Hold on to Love

by Roberta Capizzi

  Her face lit up, and she looked at him with wide eyes, as if he had just offered to take her on a trip to the moon.

  “Really?”

  He smiled when he saw the excitement brighten up her face; he wanted to take her face in his hands and kiss her all over. He looked away, trying to push that thought to the back of his mind, and rummaged in the lunchbox, looking for an apple.

  “Yeah, you’d like camping out here, with bears and elks getting inside your tent. I’m sure they teach you how to deal with wild animals in those New York high schools.”

  She rolled her eyes, making him laugh.

  “You’re not funny, you know. And you should stop making fun of me, just because I want to experience new things. You’re getting on my nerves.”

  He laughed and took a bite of the apple while she folded her arms across her chest, pouting like a child.

  “You know, I’m starting to believe that you took me here knowing there’s no fish in this river, just so that you could make fun of me with your family afterwards. It wouldn’t surprise me at all.”

  “Who, me? I’d never in a million years do something so mean to you,” he said, batting his eyelashes a couple of times and taking another bite of the apple.

  “We’ve been here for ages and I haven’t caught anything; not even a swamp rat, for that matter. You are mischievous, Sean, pulling my leg like this.”

  “Wanna know why you haven’t caught anything, City Girl? Because you can’t keep your mouth shut, that’s why. There’s always been lots of fish in this river, but you’re scaring them all away, so don’t blame me.” He shrugged then gave her a smug grin. “Ever wondered why all fishermen are men? Because you girls just can’t be quiet. Shut up for a while and you’ll see.”

  “If you wanted me to leave you alone, all you had to do was say it. There’s no need to make up stories about me scaring the fish away.”

  “Jeez, girl, relax. You’re always so touchy.” He chuckled, taking a last bite of the apple. “I didn’t say it because I wanted you to leave me alone; but if you want to catch a fish, honestly, you have to be patient and quiet. That’s what fishing’s all about: patience and silence. Two things women usually lack.”

  “Ha ha, that’s so funny. You know, you should really try a career as a comedian.”

  He loved teasing her, and he loved it when she got mad and teased him back; it was something that made him feel closer to her. Even though she’ll be gone in forty-eight hours, his mind reminded him, taking all the fun away.

  He stood up and picked up his fishing rod, trying to keep his mind away from that awful thought.

  Chapter Twenty-three

  “We’d better get going,” Sean said a moment later. Alyssa turned and saw he was holding his fishing rod in his hand. “Clouds are coming in; I think it’s going to rain sometime soon. You don’t want to get your nice clothes wet, do you?”

  Alyssa glared at him but then she saw he was smiling, so she shook her head, knowing he’d never stop teasing her. Sean laughed. She loved it when he did; he seemed so much younger and careless than the responsible guy he used to play the role of.

  “I haven’t caught a fish yet; I intend to stay until I catch one. But you’re free to go back, of course, if you’re scared you’ll ruin your hairdo.”

  He shrugged and got closer to her, sitting back down next to her on the grass. She could almost feel his breath on her face and just the thought of it sent shivers down her spine. She felt uneasy and was just about to stand up and get ready to leave when Sean lay down on the grass, his hands intertwined behind his head.

  “Wake me up when you’re ready to go back.”

  She turned to look at him and saw he had pulled his hat over his eyes again. She wanted to kiss him so badly she could barely think straight; and she probably would have if a second later she hadn’t felt the rod giving a pull so hard it almost fell out of her hands, distracting her from all those silly thoughts.

  “Oh my gosh, Sean, I caught something. Help me!”

  Sean opened his eyes and sat up, expertly grabbing the rod and helping her pull it in slowly. His strong, rough hands covered hers and she wanted to let the rod go and move away from him. She didn’t know whether her heart was thudding so loudly in her ears because she had been caught by surprise or because Sean was so close to her that it would only take a small movement of her head to kiss him. She was pretty sure it was the latter option.

