluctant nod of the head she agreed. ‘Okay, let me tidy in here and I’ll join you both with a glass of wine.’
She didn’t notice Alf’s approving gaze – instead she felt relieved as they left her washing the dishes in the kitchen and the volume on the television in the adjoining room rose to an unbearable level. She needed something to distract her mind from the hundreds of burning questions that were once again floating around in her head.
It was time to face the facts. Alf clearly wasn’t yet ready for marriage; that much he’d proved the previous weekend. Neither was he interested in babies – for that subject had also been avoided for as long as she could remember. To add to that, he’d barely shown enthusiasm for her suggestion of re-decorating and he’d just more or less outright dismissed the idea of moving. So where did that leave their relationship?
Far from feeling as if they’d reached a comfortable plateau, Kate instead felt that they were both treading quicksand.
It wasn’t a welcome experience. She exhaled sadly and began to rinse the dishes – knowing that her own reluctance to speak up was partly to blame.
Chapter 7
‘Honestly, though, Kate, thank you so much for bringing him home. Given the state I found him in… well…’ Megan paused for a moment, reminded of the image of Jonnie face down on the carpet in a pile of his own vomit. ‘I’m just thankful that he chose to come to you. Heaven only knows where he’d have ended up if he hadn’t.’
Megan had been dismayed to see the number of missed calls from her friend the previous evening. It had been an unwelcome surprise after an already exhausting experience of getting stuck on the Underground for close to two hours. The lack of ventilation, frustrated fellow passengers and the fact that she’d been forced to stand for most of the journey now seemed like a blessing in disguise. Finding out that Jonnie had made a nuisance of himself by going to Kate’s wasn’t something she would have had the strength to deal with. Especially after being called into the last-minute management meeting at work and told of the restructuring plan that was to affect the entire staff force at Hamilton’s.
‘It’s just a shame he slipped up. He was doing so well,’ Kate said, feeling sympathetic at the weariness in Megan’s voice. ‘I still can’t understand why he came here, though? Did he mention anything to you today?’
Relieved that she wasn’t having the conversation face to face, Megan nodded into her house phone. ‘Yes, he did; he said he locked himself out of Sid’s and you were the cl
osest place he could think to go to.’ It wasn’t a lie, but it also wasn’t the entire truth.
‘Oh, okay, I thought it might have been more than that. I’m just pleased that Alf wasn’t home – he wouldn’t have been happy.’
Megan agreed. Having Alf involved in the situation would have made things exceedingly complicated. Besides, she wasn’t sure that, given her current state, she would have been able to hold back on the news she’d discovered at the meeting, directly affecting him. She tried to put the thought aside.
Just like Kate, she had been baffled as to why her brother had ventured to her friend’s house. Rather than pressing him for answers straight away, she’d waited until late morning, when a grey and pallid Jonnie had arisen from his slumber and – then sober – apologised profusely. She’d heard it all before, but with no desire to head down the well-trodden path of lecturing him, she’d instead asked why he’d gone to Kate’s. She’d been startled by his response. It seemed that in his incoherent stupor, after locking himself out of Sid’s and being ‘abandoned’ by Megan in her refusal to answer his calls, the only person he could think of who would understand his situation was Kate.
With lowered eyes and stilted words, he’d consciously tried to explain to Megan that he had an overwhelming sense of loneliness. He’d been struggling with feelings of rejection and emotional neglect. Given that he knew Kate had no real family to speak of, he’d hoped to find a kindred spirit in her. After all, she’d made references on numerous occasions in the past to the fact that she, too, had felt empty. He thought she’d understand and maybe have some answers.
It had pained Megan to hear of her brother’s troubled feelings, but she was grateful that he’d passed out before he’d had a chance to open up to Kate. She knew her friend well and although she’d have done everything within her power to help Jonnie, Kate would have also been torn apart at revisiting the emotions associated with her parents’ and aunt’s death. She’d spent so long trying to make peace with everything and the emotions would have undoubtedly opened old wounds. It wasn’t a subject Megan wanted Jonnie to raise again – and she’d warned him of this, explaining that Kate had her own issues she was struggling with, without the extra burden of his, too.
Sidetracked by her thoughts, Megan realised she hadn’t been paying attention to Kate’s chattering. She caught the end of a sentence about visiting Tea Cup Viv for a reading and made what she hoped was the right reassuring response.
‘Great. So you’re going to have one, too, then?’ her friend asked in surprise. Without waiting for Megan’s response, she carried on enthusiastically. ‘I’ll tell Viv. I don’t want to do it alone; I’d prefer to have you there. You know – just in case. And it’ll be so interesting to see what she gets for you, too.’
Trying to sound enthusiastic, Megan said she’d look forward to it – with no real intention of undertaking anything of the sort. It wasn’t that she didn’t believe in psychic abilities it just didn’t interest her. She had no desire to know anything about the future – she was much more content living day by day.
Kate knew this too, which was why she’d been a little taken aback at Megan’s keenness. She’d expected her friend to instantly dismiss the suggestion. She herself had been toying with the idea for most of the morning; gradually she’d come to the conclusion that she needed answers and although she didn’t really believe in it, perhaps it would offer some. She was at a loss as to what more she could do. Short of sitting down and having the frank conversation with Alf that was needed, she first wanted some guidance from somewhere – and if Viv could give that in some small way, then why not?
