by Sara V. Zook
“She’s right, you know,” Gwen stated now that it was only us two.
I ran my fingers through my hair and searched the fridge for another beer.
Gwen put her hand on my back. “You can’t keep thinking she’s your responsibility just because she was married to your brother.”
My hand closed around the neck of a beer bottle that had been hiding in the back. I stood up and opened it. “You told me before you feel this sense of responsibility,” Gwen continued, her fingers working their way up my shoulder as she made circular massage movements.
If she only knew how my sense of responsibility had turned into feelings for Livvy, how seeing another man even attempt to approach her made me want to end his very being. It was more than just responsibility now, it was also jealousy. I’d been jealous of my brother, and I was sure I’d be jealous of any other man trying to come into Liv’s life.
“Shane?” Gwen pulled my face toward her so I’d look at her. She put both of her hands around my face. “Shane, baby, it’s time to go home. Livvy has to go on now with life. She’s a grown woman. She’ll figure it out.”
A sense of dread washed over me. I knew Gwen was right, but I didn’t want it to be that way. I didn’t want to just leave her, not like this, in this condition. She had no one to watch over her, no one to help make sure she got some sleep at night. I tried to swallow down my state of confusion. Feelings for Livvy—yes, there was no denying they were there. But Gwen—Gwen I loved. My feelings for Gwen were stronger and made more sense than those I had for Livvy. I took a deep breath and put the beer to my lips once again. I needed a cigarette.
Gwen dragged her finger across the screen of her phone. “There’s a flight tomorrow morning. It’s an early one.”
I slowly nodded my head. “Okay.”
“Yeah?”
I put the beer down on the table and braced myself against it with both hands. “Yeah.”
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Livvy
“Can I come in?”
I wasn’t sure how long it had been since the incident with Sean. Possibly an hour, possibly a few hours. All I knew was that I couldn’t sleep. I was infuriated with Shane, and I wasn’t exactly sure why. I couldn’t possibly have a future with him, could I?
“Come in,” I mumbled, sitting up on the bed as I watched Shane enter the bedroom and shut the door behind him.
“Where’s Gwen?” I asked, surprised she wasn’t being carried in on Shane’s back.
He put his hands on his hips as he stood in front of me. “She’s back on the phone with a call from work.”
“She’s really busy,” I commented.
“Yeah.” He sighed and rubbed his hands together as if deciding on what to say next. “Listen, I just wanted to let you know that Gwen’s got a flight out of here tomorrow morning.”
I raised my eyebrows. This was good news. I didn’t really want to be spending any more quality time with her anyway. Then the realization hit me. “And you’re going along with her,” I said as more of a comment than a question.
His eyebrows twisted together as wrinkles popped up on his forehead. “Yeah.”
So this was it. Shane had finally made his choice. Perhaps he had always made his choice and had used me for his ragdoll for a period of time because he had no one else to play with. “So I guess you’ve taken all the time you’ve needed to take.”
“What’s that supposed to mean, Liv?”
“You know, deciding where you belong, in New York or in California.”
He rolled his eyes. “That’s not fair, Liv, and you know it.”
“No, you’re right. It’s not fair. I’ve had to sit through you and Gwen making out and acting like you’re so in love all the while wondering if you’re thinking about me, Shane, me. I haven’t been able to say one goddamn word to you since she’s been here, so don’t talk to me about what’s fair and what’s not!”
“Keep your voice down!” he hissed.
I crossed my arms in front of me. “Oh, right, sorry, we wouldn’t want Gwen to know the truth.”
He stared at me for a few seconds. “You know I don’t want her to know. You know it would destroy everything I’ve worked so hard to get with her.”
“Yeah, it would be all my fault. You never kissed me back. You never held me in your arms and talked about feelings with me. It was totally one-sided, I forgot.”
He growled in frustration, anger stirring in his eyes again. “I’m not a monster, Liv. I didn’t mean for this to happen to you.”
“Everything happens to me, Shane. Don’t you see it? Life hates me. I must’ve done something really terrible to have all these ugly games played on me. Someone behind the scenes is surely laughing.”
“You know I care for you.”
“Don’t.” I put up my hand to stop him. “I don’t want to hear any more about how you care for me. You don’t choose me. You choose Gwen. Right, Shane?”
He didn’t say anything.
“Right?” I repeated with more emphasis.
He slowly nodded his head then.
“You don’t have to worry about me giving away your dirty little secret. I would never dream of sabotaging your relationship. I think you know me well enough to know that.”
“I never accused you of trying to sabotage anything.”
“No, but I can read it on your face. You’re worried about what you say to me because it’s not so much about my feelings, Shane, it’s about if I’ll lose it and maybe say something to Gwen.”
“Livvy, please…”
I shook my head, my curls bouncing wildly. “No, no more Livvy this or that. You’ve made your decision. Be on your way, Shane. I won’t tell. Forget it ever happened. It was a mistake anyway, I think we both know that.” Tears threatened to fall, but I held them back. I didn’t need Shane trying to come over to me and wrap his arms around me for fear that I wouldn’t be strong enough to push him away. I had known this moment would be coming. I couldn’t kid myself anymore. I just wanted to be strong, to speak my mind and give Shane a sense of peace about casting me out of his life.
