He’d said he loved being a stepdad to Will – and I could see how good he was with him. I had no idea if he’d welcome what I’d got to say – but I felt that I had to say something about it. If I didn’t it might never come up again and I felt that it was suddenly imperative that I did... Don’t fuck this up Joel... “You said earlier that you loved being Will’s stepdad.”
He blinked those amazing eyes at me and nodded, looking a little surprised that I’d brought it up again.
I nodded, “I understand that, you know – I feel the same way about my nieces and nephews. In fact, I’m the best uncle my nieces and nephews have – in my over-inflated opinion of myself, that is, of course.” I flashed him a grin, making him smile that made my heart soar, “But I want kids of my own one day too. And I was wondering – do you think that maybe we could do that together someday?” I held my breath. Shit. This conversation had just gotten out of hand. I’d gone in too early. My heart was in my mouth at my audacity. Hell, I knew how I felt about him – but he’d never even admitted to being bisexual, never mind anything else and here was I, asking him to be mine forever... well, you know, in a kind of roundabout way, anyway...
His jaw dropped and he looked at me as if I was quite, quite mad. Maybe he had a point... “You want someday with me?” He asked incredulously.
I nodded. I’d dropped the bomb already. It was time to put everything out there. The whole nine yards... “I want every fucking day with you, dude,” I admitted, “I’m kind of in love with you.” Holy fucking shit, did I just say that? Well too late now. I’d already said it.
Seth gazed at me with his mouth slightly open, “Are you serious?”
I nodded, “Absolutely serious.” I said, “And I get it that you’re not even bisexual and I’m probably totally fucking delusional – but just hear me out. We could make it work – we get on well don’t we? Can’t we just be mates that live together and have kids?”
His lips twitched, “Joel,” he said.
I looked at him, my heart starting to thump in my chest at the way he was looking at me, “Yeah?” I whispered since I’d lost all power of speech at the look on face.
“Just shut up and kiss me.”
Chapter 24 – Confessions...
Joel
We got back after midnight and the house was chilly again. We probably didn’t need the wood-burner on but fuck it – I liked it.
“So, tell me what happened that night?” We were lying together on his sofa with the wood-burning stove flickering away and making the room toasty warm. The only light in the room coming from the fire.
Seth closed his eyes and breathed in slowly through his nose, “It was a week before her birthday and we were going to meet Peyton and Kody for a meal around at their place.” I nodded and shifted my position slightly so he could lean back against me. I draped my arm around his waist and let my hand rest on his hip. “She was getting ready and I was watching Toy Story with Will.”
I could see him in my mind, they’d be snuggled up on the sofa the way they were here sometimes when I got in. Will wasn’t around often but whenever he was, they were either going head to head on the PlayStation, or they were snuggled up with a big blanket each watching some Disney movie or other. Seth was a great dad. Watching him with Will made me want to get married and have kids... Maybe someday we would...
He smiled mistily, “She was taking forever – reckoned she’d done her eyebrows wrong or something.” He shook his head, “Will and I weren’t bothered – it gave us a chance to watch the whole movie.” He chuckled at the memory but then he let out a long sigh. “Anyway – finally she was ready and we set off. We were almost there when this car came out of nowhere and drove directly at us. There was nowhere for her to go, she tried her best to swerve out of the way, but the fucking lunatic was just intent on crashing into us. Well, of course he was – it was his sole intention to kill her – and Will and probably me too. I wasn’t his target but he wouldn’t have cared if he’d killed all three of us.”
I nodded. I already knew all of this. Harley had told me all about Callum McCarthy’s cousin wanting to wreak revenge on Peyton for the death of his brother or something, but hearing it from Seth’s point of view was so much more powerful. He’d lived it...
“So, anyway... She was screaming, and Will was in the back and he was screaming and I wasn’t aware of it at the time but I was screaming too. Finally the car stopped rolling. We were upside down. I thought that was the end of it. Siobhan looked at me and she didn’t seem to be particularly badly hurt. She was frightened – well of course she was, and worried – but not for herself. She was only worried for Will. She begged me to get him out first.”
