Josh’s hand slid down my side and rested at my hip, tugging me into him. I’d never let someone see me so vulnerable, but I didn’t feel as devastated as I thought I would by allowing Josh to see everything I was feeling. It was as if he absorbed some of my pain, and I’d forever be grateful to him for that.
I pulled back to look at him. His actions were so confusing sometimes, but right now I didn’t want to think about what would happen tomorrow. I slid my hand from his shoulder down to his chest, resting over his heart. I just wanted to savor the moment, feel his steady breathing, the pulse of his heart thrumming against my palm.
“I needed that,” I finally said, in reference to my long cry. I studied Josh’s face gravely but managed a small smile when he grabbed my hand, lifted it to his mouth and brushed his lips against my knuckles.
“I know.” He tipped his head back, his eyes were heavily lidded, and they roamed my face. “You actually have no idea how good you are, do you? So kind. So caring.” His thumb brushed my bottom lip, his voice raspy, and low, but not seductive. He sounded tired, and I wondered if that’s why he was saying these things. “So beautiful.”
I didn’t get a chance to respond because there was a loud bang on the driver’s side window that had me jumping to my seat, my heart in my throat. I’d totally forgotten we were still in the boathouse parking lot after dark. I’d been lost in that same little bubble where it was just Josh and me.
Josh rolled down the window to reveal an agitated Eugene Banks, one of our two public safety officers on campus. We didn’t have a traditional police department rolling through our tiny campus like the big universities. Instead, we had Tom Willard, who, legend had it, was as old as the school built in 1778, and Gene—who made Steve Urkel look like a Navy Seal.
“Addison?” Gene practically gasped, eyes darting between Josh and me. His surprise to find me in a pickup truck with a boy on school property after dark wasn’t unwarranted. It was against my character. The only thing I’d ever gotten in trouble for was parking in the designated public safety spots when I was running late for work, but that just resulted in a note on my windshield telling me to stop parking in his spot.
Josh let out a huff when Gene said, “Are you… Is he holding you against your will? Because I can detain him until…”
“Until the real police get here?” Josh cocked his head innocently as if he wasn’t trying to rile Gene up.
“I’m certified to…” Gene started a tirade to fluff his authority complex, but Josh cut him off.
“Is that pepper spray?” Josh reached a long arm out the window and snatched the pepper spray off of Gene’s utility belt.
“Hey! Give that back!” Gene reached in the window, but Josh held the canister over to my side, out of his reach.
“It’s a good thing they didn’t give you a gun,” Josh said, his voice teasing. “And that I’m not a criminal.”
“Penal code 156 states that…”
“Drop the act. We’re heading out.” Josh straightened his posture, handing the pepper spray back to Gene.
“Not without a ticket and a date with the honor board, you’re not.” I sighed at the absurdity of it all. He was bluffing—this would never make it before the honor board.
“Remi passed today.” I interrupted their little verbal squabble, and Gene’s indignant attitude evaporated instantly.
“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that.” He leaned an elbow through Josh’s window, and the empathy in his voice was sincere. “I saw you the other day walking her by the new baseball field. She was stopping at…”
“Every tree.” I smiled.
Josh cleared his throat and interrupted Gene’s walk down memory lane. “Are we free to go, or do I need to hire a lawyer?” Josh’s expression was sour, but I let it go. I guessed he was still irritated that Gene assumed the only reason I was with him was that I was being kidnapped.
Gene screwed his face up in distaste at Josh before turning to me with a softened expression. “Have a good night, Addison, I’m so sorry about Remi.” Then he gestured toward Josh. “But if this one gives you any trouble…”
“She’ll call someone who can do more than have my parking pass revoked.” Josh wound the window up while Gene was mid-response and cranked the ignition, pulling his steering wheel down with a pop.
He backed out of the space and headed into town, presumably toward my house. We were both silent, and I wasn’t sure why. I almost felt like he was mad, and I held my breath like his brewing temper might be directed at me.
