I fight back the tears at the show of support they are showing for their son and brother. I stand and smile.
“Triplets,” I tease, walking right to Xander. He may look exactly like his brother, and he may also resemble his father, but there is no confusing the three.
“This is a look I haven’t seen in awhile,” Rachael says happily. Well, as happily as she can make herself sound.
I have to admit that the haircut looks better than the straggling pieces of hair he had earlier. I kiss Xander and help him to sit in the nearest chair to him. Sitting beside him I ask, “You’ve seen this look before, Rachael?”
Rachael walks over, wiping her hand off on her apron. “It was when Drew went into the military. They all shaved their heads to show their support for Drew and the Army.”
I instantly remember Drew’s prosthetic leg and it saddens me. This family has been through so much, yet they still manage to wake up with a smile most of the time.
“It’s a good thing the Jamison men can sport such a unique look,” Nichole says from a distance.
Xander turns to look in her direction as if it’s the first time seeing her. I wonder how he didn’t see her when he walked into the room. Normally, he would stand to greet a woman in the room, but today, he’s just too weak.
“Good morning, Nichole,” he says.
“Good morning, Xander.”
Xander leans in and whispers, “I need to talk to her in private.”
In private? I knew he wanted to see her, but I had no idea it was going to be personal. “Can you talk here while I get your breakfast, or do you need a room with more privacy?”
“No, here’s good. I just need a few minutes.” I lean in and kiss his dry lips. “Okay, I’ll stall at the stove for a while.”
“Thank you, Ava.”
“It’s okay. I’ll go and get her for you.”
I walk back and see the sadness on Nichole’s face. “Xander’s ready to talk to you.” I walk away from her and walk over to where Drew, Daniel, and Rachael are standing at the stove. Rachael is filling everyone’s plates when Daniel turns to fill the five juice glasses. I turn to look at Xander talking to Nichole. I know that the treatments that Xander is taking are making him tired and weak, and I sure hope it’ll all be worth it. Maybe he was right thinking that the quality of life is more important than the length of life.
When Nichole looks over at me, I look away. Xander wanted to talk to her in private, and the least I can do is give it to them.
“What time is his doctor’s appointment?” I ask.
“His appointment’s at 11:00 am.”
My stomach flips at the possible news we’ll get today. That Xander might need to go through another week of aggressive treatments is painful to think about.
After breakfast, Nichole leaves and we all get ready to go to Xander’s appointment. I spend more time than necessary getting ready. I need time to prepare myself for the news. I need to play out each possible outcome in my head and figure out the next step. I need to be strong for Xander and for his family. Before we leave, I text Chase and tell him I’m thinking about him. I haven’t seen him much over the last several weeks or has it been months? However long it’s been, it’s been too long. I miss him. I miss his positive outlook on life, his easy-going, laid-back personality, and his smile. Before we leave, he texts me back.
Chase: I miss you, too. Seems like Thanksgiving was eons ago. I’ll make time to see you before Christmas. How’s Xander?
Ava: We’ll know something soon. Leaving now for his doctor’s appointment.
Chase: Okay. Hope it goes well. Chat later.
Ava: Okay, I’ll try to call you later.
We wait patiently in the treatment room while they do Xander’s CT Scan and X-rays. No one says anything, but I can’t help but notice the occasional sniffles from his mother. They rip right through my heart. I stand and look around the blank canvas of a room. No soft colors on the walls. No calming ocean sounds coming from the tape player. No soft glow from a lamp and no scenic portrait on the wall to look at to take your mind off of the possibly grim news we may get. Just cold, stark, and industrial views to remind us of why we are here. A tear falls and I quickly swipe it away. I don’t want to show my sadness. I just met Xander a few months ago, and I need to be strong for him and his family.
