by Sara V. Zook
“Why is that truck over there?” Liv asked, pointing.
I turned my attention to tan steel peeking out from grass so high, it was almost covering the hood of the old Toyota. “Wow. I’d forgotten all about that hunk of junk.”
Liv raised her eyebrows in question as we paused beside it.
I stomped down some of the grass to get a better look at it. “This is Darin’s first truck.”
“I can’t picture Darin driving something like this.”
I smirked. “Oh, but he did.” I grabbed more weeds and ripped them away from the door.
“There’s duct tape on the hood,” Liv remarked.
“I’m sure there’s duct tape all over the thing.” Laughing, I yanked on the driver’s door. When it didn’t budge right away, I pulled harder. Dust mixed with sawdust flew up. I pinched my nose and gestured toward the inside of the vehicle. “After you.”
Liv gave me a hard stare. “Are you crazy? I’m not going in there.”
“It’s been here for decades. I’m pretty sure the tires have become one with the ground by now. It’s perfectly safe, I assure you.”
Liv didn’t seem reassured by my added smile, but she made her way past me and climbed across the seat to sit on the passenger side. I jumped in beside her and ran my fingertips along the steering wheel.
“Reminiscing?” she asked.
The corner of my mouth raised up. “Oh, yeah. This truck made many hauls up in the hills to parties. It got dragged through the mud on purpose and banged up against trees and other cars. It was indestructible.”
“Until it landed here,” she remarked.
“Yeah. That would’ve been my fault. I didn’t even have a license yet and I took Darin’s keys. I rolled the thing down the side of a mountain. It was an accident of course.”
“Of course.” Livvy’s eyebrow arched.
“Had to have it lugged down off of the hill by a friend who owned a machine. Dad was pretty pissed, but not as pissed as Darin was.” My hand moved to the gearshift in the middle. It was so worn and smoothed down that the numbers were no longer visible.
“Why’d you take it?” Liv asked after a heavy sneeze.
I looked over at her and grinned. “I had to go see a girl of course.”
Livvy rolled her eyes. “Oh, I should’ve known. A girl. Why wouldn’t I have guessed that?”
I reached over and squeezed her knee teasingly.
She swatted my hand away. “This girl you had to see wasn’t in the truck when it rolled, was she?”
I shook my head. “No, thankfully, and neither was I. I forgot to put the emergency brake on, and it slid right down. I remember Dad threatening me that I wouldn’t be allowed to get my license until I was eighteen. Didn’t happen though. Mom talked him out of it.” I pulled down the visor and glanced at the insurance papers faded with time with Dad’s signature on it. “So it was hauled down here and parked…for good. I spent the rest of that year working and getting money to help buy Darin a new car.”
“How thoughtful of you.”
I shrugged. “It was the least I could do, you know.”
Livvy chuckled. “I can’t believe he drove something like this.”
“Well, that’s before the great job and great wife. He was a poor teenager once.” I winked at her.
Livvy sighed and looked at the high grass and weeds smashed against the side of the passenger window. “The years of a teenager, when you think life is so hard but it’s really so easy. Then you grow up and have things like this happen to you. I never in my wildest imagination would’ve guessed that my life would’ve turned out like this.”
A twang hit me in the middle of the stomach again and radiated up to the middle of my chest. “You’ve had a pretty incredible life, though, Liv. You’ve had way more than I ever had.”
She snorted. “A car accident, a coma, fighting to get my own husband back from another woman, then finally getting him back and he ends up dying from a heart attack. And now…” Her hand moved down to her belly and rested there. “Now, I have a child on the way, a child who will never know his father. How is that pretty incredible, Shane? How is that anything but cruel and twisted? No one would wish this upon themselves. No one.”
