Hold on to Love

by Roberta Capizzi

  “Yeah, well, I was going to ask you out for a drink and catch up, but it seems I missed my chance big time.” He damned had; he’d had his shot at creating a happy family with her but he’d blown it when he’d decided to chase a dream that never worked out in the end. “So, who’s the lucky guy? Anyone I know?” he asked then, noticing the embarrassed way in which she’d looked away from him.

  Her face lit up, and he could tell she was head over heels in love with the father of her baby. “You remember Tommy? He went to school with Andy, used to hang out a lot with you guys after school?”

  “Tommy Malloy? Lucky bastard,” he said, making Pam laugh. Her cheeks flushed slightly, and she looked flattered by the compliment. He should’ve seen it coming; Tommy used to put on all his charm whenever Pam was around while she was still dating Sean. No wonder he’d jumped at the chance once she was free again. “Well, tell him I said that. I’m sure he’ll appreciate the compliment.”

  “So, I heard you’re working at your family ranch? What happened to your master plan, the one you used to ramble on about when we were kids?”

  Sean shrugged, a sting of annoyance and something close to disillusionment forming at the pit of his stomach. He didn’t want to talk about that; he’d never talked with anyone about the reasons why he’d abandoned his dream of opening a horse-breeding business, which would include a riding school for kids with disabilities. He definitely didn’t want to talk about it with an ex-girlfriend.

  “That was just a childhood dream. This is way more practical and hopefully I’ll be able to turn it into something bigger soon.”

  Pam must have noticed his uneasiness, because she started fumbling with the strap of her purse, and cleared her throat.

  “Anyway, I’d better get going now. I need to buy a few things and then rush home; my family’s coming over for dinner tonight so I’ve got to start cooking.”

  The image of a cozy family dinner in a nice two-story house flashed in front of his eyes as he imagined what could’ve been if he hadn’t dumped her a few months before graduation. Pam had been his first girlfriend. At the time they were so silly in love, they thought they’d get married and live in a farm somewhere in the wilderness with horses grazing in the fields, and three or four kids running around in the garden.

  When, at the start of their senior year, his dream of starting his own business had become his priority, he’d realized that Pam could never be part of it; if he wanted to make it, he couldn’t afford any distractions. All Pam really wanted was a white wedding, a nice house and kids, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to give any of that to her in the near future—not until he was sure he’d be able to provide for a family. He broke up with her after winter break but soon after that he’d heard his parents talk about who’d take over the family business and, knowing neither of his brothers would, Sean realized that he would have to give up on his plans and help his parents. In a little less than two weeks he’d lost the girl he was in love with and his life-long dream had been crushed.

  “Maybe you could come over for dinner sometime? We catch up with Andy and Reese on a regular basis, so perhaps you could join them the next time they visit?”

  Sean smiled and nodded. “Sure, sounds great.” he said, although what he was really thinking was, No way in hell. He didn’t fancy spending the evening at their place, watching the happy couple entertain guests in their lovely house and reminding him of what he’d given up the moment he’d dumped Pam. More than ten years had passed but now that he saw how happy Pam was, and how beautiful she looked with that cute baby bump, he wished he could have some of that happiness too.

  Would he ever manage to find that kind of love? Would he ever find someone who’d make him feel as if he were walking on air with his head in the clouds and his heart beating wildly in his chest?

  Pam smiled at him, probably reading his real thoughts behind his fake smile, and with a wave she turned around and walked away, leaving him feeling depressed and awfully lonely.

  “Was that Pam Ridgeway, your high school girlfriend?” his father asked, coming back from his stroll around the other stalls. Sean shrugged, pretending the meeting hadn’t caused an emotional upheaval inside him. “She sure looks good; did you know she married Tommy Malloy? Who would’ve thought that rascal would ever settle down, huh?”

