by Landis Lain
“There was no way you or anybody could have defended themselves, Sash,” he said. “Not when you were drugged by someone you trusted. If I wasn’t trying to stay out of prison my whole life I’d smoke those jokers, nightmares or no.” Sasha could tell that the truth enraged Suleiman even as he joked in gallows humor.
Sasha turned to him and put her arms around him. He stood rigid. She could feel his muscles bunch and lock. She stood on tiptoe and kissed his cheek softly. He put his hands to her arms and tried to disengage her hands.
“Don’t do this, Sasha,” he said. “Don’t try to distract me. You are looking and smelling luscious. I’m a gentleman but I’m still a man. You’re not ready for anything extra. And I’m edgy enough as it is.”
“I know that,” she said. “I’m sorry. But, I’m so scared.”
He sighed. “You know I’m lost when you get scared,” he said, rueful. He hugged her back until she was nearly breathless. He kissed her softly on the lips.
“Repeat your lessons to me,” she whispered.
“There is no safe place, just where you are,” he said, without hesitation.
She mouthed along with him. “Bad people happen to good people. Defend yourself from evil to the best of your ability.
If your best is not enough, forgive yourself, God will bring you through all adversity because God is always where you are.”
She nodded and stepped back from the hug. Suleiman dropped his arms. She reached up and wiped the gloss off his lips with one finger. He took a deep breath and let it out. She rubbed her finger and thumb together. Her fingernails were no longer bitten to the quick. Her hands were healing.
“I’m okay,” she whispered.
“Good.” He shook his head. “But I still want to come with you.”
“I know, Suleiman,” she said, patiently. They had had this conversation a hundred times. “And I love you for it. But this does not have anything to do with you. I don’t want you to hear all my dirty history. It’s bad enough Mama and Gabby will be there.”
“I already know about it,” he protested. “I love you. I already told you it doesn’t matter.”
“Then you don’t need to hear it,” she said. “Once I speak it again, I’m going to need to come out of that courtroom and touch something clean. I want to separate that mess into before and after. After. That’s you and that is Ricky.”
Suleiman sighed.
“You’re very handsome when you brood,” said Sasha, to lighten the moment. He cocked his head to the side and studied her for one long moment. He squared his shoulders.
“You know we are getting married, right?” he asked, pointing to her and then to himself. Sasha hesitated and put one hand on his chest to feel his heart beat. It was steady. Suleiman’s expression was resolute; no doubts marred his chiseled features.
Sasha had found the playlist a few days before, by accident.
She’d been scrolling down looking on her I-Pod for the ‘BEAUTIFUL’ Playlist to help calm her anxiety and discovered a new ‘I LOVE YOU’ playlist. She had listened, transfixed, to the first song, ‘Back in my arms’ by Jaheim; her heart slammed in her chest through ‘Rise up’ and she’d burst into tears on ‘Oui.’ She had composed herself on ‘Stay with me’. By the time she’d finished with ‘I found love’ and finally ‘Queen’ by Raheem DeVaughn, Sasha was exhausted, but in no doubt as to Suleiman’s feelings for her.
“Right?” he repeated.
“Of course,” said Sasha, nodding and smiling. “Just as soon as we finish school and find jobs. I’m going to meet you at the altar with Mama’s preacher.”
“I mean it, Sasha,” he said, intense black eyes boring into hers. “Quit playing. I’m not joking.”
“Me, either,” Sasha replied.
Suleiman was stunned. “Really?”
Sasha nodded. “Yeah. Really.”
“Okay, then,” he said.
They both laughed. Suleiman pulled her into a long hug then kissed her on the forehead. She eased away from him.
“This is what you want?”
Her smile faded. She nodded.
“I have my onyx.” She patted the jacket pocket. “I want my life back.”
“Then go get it.”
REDEEMED
After court,
I was so scared. I kept repeating the lesson, and the closer I got to the truth the less panicky I felt. I rubbed my onyx and thought about my life with every step. Instead of dead man walking, I felt like live woman marching. I wasn’t going to my doom, I was stomping back to life. The heat inside my chest was so incandescent I could feel the lightning radiating out of my fingernails. I was the storm before the rainbow. I could fly…like a superhero. Onyx Butterfly, Arising.