“Thanks for sticking through that with me,” I said, not wanting to say Remi’s name for fear I’d burst into tears. Josh linked his fingers with mine as he pulled into my driveway.
His thumb stroked the top of my hand, and his eyes met mine. “I’ve never been like this with anyone.” His voice was sardonic, like he couldn’t believe what he was saying. “But I’m telling you, Addison.” He shook his head, cutting himself off with whatever he was going to say.
I breathed in, the way he was looking at me had my stomach twisting in ways it never had before. The way his eyes roved over my face, my neck, then back up to my eyes, had warmth spreading throughout my body.
He scooted closer, his breath warm against my cheek and his fingers curled around my thigh, so intimately. “I’d be lying if I said it doesn't feel like you’re mine to protect.” He pressed our foreheads together and let out a shaky breath.
I gasped when his mouth brushed mine so softly, it was only a whisper of a kiss. That quickly, he was sitting back in his seat, leaving my head spinning and my pulse racing.
“I know all of this about you now.” He gestured to Remi’s collar that I had set on his dash. “Is there anything you want to know about me?” Something in his tone made me feel like there was a particular question he wanted me to ask, one with an answer that I should want to know.
Sure. I wanted to know why Josh was so hot and cold. Why he picked me, or if he even did pick me? For all I knew, he spent every night of the week playing with different girls’ emotions. I wanted to know where he was from, what his middle name was, why his eyes always looked so haunted, why it felt like I’d looked into those eyes a million times before.
But it had been a sad, exhausting day, and in my gut, I knew he wouldn’t divulge anything he wasn’t ready to. So with a straight face, I looked him dead in the eye and asked, “Is Jeff your drug dealer?”
It was a solid minute before he stopped laughing, shaking his head in the negative. “He’s my cousin,” he finally said, wiping his eyes that were tearing up from the deep laugh that shook his body. “What made you think he was a drug dealer?”
“Laney and I saw you guys exchanging money in a really shady way the other day,” I said, cocking my head to the side in question. “He said he doesn’t go to school here.”
“He’s just here visiting me,” he replied. “When my father left, Jeff was there for me more than anyone. He’s the one I call whenever I don’t know what to do.”
I put my hand on his shoulder and leaned in closer, sharing his pain. “I understand—I know what it’s like growing up and feeling completely alone. My dad left us when I was really young, so it was just my mother taking care of my sister and me.” I stopped and quickly looked away. “I don’t know why I’m telling you all of this. I never tell anyone anything remotely personal.” I rambled.
He tipped my chin up to look at him, moving his lips down to brush against mine. “I want to know all your secrets. I want you to know mine too.” He pressed his forehead against mine, breaking our kiss and breathing me in slowly.
“Addison,” he whispered, his hands sliding from my shoulders to keep me from pressing my lips back to his. “We’ve got so much to talk about, and I don’t even know where to start.”
I had the overwhelming urge to kiss him deeply, to know his body as well as I wanted to learn his soul. I pressed against him, sliding my hand down his neck, over his chest and then his stomach. I needed to drown my grief
in the way only Josh could make me feel, because bottling things up and forgetting stopped working a long time ago. I decided to take the leap, do what I wanted for once and not worry about the consequences until tomorrow.
“Not tonight. I just want to keep feeling this way,” I whispered, before crashing my lips to his.
Chapter Fifteen
“Don’t do that,” he groaned, breaking our kiss and pressing his face into the crook of my neck.
“S—sorry?” I let my hands fall from his shoulders, unsure of what I’d done wrong. Josh was good at that, pulling me in and then shutting it down, twisting me up inside as no one else could. “I thought you wanted to…” God, this whole thing, this whole conversation was so embarrassing.
“No… no… Fuck, Addie, you have no idea how much I want you.” He sighed. “I’m sorry.” He pressed a light kiss to my lips, and he closed his eyes for a brief second before saying, “I have zero self-control with you, and I don’t want to… I don’t want to go too fast.” He made a sound that was nearly feral before rolling his hips up against me. “Jesus, Addison, stop biting your lip when you’re looking at me.”
