“At last, you are ready to face the priest,” Marie announced as she stepped back.
Ainslee looked at herself in the tall looking glass hanging in her bedchamber. The blue gown the women of Bellefleur had made for her was lovely. Although she had not regained all the weight she had lost at Kengarvey, she filled it out nicely enough. She did not think she had ever looked so good, and she smiled at Marie and Elaine in thanks. Despite all the doubts and fears plaguing her, she could not help but feel pleased that she would be dressed suitably for the wedding. Gabel was forfeiting a lot to marry her, every advantage a man usually sought in marriage, and she at least wanted to look as though she could serve as the lady of Bellefleur.
“You do not look as happy as I think you ought,” said Elaine, and then quickly eluded her mother’s light slap. “Well, she does not.”
“Marriage is a verra important step in any woman’s life,” Ainslee began, struggling to think of some way to explain the sadness Elaine had sensed in her, and ease the worry both of Gabel’s kinswomen could not hide. “I am but uncertain, Elaine. Within a verra short time, I will take a step that I can ne’er turn back from.”
Marie briefly hugged her. “I know the fear you speak of, child, but you are the most fortunate of women. So many of us must marry the men chosen for us by others. Some of us do not even have the chance to come to know our husbands ere we must marry them. I would think that you must know Gabel very well by now. You were given a choice, and can wed a man you know loves you.”
“Does he?” Ainslee asked, then cursed softly, angry with herself for her inability to hide her own doubts.
“Ah, I see what the problem is,” murmured Elaine. “My stupid cousin has not spoken of love, has he?”
“He has asked me to be his wife. ’Tis a great honor, and I am being most ungrateful to complain.”
“Nay, you are not. He could at least have muttered a few pretty words, and I wager he did not even do that. Men can be so stupid.”
“My sharp-tongued daughter has the right of it,” agreed Marie as she idly smoothed Ainslee’s hair, which had been left to hang free and was decorated with blue and white ribbons. “Put aside your worries, Ainslee. I will not try and convince you that Gabel loves you, for only he can do that, but I assure you that he is not without some deep feeling for you. I saw it when he returned from the river that day. He realized he had erred in giving you back to your father, and he was sadly tormented by that mistake. I saw it while he nursed you. The man spent hours at your bedside. Even when he left your side to work or rest, all could see that his mind and his heart were still with you, still praying for your recovery. Nay, he cares, child. Mayhaps he just needs you to pull the words from him.”
As Ainslee entered the great hall a few moments later and saw Gabel waiting there with the priest, she prayed that Marie knew what she was talking about. She desperately wanted Gabel’s love, but she could find some satisfaction if he at least cared deeply about her. Everything Marie had said indicated that he did have some strength of feeling for her. At times she had glimpsed it in him, but, since she so desperately wanted his love, she had not dared to trust in her own conclusions. Ainslee just wished she had more faith in what other people seemed to see so clearly.
“Have heart, lassie,” Ronald murmured as he stepped up to kiss her cheek.
“I am trying, Ronald.”
“Good lass. Ye are doing the right thing, though I am thinking it may take ye both a wee bit of time to see how right this is.”
She gave Ronald a weak smile as she walked to Gabel and let him take her by the hand. He was looking very much the lord of Bellefleur in his elegant black tunic trimmed with delicate silver embroidery. Ainslee suddenly felt very inadequate. Gabel deserved so much more than a penniless, landless girl with a name that drew only scorn and hatred from others. Some day he had to realize that, and what would happen to their marriage then?
When she met his gaze, she caught a brief glimpse of uncertainty in his dark eyes. It amused her a little that she should find that comforting. As they knelt before the priest, she prayed that she could learn to be happy with whatever Gabel had to offer her.