I swallowed and grabbed Liv’s hand and placed it on the gear shift with mine. “But the kind of relationship you and Darin had was amazing. You got to experience love. I’m not so sure many people get to experience that kind of love. You have to think about those kinds of things, Liv. That’s what I’m talking about when I mean incredible. And this baby is a piece of you and Darin. He’ll get to know all kinds of cool things about his dad. He’ll know who he is, Liv.”
Tears swelled in her eyes. “You’ve been all over the world living your life, Shane. I’m sure you could’ve found love a number of times with all the girlfriends you’ve had.”
“No. If I would’ve found what you and Darin had, I would’ve settled down. That’s the kind of thing that makes a man tame, you know.”
“Oh, is it?” Liv looked at me out of the corner of her eye and gave me a small smile. “I just wish I’d had more time with him, Shane.”
I nodded. “I know. We all wish we had had more time with him.”
Livvy pressed her lips together, her jaw clenching in tension as she did so. She took her hand from mine and rubbed at her nose. “It’s like I was so incredibly happy…before. And now…now no matter what, I can’t possibly be that happy again. I’ll never have a complete family. Even when the baby is born, even if I find someone else, it’ll never be his real father. Does that make sense?”
I took a moment to process what she was saying before answering, “It does make sense, Liv, but it makes even more sense because you just lost Darin. I think you can be truly happy again—with someone else. It doesn’t have to be the baby’s real father. When you do—and I know you will—fall in love with someone else, they’ll accept that baby as their own. The baby won’t even know what he’s missing, and I don’t think you will either. That’s not to say that you won’t miss Darin or anything, I just mean I think you can be in love with more than one person in your lifetime. Especially for a woman like you, Liv, you just have it all, and every man is going to jump at that opportunity to be with a great girl like you.”
Liv blushed. She wiped away her tears and turned to stare at me, her blue eyes piercing through me. “Thank you, Shane. I’m so blessed to have you in my life. I don’t know how to get through this, but somehow you give me hope that I will.”
“Damn straight you will.” I grinned.
She leaned over and gave me a peck on the cheek. “I’m ready to get out of this filthy truck.”
“Filthy?” I pretended to look around. “This thing is a goldmine.”
“Ha,” she huffed out. “Seems to me that people take better care of goldmines. They don’t let them go over cliffs.”
“It wasn’t exactly a cliff,” I rebutted.
“Open the door and get out, Shane.”
We continued our walk and didn’t say much. There was peacefulness between us as we moved down the grown up path, our hands locked together. It was as if we’d known each other since we were kids and were just happy to be together. We had known each other a long time and had always connected. Darin just brought us together that much more.
My thoughts drifted to texts I’d been having with Gwen about when I thought I’d return to California. I figured I’d stay a few more days. I still wanted to clean up around my parents’ house a bit. I’d probably start that chore this afternoon. I didn’t want to discuss my leaving with Livvy. I had invited her to come back with me, but I wasn’t so sure that was a good idea anymore. I didn’t know what to do, so I just kept my mouth shut for now.
We finally came out to the road. It was going on noon, the sun pouring down upon us.
“Want to go down further?” I asked Livvy. “There’s a waterfall just a little ways down…at least there used to be.”
“A waterfall?” L
iv arched one of her eyebrows in question. “How many girls did you take to that spot?”
I laughed. “Only the most special ones.”
Livvy smiled. It was nice to see her seem happy as if she could forget about all the horrible things that had happened to her, if only temporarily. Her hand moved quickly down to her stomach.
“What is it?” I asked. “You okay?”
She reached over and grabbed my hand, putting it on her belly. After a few moments, I felt a light tap against my hand.
“That’s him?” I asked, waiting to feel more.
Liv nodded. “He’s really active when I stop moving. He’s getting stronger and stronger every day.”
I felt more movement against my hand. “Wow. That’s…incredible.”
Livvy beamed. “It really is.”
“Thought of any names?” We continued to walk again down the road toward where the small waterfall used to be.
