Living for Today

by Kennedy, Brenda

  Drew doesn’t move to remove it. “You didn’t know about my injury?”

  If someone had mentioned it, I would have remembered. “No. It’s never been mentioned.”

  Drew looks at Xander, who says, “It’s not my story to tell.”

  I respect Xander for not talking about his brother’s personal life. “What happened? A car accident?” I ask.

  “Kind of. My Humvee got hit by two improvised explosive devices in Iraq.”

  He’s military? That’s another surprise. “Oh, my God, Drew. I’m sorry. I had no idea. I’m truly sorry.”

  “It’s all right. Everyone else in the vehicle died; I was the sole survivor.”

  Skylar shuts the television off and holds Drew’s hand. Xander also holds my hand.

  “I was the lucky one.”

  I wanna cry for Drew and the soldiers who lost their lives fighting for this wonderful country we live in. In this world, soldiers don’t come back to life, unlike the movie we’re watching. I wish I had a heads-up on this news about Drew. I want to say something worth hearing. I had no idea that Drew had a missing limb. He walks perfectly fine. There was nothing to make me think that something was ever wrong.

  “I’m sorry you had to go through such a traumatic event, Drew. I’m sure it wasn’t easy losing your… friends.”

  “That’s right, Ava. They were so much more than my comrades, they were my dear friends. Losing my leg was a very small price to pay.” Skylar rubs Drew’s arm. “I went into the military with a 20-year plan; I was going to retire and then fly an aircraft professionally.”

  “Things change, huh, brother?” Xander asks.

  “Yeah, they sure do. Not always for the better either.”

  Xander becomes sad. “Could’ve been worse. It could’ve been your funeral I attended after the Humvee explosion.”

  Xander

  We don’t finish the movie, and Drew doesn’t remove his prosthetic leg either. We talk about Drew’s short military career, and how he suffered from depression, PTSD, and survivor’s guilt.

  Ava opens up about her amnesia, her deceased husband, and about her haunting nightmares that have proven to be memories. Drew is very sympathetic and says, “Sadly, I don’t think amnesia would be such a bad thing in my case, or even in your case.”

  “I know. I often remind myself of that. I wish I remembered the good things about my life. The years prior to meeting Connor; the years I had with Skylar and Chase.”

  “I get that,” Drew says. “That would totally suck to forget the good things in your life. I wouldn’t for anything in this world want to give up my memories of the guys who lost their lives.”

  We say our goodnights and just before bed, I talk Ava into taking a bath with me. I have something I need to talk to her about, and I’m not sure how or when to say it. Maybe a bubble bath, and some wine, will help.

  Once we are in the tub full of bubbles and I begin to relax, I say, “I have some pretty important news to tell you.” I can see fear in her eyes. I don’t like seeing her frightened, so I decide to just tell her. “I’ve decided to fight the cancer.” When she doesn’t say anything, I continue. “I met with my oncologist today, and he wants to fight the cancer aggressively with stronger chemo and radiation before operating.”

  “Oh, Xander.” She scoots closer to me, straddles my lap before kissing me. Water slops over the edge of the tub, but I don’t care. When the kisses stop, she asks, “What changed your mind?”

  “I’ve recently realized that I have a lot to live for.”

  She smiles slightly. “You’re talking about me?”

  “I am.”

  She feathers kisses all over my face. “This makes me extremely happy.” The side effects of the aggressive chemo and radiation and the complications of the surgery are still a concern for me.

  “When will this begin?”

  “Dad’s flying in to get me tomorrow.”

  “That soon?”

  “I want to do this while I’m still healthy enough to fight it.”

  “They need to shrink the tumor before they can operate on it,” she says, not really talking to me but more like thinking out loud. “You’ll be staying at home and going to the hospital everyday for your treatments?” she asks. She watches me and I can almost see the wheels churning inside of her head.

  “I’m not sure if I’ll be home or staying at the hospital. I didn’t ask that. I do know I’ll be pretty sick from the aggressive treatments. Then when I finally have the brain surgery, I’ll have an intense recovery time… assuming it goes as planned.”