Gabel drank his wine and watched Ainslee closely. She laughed and talked freely with everyone, but he sensed a reticence in her. When she had joined him by the priest, he had seen a hint of fear and sadness in her eyes, and it made him uneasy. He was willing to try and live with the fact that she might never love him as deeply as he loved her, but if she began to think she had erred in marrying him, he dared not consider how much that would cut him.
“We will try and slip away soon,” he murmured as he took her hand in his and kissed her palm.
“ ’Twill require great skill to leave this crowded hall unseen,” she said, smiling faintly as she looked around.
“Then we shall just leave it swiftly.”
Ainslee laughed when Gabel suddenly stood up, picked her up in his arms, and bolted for the door. Only a few of the people in the hall recovered from their surprise fast enough to make a few ribald comments. She clung to his neck as he bounded up the stairs.
“They will be talking about this for days to come,” she said.
“Ah, well, one likes one’s wedding to be memorable.”
“That escape has assured that.”
She laughed again when he entered the bedchamber they would now share, kicked the door shut behind him, walked over to the bed, and dropped her onto the soft coverlet. Her humor swiftly vanished, replaced by passion when he started to shed his clothes. For a moment she just laid there and watched him undress, his clothes tossed haphazardly around the room. There was an expression of deep hunger tightening his features, and she was quickly infected by his urgency. She rose to her knees and began to take off her own clothes.
Just as she began to undo her chemise, he fell upon her. Ainslee made no protest as he roughly removed the last of her clothes. When their flesh finally met for the first time in far too long she echoed his groan of satisfaction. Their lovemaking quickly became fierce, as they hurriedly tried to satisfy their need to touch and kiss each part of each other. When he finally joined their bodies, she clung to him, easily matching the ferocity of his movements, her passion as hot and wild as his. Their cries of ecstasy blended as they found the release they sought as one.
Ainslee was still panting from the strength and speed of their lovemaking when Gabel rose from the bed. She blushed slightly as he cleaned them both off, then hurriedly curled up in his arms when he returned to their bed. It felt so good to be back in his arms. Even though she had been healed enough for lovemaking before the wedding, he had stayed out of her bed, stealing only the occasional passionate kiss. She snuggled closer to him and decided that, for a little while, she would not think about anything else.
Gabel smoothed his hand over her tousled hair and said quietly, “I had planned to make love to you slowly, with all my meager skills, so as to chase away your doubts with the passion we can share. I thought that, if I could remind you of how special and strong that passion is, you would cease to question how right our marriage is—for both of us.”
“Doubts?” Ainslee cautiously looked up at him. “Why would ye think I had any doubts?” She decided that, since she had chosen to wed a man she loved almost beyond reason but who did not love her, she needed to learn how to keep her innermost thoughts from showing themselves in her face.
“I saw them. Every so often, when I would look in your eyes, I would see, well, an uncertainty, almost a fear. It was there when you took my hand and we knelt before the priest.”
“Marriage is a grave and important step,” she murmured, inwardly grimacing over the inadequacy of her words. It had not been a good enough answer to silence young Elaine, so why should it work to silence Gabel’s questions?
“I know. I suffered from that hesitation as well. ’Tis one that every man and woman must feel when the moment comes to actually say the vows before the priest and before God. What I saw in y
our eyes was more than that. I cannot believe I am being fanciful.”
Ainslee sighed and flopped onto her back at his side. “Nay, ye are not. ’Twas there,” she admitted, deciding that she simply could not lie to him on their wedding night, the night which began the whole rest of their lives together.
Gabel turned on his side and looked down at her. “Why were they there?”
“Why? Gabel, I have just married a mon who can sit higher at the table than I, and have brought him no lands and no dowry, as weel as a name most people in Scotland consider only good enough to spit on. Ye did look so verra fine, highborn and wealthy, in your wedding finery, and I suddenly felt so verra unworthy, as I have brought ye nothing to repay you for this honor.”
He smiled and brushed a kiss over her mouth. “I need only you.”
