by Amanda Munoz
I typically drove everywhere with the exception of the coffee shop on weekends, but as we walked I could see the town from a different perspective. There was so much diversity here, such a strong pride the people of this town had for their community. I guess I never really looked but as we walked Javier made sure to point out some of the most beautiful sights I had never bothered to notice. We walked down the heart of the city and passed dozens of shops. This was one of the very few places that seemed untouched by modernization. The buildings all old, and quaint, and brightly painted, the large, bay windows and the hand painted signs, the sounds of laughter and chatter, the smell of freshly baked breads and sweets. It was only a few blocks worth until the city dynamics changed but it was like an oasis, untouched and perfect. We come across a small store filled with mostly handmade jewelry and a gorgeous, silver, charm bracelet in the window catches my eye. It’s filled with beautiful, intricate, charms an indication of a fulfilled life. I stand in front of the window and admire it. Sadly, thinking to myself if I had one it would be mostly empty. Javier notices and asks if I want to go inside. I shake my head no and tell him I was just admiring it and we continue on our way. For some reason the thought that my bracelet would be empty or just full of cute and meaningless charms really bugs me. I try to forget about it and shake it off. I want to try enjoy our walk. We stroll up and down a couple blocks, continuing our conversation and pointing out places in town we have been to and restaurants where we have eaten. He tells me which one is his favorite restaurant and shows me a small book store that he loves to go to. I tell him about the shop that makes handmade soaps and how much I love their bath salts; he kind of laughs at me and I realize that baths are probably just not that interesting to men but I spoke about it as though it were the most exciting thing in my life. Come to think of it, it probably is and that makes me a little sad too. I try to ignore my feelings as we continue down another block. Javier points out the St Joseph’s cathedral that I had passed a thousand times, I had never seen it as anything more than a large, lovely church but as he walked me across the street to the front of the place of worship I marveled at its beauty. The intricate carvings in the stone archway, the radiant colors of the stained glass windows, the elaborate workings of the wrought iron accents. This building is incredible.
“It was completed in the early 1920’s. So many hours put in by dozens of hard working men. This building is so solid. It will be here a thousand years.” His eyes beamed, his smile so genuine. I watched him as he talked, he looks at the church with such fascination. And, I watch him just as fascinated. He had so much passion, there was so much joy in the way he spoke. To him this was so much more than a building. He saw it in a way I’m sure so few people do. He appreciated it, he reveled in it. And, his joy was infectious. I smiled with him. Really smiled, and as I looked up at the building I felt Javier shift his attention to me, from the corner of my eye I see he is watching me. He smiles and I think it’s because I’m smiling.
“Have you lived here your whole life?” The moment I asked I realized it was probably a lame question just based on the accent he had. But he didn’t answer as though it was. He shook his head and began leading me around the corner down the street. I didn’t even bother to ask where he was taking me, I’m pretty sure I would have followed him anywhere.
“I grew up in Ecuador. A beautiful, beautiful country. The culture and geography is so diverse!” He gestures to its grandeur with his hands and speaks so animatedly. “Jungles, mountains, Galapagos islands. The capital Quito still has palaces and churches built in the 16th and 17th centuries. It’s an incredible country. I moved when I was 19 so it’s been... 11 years now.” He’s proud and excited to share and I wonder if it were so great why he would ever leave.
“It sounds wonderful. I wish I could go some day.” I say it because I mean it. I would love to go. The realistic possibility isn’t so great but still a girl could dream.
“Then you should go.” He stated it so simply. As if it were really that easy. As if I said I need to go to the bathroom and he says well go. I let out a small chuckle at the absurdity. And he looks down at me strangely.
“The world is a beautiful, amazing place. The way you looked at that church, can you imagine how you would look at the world? If you want to go then go. Take a vacation. Go somewhere. Live your life. You only get one.” I don’t say anything but I’m sure I rolled my eyes. I thought to myself how it would be so much easier said than done. I can’t even fathom the idea of waking up one day and just deciding to get up and go. There’s so much planning that would be required. I have a job, I have rent and bills to pay I can’t just take off. Even though the idea was ludicrous it nestled itself into the back of mind anyway. We continued to walk through down town and come up on Molby Creek Park. It’s a beautiful place, surrounded by tall, large trees, with a light steady stream of water following over pebbles of every color imaginable. I have been here many times and I feel a small twinge of disappointment that this is his favorite place. I don’t say anything and continue to walk with him taking in the beauty of the creek.
We don’t talk much but there is a comfortable silence between us. We are both enjoying the view and I must add I am enjoying the company. He’s a sweet man and I like him. He starts to walk down the embankment and I hesitate because there really isn’t anywhere to go once you’re down there except to the water.
“I don’t think it’s deep enough to swim,” I joke as he continues to try and pull me down the edge. The creek is maybe 10 feet in width and a foot or so in depth. The other side is covered with rocks and mud then a blanket of dense forestry about 20 feet out.
Javier squeezes my hand encouragingly and I realize I haven’t let go of him since we left the coffee shop. I instinctively release my hand and he squints at me and grabs it back.