I couldn’t handle any more sadness. I needed Josh—I needed to lose myself in him, to make me forget all the bad stuff.
“If you’re worried that I’ll think you’re easy...” I had to bite the inside of my cheek as I spoke so I didn’t laugh. But as soon as he cut his eyes at me under furrowed brows, I couldn’t help the snicker that erupted.
“You’re absolutely stunning when you smile,” he rasped, his pitch low, and he leaned in for another long, slow kiss that had me melting against him in a way I didn’t think anyone else could ever accomplish.
I rested my head on his shoulder and listened to him try to even out his breathing.
“Have you ever been with someone…” I trailed off and turned my head so I could nuzzle his skin, mortified even to ask something like this, “…without much experience?”
“No,” he answered me quickly, and I got the feeling that he was trying to dampen my embarrassment. “But I’ve never been with someone I cared about, either. Not like this.”
I was logical. Realistic. Black and white. Why would this be any different? “I haven’t done anything before. That day at work is the most I’ve…” I sighed. This was so hard. Feelings were just so hard for me. “You’re probably wondering why… why I don’t get close to anyone.” My mind was scrambled, my thoughts all over the place. Should I tell him what happened to my family? Is this an appropriate time? God, I hated the way my brain worked sometimes.
He was flush against me, cradling my face in his palm. “I’m glad I’m your first. That you trust me enough to let me be close to you.” His voice was steady, but there was something in his eyes I couldn’t quite place, until he added, “I’m incredibly selfish when it comes to you. I want you all to myself. Every part of you.” He moved and pulled me in even closer as he spoke against my lips. “I should feel bad, but I don’t. I don’t want anyone to know you the way I know you.”
“I want you to know everything,” I breathed before deepening our kiss. When Josh pulled me closer, his hands on my hips, grinding me down on his erection, I nipped his bottom lip before moving to his neck. His head fell back against his headrest, exposing more sensitive skin to my greedy mouth. He moaned my name and slid one hand up my back to the nape of my neck, tunneling his fingers through my hair as he tugged my mouth away from his skin. We sat there, eyes locked, chests pressed together, his mouth hovering over mine.
“You’re so beautiful,” he said, his fingers kneading my scalp as his lips brushed mine so gently. “We need to slow this down so we can talk.” His head fell back, this time in defeat.
“I’m listening,” I whispered, my stomach knotting in apprehension.
But just then, the porch light flicked on, and we both looked up to see Laney bounding down the front porch steps, headed toward the truck. Taylor stood in the doorway, watching, probably to make sure Laney didn’t drag me from Josh’s truck by the hair. I’d been ignoring her calls since we left the clinic, and I was sure that put her in a foul mood. I grabbed Remi’s collar off of the dash, in case I needed to make a swift exit.
“Shit,” Josh cursed, sitting up straight in his seat like he was sixteen, about to meet his prom date’s shotgun-wielding father for the first time.
“Where have you been? I’ve been texting you for hours. I wanted to apologize for the whole Nick thing last night,” Laney accused, whipping my door open. Her eyes bounced from Josh to me, waiting for an explanation. Then, they focused on the mint green fabric of the collar, with little daisies sporadically detailing the edges that I held reverently in my hand. “Oh, Addison. I’m sorry. I should have… I should have known.” She hugged me, and unlike when Josh hugged me, I was able to keep my tears in check. I would be emotional for a while, but I’d hold it together because invariably, there would be another old soul that needed my help. Nobody would ever replace Remi Sue, but at least I’d love the next one just as much. When Laney pulled away, I hopped out of the truck and watched her eyeing Josh.
“You went with her?” She seemed skeptical, and I understood why.
“Yeah. Right place, right time sorta deal.” He rubbed his hand through his hair, and even though I hadn’t known Josh for long, I knew him well enough to tell that he was becoming agitated.
