by K Leigh
She flips her hand over, caressing my face with her palm. My tears stream around her hand, but I don’t bother to brush them away.
“Hey, don’t cry.” Her pleading tone strengthens my resolve. “They said my memory may come back.”
“I know.” As I kiss her hand, I catch some of the salt from my tears.
When our eyes meet, her mouth forms in a soft “O”.
She feels it too, the clinking of the missing piece falling into place as we stare into each other’s eyes.
As she traces her mouth with her tongue, I wonder if she can feel the ghost of my kiss. Leaning over the bed rails, I stop before my lips meet hers. I’d never kiss her without permission. She barely nods, but I see it, and our mouths flutter together with caution.
The familiarity of her mouth mixed with the difference in her smell overwhelms me. Same and different; Natalie and not Natalie. Our tears mingle between our lips, as if even our lips are mourning this tragedy. I break our kiss after a moment. Natalie shudders, wincing again at the pain.
“I’ll come back to check on you.” I gather my phone and wallet from the side table. “I love you.” Closing the door behind me, I don’t look back.
The Winegars meet me in the hallway. Teddy watches me with narrowed eyes. We haven’t talked much, but I know he’s the one that picked Natalie up the night she left. Meaning, he probably knows everything going on between us, and I’m sure he isn’t a big fan of mine.
Ned and Mellie, however, seem to have no issue with me. They’re probably just grateful someone jumped in after their daughter, but I’ll take what I can get.
“How is she?” Mellie clutches her purse to her chest. Her eyes are dark and puffy underneath, her lips pressed into a thin line when she isn’t talking.
“Sore. They may need to give her more pain medication.” Remembering her face as she tried to hide her wincing stokes the angry fire looming within me.
Mellie inhales deeply. “The toxicology report came back. She had ecstasy in her system. I’ve never known her to drink, much less do drugs.” Her chin quivers, and Ned wraps an arm around her.
What the hell had Eric been thinking? Had he drugged her before she kissed him too? I hadn’t considered the possibility before, but now that I have, the urge to confront him is stronger than ever.
Flames dance before my eyes and I push past the Winegars. “I’ll be back.”
“Where are you going?” Ned calls after me.
“I have something I need to take care of.”
One of the fringe benefits of being part owner of the camp is my access to information. A quick call to the board secretary gives me Eric’s home address and phone number. My mother had attempted calling me numerous times since I’d left the hospital, but I kept sending her to voicemail. I couldn’t deal with her requests for me to leave Natalie alone, to come home and save face. I couldn’t care less about the press or what they thought about me being involved in another accident.
Besides, this was completely different. I hadn’t caused this accident, Eric had.
I don’t know what I expected Eric’s living arrangement to be, but it isn’t what I pull into. A rundown apartment complex, shutters hanging off the windows, and doors bearing footprints from being kicked in.
Checking the address I’d written down, I see that it’s accurate. I lock my car—twice—and walk down the sidewalk, following the signs for apartment number twenty-eight D.
There’s a half-dead plant perched on a wicker table by an ashtray and two rickety lawn chairs on their small patio. Supposedly, Eric lives with his mama.
After banging on the door, I listen closely for signs of movement within the house. A voice answers, “I’m coming, I’m coming.”
When Eric appears in the doorway, he takes one look at me and tries to slam it shut again. I jar it with my foot, stepping inside before he succeeds, and find myself nose-to-nose with a man that could probably kick my ass. But I won’t go down without a fight.
“What the fuck, Eric?” I grab two fistfuls of his shirt. “Why’d you do it?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He stumbles backward, attempting to focus on me with bloodshot eyes. The scent of alcohol nearly chokes me as he talks. “I didn’t do anything.”
“Did you drug her before you kissed her?” I hiss through my teeth, aching to wipe the sly smile off his face.
“Oh, no.” He laughs. The chuckle that makes all the girls swoon is now a grisly wheeze. “She was sober and more than willing. She came onto me.”