  “Easy now, or the line will break. Give it some slack, then reel it in, slowly.” His warm breath on her neck didn’t help her concentrate; nevertheless, she did what he said while trying to send away the vision of the two of them kissing. When the fish finally appeared out of the water and Sean placed it in the basket to remove the hook, she jumped.

  “Aw, no. Look at it, the poor thing—that hook must hurt really bad!”

  “Once it stops breathing it won’t hurt so bad,” he said, taking the hook out of its mouth while the fish was still moving, in its last attempt at survival.

  “This is horrible. I can’t do it!”

  She placed her hands in the tin basket where Sean had placed the fish and, although it was quite slimy, she managed to grab it and quickly threw it back into the water. Sean stared at her, speechless.

  “Do you think it made it? Do you think it was too late?” she asked, as worried as if she were talking of a person, and when she noticed the shocked expression on his face she knew he was probably thinking she wasn’t all there. It was as if it were written on his brow with capital letters; it wasn’t hard to figure out what he was thinking about her.

  Sean’s lips twitched as he kept staring at her wide-eyed and with raised eyebrows. It was clear he was trying to keep control so she wouldn’t be upset, but she could see he wouldn’t be able to last long. A moment later he bit his bottom lip and exploded into uncontrollable laughter.

  Alyssa looked at him, feeling ashamed at first but then she realized how silly it had all been and she couldn’t help hanging her head and smiling, knowing he would probably make fun of her for the rest of the day.

  “Are you for real, girl?” he asked, when he finally managed to pull himself together. “We’ve been sitting here for hours and when you catch a fish at last, you throw it back in because you’re sorry for it? This is funny. Honestly, I haven’t laughed so much in weeks.”

  “I can’t kill a living creature: so what? What’s so funny about it? How would you like to have a hook stuck in your tongue? Would you be laughing then?”

  “I’m sorry if I offended you,” he said, taking a bow and turning serious, although he still had a smirk on his face. “But I thought you’d said you wanted to go fishing, and I’d assumed you knew that fishing meant that the fish would actually die in the end.”

  “Ha ha, well, yes, I knew it, thank you very much. But it was simply something I wanted to try; I didn’t think I would actually catch something, and I didn’t think it would feel so awful.”

  She shrugged, knowing there was nothing she could do about it. She looked up from her shoes and saw he was frowning, but at the same time his eyes twinkled with amusement; she wondered what was going through his mind.

  “I can’t seem to be able to figure you out, City Girl,” he said, with a smirk. “Every time I think I do, you do something that leaves me speechless. It’s gonna be very boring here once you’re gone.”

  His words hit her like a punch in the gut, and she felt the air leave her lungs. If he only knew how boring her life would be, far away from all this and from him.

  “Yeah, well, I can’t figure myself out either, so I guess you shouldn’t worry too much about it,” she said, trying to lighten the mood.

  Sean opened his mouth to say something when a thunderbolt flashed in the sky, followed by the distant rumble of thunder. They both looked up and Sean frowned.

  “We have to go now; we won’t make it home before it starts raining anyway, but it shouldn’t be too bad if we hurry up. And I don’t care if you have �
�getting struck by lightning’ on your to-do list, it ain’t gonna happen!”

  He winked and Alyssa laughed, forgetting that sour feeling at the pit of her stomach that had arisen when he had mentioned that she’d be leaving soon. She would miss it all, no doubt, but most of all she was sure she would miss Sean and all that he meant to her. She had never opened up so much with someone the way she had opened up with him, and she understood now why her grandmother had told her that the man she intended to spend her life with should not only be her lover, but her best friend, too. “Love fades, slowly but it does,” she used to tell her. “But what will keep a marriage strong is that special bond between a husband and a wife, the ability to speak about anything and laugh about everything. This will keep you going strong, even when life gets tough.”