Sasha waited on the steps on the front steps of the Ingham.
“You know I’m proud of you, right,” her mother said once she’d joined Sasha on the steps. She took Sasha into a bear hug. “I’m mad that you didn’t confide in me. But I’m still proud of you.”
Sasha’s confession had softened something in Mama’s attitude. The lies weren’t between them.
“Thank you, Mama,” said Sasha. “That means a lot.” They took the elevator to Judge Garcia’s courtroom.
When Sasha walked in, Gabby met her and walked her to the table where the assistant prosecutor sat. Craig was there in orange jail garb and shackles. She could feel his raged-filled eyes boring into her back as she made her way to the front of the courtroom. T Bone and K Smooth looked defiant but were
dressed up like they were going to church. Ray-Ray looked terrified in a suit with no tie. D Money was in an Army dress uniform and looked like he was going to lose his lunch. He even moaned audibly during part of Sasha’s statements. Sasha did not look at any of them after the initial looks she sent them. She put up her chin and kept repeating Suleiman’s lesson to herself.
Gabby gave Sasha an encouraging smile and thumbs up. Even if the prosecutor didn’t go forward with her rape case, she was telling her story. One of the five young men was the father of her baby. It didn’t matter which one. It could have been any of them.
“For the record,” said Judge Garcia. “Four of the five young men signed statements and allege consensual sexual relations with you, Ms. Anderson. Darrien Morgan denies the allegation, though he does admit to being present during the alleged incident.”
“Yes, Ma’am,” whispered Sasha. She looked over at D Money briefly and met his dark brown eyes. He looked sick, but defiant. Sasha lifted her chin and turned her attention back to the judge.
“They have all consented to DNA testing to determine the father of your baby,” said Judge Garcia. “Is there a statement that you would like to put before the court?”
Sasha nodded and took her place on the witness stand.
“You may start anywhere,” said the Judge.
She started the story with why she had lied about Damon being the father of her baby.
“It wasn’t a lie,” she said, “as much as a hope. Because I was never sure who the father of my baby was. I’m sorry I involved him.” Tears rolled down Sasha’s face, but she didn’t wipe them away. She rubbed the onyx in her pocket. She looked up when the door to the courtroom opened and saw Dr. Michelle slip into the courtroom. Dr. Michelle blew her a kiss, fluttered her fingers and mouthed the words “Onyx Butterfly.” Sasha nodded.
Sasha wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand and then continued.
“The men who were involved in me being drugged and raped on March 16, two years ago, were Craig Frazier, Darrien Morgan, Raymond McCullough, Tyrone Freeman and I only know the fifth by the name of K Smooth,” said Sasha, looking at the judge. “He was the one who gave me the drugged Mountain Dew the night of the rape and later attacked me at the movie theatre.”
“Can you point each of them out in court?” asked Judge Garcia. Sasha did so and named each as she pointed to them. She met their eyes without flinching. Even Craig’s.
“For the record, the young man y
ou pointed out as K Smooth is named Kameron Sims,” said Judge Garcia. The Judge cast him a stern look and K Smooth had the grace to look ashamed. Sasha nodded, committing the name to memory in case she needed to know it for later.
When Sasha finished telling her story, her mother and Gabby were openly weeping and even the judge grabbed a tissue and blew her nose before commencing her orders. Sasha’s tears had dried. Since this was only a paternity hearing, there was no cross examination. When the prosecutor brought criminal charges, that would be a challenge for another day.
Sasha looked to the back of the room and Dr. Michelle smiled, hand over her heart. Now, it was over. The frozen nightmare was out in the open air instead of clutched around her heart. No matter what, Sasha had told the truth.
Gabby testified unflinchingly, that she had watched Craig threaten Sasha. She glared at each of the Death Lords. When Gabby handed the judge a copy of the video and told her how she had acquired it, the judge commended Gabby on her bravery.