I held my breath. Oh, God, so she’d still been alive at that point... That made it all the more horrifying. And poor Seth would have thought they were all going to be okay.
“I got Will out and told him to go and stand behind the railings on the pavement, and bless him, he did exactly as I told him to without any fuss. I turned back to get Siobhan out and that was when I saw that the car had caught fire.” He sucked in a shuddery gasp of air as he fought with his emotions, “I tried so hard to get her out... I really tried, Joel – so fucking hard, but that was when I discovered that her legs were trapped and something had happened to the steering column – it was pinning her to the seat and she was bleeding – like, really bleeding. She’d have probably died from her injuries even if we had been able to drag her out. There really wasn’t anything I could do to help her. She knew she was going to die and she was screaming at me to get out of the car, telling me to save myself and to look after Will. She asked me to make sure he never forgot her and then she just...” He sniffed. “They were her last words. The fucking car had caught fire and it was burning fast. Hell, I was burning. I really didn’t want to leave her, though... It was your brother who saved my life...”
I blinked, “What?” He knew it was Harley? Fuck. What else did he know about that night? Did he know I’d been there too?
He nodded, “Yeah,” he said, “He’s some guy. I have a lot of respect for him – he punched my lights out and dragged me out of the car and away from the wreckage, just moments before it exploded. There was nothing he could do for Siobhan. She’d stopped screaming...” He shuddered, “She didn’t stand a chance...” His face crumpled and he started to cry. I wrapped my arms around him and he sobbed against my shoulder, “I still miss her so much, Joel. I loved her – so damned much...”
It was time to tell him that I’d been there. Was this the moment it got creepy and he was freaked out? Was I a stalker? Had he been dating his ultimate stalker? I didn’t feel like one... I didn’t think I was one... But fuck. He might think I was one...
“I was there too,” I said softly.
Seth shifted position so he could look at me. He frowned, “What?” He asked.
I nodded, “It was take-your-kid-to-work day.”
His frown deepened, “What on earth are you talking about?”
I took a deep breath. Fuck. He was gonna freak for sure... “The night Siobhan died – I was with Harley.”
His jaw dropped, “You were with him?”
I nodded, “I’m sorry that I’ve never said anything before. I’ve wanted to a few times but I always felt too awkward and I thought you might think I was some sort of a stalker...” Fuck. Hadn’t meant to start that one off...
He blinked. “How much did you see?”
I swallowed. I hated thinking about that night. “I saw the car. I heard you screaming to get her out. I saw you burning...” I shuddered.
He looked utterly horrified, “Oh, God...” He put his face in his hands. “You saw me at my absolute rock bottom....” He took his hands away from his face, “And you’re still here?” He sounded so incredulous but where the hell else would I be? I was in love with him.
I nodded, tears filling my eyes so much that I couldn’t see him anymore, “Of course I’m still here.” I whispered.
He
shook his head, “Why?”
I bit my lip, “Do you believe in love at first sight?” I asked him quietly.
He shrugged, “I guess it can happen.” He said.
I nodded, smiling, “It can happen, Seth.” I said, “And it does – because I fell in love with you at Harley’s wedding...”
His jaw dropped, “But that was ages ago.”
I shrugged and nodded, “I know.” I whispered, “I was only eighteen.” I shrugged, “But when you know, you know... you know?”
He nodded, “Yeah,” he said, “I know.”
“I visited you every day in the hospital too – when you were in your coma. I talked to you every day.”
He stared at me. “Really?” He asked, his own eyes filling with tears now.
I nodded, “I hated that you were always on your own. I thought if you could hear a friendly voice you wouldn’t feel so bad... Stupid, I know...”
He smiled and shook his head, “I don’t think it’s stupid.” He said softly, “I think it’s nice. Thank you.”
I swallowed. I’d been bricking it for months, not knowing if I should tell him that... “You don’t think I’m, like, a stalker or something, do you?” I held my breath, suddenly really afraid that this was going to be the end of what could have been a really amazing relationship...