  She looks sad. “Don’t talk like that.” Before I can say anything, she says, “I want to go home with you and help you through this. I want to be with you.” I wasn’t expecting that. Having Ava come and stay with me when I’m at my weakest, I’m not so sure I like this idea. “Drew’s staying here with Skylar, isn’t he?”

  “I think so.”

  “I saw him bring in a duffle bag today.” She looks at me with hopeful eyes. “Maybe he wouldn’t mind helping her here with the inn, while I go and stay with you?”

  “Ava, I’ll be pretty sick. You might want to think this over.”

  “I have thought this over.” She thinks for a minute without looking at me. “If he says no, I’ll ask Mom to come up and stay. She’ll be more than happy to help out.”

  She has it all worked out. “Okay, let’s dry off and we’ll ask Drew. If he declines your lovely offer about being a co-innkeeper, we’ll call and ask your mom.” Ava’s already getting out of the tub and drying off before I finish my sentence.

  I get out, dry off, and follow her out of the bedroom wearing a pair of basketball shorts. Ava’s wearing a short cotton robe. She taps on Skylar’s bedroom door. “Can we come in?” she asks, opening the unlocked door. She’s braver than I am. Knowing my brother, he’s lying butt naked on top of the covers. I stay and wait for an invite before walking in.

  “What’s up?” Skylar asks.

  I walk into the bedroom to find Skylar and Drew already in bed. They both have books sitting on their laps and each of their bedside lights are on. Ava looks at Drew’s prosthetic leg propped up against the wall before she looks at him. “Are you going home tomorrow with Xander and your dad?”

  “Xander’s leaving tomorrow?” Skylar asks.

  “I’ve decided to go forward with the surgery.”

  Her eyes light up with approval. “Good for you. I think you’ve made the right decision.”

  I look at Ava. “Yeah, me, too.”

  Drew sits up straighter in bed and says, “No, I wasn’t planning on it.” Skylar looks over at Drew but she remains quiet. He says, “I’ll be there for the surgery, but I don’t see any need to be there for the treatments leading up to it.”

  “I would like to be there for that.” Everyone looks at Ava. “I know it’s a lot to ask, but would you mind helping Skylar run the inn during my absence? If it too much, I can ask Mom…”

  Drew interrupts. “No, Ava. That’s not necessary. You don’t need to call and ask your mom to help out. I was planning on staying here with Skylar for as long as she’ll have me. It only makes sense that I help out when needed.” Where is Drew and what has Skylar done with him? “As long as she doesn’t mind showing me what I need to know.”

  Ava turns around and smiles at me before turning around to face Drew. “Thank you. I promise I’ll take good care of your brother.”

  Drew laughs. “And I can’t make any promises that I won’t burn down your kitchen.”

  The next day, things move along more quickly than I expected. Dad came to get us at noon, and the doctor arranged for my aggressive treatment to start as soon as possible. Ava quickly changed from my girlfriend to Nurse Emerson. It’s nice knowing she’s taking such an interest in my care and treatment. I wanted to show her around the house and the city where I was born and raised, but she’s more interested in seeing where the hospital is, where my pharmacy is located, and what street my doctor’
s office is on. She adds all of the important phone numbers into her cell phone.

  Since dating will soon prove to be non-existent, I insist on taking Ava out to dinner at a restaurant called Port O’ Call in Kill Devil Hills. It’s one of my favorite places to eat and I think Ava will like it. I know that once I start the chemo and radiation, I won’t be up to doing much of anything. I also know that these next few days might be the last good days I have with her. I know I’ll die without the surgery, and I may die with it. I also know I’ll become very sick with the treatment and this quite possibly might be the last real date I’ll ever have with her.

  We have an intimate dinner for two in a private room I reserved earlier in the day. The room is normally hard to get, but it helps to know the owners of the restaurant. After dinner, I also arranged for a horse and carriage ride so we can look at Christmas lights in the downtown area. We’re served hot chocolate with marshmallows and given fleece throws at the start of the ride. The downtown is beautifully lit with colored and white Christmas lights. Christmas music plays and it reminds me of my childhood. Once that is done, we take a walk on the beach behind my parents’ house. I asked Dad earlier if he would stack a pile of firewood for me on the beach with some matches, kindling, and a couple of blankets. I didn’t want to leave Ava and take the chance that she would come looking for me. I wasn’t ready to reveal my plans with her just yet. Dad does everything I ask plus he provided a small basket with champagne, cheese, crackers, and fresh fruit. We make love in the sand, stay warm by the fire, talk until morning, and then watch the sunrise. She smells of cranberry and vanilla and I never want to forget her unique scent, or this night.

