by Alex Barclay
Whatever Erubiel Diaz did was out of Ren’s control. But she felt responsible for Luis. She knew now that in releasing James Laker, she had released Javier Luis to rape and kill.
What she had done then seemed so different to what she would do now. It had gone against all her training. It felt like it was a decision made by a completely different person. Looking back, she felt she had been detached from reality. That ability made more sense when she was diagnosed. Being bipolar, she had a natural tendency to detach. She used it to make her a better agent. But at times like this, another part of her hated it and was afraid of it.
What have I done?
The repercussions of what she had done for James Laker were far-reaching. Just like Beau’s suicide. Just like Louis Parry’s disappearance.
Guilt. Lying. Guilt. Lying.
Suddenly, all thoughts of the compound were swept away.
Oh my God.
Ren called her mom, ‘Mom, it’s me. Sorry it’s late, early, whatever. Remember when Rita Parry called you over to talk?’
‘Yes,’ said her mom. Her mom never commented on the strange hours Ren called her.
‘How did that make you feel?’ It was the first time in Ren’s life that she had asked her mother a question about her emotions. Not because she didn’t want to hear the answer, but because her mother never discussed emotions – not her own or any of her children’s. Another HazMat suit wearer.
‘Oh…I don’t know…I suppose I felt bad. Her wanting to die like that. And not having answers to what happened to her son. I felt bad for at least knowing what happened to Beau.’
‘You asked Ricky Parry to do some jobs in the house after that, didn’t you?’
‘Well, yes. The Parry’s house was awful, Ren. It was so oppressive. There was no life in it. It was just…there. With a sick, depressed woman ready to give up, no matter what he could say or do. It can’t have been easy for him.’
‘No. I imagine it was the hardest thing he had ever gone through. And he had no idea what to do with the pain.’
Her mother hesitated. ‘Yes…Ren, what is this about?’
‘It’s about me taking a day off work,’ said Ren.
‘Right,’ said her mom. ‘You do that, Ren. I’m sure you’re exhausted with everything. That job of yours—’
‘Yup,’ said Ren. ‘That job of mine. Love to you both, Mom.’
‘And to you, too, sweetheart. Go back to bed.’
Ren put the phone down and pulled her wallet from her purse. She took out her credit card and made a phone call. She wrote down the details on a piece of paper. Outgoing flight time: 8 a.m. Return flight: 8 p.m.
The Parry house smelled of sickness and all the chemicals used to treat it. Ricky Parry was skinnier than Ren remembered. It didn’t suit him. It made his face appear long and his eyes seem to retreat into their sockets. Maybe they were. Maybe they’d grown tired of looking out at the world.
He tried to smile at her. He gestured her into the room. But instead of walking past him, Ren put her arms around him and drew him into a hug. He froze. She could feel him tremble. She held him a little tighter, then gently released him.
‘Can we sit down somewhere?’
Ricky nodded.
‘Is your mom here?’
‘She’s sleeping.’ He pointed to a room behind them. ‘We converted the games room.’
They went into the living room and sat side-by-side on the sofa. Ricky’s head hung. His hair smelled unwashed. His clothes smelled of having been worn too often and left damp for too long. He was oblivious to his right leg bouncing. His fingertips were red raw, the nails bitten halfway down.
The dresser was covered in photos. There were a lot of early ones, before Louis went missing; family vacations, school photos, everything that any other family would have. But at the end were a series of images that made the hairs on the back of Ren’s neck stand up. Oh my God.
Ricky followed her gaze. The pain in his eyes was heartbreaking.
‘I know,’ he said.
They were computer-aged photos of Louis, right up until the present. A graphic rendering of what Louis Parry would have looked like at fifteen, twenty-five, all the way up to the present day – a face from a childhood photo, mixed with the filled-out faces and hairlines of older male relations, mixed with the soft jawline he shared with his mother. A cobbled-together photo that had no place in a frame.
‘You know why I’m here,’ said Ren.