Her heart skipped a little, for there was definite feeling behind those words. “Ye might have eased some of my fears and doubts if ye had said a few such pretty words when ye asked me to marry you.”
“They are more than just pretty words, Ainslee. I would not try to beguile you with empty flatteries,” he said as he slid his hand down to her stomach and lightly caressed her. “I am not very good at flattery anyway. ’Tis odd, but I feel as if you want something, and I am failing to give it to you. You must know that I will give you most anything you want.”
“Ask and I shall receive?”
He shrugged. “Aye, within reason.”
“Then I want ye to love me.”
“That is no challenge, for I do already.”
The tension that had knotted Ainslee’s stomach as she had made her demand left her so swiftly, she needed a minute to regain her breath. She felt as if someone had just punched her in the stomach, very hard, and wondered how mere words could hold such power. “What did ye just say?”
Gabel eyed her warily as she sat up. “I said that your request was easy to meet, for I do love you.”
Ainslee cursed and shoved him down on the bed. Still cursing softly about the idiocy of men, she straddled his body and stared at him. It surprised her a little that the words she had waited so long to hear, had so wanted to hear, should make her so angry. The confusion of emotion she labored under also tied her tongue. There was a great deal she wished to say, but she found herself unable to speak.
“When I finally got the courage to speak my heart, I did not expect you to look as if you want to throttle me,” Gabel said, his uneasiness growing when she just stared at him without speaking for several minutes.
“Actually, I was wondering if I really want to put the pillow o’er your head until ye cease to breathe. Howbeit, I might enjoy it now, but I think I would regret it later.”
“That is a comfort to know. Why have I made you angry?”
Placing her hands on either side of his head, she leaned down to look him straight in the eye. Slowly, her thoughts were becoming clearer, and she felt she could speak coherently, not simply babble about how stupid and inconsiderate men could be. Since she knew that Gabel was neither, she was glad she had been briefly shocked into silence. She certainly did not wish to reply to his unadorned declaration of love with insults.
“How long have ye kenned that ye loved me?” she asked.
Tentatively, unsure of just how angry she was, he lifted his hands and began to smooth them up and down her slim back. “Since I saw you cross the river that day.”
“And yet ye have ne’er considered the possibility that I might wish to ken this wee bit of information?”
“Ah, I should have told you sooner.” Gabel felt his spirits rise as he realized what had angered her. Ainslee would not be so furious about his lengthy silence unless he had been holding back words she had been hungry to hear.
“That would have been nice. It may have saved me many long weeks of wondering how big an idiot I am. It may have saved me the turmoil of trying to decide if I should risk all and wed a mon who might ne‘er love me as I wanted him to. It may have e’en saved me a great deal of lost sleep as I struggled to convince myself that the love I had for you would be enough to make our marriage a good and happy one.” She cursed softly with surprise when he suddenly pulled her tight into his arms and kissed her.
“And mayhaps,” he murmured against her lips, “I would have been saved from a few doubts and fears myself if you had been more forthcoming.”
She raised herself up enough to look him in the eye. “Ye had doubts and fears?”
“When a man finally accepts that he is in love, did you think he just calmly believes his feelings are returned, and that all is right with the world?”
“I ne’er gave that much thought, since I didna ken that ye felt such things for me.” She met his disgusted look with a brief grin, then grew serious as she gently traced the lines of his face with her fingertips. “I can see that we both suffered. Mayhaps we should learn to speak more openly with each other. Surely whatever we might say canna cause us as much pain as we have just suffered.”
“Agreed. And I give you leave to remind me of this bargain, if you think I am being too reticent.”
“Fair enough.” She wriggled against him, smiling when she felt him harden with interest. “I think I have loved you from the first moment I saw you.”
“Aye? You have a very strange way of showing affection then, for, if I recall correctly, you were trying to stick your sword in my chest.”
“Mayhaps I was but trying to catch your eye?” She giggled when he cursed softly. “I knew it when we became lovers. Oh, I tried to be practical, but I failed quite miserably. I was sick with jealousy when ye were courting Margaret Fraser.”