  When the last of the firewood burns out, we walk up the steps past the small beach house. Nichole’s inside having coffee. She smiles and waves as we walk past and up to the main house. Mom is making breakfast, while Dad sits at the breakfast bar reading the newspaper.

  “Good morning,” I say.

  Ava looks embarrassed as if Mom and Dad know what we did on the beach last night and earlier this morning.

  “Breakfast will be ready in about thirty minutes if you two want to freshen up,” Mom says with her back to us. Dad is still reading the paper, not paying any attention to anything going on in the room.

  “Okay, we’ll be down in a few minutes.”

  As soon as we’re upstairs, Ava whispers, “I think she knows we just had sex.”

  I want to laugh. Mom had her back to us, why would Ava think she knows something? “She does not. And if she did, I’m pretty sure she doesn’t care.” I laugh, but Ava doesn’t find any humor in any of it. I’m a grown man who just stayed the night on the beach with a beautiful woman. Now that I think of it, I’m sure Mom knows something was going on. Dad, too.

  “It’s embarrassing.”

  I take her by the hand and lead her into my bedroom. “Come on, let’s shower. I’m starving.”

  She quickly releases my hold on her. Still whispering she says, “I can’t shower with you. Where’s the guest bathroom? I’ll shower in there.”

  Grinning, I say, “Have it your way. Meet me downstairs when you’re done.”

  “I’ll hurry,” she says.

  We both get done about the same time. Ava wears and needs very little makeup and her hair is braided in a wet braid down her back. She’s wearing a hoodie and a pair of black yoga pants when she walks into my bedroom.

  “Are you ready?” she asks.

  “I am.” I turn off the light and Ava holds my hand as we walk down the large staircase. I hold onto the railing and hold her hand with my free hand. We have breakfast and Nichole joins us. It’s good seeing her and she looks better than the last time I saw her. She tells us that Chase is doing an excellent job as her attorney and that so far, Brett hasn’t been in touch with her.

  “What will you do once your divorce is final?” Ava asks. “Your possibilities are endless.”

  “It’s funny you should ask that.” Nichole wraps her hands around her hot coffee mug. “I was actually thinking of moving to Savannah. I always wanted to open a bakery and I found a building for sale that has an upstairs apartment. The downstairs was used as a bakery until they recently closed.”

  I say, “Why they closed would be my concern.” Although I don’t want to add unsolicited advice, I feel this needs to be addressed.

  “I googled it and it said there was a death in the family and the owners moved back home to Wisconsin or someplace.”

  “Wasn’t from a lack a business. That’s good.” If the bakery failed from lack of business, another bakery in the same location would more than likely also fail. No sense in repeating their mistake.

  “Skylar and I love the area. I think having a local bakery there would be a great investment. Will you be making scones, macaroons, and no-bake oatmeal cookies?”

  Nichole smiles. “For you, Ava, I’ll make whatever you want.”

  “Good. I’ll need lots and lots of no-bakes.”

  I put it to memory that Ava likes no-bake oatmeal cookies. They are one of the healthier cookies. The conversation flows easily, and Mom and Dad seem to like Nichole and enjoy her company. I personally think it’ll be a good idea to have her living closely to Ava. If something happens to me, I want to know that Ava has family or friends nearby. Even if Nichole is Ava’s ex-mother-in-law. I want to know that Ava will be taken care of and surrounded by people who love her. It makes me sad thinking that I may not be around much longer, but it gives me all the more reason to fight like hell to beat this battle with cancer.