Livvy shrugged. “I don’t know. After all that’s happened, I was thinking about naming him Darin. The world needs another Darin Thorne. What do you think?”
I pressed my lips together and smiled. “I couldn’t agree more. Darin sounds like the perfect name for the little fellow. Bet he looks just like him.”
“Oh, I hope so.”
An older woman was jogging down the road toward us. She slowed down to a walk and put her hands on her knees for a break. “Beautiful day, isn’t it?”
I nodded. “Sure is.”
The woman fought to catch her breath as she studied the two of us for a moment. “You two make such a beautiful couple. How long have you been together?”
Livvy instantly let go of my hand and took a few steps away from me as she began walking in the opposite direction away from the waterfall and back to my parents’ house.
I felt the guilt rush over me then. I glanced back at Liv, then to the woman. “Excuse us. We have to get going.” I didn’t look to see the expression left on the woman’s face. I turned and hurried to catch up to Livvy who was walking like a mad woman back toward the path.
“Liv,” I called out to her.
She didn’t respond, just kept walking, her arms going back and forth furiously at her sides.
“Come on, Liv, don’t be like that!” I caught up to her and reached for her shoulder, spinning her around to face me. Her cheeks were covered in more tears. “Talk to me. Please.”
Liv covered her face with her hands. “I just don’t know, Shane. I just don’t know…” she mumbled.
I pulled her hands away from her face and brought her into my chest as I wrapped my arms around her. I let my chin rest against the top of her head and silently cursed this world for all that had happened to this beautiful woman. “Listen,” I whispered. “You know I will be in this baby’s life, don’t you? I mean, you will let me, right?”
She pulled away for a moment to look up at me. “What kind of question is that, Shane? You know I will. I want you in this baby’s life.”
“Good, good.” I pulled her into my chest again. “You and this baby, you’re not alone. You have to get that through your pretty little head, Liv. I don’t know how many times I have to say it, but I’ll say it again. You’re not alone.”
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Livvy
My guts were churning, and it wasn’t the pregnancy making me feel this way—it was this terrible, mind-shattering guilt that was beginning to eat away at my brain. I felt so strange about what was happening between me and Shane. I had these feelings for him, and I didn’t know what exactly to do with them. I was so confused and sad all at the same time. It was too much for one person to bear. All I knew for sure was that Shane was my strength. He was the only thing keeping me from crumbling to the ground below, and I didn’t want him to go back to California. I wanted to keep him to myself. He was my savior. I knew I was being selfish. After all, he did have Gwen, but I wanted Shane all to myself, if only for a little bit longer. Being here in his arms helped me push all of my anguish down deep enough that it no longer stung.
“Walk me back to the house,” I whispered after finally giving into the sobs and letting them come. Shane wasn’t disturbed by my emotions. He let me get it all out, then stood by my side as I faced reality again.
“Let’s go,” he answered, and we headed back up to the path we had come down. Instead of grabbing my hand, he wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me in close.
When we got back to the house, Evelyn was outside on the porch sipping some iced tea. She waved her hand in the air. “Oh, there you two are! I just made some sandwiches if you’re hungry.”
I walked slowly up the stairs to the front door. “Thanks. Maybe later. I’m tired. I think I’ll take a little nap.”
Evelyn didn’t respond, only nodded her head as I walked inside the house. I went up to the bedroom I was staying in and took off my shoes. I curled up on the bed and wrapped my arms around my growing stomach. I was so tired of thinking. I needed my mind to shut off. It was agonizing.
“You okay?” a soft voice said from the doorway of the bedroom a few minutes later as he pushed the door open wider.
Shane. Always coming to my rescue.
“I’ll be fine.”
He sat down on the bed and leaned over me. He began to run his fingers through my hair while massaging my scalp with his fingertips. I closed my eyes and relished in the feeling of his touch.