Xander returns from his testing, and now we have to wait to see the doctor. Seconds tick by as they turn into hours, possibly days. I look at the clock and it’s been only 37 minutes. Can that be right? Xander sleeps and it reminds me that time is against us. How much time do we have? I know he can become too sick to have the surgery. He was healthy just a week ago. This fatigue is from a side effect of the medications, right? When Xander becomes nauseated, his brother rushes to find a nurse and an emesis basin. I stay close and offer comfort. Internally, I’m screaming at the doctor to get here and give us some answers. Haven’t we waited enough! At least give Xander some answers so he can go home and rest.
When Xander throws up in the emesis basin, his dad stands angrily and leaves the room. Rachael wets some paper towels and dabs them on Xander’s face and neck, while I hold another emesis basin to Xander’s mouth. Drew stands by with a wastebasket. The only thing I can think about is cancer sucks, and how much I hate this for Xander.
Chase
I was glad when Ava texted me today. I just saw her on Thanksgiving, but I didn’t get to spend much time with her. She had a house full of family members and then we had the issue with Nichole and her husband Brett. Nichole took first priority over everything else.
The more time I spend with Ava, the more I wish I could tell her how I feel. I watched her with Connor, and now I’m sitting and watching her relationship bloom with Xander. “The timing wasn’t right,” I kept telling myself. Maybe it never will be. Maybe I should just sit down with her and tell her that I love her. Will she slap me in the face? Will she resent me for telling her how I feel or for not telling her sooner? Maybe she’ll tell me she feels the exact same way. Is this a risk I’m willing to take?
Xander
I sit up as much as I can and focus on what the doctor says. I’m tired, my vision is blurred, and my mouth feels like I’m swallowing cotton balls. The inside of my mouth is covered in sores. A side effect of radiation to my head. I lick my dry lips, but there’s nothing to moisten them.
My doctor says, “I have some good news: Your tumor has shrunk enough for us to do the surgery.” Closing my eyes, I quietly thank God.
“We need to get your strength up and then we can operate.”
“How soon?” Mom asks.
“I’m hopeful we can do it as early as next week.”
I try to listen to the instructions the doctor gives us, but my mind isn’t concentrating on that. It’s concentrating on the possibility that I may have only one week to live. Seven days isn’t enough time to spend with Ava. I know the surgery might work, but what if it doesn’t? I have to make the next week count. Is this fair to Ava? I’m a selfish bastard for thinking only of my own needs. I think I love her and I need to be with her for as long as I can.
My book! I need to make some changes in my book. Wesley will understand. They’re only some minor changes like maybe the title. No, he’ll never go for that. The title has to stay, it’s already up for pre-order. I do have some control over what goes into the book. It won’t take long. God knows I may not have long, and I’ll be damned if I spend the next week with my nose in a computer.
On the drive home, Dad drives along the beach and we watch the wild horses run along the water’s edge. I try to focus on the horses and the boats in the water. I don’t care how many times I see this view, it never gets old. My vision is blurred and it makes it difficult to see.
“When you get your strength up, we should take the boat out, Xander,” Mom says. “We can show Ava the true beauty of the Outer Banks.”
I look at Ava and she smiles. I had planned on taking Ava out on my boat, but my plans didn’t
include my family. If my strength and vision don’t return quickly, I’ll have no other choice but to bring my family along with us.
“Sounds like a plan,” I say.
When we get home, I nap. When I wake up, Ava isn’t in the room with me. I use this time to my benefit. I call Wesley and update him on my health. Of course, Mom has already talked to him. I also tell him about the changes I need to make in the book. He doesn’t argue with me like he has in the past.
He says, “Okay, I will make the changes for you, then send them over for your approval. Once you approve them, I’ll get the proof copies of the paperback ordered.”
“Today. Wesley, I need the corrections done today.”
“I figured as much. You’ll have them this evening.”
“Thank you.”
“Well, I think this book will be your number one best seller. If I can help make that happen for you, I want to be there for that.”
“You’re a good friend.”
“That, and I’m greedy. We stand to make some serious money from this book.”