  She knew that she would never feel like this with anyone else in the world. Talking came so easily when she was with him, and she was surely going to miss that. She wondered whether it’d be too much asking him to keep in touch even after she’d be gone. With nobody else in New York had she ever been able to talk so freely about her dreams, her fears, her aspirations. This vacation hadn’t only been a way to get away for a while and unwind; it had also helped her to find herself and realize who she really was and who she wanted to be. This vacation had brought out the real Alyssa.

  ***

  Sean picked up all of their stuff and when a minute later the first rain began to fall, he understood he was going to end up soaking wet.

  “We really have to go, now.”

  He spun and froze when he saw Alyssa: her head was tilted back, as if she were staring at the sky, but her eyes were closed and her arms were stretched out with the palms of her hands facing up. He couldn’t help but wonder what on earth she was doing; he feared this was another thing on her list.

  “What are you doing now?” he asked, trying to be serious but feeling the corner of his lips curl up.

  “Have you ever wanted to stand in the rain until you got totally soaked?” she asked without moving or opening her eyes.

  The rain started to fall harder and Sean was still wondering whether she had completely lost her mind or if she were serious. She looked beautiful, though, and he couldn’t bring himself to simply drag her away and back to the ranch, although it meant he would end up getting soaked to the bone.

  “I’ve always wanted to know what it’d feel like. I’ve always wanted to dance in the rain, like in that old movie with Gene Kelly. I watched it with my grandmother when I was twelve and I’ve never been able to do it in New York.” She opened her eyes and looked at him. He couldn’t tell whether there were tears on her cheeks or if it were only the rain.

  She waited for him to say something, but he was speechless. All he could think of was how much he wanted to kiss her.

  “Do you know what movie I’m talking about? Singing in the Rain?”

  He raised his eyebrows, unable to say a word, still trying to figure her out. Right then she started to dance and sing as if she were in a musical; his jaw dropped open.

  She stopped to look at him, a big smile on her face, but he didn’t know what to think and stood there speechless, holding the fishing rods and the basket with the remnants of their lunch.

  “Aw, come on! I can’t believe you’ve never heard of it. This song is so famous!”

  “I don’t really watch much TV and I surely don’t watch chick flicks, or musicals or whatever.” He shrugged and her face fell. But the disappointment only lasted a second before she tilted her head back and closed her eyes again.

  “Honestly, I’m not sure I understand what’s in your head, but we really have to go now. It’s a long walk home and the storm’s going to last for a while, so the sooner we get going, the better.”

  “Go ahead, I’ll catch up. I want to enjoy the feeling a little while longer.”

  “You want to get soaking wet while dancing like you’re in a Broadway musical? Are you sure you didn’t hit your head or something?”

  She laughed, and he was sure her laughter had never sounded so bright and genuine. She was the picture of contentment and freedom, and although he wanted to urge her to get away and follow him, he couldn’t stop looking at her and thinking how beautiful she was at that very moment, even if she looked totally insane.

  Right then a crazy idea crossed his mind: his family’s cabin was just a few minutes away. It would be much faster to get there rather than running all the way back to the ranch, and he was sure she’d love to add another new experience to her list. Maybe this would be enough to make her stop dancing in the rain.

  “Listen, I’m sorry to spoil your precious moment of freedom and communion with Mother Nature, but I don’t want to get soaked to the bone just because you’ve suddenly gone mad.” She opened her eyes and glared at him. He spoke quickly, before she could say anything. “There’s a log cabin not far from here; we can be there in a few minutes if we run. We can light a fire and wait until it stops raining. This way, I won’t risk dying of pneumonia.”

  Her face lit up, just like he had expected, and she stopped acting like a lunatic, following him eagerly without arguing. After a minute the rain started to fall harder, and they had to run through curtains of water. By the time they reached the cabin they were soaked, but she didn’t seem to mind. She hadn’t stopped laughing and she seemed so truly happy that he himself couldn’t help smiling.

  He took the key hidden in a flowerpot, opened the door and stepped inside while she was still standing in the rain.

  “Is this legal?” she asked with raised eyebrows. He stared back at her, not sure he understood her question. When the meaning hit him, he nodded.