For a while, they stayed in silence. He looked up at her. ‘Nancy Drew.’ He smiled sadly.
‘Oh, Ricky,’ said Ren. ‘How could you do this to us?’
46
Ricky Parry stared at the floor. Ren could see tears dropping on to the carpet. So many tears. ‘I sat on the plane,’ said Ren. ‘And I thought about you all the way—’
‘I couldn’t handle it: the playing cards bringing it all back,’ said Ricky. ‘My mother wanted to be part of that – she heard about it and wanted Louis to feature. And I…and there it was all over again. Louis Parry, the media, the neighbors—’
‘You couldn’t take it.’
He shook his head. ‘No.’
‘It’s dominated your entire life…’
He nodded. ‘I loved Louis.’
‘I know that,’ said Ren.
Ricky looked at her with hope in his eyes. ‘But I just ended up…I was always living in his shadow. Everyone was obsessed. My parents were never there.’
‘And when that faded a little when you were a teenager, which was perfectly understandable, the guilt ate you up. I could see that. And through it all, you still missed Louis and you felt for your parents.’
‘My father died never knowing what happened to Louis.’
Ren nodded. ‘And you didn’t want your mother to do the same.’
Ricky shook his head. ‘No. I didn’t want her to die. I don’t want her to die. And I thought, if she knew what happened to Louis, she could focus on that instead of focusing on meeting him in the next life. She kept saying that – about meeting him. I couldn’t handle it. It was like she had more to die for than she had to live for. She didn’t once talk about leaving me. She just talked about joining him. And I’m here. I’m alive, but why? What’s the point?’
‘That must have been devastating,’ said Ren. ‘But then, if it wasn’t devastating, you wouldn’t have been so desperate to—’
‘I’m so sorry, Ren. I had to do something…’
‘Jesus, Ricky. Beau? I swear to God…’
Ricky was crying. ‘I know. I’m so sorry. But he’s—’
‘Yes,’ said Ren. ‘Dead. Which makes this worse. Did you ever really know how good he was to Louis? Did you have a clue? He was so good to all the kids. He never turned anyone away. He understood them. Did you know he taught Louis for free? Those last few lessons he gave him were for free, because your parents were having a hard time. Beau was—’
‘I know all that,’ said Ricky. ‘God, I know and I’m sorry…But it was because of your family and what good people they are that I was able to do this. Your mom gave me these odd jobs to do, because she knew I needed the money. I’m not even any good. But it meant I could get into Beau’s room. It was the easiest way to…’
Ren shook her head. ‘Did your mom really believe that Beau could have done anything to Louis?’
‘She’s very weak now. She’s drifting in and out—’
‘So this was all ultimately pointless.’
‘How can you be so calm?’
‘Calm? On the outside maybe,’ said Ren. ‘How could you do this, Ricky? How?’
Ricky glanced at the door to his mother’s room as Ren’s voice started to rise.
‘Don’t,’ she shouted. ‘Don’t! Right now, I don’t care that your mother is sick in there. My brother is dead. And you tried to destroy my family all over again. All we did was try to help you.’ She was standing now. She wanted to slap him across the face. ‘Look at me,’ she shouted. ‘Look me in the eye.’
<
br /> ‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry—’
‘What were you thinking? Forget about Beau – you almost closed a case that was having its last shot at being solved. Whatever happened to Louis – the person who did it is still out there. The playing card could have worked. Someone could have…come forward with new information.’ Ugh.
‘Or someone could not have,’ said Ricky. ‘It’s been nearly thirty years.’
‘Did you think this fake truth was going to seep into your consciousness so that, in a few years time, you could believe that it was Beau and you could have some closure?’
‘I wasn’t hurting anyone who was alive.’
‘Oh my God, are you insane? The whole rest of my family is alive! Do you think this doesn’t hurt?’
‘I…I’m sorry.’
‘I’m done,’ said Ren. ‘I have got to get out of here. Daryl Stroud’s outside. He’ll come talk to you.’
‘What’s going to happen?’