  Sean wasn’t in the right mood to talk about Tommy or Pam, or anything else that would make him feel as if his whole life had been a failure. He’d been relaxed and happy when he’d woken up in the morning, and now he felt as if a truck had run him over, and had reversed for good measure.

  It was time he started dating again; maybe he should call his cousin Joe, go spend a weekend with him in Cheyenne and hit the town. He was sure by the end of the night he’d have a girl hanging by his arm—Joe knew half the women in Wyoming, and maybe Sean would find the right girl for him, the one who’d make his heart flutter and make him feel like he were worthy of someone else’s love.

  Chapter Four

  She made it.

  She was free.

  New York was two thousand miles away, and so was Julian. He would never be able to get hold of her here, and neither would her mother. For three long weeks she would be free, free from a job she hated, from a stalker disguised as an attorney, from an over-controlling mother, from a world where she just didn’t seem to be able to fit in.

  Free.

  The word made her heartbeat speed up, and filled her body with adrenaline. She had never been anywhere on her own. She had been to nice holiday spots with her family when she was little, and she had been away to nice five-star resorts with her so-called friends, but she had never truly been alone anywhere, and the thought was enticing. For the first time in her life she would be able to be herself, free from all the expectations, and maybe she’d finally manage to understand who she wanted to be.

  The taxi left the airport and the traffic behind, and she stared out the window at green fields that seemed to stretch out for miles and white fluffy clouds chasing one another in the ocean-blue sky above. Alyssa finally laid back in the seat and let the tension leave her body; she hadn’t realized until then how on edge she’d been since she’d left her apartment in the early morning, but the view and the fresh air were already soothing her nerves. This was exactly what she needed right now and, for the first time since she had booked the holiday, she thought it had been the smartest thing she had ever done in her life. She smiled, feeling like a little girl who was seeing the world for the first time.

  She knew she would be in trouble once she was back in New York: there’d be lots of reproachful looks and probably discussions, too, but she didn’t care; she didn’t want to think about that just yet.

  She had instinctively switched on her phone while she’d been waiting for her suitcase, and had found three text messages from her mother, five from Julian and a couple of messages in her voicemail, which she hadn’t bothered checking. After that, she made a resolution to not switch on her mobile again until it was time to go back to New York; she needed to put her life on hold for a while, and the least she heard from anyone who could remind her of it, the better.

  “Are you here on holiday, Miss?”

  The taxi driver looked at her in the rearview mirror, smiling at her. When she had called from New York looking for a taxi service from the Jackson Hole Airport to the Maclaines’ ranch in Wind Creek, she’d had to contact three different companies before she had finally found someone who was willing to drive almost two hours to take her there. Although he’d pointed out that the ride would cost a fortune, since he’d have to drive from Wind Creek to the airport and back, and she would be better off renting a car and driving there herself, she’d said she wouldn’t mind paying whatever the cost was as long as he would pick her up at the airport and drive her up to the Maclaines’ front door. Booking this trip had been enough of an adventure; she didn’t want to risk getting lost in the fields while driving to the ranch.

  “I guess I look like a
tourist,” she said answering his question with a smile. “And I don’t suppose you have many people coming over from New York on business.”

  He laughed, shaking his head. “No, we don’t. There’s not much business here for anyone but rodeo folks, and you sure don’t look like one. We just don’t get many people around this time of the year, as school is on and families tend to come over during summertime.”

  “I needed some time off, and I don’t like crowded places. I thought this would be ideal for a relaxing holiday.”

  “Relaxing is the right word for Wind Creek,” he said with another smile, and then he fell silent for a few minutes. He hadn’t seemed to find it weird that a girl from New York had planned a holiday all by herself in the middle of nowhere; she must be a better liar than she had thought.

  “I’m sure you’ll enjoy your stay at the Maclaines’,” he said after a while. Alyssa blinked away the thoughts she was lost in. “They’re lovely people; I happen to know them pretty well, as their eldest, Andrew, used to hang out with my son when they were young. Now Andrew’s married and has two young kids, but they still see each other every now and then.”