He grinned, “No, Joel. I think you’re wonderful.”
I heaved a sigh of relief. I’d been worrying over nothing.
He sighed. “I don’t know if I can ever be what you really need, though. I’m not quite whole...”
I snorted, “Of course you are.” I said, “You’ve got no bits missing.”
He shook his head, “Right, you need to see what I look like, naked.”
Hello! That was a bit of a turn up... I started to grin but he shook his head again and rolled his eyes, “I wasn’t talking about getting naked and getting jiggy.” He said with a small smile, “I was talking about how turned off you’re going to be when you see how fucking hideous I am undressed.”
We’d see about that. Getting naked and getting jiggy was exactly what I was talking about... “But you’re beautiful.” I argued, “I don’t care about a few scars.”
He looked at me as he undid his shirt, “There’s more than just a few.” He pulled his shirt out of his jeans and then slowly he slid it off and placed it on the sofa. I looked at him in surprise. What the hell was he doing?
He gazed steadily back at me, “You can look at my scars if you want to.” He said, “Or not.” His shoulders sagged and he reached for his shirt again, “This was a stupid idea.” He muttered, “I already know it’s going to turn you right off me. I’ve got to be fucking crazy...”
I grabbed his arm, “Nothing about you turns me off.” I said firmly, “Nothing.” I stood up and forced myself to look at his chest, upper arms and back. Yes. They were badly scarred from the skin grafts he’d had to have but they really weren’t anywhere near as bad as he clearly thought they were. He was still utterly beautiful to me.
I reached a hand out and stroked his chest, “You’re lovely.” I whispered.
He shook his head, “I’m damaged.” He insisted.
No. He wasn’t and it was time for a gentle reminder that he had a life to live. He didn’t need to live it alone. Siobhan was gone and I was here. I took a deep breath, “I know you loved Siobhan.” I said, tugging him into my arms and wrapping my arms around him, “But she died, Seth. And you didn’t – you still have a life to live and I want you to live it,” I took another deep breath – and a massive leap of faith, “and I want you to live it with me.”
He nodded against my chest. “I want that too.” He said, “I love you, Joel.”
I smiled, feeling my own eyes filling with tears – but with tears of joy that he’d finally admitted that he loved me, “I love you, too.” I said, “So much – and I want to show you how much I love you too – may I?”
He visibly swallowed. I watched his Adam’s apple bob up and down. Why on earth was he so nervous? He was absolutely perfect to me. I couldn’t wait to show him how much I desired him and wanted to make love with him. I waited while I watched a myriad of emotions pass over his face. He was going to turn me down... Finally he looked at me, his beautiful soulful eyes searched mine, “Are you sure?” He asked, his voice cracking, “Are you sure I’m enough for you?”
I nodded, “I’m sure.” I said, “I’m in love with you, Seth. I don’t want anyone else – ever.”
He smiled, “Then let’s go to bed.” He said, holding his hand out to me.
I took his hand in mine and brought it up to my mouth. I kissed the back of his hand, “You won’t regret this, baby.” I said, “I will cherish every single second of our time together – you’ll never look back, I promise.”
He smiled, “I know.” He said, “I know I’ve done my best to push you away but the truth is, you’re everything I need.”
I swallowed hard. I was feeling so emotional. Biting my lip to stop myself from bursting into tears, I nodded, “Same.” I managed to croak out, “Take me to bed.”
Chapter 25 – For the first time...
Seth
My heart was in my mouth as I led Joel from the lounge and up the stairs to my room.
I was walking slightly ahead of him and I was very aware that he could see all the scar tissue on my shoulders. Still, he’d seen the worse ones on my chest and he hadn’t batted an eyelid. It really was time that I stopped focusing on the bad stuff and started living my life again.
I pushed the door of my room open and stopped. I really had no idea what we were going to do together. I couldn’t deny that I was no stranger to the odd blowjob, but that was as far as I’d ever got with a guy before – and I had pretty much no idea what sort of experience Joel had had with guys before we met. “Uh...” I began.