“Liv, I know you’re going through a lot of shit right now—shit you don’t deserve to be going through. Life isn’t fair. Hell, I’m pissed off for you. But you are going to be fine. I can say those words with assurance knowing that. You’re one of the strongest women I’ve ever met, and if anyone can do this, you can. You need to believe in yourself and dig deep into your strength, Liv. I’m amazed by you. You need to be amazed by yourself. Every life you touch is better for having known you. I know that much is true with me.”
Shane’s words melted my heart. Warm tears threatened to fall again. This time, they weren’t sad tears. They were tears of joy that came along with Shane’s way of uplifting me. I turned into his chest and pressed my face against his shirt. The smell of his clothing, of his skin anchored me.
“I’m not saying it’s wrong to grieve Darin. I know you’ll be missing him for a long time, if not forever, but you won’t be in the pits of despair. You’re Livvy Thorne. You don’t have room for despair in your life,” he continued.
This man was…incredible. Where did he come from? Why hadn’t someone snatched him up before and never let go? That strange feeling rushed over me, clouding my thoughts, and before I knew what I was doing, I had wrapped my arms around Shane’s neck and pressed my lips into his. He seemed shocked at first, but then soon responded with his fingers digging into the back of my neck as he leaned into me and kissed me back again and again. He was such an amazing kisser. Chills ran throughout my entire body. I was completely encompassed in this moment. I savored the feeling of Shane’s muscled body pressed against mine. He kissed me hard, then gentler, his hands going down my back. Then as quickly as it had started, Shane pulled away and created distance between us on the bed.
His eyebrows sank as he stared at me. He put his fingertips up to his lips and tried to catch his breath. “Liv,” he whispered. “What are we doing here?”
I’m making you mine, Shane.
My own thoughts surprised even me. I blinked a couple of times, realizing what I’d done. Gwen. Shane loved Gwen, and she was across the country while I laid in his arms and kissed him. Oh my god. I was turning into…Violet.
My mind reeled in panic as the realization of the situation at hand sank in. My heart plummeted inside me. This wasn’t me. This wasn’t the kind of thing I did. No…
“Shane…” My voice cracked.
But the truth was that no matter how shocked I was, I still felt terrified at the notion that Shane wouldn’t be wit
h me. How had I allowed myself to become so dependent on him? I was frozen in place on the bed. I had a choice, and I didn’t know what to do. My conscious mind was telling me this was so wrong, but the part of me that wanted to quit life and say fuck you to it told me Shane was the light at the end of this weary, dark tunnel.
Maybe he didn’t love Gwen. Maybe—just maybe he actually loved me. Then that would make it right. The look in his eyes right now, wild and in just as much disbelief that this was happening as me, told me there was a chance, a chance that he might be developing feelings for me as well. We’d always loved being around each other. This was just another step. It was hard getting over one thing—how could something wrong feel so right when I was in his arms? My eyes moved down his chest and to his arms, and my heart ached.
I wiped my sweaty palms on the sides of my jeans. The door was jarred open. I moved over and closed it so Evelyn or Henry wouldn’t be able to see the two of us like…this. Ugh! I wanted to pull out my hair.
I walked over to Shane and ran my hands down the sides of his arms. “I…I don’t know what’s happening, Shane.” I put my head down so he couldn’t see my eyes. “I just feel so at peace when I’m with you. I don’t know how to explain it.”
“You don’t have to,” Shane told me, his eyes softening as he lifted my chin so I was forced to look up at him. The corner of his mouth twisted upward into a smile. “I feel the same way about you, Liv. It just…scares me, you know? You’re my sister-in-law for god’s sake. I’m supposed to be taking care of you.”
“And you are,” I assured him, attempting to swallow down another lump in my throat. “You’re so wonderful, Shane. The way you take care of me is amazing. I’m so grateful. I just…” I paused for a moment, wondering if this would come out the way I wanted it to or if he’d go running for the hills. “I’m just tired. Is it wrong of me to ask you to lay down with me again, just until I go to sleep?”