  “Wind Creek is a pretty small town, isn’t it?”

  He nodded. “It sure is; the population is around eight hundred souls, and they mostly live out in farmhouses and homesteads. I myself live in town, but it’s definitely not like living in a city.”

  “I bet you know everyone, then.” She barely knew three or four people of the forty apartments in her building, and she didn’t even know their names as she had only happened to meet them in the elevator a couple of times.

  “Yeah, living in a small town has its cons, too.” He looked at her through the rearview mirror again, and she noticed he was smiling. “I’m sure you’ll find it very different from the Big Apple.”

  “I really hope so,” she said, seriously. “Sometimes you just need to get away from the crowds and traffic.”

  She hoped the weather would stay just as nice as it was today; she suddenly felt the need to be out in the sun, to take lots of long fascinating walks through the fields and woods, and she really wanted to go horse-riding again. She was sure Mother Nature would heal her soul, and she would finally know what to do with her life once the vacation was over.

  The driver put on some country music and she felt her eyelids grow heavy as she looked out of the window, realizing she had barely been able to sleep a whole night through in the past few weeks, ever since she had gone out with Julian. She knew it was useless to fight it, so she just closed her eyes and dozed off.

  ***

  “We’re here, Miss,” the old driver said, waking Alyssa from her nap. She blinked a couple of times, and looked out the window as the car drove down a gravel lane toward a red wooden house with a white porch and flower pots on the railings. Another red building stood to the left and, through the open door, she saw it was a stable. Close to the stables was a white wooden fence enclosure, inside of which horses were grazing. Looking out the other window, she noticed a field where black and white cows and a few sheep dotted the green and gold landscape. It looked like one of those impressionist pictures she’d seen at an art show a few years ago. She’d always loved impressionism and the way the artists made everything look so romantic, almost dream-like. Now she felt as if she were living in one of those pictures.

  She smiled when she saw a dog running in circles around the sheep. She couldn’t wait to get out of the car, and start exploring the place where she’d be spending the next three weeks.

  When the car stopped, she didn’t have time to even grab the handle as the driver opened the door for her. She hopped out of the taxi and stretched her legs, taking a lungful of the clean, fresh air she wasn’t used to. She remembered when she used to go to her grandparents’ country house in County Kerry, in Ireland, and the first thing she would do was to inhale the air that smelled of grass and rain. This smelled different: it smelled of grass and trees, but it also smelled of animals, of cows and horses—of country life; a life she had never experienced and was looking forward to getting to know. She took another long breath and the pure air stung her nostrils, filling her lungs with something she hadn’t experienced ever since she’d stopped going to her grandparents’ during summer break: freedom.

  The old driver passed by her and went to open the trunk.

  “I’m sorry I fell asleep,” Alyssa said to him, feeling a little embarrassed. “I woke up so early this morning, and I never manage to sleep on planes. It was rather rude of me.”

  The old man grinned, and she noticed the wrinkles on his skin, reckoning he must be in his late fifties, if not in his early sixties.

  “No problem at all: that is the effect I have on women.” He laughed while unloading her suitcase, and he brought it up toward the front door, although she insisted she could carry it herself. “I don’t know how it works in New York, Miss, but here in Wind Creek men are all old-style and they like treating women right.”

  She couldn’t help laughing as she took out the money from her bag, and handed it to him.

  “New Yorkers barely open doors; they’re always too busy running around. They’re definitely not at all interested in treating women right.”

  “When I was young, you were supposed to win a woman’s heart by treating her like a queen. I guess it’s just old-fashioned now,” he said, taking the money and raising his eyebrows when he saw it was way more than he’d asked for.

  “Well, I wish more men were old-fashioned, you know. Every girl dreams of being a queen deep down.” She winked, and put a hand on his when he tried to give her the change. “Keep it, it’s okay. You’ve been a real gentleman, mister . . .?”

  “Aaron, just call me Aaron.”