  “Don’t worry, it’s ours; it belonged to my great-grandfather. Come in, now, quick!”

  Alyssa stepped inside and as Sean closed the door behind her she stood still, taking it all in.

  “So, welcome to my secret hideaway,” he said, moving toward the fireplace and placing a few logs inside, taking out a match from the box on the mantelpiece. “Well, it’s not so secret, but nobody comes here much anymore, so I use it when I want to get away for a while and relax. I used to come here a lot when I was tired of having Nick around before he went to college. I really needed some silence and quiet on my own and this was the best place.”

  “It’s lovely,” she whispered, her eyes scanning the room as if she’d just stepped into a castle. “I wish I had a place like this to escape to. You’re very lucky to have it all.”

  He laughed and lit a match, placing it expertly under the logs. The paper immediately caught fire, and a couple of minutes later sparkling orange flames were warming up the room. He stood up and turned to look at her, noticing how beautiful she was even with messy hair and her clothes sticking to her body.

  “You need dry clothes. Let me see if I can find something so you can get changed. I usually keep some spare clothes in the closet.”

  He needed to get away from her; the room was too small and the atmosphere was way too intimate. He surely didn’t want to do something stupid, something he might regret and that might put him and his business in trouble.

  He didn’t even wait for her to say anything, he just stepped out of the room and as soon as he was out of sight, he stopped and leant against the wall, taking a long, deep breath before he opened the closet door.

  He walked back into the small room a minute later holding an old tracksuit. Alyssa turned back toward him, and the room seemed to have shrunk while he’d been away. He didn’t trust himself to be alone with her too long; not when she looked so beautiful and so damn tempting.

  He took the two steps that separated them, and handed her his clothes.

  “Here, try this. It might be a bit baggy for you, but it should do until your clothes get dry. There’s a sort of small bathroom around the corner; you can change there.”

  Alyssa thanked him and took the clothes, stepping past him, the sweet smell of her mixed with rain tingling his nose and heightening his other senses.
>
  When she walked away Sean stood by the fireplace, staring at the flames, lost in thought; it was the first time a stranger had ever been in the cabin. After he had stopped going there to play with his brothers, it had become his very own place, and nobody had walked in ever since.

  The place he had always loved so much almost felt claustrophobic now, and he hoped it would stop raining soon because he wasn’t sure he’d be able to control himself.

  He shivered and realized his sweatshirt was soaking wet, so he took it off and hung it on the back of a chair he had moved close to the fire. Then he drew the curtain of the only window in the room to let a little more light in, and removed the blanket from the couch, shaking it out of habit, although it wasn’t dusty. He’d gone there a few days after Alyssa had arrived, and then again after the fight, when he’d needed to clear his mind about what had happened. He had even slept there on the couch, so everything was still quite clean, but he shook it anyway, just to keep himself and mostly his mind busy.

  What had he been thinking, bringing her here? They should have run home; they had gotten soaked anyway, and this situation was too dangerous now.

  Chapter Twenty-four

  Alyssa was glad there was another room where she could get changed; from the outside the cabin had looked really small. Getting out of her clothes with him standing only a few feet away would have been not hot at all.

  She was glad he had left the room to look for clothes a few minutes before; the atmosphere had suddenly become too cozy and she had felt the walls closing in on her while her legs had turned to jelly. She wasn’t sure she would’ve been able to control her actions if he’d stayed a moment longer.

  While Sean had been in the other room she’d looked around, focusing on trivial things that would help slow down her wild heartbeat. She couldn’t help loving the place. It was really small and there was barely room to move around, but it looked lovely. What could be considered the kitchen included a small old-fashioned stove, the kind she’d only seen in Western movies, a pine table with four wooden chairs, and a couple of cabinets. A couch was positioned in front of the fireplace—at least, she guessed it was a couch, since a plaid blanket had covered it, and she could only make out its shape. The fireplace was made of red bricks and there were a couple of picture frames on the mantelpiece.