“Interesting,” Laney said, her attention turning to me and an accusatory smirk graced her lips. “Very… interesting.” I’d never let anyone go with me to Dr. Alexander’s, not even Laney or Taylor, so I knew I was going to get grilled about why I’d let Josh accompany me once Laney dragged me inside.
Laney leaned on the door frame, batting her lashes at Josh. “We’re having people over this weekend.”
“We are?” I nudged her because now that I wasn’t in close proximity to Josh, I could think straight again. I needed time to figure things out, to see if this side he’d shown me tonight was the real him. I so badly wanted this to be the real Josh, but hosting a party with a bunch of his rugby friends was not the place to do it. But in classic Laney fashion, she ignored me.
“You should come,” she said, linking her elbow with mine. “And bring some of your hot rugby friends.” She didn’t give Josh a chance to respond before shutting the truck door and pulling me with her up the driveway toward the stairs. Based on that interaction, I guessed we were in the next phase of Laney’s relationship. Make Nick jealous by hooking up with all of his friends.
I glanced back when I heard Josh call out to me from his open window. “If you need anything, call me and I’ll come back, okay?”
“Thanks, I will,” I responded, and I meant it because I knew now that he could make me feel better even in the worst situations. When I reached for the front door, I glanced back again, and Josh’s eyes were still on me. I didn’t hear the rumble of his engine until we were safely inside.
“Oh.” Taylor touched the collar in my hand, her voice broken. So much emotion in one small word.
“I’m okay.” I forced a smile when she pulled away from hugging me. “I just really want to shower and get some sleep.” I glanced over at Laney, who I thought would have already started grilling me about Josh, but her eyes were sympathetic, and I knew I was off the hook for the night.
My brain was sort of scrambled as I showered and dressed in my sweats. My heart clenched when I looked at my bed—I couldn’t sleep there tonight without Remi, so I retired to the couch. Snuggled under the flannel blanket that wasn’t Remi’s favorite, I tried to think of other things, things that made my heart clench for very different reasons. Things like the way I fit perfectly on Josh’s lap, and how his palm cradled my head so gently. Feelings that were so new, so foreign, that I wasn’t sure I would ever feel them with another person again. I breathed in deep, remembering the spicy scent of his cologne before I drifted off.
Chapter Sixteen
A cold hand covered my mouth and jerked me out of my restless sle
ep on the hard couch. I started to scream, but the sound wouldn’t come. I struggled and flipped over on my side, prepared to fight. This was it. He’d come back for me.
“Shh,” Taylor said, and I could see the terror in her eyes even in the dimly lit living room. “Don’t scream. Someone’s trying to break in. Where’s your cell? Mine is missing.”
“My bedroom.” I started to push past her, but she grabbed my arm, pulling me down to the floor beside her.
“Quiet, and get down so they can’t see us through the windows,” she hissed.
“Where’s Laney?” I whispered as we inched down the hallway toward my room.
“Her door is locked, and I didn’t wanna make too much noise trying to get in.” Taylor’s hushed whisper was barely audible as we crawled across my bedroom floor. I yanked the charger out of the wall and pulled the cord until the phone slid off my nightstand and onto the floor. “It sounded like metal scraping, like someone was trying to pry the windows open.”
I dialed 911 with shaking fingers, and it was only one ring before the operator was asking for my details.
I spoke slowly and deliberately because of my hushed tone. I knew we weren’t in a densely populated area, and the police arrival time wouldn’t be within the next three minutes like in a major city. I wanted to make sure she got our information correct the first time.
Just as I gave our location, a thunderous banging on what sounded like the storm door leading to the back yard caused Taylor to squeal.
“Are you in a secure location?” The operator was calm, and that’s what I needed. “Do you see anyone?”
“No, we think he’s at the back door,” I whispered. “We’re still in my bedroom. But our roommate is alone in her bedroom. Her door’s locked, we can’t get in.”
“Okay, just stay where you are and lock the door to your bedroom. We have someone en route.”
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