  “Well, I’m Alyssa. And I hope to see you again, Aaron.”

  “Here,” he said, handing her a small card. “This is my card with my phone number. I’ll be pleased to drive you back to the airport, or anywhere you need to go.”

  She took the card and nodded, smiling at him. Aaron turned to go back to the car and retrieve her smaller bag when a voice coming from behind them startled both him and Alyssa.

  “Hey, Aaron. What’s up, ol’ man? Haven’t seen much of ya lately.”

  Alyssa stared at the man striding toward them in a pair of faded dark-blue jeans and a checkered shirt with rolled up sleeves. He wore a cream cowboy hat that half hid his eyes and gave her a polite smile when he noticed her standing behind the old driver.

  “Miss O’Riordan, I guess?” the man asked when he reached them.

  “Alyssa,” she said as she took the hand he’d stretched out toward her. His skin was rough against her palm and his squeeze was strong. She liked people with strong handshakes; she’d always thought it denoted confidence.

  “I’m Sean Maclaine. My parents own the place, and I work here, too.”

  He smiled and nodded a thank you as Aaron put down the smallest bag on top of her big suitcase. When he said goodbye and left, Sean grabbed Alyssa’s suitcase, and his eyes locked with hers from underneath the brim of his hat. Long, thick lashes a woman would kill for framed a pair of ice-blue eyes. It was hard for her to hold his stare, and she immediately looked away, feeling her cheeks start to flush. He looked much younger than she’d thought when he’d first approached her; his deep voice and slight drawl had tricked her into thinking he was close to forty but now that he was so close, she could tell he was probably only a few years older than her. She couldn’t see the color of his hair, but from the stubble of his five o’clock shadow she could tell it must be a dark shade of blonde, or perhaps a light shade of brown. Either color would make a nice combination with those striking eyes.

  He turned his back to her, and as he lifted her suitcase as if it were empty, the muscles on his arms flexed. She winced inwardly when she caught herself checking him out. She blamed it on the jetlag and the long flight; she’d never really checked out a guy so blatantly before and she’d been here barely five minutes. No, t
his wasn’t what she’d come here for, she reminded herself. She’d put her life on stand-by for a reason, and she was definitely not going to mess it all up because of a man. She was probably just dazed by this new adventure she was about to embark on and he looked, well, different from the men she was used to having around. She was sure that was the reason why he’d caught her eye. She definitely wasn’t going to fantasize over him any time soon—that was certain.

  Alyssa picked up her carry-on and Sean asked her to follow him inside. As he led the way up the five steps that led to the front porch, she had to force herself not to stare at what looked like a very toned and rock-hard rear. A hot flush colored her cheeks, and she felt like a silly teenager who’d never seen a boy before. Well, technically, she’d never seen a real cowboy before, so perhaps she was excused, but seriously, what was the matter with her?

  She took a deep breath and tried hard to think of something that would make her heart slow down. When he turned around and invited her inside, she was confident her cheeks had gone back to their normal shade of pale.

  Chapter Five

  As she took a step inside, Alyssa felt a warm, homey atmosphere, something she hadn’t experienced since she stopped spending summer holidays at her grandparents’. A delicious smell of cinnamon and pastry wafted in the air, making her mouth water, and she could hear a faint sound of country music echoing somewhere down the short corridor that led to a door with a ‘kitchen’ tag on it. The hallway was spacious with a console table on the right, wooden coat pegs on the left wall, and a big potted plant in the corner.

  “Let me call my mother,” Sean said, putting her suitcase on the floor. “She’s the one who looks after the bureaucracy. I’m just the manpower here.”

  He flashed her another perfect smile, and Alyssa smiled back. He disappeared inside the kitchen and a minute later a smiling, blonde-haired woman walked out, in a knee-length pleated skirt and a nice blouse with an embroidered collar. Alyssa couldn’t help thinking she looked much more motherly than her own constantly suit-clad mother.