The thought of Natalie throwing herself into his arms when she felt betrayed by me is a kick in the face. But a drunk will normally be honest, so I figure he’s probably telling the truth.
“Why?” Letting go of his shirt, I look around the drab apartment. Cigarette burns in the carpet, walls stained yellow from smoke, and a musty smell that makes my nose itch. I bet Eric didn’t bring his conquests back here. The couch and television looked new, though. I sat on the edge of a cushion, watching Eric as he paces back and forth.
“Eric, who is it?” A guttural moan emerges from the hallway. “Is it the oxygen man?”
“No, Mama,” Eric calls back. “It’s a friend. I’ll bring your medicine in a minute.”
“I didn’t know you even did drugs,” I scoff.
“I don’t.” Eric’s confession has my mind reeling.
“Why’d you have them, then?” My curiosity piqued, I find myself almost pitying the man before me. I could have easily been born into his situation and who’s to say what kind of person that would have made me. Just look at all the bad I’ve done born into political royalty.
“Someone gave them to me,” he ventures, speaking carefully. His eyes shift around the room as he talks.
“So you just decided to share?”
“No, Matt.” Eric runs his fingers through his hair, sighing in defeat. “Your family paid me to give them to her.”
My blood boils as his confession sinks in. “What?”
“It’s true. They were going to crack down on the counselor party and drug test everyone. Natalie asked me for a beer from the cooler and I slipped it in the can.”
A mixture of relief and absolute anger fight over control of my mind. Relief that she didn’t mean to take the drugs and that he didn’t date rape her. Fury that my family tried to attack her, to use her as a weapon against me.
“Dude, I’ll give you the money back. I never wanted her to get hurt.” Eric reaches under the TV for a bulging envelope. “I’ve spent some of it on furniture and my mom’s meds, but I’ll make payments.”
“No, keep the money.” I shake my head. “I don’t give a shit about the money. But if I ever find out you’ve done something like this again, I’ll fucking kill you.”
As soon as I sit down in my car, I call my mom back.
“Prescott, I’m so relieved. How are you? How’s Natalie?”
“Don’t you ever fucking say her name, Mother.” I’ve never spoken so freely with my parents, but they’ve done more than overstep a boundary. They’ve declared war. “How could you?”
“How could I do what, son?” Her voice shakes over the line, and after a moment, my father takes the phone.
“Let’s be reasonable, Prescott.” His bullshit negotiation voice is on and in full force. “I’ll just go in here, dear. Lie down for a moment.” I hear a door clicking shut and he lowers his voice in a menacing tone. “Your mother had nothing to do with your little whore’s accident, so don’t ever speak to her that way. Now, you are no longer allowed near the girl. Or her family. If you try to go back to the hospital, something far worse will happen to her.”
He wouldn’t…would he? “Dad, you can’t be serious.”
“I didn’t do this. You did. Now, straighten up your act and come home and marry Antoinette. Or far worse will happen to your precious country bumpkin.”
My phone slips from my hand but I let it hit the floorboard, bracing my hands on the steering wheel.
The misery I feel is nothing compared to what Natalie and her family will deal with if I disobey my parents.
Rebelling and risking my own safety is one thing; I have no qualms about that. But I can’t let anything else happen to her, or to someone she loves.
I turn onto the road, heading toward the highway. My phone vibrates at my feet and I grab it. Seeing Kate’s name on the screen is a punch to the gut, but I ignore it, throwing the phone out the window as I take the off-ramp toward D.C., leaving my heart behind.
31
Natalie
Present
Now that I know for certain it’s him, I’m horrified that I didn’t realize it the first time he visited the farm. I couldn’t remember his face for all these years, but I knew the gist of our story. I’ve had flashes of that summer occasionally, burning paper and a can of whipped cream. Anytime I ate a funnel cake, a wave of nostalgia would hit me.