“You have sensible shoes on.” He looks down at my feet and I baulk. That’s me- sensible. How boring is that? I’m one step away from loafers or oxfords. I suddenly feel embarrassed and avoid looking in his eyes. He squeezes my hand again to get my attention and I look up meeting his eyes. There is no judgment there, he’s not just looking at me, it’s as though he’s searching my eyes for something. For what exactly, I’m not sure. I look away from him to the running water again and then to the other side of the creek at the trees and I’m not sure what he wants me to do.
“You want me to go in the water?” I ask.
“There are a few rocks I placed down there and we could just walk across them. Your feet will get a little wet but not much I promise.” He points down to four or five large rocks placed strategically in the water that form a bridge type platform to walk across. I reluctantly agree and grab on to him with both hands as I walk down the steep ridge. He walks backwards over the rocks only occasionally looking behind him and down at his feet to make sure of his steps and I continue to hold onto him as I walk across the rocks. My incessant, nagging, logical side of me keeps imaging myself slip and fall and hit my head and I wish for once I can live with no inhibitions. This constant fear of the world angers me, it’s the reason I miss out on so much in life. Always afraid of the consequences. I take a deep breath, raise my head and refuse to allow my fears to dictate my decisions in this moment. I’m going to do this simple task. I will walk across the rocks to the other side and I will trust this man to look after me. And I’m going to hope it’s all worth it.
When I make it across I’m elated I feel like I just climbed Everest. “Woo!” I scream and I laugh. I laugh hard. I’m so excited about something so simple. Javier laughs with me and his eyes twinkle.
“Oh my God, I was totally freaking out!” I yell at him and then realize I have no reason to be yelling. This in no means was a big deal but to me it was an achievement none the less. I made it to the other side and I love that Javier is celebrating it with me instead of dismissing my small accomplishment. I like him even more for that.
“High five!” he yells and I jump up and slap his hand. I keep l
aughing. I laugh for a while and he laughs with me. We walk across the other side and began to walk a small incline through the trees. It’s getting a little chilly, there is a cool breeze and little wisps of my hair fly into my face bugging me. I don’t complain, I just keep walking with him. Starring up at the large, beautiful oak trees. They are so high I can’t see the tops of them. Streams of sunlight glimmer through the leaves and the beautiful songs of the birds and the hum of the creek surround us. We walk for another ten minutes at an incline the entire time. Suddenly Javier stops. He turns to me and reaches a hand towards my face. I unconsciously flinch and then relax as he brushes the backs of his knuckles against my cheek softly and then tucks a stray strand of hair behind my ear. “Close your eyes.” He says it so low I almost don’t hear him. I stare at him a beat and see the warmth in his mocha eyes and with complete trust, I close my eyes.
I take several more steps with my hands in his and then he lets go of my hands and I feel him stand beside me.
“Open.” He whispers. I open my eyes slowly almost afraid of what’s before me but when I look, it takes my breath away.
It’s a clearing within the forest, a beautiful, open, meadow overflowing with wild flowers and birds and butterfly’s soaring about. The sun radiates in the clearing and I bask in the warmth. Its picturesque, taken right out of a movie. I swear my heart skips a beat.
“It’s incredible!” And I smile, really smile. I’ve smiled more today than I have in so long and it feels amazing. I turn and throw my hands around his neck squeezing him. It’s such an automatic response that I didn’t even think about it before I did it. I quickly lose my grip but his strong arms encircle my waste and squeeze me back and it feels so good. I stay in his arms longer than I probably should have but it feels right and he doesn’t let me go. I lay my head against his chest and look out at the meadow enjoying its beauty. I realize that I’m too comfortable in his arms and I physically ache when I finally let go of him.
“Come on.” he says and I follow him into the middle of the clearing and sit with him.
We sit there for what feels like forever and talk. Its easy conversation and it flows effortlessly. We talk about nothing and everything and I feel such an ease and sense of calm with him; I wish we could stay like this forever.
“I’m sorry about your father, but be grateful that he is no longer suffering. I know it hurts but it’s good that he went quickly. So many people fight for so long only to lose the battle anyway. He’s at peace now, you have to let him go.” I know that, really I do. I never talk about my father but once I started I just couldn’t stop. I told Javier how close we had been. How we spent every available moment together. My dad quit working at the hospital and opened his own practice just so that he can spend time with me. We had weekends and holidays and every moment together was blissfully happy. I was his world and he was mine, I smile as I think about him. My father got cancer and found out just by chance at a doctor’s appointment when they decided to do some extra tests “just to be on the safe side”. Unfortunately, by the time he found out it was already far too late. He wasn’t a candidate for chemotherapy with the type of cancer he had but he did have some infusion therapy and radiation treatment; however, in the end, the treatments took longer to work then what time he had left. He faded away so quickly, and when he died he took a large part of me with him. Javier listens intently and looks pained when as I tell him. He’s so compassionate that it’s like he can feel my pain. My eyes sting and only then do I realize I let several tears fall from eyes. This time when Javier reached out to me I didn’t turn away. I let him wipe my tears away and I loved that he did it.