‘I doubt my family will want to press charges, I know I don’t, but you can give one more interview to the press. With every detail of what you did – calling Crimestoppers, planting the T-shirt. And all the details that will honor Beau’s memory – or, so help me God…’
Ren opened the front door. A patrol car was parked at the end of the path. Daryl Stroud got out and nodded as he walked towards Ren. Pumped muscles, popping neck veins, tan, buzz cut. He shook her hand.
‘Hi, Ren. What’s all this about?’
‘Ricky is your tipster. He planted the T-shirt.’
‘What? No.’
Ren nodded. ‘Yes. The world is a fucked-up place.’ She started to walk down the path. ‘He’s inside. Go talk to him. He’ll tell you himself.’
‘Jesus Christ. I’m—’
She kept walking. ‘So, will I see you back at your office?’ When he didn’t answer, she turned around.
Daryl looked frozen.
‘Did you think that was it?’ said Ren. ‘I was just going to go quietly back to Denver?’
‘Does it have to be the office? Can we go to Bob’s?’
‘Sure,’ said Ren. ‘What the hell.’
Ren got into her hire car and called her mother’s house.
‘Ren? Where are you?’
‘In Catskill. I’m calling to let you know that everything is OK about Beau.’
‘In Catskill? What—’
‘I’m not staying for long. I’m exhausted. I’m calling to fill you in. I’m heading back to Denver on the next flight. It was Ricky Parry who—’
‘Ricky Parry?’
‘Let me finish. It was Ricky Parry who rang in the tip, who put the T-shirt in Beau’s room. He made the hole in the headboard when he was doing whatever work he was doing on the house.’
‘Ricky Parry? But—’
‘I know. It’s terrible.’
‘But, I always looked out for Ricky. I gave him work, I sent him over meals when his father was ill and his mother…I did everything I could for that family…’
‘He was desperate, Mom. He just wanted to relieve some of his mother’s suffering. He couldn’t do anything about the physical pain, but he thought this would take away some of the mental pain. It doesn’t excuse anything. You can’t take this personally. Beau was the easiest person to set up. Ricky had access to the house. And Beau couldn’t defend himself.’
‘But I don’t think Mrs Parry would have been relieved to think that Beau did this. She sent Louis to our house for tuition, she would have blamed herself for—’
‘You’re just going to have to stop looking for logic in all this,’ said Ren. ‘There is none.’
‘But—’
‘Don’t torture yourself, Mom. Ricky Parry was just screwed up. That’s as much sense as you will make of this. Let it go.’
‘I don’t know if I can.’
‘You have to,’ said Ren. ‘This is, in its own tragic way, good news. Try it, Mom. Try to feel the good news.’
47
Bob’s Diner had been completely transformed since Ren had been home at Christmas.
Nooo. ‘What did Bob do?’ said Ren, looking around.
‘He died,’ said Daryl.
‘Oops.’
‘And his daughter got her hippie hands on it. But she does do great coffee.’
‘Thank God.’ Ren looked around. ‘I’m not good with change.’
‘Except in boyfriends.’
Ren smiled.
‘I didn’t really think it was Beau,’ said Daryl. ‘I just needed to stay professional. I hope you can appreciate that. I just had to deal with the evidence. The tip came in. The T-shirt was there. Those were facts I had to address, despite my feelings.’
‘I understand,’ said Ren. ‘I would have been the same. But it still would have been hard.’
‘Well, don’t think it wasn’t hard for me.’
‘So, where will you go from here?’
‘I don’t know,’ said Daryl. ‘I’m sure it’s happened to you – you get a tip, you focus on it…But it’s not like we ignored anything else that came in. All this seemed to do was remind us we had nothing to go on in the first place. Jesus, though. Ricky Parry…He’s a mess.’
‘I know. God help him.’
‘And poor your mom. All of you.’