I’ve dreamt about what he might look like a million times, but he’s more beautiful than any figment of my imagination. I wonder if he thinks I’ve aged or if he still finds me beautiful. Did he ever find me beautiful?
I almost walked away. I almost let him tell Lia the story and pretend like I hadn’t overheard. But an exhilaration like I’ve never felt rose in my throat and the words fell from my lips involuntarily.
“May I have this dance?” Matt asks, offering me his hand. As we rise from the table, he lets me lead him to the dance floor. His hands take my waist without hesitancy, and I rest my palms on his biceps. We move to the instrumental music in sync, never stepping on each other’s toes or faltering from the beat.
“I didn’t know my parents paid your family off,” Matt murmurs in my ear as we float across the barn. “I mean, they threatened to hurt you if I didn’t come home and said the police would come if I visited you, but I didn’t…”
“They didn’t pay us off because we asked,” I reply in an undertone. “They told my parents they could take the money and sign a nondisclosure agreement, or they’d release my records to the public. With the drugs in my system, it would have ruined me. I could’ve done time, lost my scholarships and everything.”
Matt’s head drops, shaking with disdain. “My mom had no idea. What do you mean they?”
“You don’t know?” I ask incredulously.
He locks eyes with me. “Know what?”
“Antoinette. She was in on it with your dad.” Rolling my eyes, I continue. “She wouldn’t let you go without a fight.”
“Is it weird to talk about all this and not have any memory of it?” He changes the subject.
“In a way. It’s like I’m reading a book in second person or watching a show that breaks the fourth wall.” I shrug. “Most of the time, I don’t think about it. And they don’t know why I don’t remember. The blood clots are gone. There’s still scar tissue in my brain, but most of the time people don’t have lasting memory loss like this. Is it weird to be around me again?”
“No, it feels like I never left.” Matt chuckles. “The only thing that got me was seeing you on the loft. I thought I was gonna pass out that afternoon.”
“I started to get suspicious then,” I reply. “That’s why I invited you to come to the wedding.”
“Sneaky.” The music ends, the next song a faster tempo.
She stops moving, covering my hand with hers. “Will you walk with me? I need to show you something.”
Past
“Vi, she’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” Staring into the bassinet, my heart grows three sizes. “I can’t believe my brother helped make her.”
Violet laughs, buttoning up her nursing gown. “Hey, you Winegars aren’t all bad.” She eases herself off the bed, taking care with her stomach.
“I wish I could help you more.” I glance at my casts in disgust, spread out on the footrests of my wheelchair. “This is ridiculous. I’m never cliff jumping again.”
“And it was once your favorite.” Violet’s sad smile doesn’t reach me. A lot of emotions don’t anymore. At first, I had no memories of my summer at camp. The last thing I remembered was riding home with my daddy from the gas station after I dumped Connor. I’ve started to regain flashes of things, tiny little moments that I can’t seem to put together to make a full picture. Kate talked about a lot of things at first, but it just frustrated me. Eventually, she sensed that and stopped.
“Want to hold her?” Violet slips one hand under Lia, the other on top of her, and brings her to her chest as if she’s been doing this forever.
“What about my arm?” I snarl at my right arm, still useless. I can’t even take a picture of my new niece.
“I’ve got food for my two favorite ladies.” Teddy bursts through the door with an armful of fast food bags, flooding the room with the aroma of burgers and French fries.
“Oh my god, I’ve never loved you more.” Violet groans, closing her eyes and inhaling with a smile. “Your daughter will thank you in a few hours with a big, dirty diaper.”
“I can hardly wait.” Teddy sets the food on the table and drops a kiss to his daughter’s forehead. “You eat, I’ll hold the princess.”
“Your sister wants to hold her,” Violet says pointedly. “You can help her do that.”
Teddy holds out his arms, taking Lia from his wife. “Deal. You devour greasy goodness. I got this.”