When I get an uncontrolled cough, he says, “Get some rest and I’ll take care of you on this end.”
I can’t say anything so I just disconnect the call. Ava and Mom are in the room immediately. They both look scared. Ava gets me some water and it helps. “Cotton mouth?” Ava asks. I just nod as I finish off the water. “We’ll keep some water on the nightstand for you.” I hand her the empty glass. “I’ll get you some more.”
“Thank you.”
“Can I get you anything?” Mom asks.
“I don’t need anything.” I can see the fear in her eyes. “I didn’t mean to frighten you.”
She gives me a weak smile. “It’s hard not to these days. It seems that everything about this is frightening.”
I raise my arm for a hug. Mom hugs me tightly but gently. “In another week, all this may be behind us.”
“That would be nice, wouldn’t it. I’ll finally have my Xander back. “
Ava comes into the room quietly and sets the glass of water on the nightstand. She doesn’t say anything as she backs out of the room to give Mom and me some privacy. “It would. This time next year, we all should plan a family trip to Spain.”
“Spain? We always talked about doing that when you boys graduated from high school.” Mom smiles and she no longer looks as frightened as she did a few moments ago.
Drew went into the military right after high school. Shortly after he got injured, I was diagnosed with cancer.
“I think it’s about time we make it happen.”
“When you get better after your surgery, we’ll start making plans for a trip to Spain.”
Mom, Drew, Dad, and Ava sit in my bedroom while I lie in bed. I want to get up, but I just don’t have the strength. We talk and laugh, and sometimes I sleep. When I wake up, they are still there talking as if I never dosed off.
Over the next few days, I can feel I’m getting stronger. The doctor stopped the oral chemo and radiation to give my body time to strengthen. I’m grateful for that, as the chemo is hard on my body. Ava, Drew, Dad, and Mom spend every minute of the day with me. At night, Ava and I stay up late talking.
“I’m glad you’re feeling better.”
I touch her soft hair. “Me, too. Just in time for the surgery.”
“Well, you still have a couple more days. Is there anything you want to do?”
I think about the things I need to do before my surgery. Christmas is only a couple weeks away. I should probably do some Christmas shopping. Wesley called and said my proof copies of my book should arrive tomorrow. I’m excited about that. The book’s completion is at the top of my priority list.
“On-line Christmas shopping would be nice,” I finally say.
“That’s easy enough. Do you have a list?”
I wanna laugh, but I don’t. “I don’t need a list. I have just a few people to buy for.”
“That’s even better.”
I watch as she gets out my laptop and hands it to me to enter my passcode. It doesn’t take long to shop for Mom, Dad, and Drew. I also shop for Skylar and Nichole.
“Do you need anything else?”
“I need to buy one more gift, but I’ll do that when you’re not in the room with me.”
“Are you sure? ’Cause I think I can help you with that.”
We both laugh. “Yeah, pretty sure I can do it alone.”
“Okay, have it your way.” She leans in and kisses me. “I need something to drink. Can I get you something?”
Of course my mouth is dry. “I’ll take water, with lots of ice, please.”
“Okay. I’ll give you a few minutes. Don’t go crazy shopping.”
She waits for me to answer. “I won’t.” It’s the truth. I already know what I want to get for her.
Chapter Four: A Final Goodbye or a Second Chance
Ava
The last week has been a whirlwind of emotions. One minute, Xander looked like death itself, and then the next, he was up eating and talking. If Xander is worried about his upcoming surgery tomorrow, I would never know. He never shows his fear.
He had a box delivered to him this week. Originally, I thought it was his Christmas gifts he bought this week, but I may have been wrong. I didn’t get to see what was in the box, and he never showed me either. I didn’t ask and he didn’t tell me. He’s entitled to his secrets.
When Xander feels well, we talk and he visits with his family. When he’s sick, I lie in bed with him and read to him or try to memorize his facial features, the shape of his hands, and the smell of his scent. I try to match my rapid breathing to his shallow breaths.