“And your mom?” he says it so casually. Just genuinely curious since I hadn’t mentioned her once. I roll my eyes at him as if he should know better than to ask about her. But he doesn’t know, and so I share with him.
“My mom. Well, I have no idea where she is. I really don’t care. She never was much of a mom. I think my mom never really loved my dad. She was some country bumpkin that married a doctor. I really believe that she thought he was her out. That she would marry a rich, successful doctor and move into a huge, lavish house and live in luxury. Only thing is, that’s not my father. He became a doctor because helping those in need was his calling. He truly loved his job. He did a lot volunteer work at free clinics and even did house calls to some elderly patients that had absolutely no way of paying him. He really only wanted to make enough money to live comfortably, not to live an extravagant lifestyle. He did make really good money at the hospital but I remember him working such crazy hours I never saw him. My mom made sure I was fed and that’s about it. My dad decided to open his own practice to spend time with me because I think he realized when he worked I had no one because my mom was hardly a mom.” I look up to meet Javier’s eyes and he’s listening intently so I continue. “Anyway, my mom was furious because my dad had so many expenses with running his own clinic and so I guess he made a lot less money that way. My mom filed for divorce. When I was about 9 she left and I’ve only seen her about a handful of times since then.” I can’t help but notice Javier’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. His face is in an open book, he looks shocked and disgusted. I laugh at his expression.
“Sorry.” He says and smiles bashfully. This is the first time that I have seen him look anything but confident and I think its endearing. “I don’t understand. Don’t women have that maternal instinct?” He says it so seriously that I smile at his naivety.
“Yeah well, not my mom!” I laugh and he doesn’t at first being cautions that he hast offended me. But when he realizes that I’m not in the least bit offended he laughs with me. “What about your mom?”
His face goes serious and see a glint of sadness in the depths of his eyes. I instantly want to take back my words fearing she passed and he doesn’t want to talk about it, but then he smiles. “I miss my mom. She’s in Ecuador. I see her a couple times a year but that’s not nearly as often as I would like. I tried to get her to come live here but she refuses. She’s stubborn and feisty and will do only what she pleases.” He laughs at the thought and I laugh with him creating a picture of her in mind.
“When is the last time you saw her?” I ask curiously.
“About 5 months ago. In fact I need to start looking at plane tickets and plan another trip out there. I need to see her again before it’s too late.” I look at him questioningly, “She is getting up there in age. I won’t always be there for her like I want to. Luckily she has lots of family looking after her. My brother Ivan takes really great care of her. He and I are the closest.” Javier goes on to tell me that his father passed away when he was 17 years old. He was shot in an attempted robbery at the store his parents owned. Javier was supposed to work that day but didn’t feel well so his father told him he could stay home and went in his place. He had a really hard time dealing with the grief and decided he needed to get away. He applied for a student visa and eventually got his permeant residence here in the states. He never went back. I could tell by the look in his eyes and the emotion in his voice that he still held a lot of guilt and sorrow over his father’s death and it hurt me to see the pain in his eyes. He changed the mood and began talking enthusiastically about his four brothers and two sisters which leaves him smack dab in the middle of six siblings. Which in his words was “wild!” We laughed and talked some more until the clouds started to roll in and cover the sun and we decided we better head back.
I didn’t want the day to end and I honestly contemplated asking him to come back to my place but I just couldn’t muster the courage. That was so bold and forward and I just didn’t have it in me. On the walk back I caught a glimpse of the time at a building in the town center and saw that it read 4:16pm. We left the café a little after 8 in the morning and as I mentally calculated that was 9 hours ago I realized how starving I was. It was still early in the day and I took that as my opportunity to extend my time with Javier because I just wasn’t ready to let him go.
&n
bsp; “Hey, are you hungry?” I didn’t meet his eyes as I asked. I was impressed that I worked up enough courage to even ask him. Looking him in the eyes as I asked would be a whole other level. I focused instead at the floor and it really bothered me just how much confidence I lacked. He didn’t answer right away and the long delay made me nervous. I slowly glanced up peering at him through my lashes to see him looking back down at me. He gently lifted my chin with his finger and stared at my lips a moment before looking into my eyes.
“The floor isn’t going to answer you.” I’m a little hurt that he felt the need to point out my insecurity but I can’t be mad at him because I’m mad enough at myself for it. We just stand there looking at each other and I realize he isn’t going to answer me. He’s waiting for me to look at him and ask again. I contemplate just turning away and saying good night instead. I’m nervous, my heart is beating fast and I feel a little sick to my stomach. The way his eyes bore in to mine makes me uneasy. It’s like he sees something in them and the intensity in his face as he looks at me is little overpowering. The standoff becomes uncomfortable and I look away. I hear Javier let out a long sigh it’s laced with disappointment. He takes a step towards me and kisses my forehead. I look up towards him but he turns away from me. He starts to walk away but looks back at me one more time.
I don’t say anything I just watch him retreat and then his face falls as he says, “Good bye Aby. I had a really great day.” I don’t say anything back. I watch him continue down the street and turn the corner until I lose sight of him.