The previous evening, although it seemed to improve as the hours passed and the wine flowed, had left her once again wondering where their relationship was headed. Things, perhaps, wouldn’t have been so questionable if Marcus hadn’t raised the subject of travelling and holidays. She’d been more than surprised when Alf had piped up with the unlikelihood of them taking a long-distance trip in the foreseeable future. She vaguely recalled the words ‘workload’, ‘financial restraints’ and ‘priorities’ being bandied around by him, but the entire time she’d stayed silent, solemnly wondering why her input on the matter hadn’t been requested. Only when Marcus had looked at her for confirmation had she managed to mutely nod her head in agreement, not wanting to cause another quarrel in front of their guest.
Kate couldn’t understand what had happened to their plans to spend two weeks road- tripping around California. Alf had seemed so eager to discuss the trip at the start of the year and they’d even looked into excursions. It was now only spring – so when had his change of heart taken place?
So many uncertainties seemed to be dancing around inside her and she knew it wouldn’t be beneficial to open up to Alf unless she could make some sense of their meaning first. Besides, the idea of talking to him about things and not hearing the response she wanted to hear, terrified her. She’d lost so many people in her life already. What if there was a possibility that Alf didn’t want the same things as her for the future? The devastation that rippled through her at the very idea wasn’t an emotion that she even wanted to acknowledge. The fear of being alone once again, of someone she desperately loved leaving her, was too overwhelming a thought to consider.
So she needed to be prepared first within herself. Just in case….
She tried to pay attention as Megan’s voice boomed excitedly down the phone, telling her about an opening party of an exclusive cocktail venue in the City. As her eyes flitted towards the large staffroom clock, she was dismayed to find that her lunch hour was rapidly drawing to an end.
‘I’ll let you know if Shilpa can get me an extra free entry for opening night – it’s going to be a ticketed event. I think you’ll enjoy it.’
Kate groaned. ‘Oh, I don’t know, Megan, it doesn’t really sound like my scene…’ she tailed off, wondering why Megan was extending her the invite. Shilpa was usually her partner in crime for these sorts of things.
Megan cut her off before she could protest further. ‘Kate, you’ve been moaning that you want to dress up and go out more lately. This is your chance. You need to let your hair down – de-stress. Come on, it’ll be fun.’
It didn’t take long for Megan’s words to have an effect. Kate knew it was true – since her birthday party, she’d once again gotten lost in a swamp of insecurities and forgotten the glamour and zest for life that she’d briefly rediscovered. She thought of the new cream-chiffon dress, still marked with nail varnish and banished to the back of her wardrobe. Hadn’t Alf promised to replace it? In a split second she’d made up her mind.
‘Okay, you’re right. Count me in. I need a girlie night out.’
Megan whooped in delight and promised to speak to Shilpa.
Saying goodbye, Kate ended the call on her mobile, pleased with her decision and allowing herself to feel excited at the thought of a fun night out. Getting up to put her empty egg-and-cress sandwich carton in the canteen bin, another thought occurred to her…
Maybe, just maybe, she had found an answer to her worries after all. Perhaps that was the key to understanding her future with Alf. Maybe she just needed to make herself happy again – get back to appreciating who she was and enjoying life again. Otherwise, how could Alf even begin to try to fix things?
Alf stirred a generously heaped spoonful of sugar into his mug of coffee. Although the narrow staff kitchen was spacious enough to accommodate two long lunch benches and at least twenty people, he couldn’t help but overhear the conversation between Jeanette from credit control and Bea, the personal assistant to the director of the international division.
‘So the rumours were true, then?’ Jeanette was saying with dismay, replacing a carton of milk in the shared fridge.
‘I think the accounts department will be safe,’ Bea replied reassuringly. ‘It’s mostly the various broking teams and schemes that will be scaled down. Plus a management restructure.’
‘I hope you’re right
, Bea. At my age I’m not likely to be getting another job soon in this current climate.’
Alf glanced at Jeanette as she picked up her mug of tea from the countertop and she lowered her voice as she caught his gaze. Pretending he didn’t notice, he picked up his own mug of coffee and made his way back to his desk, a leaden feeling in his stomach. He’d suspected something was amiss, but had naively assumed it was most likely to do with the upcoming salary appraisals being fixed at inflation rate. Despite hoping for an increase, he’d already decided that if he convinced Kate in foregoing any big travel plans, they wouldn’t need to worry if the raise didn’t happen.
Sitting down at his desk, Alf felt shaken up. He’d worked solidly over the past two years to secure his current role as head of the PI Scheme for Engineering and so many sacrifices had been made as a result, financially and emotionally. His career investment was only just beginning to pay off – he was on his way to peaking. Yet overhearing the conversation had confirmed the hushed gossip that had been making waves all around the department for the last two days. He knew that quiet, straight-laced Bea wasn’t the type to involve herself in rumours. Besides, she had direct access to her director, Andy’s, inbox. If anyone was going to be aware of developments on a management level, it was Bea.
Setting his mug down next to piles of paper that were swamping his desk, Alf avoided getting caught up in his team’s current discussion on Indian food versus Chinese food. His mind was abuzz with new worries. Given that the scheme was a success with him at the helm, and considering the further plans in the pipeline to establish Hamilton’s as the leading broker in the engineering industry, he was doubtful that his position was unsafe. Yet there was no guarantee. It was crushing to think that his hard work could possibly amount to nothing. For the first time in a long time, he felt powerless.