“I don’t consider it a mistake, Liv. I just shouldn’t have been so comforting.”
“Now you sound like an asshole.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Quit apologizing.”
Shane looked nervously behind him to the door as if Gwen would have her ear pressed against it listening to every word.
“You just ended up comforting the wrong girl. Next time make sure it’s only Gwen,” I snapped.
He didn’t say anything. I knew the words he wanted to say would come out all wrong anyway.
“Me and you—we were nothing, Shane.” I had to say the words aloud so that I could try to convince Shane that it was all right to go back to California with Gwen with no feelings of guilt. I didn’t want him to think back on me and label me as some sympathy case. “It was a mistake. You know what? It never happened. Just get it out of your mind, and I’ll get it out of mine, and we’ll both go on with our lives.”
“Okay.” I saw him swallow hard.
“Just go take Gwen back to California and live your life. Stop worrying about me.” I stood up and looked in his eyes. “I’m serious, Shane. Stop worrying.”
“Okay. I’m still sorry, though.”
“I can’t think about this anymore.” The tears were on the verge of spilling. I used every last ounce of my will to urge them to stay put in my eyes. One started to fall, so I turned my back on Shane and tried to steady my voice instead. “One thing you have to know.” I took a deep breath as my hand encircled my belly. “You will always be this baby’s uncle, but you will never have my heart again.”
I didn’t know how long I stood there, the tears streaming down my face without my hands reaching up to wipe them away. All I knew was that I hoped that when I finally turned around again, Shane woul
d be gone.
After a few minutes, I turned around very slowly. It had been long enough. He hadn’t come to console me. He hadn’t said anything more. He was just…gone.
EPILOGUE
Livvy
It was still dark out when I heard Shane’s voice at the doorway. “Liv, we’re leaving for the airport now.”
I pulled back the covers and got out of bed. I reached for my robe and tied it tight. I stepped out into the kitchen and over to the front door, reaching down to click a lamp on. Gwen already had her coat and hat on along with her luggage at her feet. I ran a hand through the side of my hair quickly and wrapped my arms around myself. This was it. They were leaving. He was leaving.
Suck it up, you’re stronger than this.
Gwen turned to me first. She wrapped her arms around me in the same way she had back at Evelyn and Henry’s. This time I put my arms around her as well. I still despised her—envied her really—but I’d entertain her if only for this one time.
“Take care of yourself, Livvy.” Gwen gave me a little smile. “Call me anytime you need to talk, okay?”
I merely nodded.
“And I’ll be in touch soon about plans for a baby shower,” she added, moving out of the way so Shane could get in between us.
He stared into my eyes for a second. I wasn’t going to be weak. No. Not now. Shane placed his hand on my shoulder. “Liv,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry for all you’ve gone through.”
I shook my head back and forth, willing him to stop. “Thank you for being there for me.” It was all I could give him. I hoped it was enough.
I watched his Adam’s apple bob. “I’ll be back a lot to watch my nephew grow up. And if there’s anything you ever need…” And that was all he could give me as he pulled me in for a hug. I breathed in the scent of him one last time, felt the muscles of his hard chest against my cheek as his strong heart beat rhythmically in my ear.
Shane turned then and swung open the door, a breeze of chilly air fluttering in. Neither one of them looked back as I watched them go down the porch steps and out to the car. I didn’t wait to see if they’d wave as I shut the door again and heard the click of the lock as I twisted it.
I pressed my back against the door and looked out into the empty space before me as the lamp cast a soft glow into the rooms. The ghosts in my memories were haunting. The guest room I was placed in when I was brought home from the hospital to find out Darin was engaged to another woman. Tolerating Violet as she pranced around fixing her hair in the mirror every chance she got. Darin confessing his undying love for me as he carried me across the doorway after our second wedding. The pregnancy test sitting on the counter in the bathroom revealing a positive result. Darin falling to the floor helpless as his heart gave up on him. Shane lying down beside me in the bed assuring me everything would be okay.
Would anything ever be okay again?
I felt my legs start to give out on me as my back slid down the smooth surface of the door. I sat there leaning against it as I stared out into the house that represented everything I’d endured. My heart was shattered in so many ways, I wasn’t sure the damage was repairable. The pain was so very bad—almost unbearable. But there was no one here to hover over me anymore. I was all alone with no one to see me. The sobs came on then—violent sobs. I could now grieve for Darin, the love of my life, and for Shane, the one I almost could’ve loved, and I’d grieve for the reality that both brothers were now gone and I was left all alone to try and live this life on my own.
Other books by Sara V. Zook:
The Strange in Skin Trilogy:
Strange in Skin
Evadere
Solace
Clipped
The Sempiternal Series:
Evanescent
Reminiscence
Six Guns Volume One
(Six Guns Volume Two Coming in 2015)
A Magic Within Series:
A Magic Within
A Chaos Within
The Pull