My brother’s face lights up with adoration as he watches his daughter squirm in his arms. He sits down in the stiff-back hospital chair that he slept in last night. “All right. How can we do this?” He eyes my casts with caution. Not that I blame him; I’d never want to risk Lia’s safety.
“My left arm’s good. I’ll hold her with it, and you can play spotter.”
After some careful maneuvering, I’m finally holding Amelia Rose Winegar. Looking down at her large dark eyes, covered by breathtaking eyelashes, I can’t believe how perfect she is. She wiggles in her swaddle, but I don’t worry because Teddy’s hand is underneath my arm to steady us.
Her eyelids slowly lower until they close all the way, a milk bubble forming between her lips as she drifts off to sleep.
My heart fills with a love like I’ve never known as I gently rock her in my arm.
“I already love her so much. I can’t imagine what it’ll be like to hold my baby,” I say, holding Lia’s small, pink fingers in mine.
“I know.” Teddy smiles over at me. His face contorted. “Wait.”
Violet is frozen, French fry halfway to her mouth. “You don’t mean…”
I can’t stop the smile from spreading across my face. “Yes, I do mean.”
“What about the accident?” Violet’s eyes are cautious.
“Honestly, it’s touch and go,” I reply. “But I’m going to love the baby for as long as I have her.”
“Her!” Teddy chuckles. “I’m gonna have a niece!” Violet finally eats her French fry, no longer containing her own smile.
“Or him.” I shrug. “It’s too early to tell. I just have a feeling.”
32
Natalie
Present
I let Matt lead me out of the barn and into the night. Our hands drop between us and I feel him losing his grip, but I don’t let go.
“So your dad never talked about the payoff?” I watch the wind rippling across the pond as we walk toward the house.
“No, we never talked about you again.” Matt’s bitter tone slices through me. He’s had so much loss and pain in his life, and here I am about to share more with him. But he deserves to know.
He follows me up the steps to my room, and I shut the door behind us.
Flipping the light switch on, I motion toward the armchair. “Have a seat.”
“I’d make a joke about you seducing me, but I’m not sure if you find me funny now,” Matt replies, tucking his hands in his pockets.
To both of our surprise, a soft laugh escapes from my lips. “I do find you funny now. But, this is a more serious matter.” I drop to my knees at the firepla
ce, feeling behind the fake wood for the box that I only pull out once a year. “This doesn’t work anymore. I closed it off years ago.”
Matt takes a seat beside me, his hands trembling as he reaches for the box. “Did you paint this?”
“No, my mom did.”
The box creaks as Matt opens it, and his sharp intake of breath tells me he knows what this is. He pulls out the ultrasound photo first.
“This was the day Lia was born. I had just found out I was pregnant.” I point to the caption that the ultrasound tech had added, “Hi, Mommy”.
Matt stares at the photo harder than I’ve ever seen anyone look at anything, as if he’s taking in every moment. He doesn’t even blink. His fingers trace the tiny face. “Perfection.”
“She was.”
He hands me the sonogram, pulling out the photo of our baby next. She was born with his blond curls. I didn’t remember then, but Kate had pointed it out. In the photo, I’m smiling down at her, her eyes closed as if she’s sleeping, but her heart had stopped before I even gave birth to her.
“Oh, Natalie.” Matt’s anguished sob rips my heart out, but I hold in my own tears. I’ve mourned our daughter for years; he deserves one night.
“I’m so sorry you were alone through this. I can’t believe I let my family keep me away.”
“You did it to protect me. I respect that. But that’s what the money was for. I found out I was pregnant in the hospital. It was so early, they weren’t sure the baby could’ve survived everything. Then the accident wasn’t even what took her from us, she just wasn’t meant to be mine.”
“What did you name her?” Matt collects himself.
“Journey.” I cover his hand and the picture with mine. “And it’s been a beautiful, tragic one.”
Epilogue