  Ava

  When Xander’s oncologists said they wanted to treat his tumor aggressively, they weren’t kidding. The chemo and the radiation are making him nauseated and fatigued. During the first few days, he would eat and sit up with his family to watch a movie, but now, after five days, he doesn’t get out of bed. His external radiation is done; however, he is still taking the internal radiation and strong amounts of chemo.

  I stay in bed with him and sometimes we talk, but most of the time he sleeps. When he sleeps, I eat, then I return to his bed with him. I wanted him to fight this, and I’ll be right here with him. I’m trying to be strong for him, but the day I removed a clump of his beautiful dark, curly hair from his pillow, I cried.

  I thought this is what I wanted. I never dreamed it could be this bad. Just last week we made love on the beach, but now, he can barely get out of bed. I have never seen someone deteriorate so quickly. I thought I read and researched everything there was on his tumor, the treatment, and the prognosis. Did I miss something? Did I not research something?

  His mom and dad sit in his room with him everyday. They talk to him about his childhood and about his family. They tell him how much they love him and how proud they are of him. I listen and stay cuddled into Xander. I listen to his heartbeat and memorize his breathing pattern. His mother updates Xander about his book sales and personal e-mails from his readers, and she relays messages from his friend and business manager, Wesley. I’m not sure Xander can hear her, but she continues to talk to him as if he can. I remember Mom telling me that she would read to me when I was in a coma. I can remember that I wanted to talk back to her, but I couldn’t. When I woke up from my coma, I was so grateful she never gave up hope that I would come back to her.

  Drew comes home today and stays in the room with Xander. He tells me that Mom is there helping Skylar. I suspect that Rachael called him to come home. Xander’s lost most of his hair, he’s weak, and he looks thin and sickly. He looks nothing like the strong, handsome man who walked into my bed and breakfast just a few months ago. Drew cries and it pulls my heartstrings. He tells Xander to fight, to not give up. He tells Xander he’s nothing without him. I cry, Rachael cries, Daniel and Drew also cry. Seeing Xander like this is almost too much to bear.

  In the middle of the night, I wake up to Xander twirling my hair with his finger. I cuddle into him and let him hold me.

  “Hi,” he rasps.

  “I’ve been worr
ied about you,” I say honestly.

  “I know. I can hear you cry.”

  I tilt my head and look back at him. “I’m sorry. I’m trying to be strong.”

  “I know, I can tell.”

  “I suck at it. I’ll try harder from now on.”

  He leans in and kisses my forehead. “Can you help me to the restroom and maybe get me something to eat?” he asks.

  “You’re feeling better?”

  “I will as soon as I use the restroom. I’m so thirsty.”

  I help him to the restroom and offer to make him anything he wants to eat. When he wants only jello, I’m not surprised. I wake up his mom, dad, and Drew so they can visit with him since he’s awake and feeling better. Xander goes in the hospital tomorrow for testing to see if his tumor’s shrunk. I’m hoping this is a good sign that it has.

  Xander visits briefly with his family before he becomes sleepy again. When they leave and I get back in bed, he tells me he needs to see Nichole in the morning. I find it odd, but I don’t question it. If he wants to see her, I’ll make sure he does.

  The next morning, Daniel and Drew help Xander shower. Nichole is here for breakfast and she’s looking better than she did the last time I saw her. I’m glad for her. Everyday she’s healing physically and I hope emotionally.

  “Xander wants to see you,” I say, taking a sip of my hot coffee.

  “He wants to see me?” she asks.

  “That’s what he said.”

  “I’ll stick around until I see him. I can’t imagine what he’d want to talk to me about.”

  “I have no idea.” I prepare her so she won’t be surprised by Xander’s appearance. It’s more for his benefit than it is for hers. I don’t want her to be shocked when she sees him. I don’t want her to look at him any differently. This is hard enough on him. Even I’m surprised by his rapid deterioration.

  I offer to help Rachael with breakfast, but she quickly declines my offer. It’s taking Xander longer than normal to shower, and I wish I had something to keep my mind off of waiting for him. When Xander, Drew, and Daniel walk into the eat-in kitchen, they are all different — they suddenly have become bald because they have shaved their heads. Daniel is holding Xander by his arm to support him. Xander still looks sickly, but he’s smiling. He stops near the barstools and looks around the room.