“I realize now how I must have hurt you. I can only ask your forgiveness. I often felt guilty about it all, yet I refused to see what was in my own heart, and talked away any doubt I had that I was doing what was right for me and for Bellefleur. I also wished to avoid emotion, for I feel one should always use only one’s wits, and emotion can sometimes make clear thought difficult. You stirred up such emotion within me, it was almost frightening. Nay, I confess, it did frighten me and I ran from it, claiming a need to let only cool reason rule my life.
“It was not until I thought you were forever beyond my reach that I realized I did not want to be a man of only reason, that it would leave me only half a man. Dangerous and maddening as it can be, I realized I wanted all of those feelings you can so easily rouse within me.”
“Ye made me no promises and spoke no pretty lies. I wasna forced into your bed; I came willingly. There is naught ye have to ask forgiveness for.”
“You are far kinder than I think I could have been had the situations been the other way round.”
“Nay, I am simply too happy to moan and complain about what is past and done. As I said, ye ne’er lied to me, Gabel, and that honesty can only be praised. At times I deceived myself, but ye canna be faulted for my own foolishness.” She touched a kiss to his mouth, and then began to lightly trace the shape of his face with soft quick kisses. “I do so love ye, Gabel de Amalville.”
“And I you, Ainslee.”
“E’en though I am as prickly as a thistle?”
“Aye, for I have found all the softness that lurks within.”
“I shall be a verra good wife to you,” she whispered.
“Just be as you are, Ainslee. I ask for no more. ’Tis that which I have come to love, even though, in my blindness, I fought that love as hard as I would fight any of my enemies. If you wish to stand at my side, sword in hand, then do so. If you wish to spend your days making Bellefleur so clean a man can eat off of the stable floor, then do so. You do what you wish. My happiness will come from seeing you happy. Sweet Mary, no one deserves happiness more than you, not after all the years you have suffered at Kengarvey.”
“Oh, they werena all so bad,” she said, her voice thick as she fought the emotion stirred by his words. “I had Ronald, and I begin to believe that my brothers werena as cold and as heartlessly blind to my troubles as I had thought them to be.�
� She studied him for a moment, before saying quietly, “When I was young and being punished by my father or simply feeling very much alone, do ye ken what I used to do?”
“Nay. What?” he asked as he held her in his arms and turned so that she was beneath him. “Plan how many ways you might find to repay your father for all of his cruelties?”
“Weel, aye. I did do that a time a two and, I confess, I could devise some verra blood curdling punishments in my mind. Howbeit, what I refer to is the wee dream I had from time to time. I would think of myself as a beautiful woman instead of the wee skinny bairn I was.”
“That part of your dream has certainly come true.”
She lightly kissed him to reward his flattery, and then continued, “And one day, as I feared I could endure no more, out of the mists rode a mon.” When Gabel started to grin, she scowled at him. “Ye had best not laugh.”
“Nay, I would ne’er be so rude.”
Since his voice was shaking with laughter, Ainslee ignored him. “That mon was tall and dark and ever so handsome, and he took me up on his horse. We rode away from Kengarvey to places I had ne‘er seen, and places where there were no battles and no brutal men, and as much food as any person could e’er want. And he loved me. ’Twas odd that such a silly dream should bring me any comfort, but it did.”
“Nay, ’tis not odd.” He gently kissed her. “I fear I cannot promise that there will be no battles, no deaths, or even that you shall always have all the food you could want. Such things are not always in my hands, but in God’s.”
“Weel, it doesna matter. All ye have to do is promise that ye will do your best to love me,” she said softly. “Aye, love me as hard and for as long as I will love you.”
“That, my bonnie wee lassie, is one of the easiest promises I have ever been asked to make, and I make it now, with all my heart.”
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My Valiant Knight Page 30