I think back to the last few months I’ve had with Xander, and I smile. He’s brought a lot of happiness into my life. He’s funny, good looking, and talented, and he will and can do just about anything. After losing my memory to amnesia, I’m happy to say that I’m replacing any memory loss with new and improved ones. I have no idea what the future holds for Xander and me, but the last few months with him have been wonderful. He’s everything a woman could ever want in a man.
“What are you smiling at?” he asks.
Surprised that he was watching me, I say, “You.” I scoot back so I can get a better look at him. “I didn’t know you were awake.”
“I haven’t been up long.” He squeezes his eyes shut. “This headache woke me up.”
“Do you want something for it?”
I watch as he licks his dry lips. “Yes, and something to drink.”
Leaning up, I kiss him. “I’ll be right back.”
I go downstairs. Daniel, Drew, and Rachael are sitting around the dining room table.
“Hey, Xander has a headache. Is there anything for him to take?”
I get into the fridge and get him a bottle of cold water, while his mother gets me some Motrin. When we hear a thump coming from upstairs, we all run to see where the noise is coming from. Drew and Daniel are the first ones to arrive in Xander’s bedroom.
“Call 911,” Daniel yells.
My heart races as I search frantically search for my cell phone. It’s in the bedroom lying on the nightstand.
Drew says, “He’s having a seizure.”
“I’ll call 911, you help Xander,” Rachael cries.
I rush into the room and see that Xander is having a grand mal seizure. My heart races and my mind replays the first time I learned he had cancer. With tears in my eyes, I try to do everything I know to do as a nurse for him. I whisper for him to come out of his seizure. When one seizure leaves, another seizure begins. After six seizures in a row, I give up hope that they’ll stop on their own.
“Call his doctor,” I cry from a kneeling position on the floor.
I do the only thing I can do for him: I pray, and keep him safe during his seizures. I don’t think I breathe until I hear the sirens in the far distance.
Rachael brings everyone upstairs and the chaos increases. I update the EMS workers on what I know ab
out today’s seizures, and Rachael and Daniel update them on Xander’s health problems and allergies.
We shuffle down the stairs and file into one car. Rachael rides in the ambulance with Xander. The ride to the hospital is a blur. His surgery was scheduled for tomorrow. How could this happen? I was just talking to him. This can’t be the end. His tumor was shrinking; his doctor confirmed it. He’ll recover from this, just like he did his last seizures. He’ll have his surgery and everything will work out for him as it should. This is just a little setback.
“Ava? We should go.”
I look up and for a minute, I’m confused. It looks like Xander standing in front of me holding his hand out for mine.
“We need to go, Ava.” It’s Drew speaking, not Xander.
Silently, I take Drew’s hand and step out of the 4x4 truck. I walk behind Drew and Daniel. I say nothing. I have no words to say to anyone. This can’t be happening. I feel small and helpless, and the sounds of a busy hospital are muffled. I can’t make out what people are saying. Why can’t I hear? Suddenly, I’m cold. Very cold. I try to warm my arms with my hands, but it’s all in vain.
Rachael joins us in the waiting room. Her tear-stained cheeks say what her heart feels. She’s broken. I look at Drew before I look at Daniel. Daniel is always the strong one in the family and he’s torn. He’s trying to be strong for his wife and son, but it’s taking all he has. I want to step up and offer some strength, but I have nothing to offer.
Someone hugs me and it’s welcoming. I have no idea who it is, but I let them.
“I came as soon as I knew the ambulance was there for Xander. Is there any news?” Nichole releases her hold on me.
I shake my head; I’m still unable to speak.
“We should sit, it could be awhile,” Nichole says, sitting down.
I watch Nichole and it dawns on me that she was going through a similar situation a year ago when Connor and I were in the accident that took her son’s life. Is she reliving that night she lost her only child?
Living for Today Page 9