‘Do you know the worst part?’ said Ren. ‘Beau hasn’t been vindicated. Still, no one knows what happened to Louis Parry. And the next big event in town was Beau’s suicide…it just…didn’t help in that regard. People are so afraid of suicide. They assume that there is some hideous dark secret behind it. Handsome Beau Bryce from that regular family could not possibly have wanted to end his life. He must have been abused as a child, or gay, or a rapist, a pedophile, a murderer. They can’t understand depression. Just the despair that someone can go through. You knew Beau, he had a huge brain. It just…turned on itself. That’s how I see it. It’s like your brain just uses its power to convince you of something that is not true: that the world is better off without you or that you are better off without the world…’
‘I am so sorry,’ said Daryl. ‘It’s still terrible to see you upset.’
‘I’m sorry,’ said Ren. ‘I…God, it never goes away. I keep hoping that, one day, I’ll be able to talk about his suicide, anyone’s suicide, and be objective. But…my heart is so broken.’ She paused. ‘Which leads me to…Daryl, I need a favor. I was wondering if you could do one thing for me…’
Ren stood at the carousel in Denver airport, waiting for her cell phone to kick in. It beeped several times with voicemails. As she was about to check them, the phone rang.
‘Hey, Ren. It’s Jay.’
‘Hey,’ said Ren. ‘How are you?’
‘I just wanted to say well done on Ricky Parry. I never would have guessed.’ He paused. ‘Not that I’m saying you guessed either. I’m just saying—’
‘Thank you.’
‘I don’t know how you do it.’
‘Neither do I.’
‘I could barely work out where I was last weekend, and I was there.’
‘Were you?’ said Ren. ‘Is there anyone who can confirm that?’
Jay laughed.
‘So…’
‘How’s everything else?’
‘Good,’ said Ren. ‘Good.’
‘I…How are you getting by without your…doctor? That must be hard on you.’
‘It is,’ said Ren. ‘I can’t even explain how hard.’ Because you probably wouldn’t understand.
‘I want you to know that, if you ever need anyone to talk to, I’m here.’
‘That’s really nice, Jay. Thanks.’
‘I mean, it’s at the other end of a phone, but…’
‘Thank you anyway.’ It’s the thought that counts, I guess. ‘Jay, Mom’s trying to get through, I’ve got to go.’
‘Talk soon.’
‘Take care.’
Her mom sounded manic. ‘Oh, Ren – Daryl Stroud just called me. The man they interviewed who said Beau had been
doing drugs has admitted that he made it up.’
Thank you, Daryl. ‘I knew it,’ said Ren. ‘I told you.’
‘I feel terrible now for having believed it.’
Sweet Jesus. ‘Mom, stop it. Stop always finding a reason to feel bad about something. You should listen to yourself some time. You have just been told something that made you feel good. And straight away, you went looking for something to make you feel bad. Did you even pause for a minute to feel the good feeling? Or do you think your whole life might implode if you do?’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘It means: you’re only happy when it rains.’
‘That’s not true.’
‘And because you don’t believe that’s true, it will never change,’ said Ren. ‘It must be exhausting.’
‘I am exhausted.’
Ren let out a breath. ‘Go, get some rest. Do something nice for yourself. Why don’t you and Dad go out for dinner?’
‘I’m worried your father might—’
‘Might what? Steal some of your French fries? Slip on a wet tile in the men’s room? Choke to death on a piece of steak? You need to get a swear jar, Mom, but instead of putting a dollar into it when you swear, do it when you start a sentence with “I’m worried…” Call it a Worry Jar. And by Christmas, you’ll have saved up enough money to go on that cruise around the world that you were worried you would never have enough money to go on. Or would you be too worried that the ship would sink?’
‘Sinking is the least of my worries. People are getting murdered on cruise ships these days.’
Ren started laughing. ‘Oh, you’ll have that money saved up by next week. Anyway, I’ve got to go. Enjoy your dinner with Dad.’
‘What if people in the restaurant are all staring at us?’
‘It will only be because they’re thinking, “Look at that handsome couple. Isn’t it wonderful that a couple who have been together that long can still be so in love?”’