Joel stroked my shoulder, making me shudder under his touch, “What’s up?” He asked.
“Have you, uh....”
He cocked his head to one side and looked at me with those bluer than blue eyes I’d been falling in love with for the past few months of us living together, “What?” He asked softly, “Have I had penetrative sex with a guy before?”
I nodded, “Yeah – because I haven’t.”
He shook his head, “I haven’t either. It’s been all about touching and sucking – but I’m game to give it a try if you are – what do you think you’d prefer – top or bottom?”
Oh, my God. He was so straightforward! I loved it. “Uh, I’ve got a bit of a thing for being topped actually – would you like to fuck me?”
His jaw dropped slightly, “Fuck, yeah I would.” He said, “Have we got any condoms and lube and stuff?”
Blushing to the roots of my hair to actually have condoms and lube – and an array of sex toys that I’d used both with Siobhan and alone, I nodded, “Yeah,” I admitted, “I’ve got everything we need.”
He grinned, “Show me.” He said in a sexy growl, “Show me what you’ve got.”
My dick was as hard as a rock in my jeans. Was he referring to my stash of dildos and butt plugs or was he talking about my cock? I didn’t really care. I was feeling so high on love for him and I was so aroused that I wasn’t thinking much about anything – just getting him deliciously naked. I hadn’t felt like this, without feeling guilty about it, in months. It was liberating to finally feel able to let go and fall in love. “What – you want to see my cock?” I asked shyly.
He nodded, his eyes glazing over slightly. He was obviously as turned on as I was. “I want to see it, to feel it, to suck it. You’ve got a very pretty cock.”
“Oh, God.” I groaned, “You’re fucking perfect.”
Joel chuckled, “Ditto.” He whispered, brushing his lips against my ear as he did so. I shivered. Everything about him turned me on, from his beautiful expressive eyes to his slightly pouty mouth. God, I couldn’t wait for him to get those lips around my cock...
And it would seem that neither could he, becau
se he was steering me towards the bed.
He pushed me down onto the bed gently and straddled my thighs, “I’m not sure how far we’ll go tonight,” he said breathlessly, “Because I’ve gotta tell you – the idea of actually having this inside me,” he stroked my cock, which was straining against my jeans, dying to get out, “is pretty scary – so I’m guessing you’re feeling a bit apprehensive about that too.”
I nodded, shrugging my shoulders, “Well, yeah,” I said, “I guess – but I have been practicing...”
He raised an eyebrow, “Practicing?” He asked, his lips curving up at the edges.
I shrugged again, feeling my face heating up. I couldn’t deny that I’d been thinking about us having sex for a while – ever since the night with the wine, actually – and I’d obviously been subconsciously hoping, even when I was totally in denial about my feelings, that we’d get to this point – because I’d bought the dildos and butt plugs and I’d been getting to grips with the feel and size of them. I couldn’t deny they felt pretty good – but they were cold and there was no denying that they were made of plastic. The real thing – the heat of his body inside mine – well, that would be absolutely mind-blowing, I was sure...
“So, you want me to...” He stopped and took in a shuddery breath, “You want to... tonight, you want...?”
Bless him. He couldn’t get his words out properly. I thought I’d better take control of the situation. “Yes, Joel.” I said firmly, “I want you to roll a condom down your cock and then I want you to drizzle lube all over the both of us – and then I want your fingers inside me – and then I want your cock inside me. I want to do all of that tonight.”
He just nodded, looking totally shell-shocked, “Right.” He said, “Well, let’s get to it, then.”
Yes. Let’s...
*
With slightly shaky fingers, Joel found the button of my jeans and undid it quickly. He had the zipper down in less than a second and then he was pushing my jeans down my thighs, showing even more of my hideous scars off that I preferred to keep hidden. I’d had to have pins in my leg and of course they’d had to open my leg up to do so. I had a long scar down the front of my leg, and small scars down the sides, where they’d fit the external framework.
Seth... Saved Page 9