Craig looked angrier than Sasha had ever seen him, but she met his eyes without hesitation. Ricky was going to have to grow up never knowing his real father, whoever he was and that made her sad. She closed her eyes and repeated Suleiman’s lesson. She could hear his smooth deep voice in her mind and she was comforted.
A young woman came through a door that was behind the judge’s chair and handed the judge a sheaf of papers.
“Thank you,” said Judge Garcia. She rifled through the papers quickly and gave Sasha a sharp look.
“Ms. Anderson,” said Judge Garcia, eyes slightly red.
Sasha opened her eyes. “Yes, Ma’am?”
“As you know, I’ve ordered expedited paternity tests for all five of these young men. The results have come back. Do you want to open the results in chambers or in open court?”
“You can open them now,” said Sasha.
“Do you want me to read them?”
“Yes, Ma’am,” said Sasha. “Out loud.” She cast one long look over the young men seated at the defendant’s table with their lawyers and then turned her attention back to the judge.
“You baby’s biological father is,” said Judge Garcia, shuffling papers and reading through the documents. “Raymond McCullough.”
As dramatic moments went, it wasn’t. No screaming denials, no cussing, no accusations. Just a room full of people staring at a stunned Ray-Ray. Sasha was relieved to finally know the truth.
Sasha met Ray-Ray’s eyes.
“You have a son,” she said simply.
Ray-Ray was tall, light skinned, nice looking if not for the fact that he was a rapist. Sasha hadn’t even known his full name before court today. She knew nothing else about him, except that he was Craig’s loyal flunky. If he went to prison, he would never know his own son. Sasha glanced at each young man’s face in turn, memorizing their features. K Smooth cocked his head and returned her look. She settled on D Dog’s face last. He locked eyes with her and could not seem to look away.
“You don’t have a son,” she said. He flinched. “You are not the father.”
Sasha broke eye contact and turned away from the young men seated across the courtroom. As far as Sasha was concerned, they were irrelevant. Ray-Ray did not matter. Ricky was Sasha’s baby. He would stay that way.
The judge cleared her throat and continued. “You may decide if you want to pursue child support or termination of paternal rights. You may decide whether or not you would like to pursue criminal charges against each of these young men.”
“I would like to think about terminating his parental rights before I take any action against Raymond McCullough.”
The prosecutor had advised her to wait to see the outcome of the criminal case before she made any permanent decisions. If Ray-Ray went to prison her decision would be easier. Ray-Ray might give up his rights voluntarily.
“Ms. Anderson, I’ve read your psychological reports and I’m impressed with your progress and your parenting,” said Judge Garcia. “Dr. Stanton has given you glowing reports. You were very brave. I want to commend you. The child is remanded to your sole custody. Good luck in your future.” The judge released the five young men who left the courtroom quickly, no doubt to go and confer with their lawyers for the possible criminal charges coming their way.
“Thank you, Ma’am,” said Sasha. She dropped her onyx into her jacket pocket. She turned and walked up the aisle, meeting up with Gabby, who’d come back for the hearing. Sasha’s mother waved them out of the courtroom as she was still crying and needed time to compose herself. Gabby’s father stayed behind to talk to the prosecutor and to console Sasha’s mother. Sasha and Gabby left the courtroom together, hand in hand. Once they had walked down the hallway, Gabby turned and hugged Sasha, hard.
“You are so strong!” Gabby said. “A Queen Regnant!”
Sasha returned the hug, glad to her soul that Gabby was back in her life.
“What is that?”
“A queen in her own right,” said Gabby. “A Boss!”
“I don’t know about all that,” said Sasha.
“I do,” said Gabby. “I’m so proud of you.”
“I’m proud of me, too.”
They chuckled.
“I’m so sorry that happened to you,” said Gabby, stepping back. “But at least D Dog is probably going down for felonious assault or whatever he did last year. He’s got an extensive rap sheet. Dad said he might be locked up a long time.”
Sasha nodded. “Yeah.”
Gabby continued. “Ray-Ray is on juvie probation and T Bone has a current case pending for possession. I think the Army is investigating D Money. Dad said he is getting some pressure to narc on the Death Lords or face discharge. A felony would get him kicked out of the Army. K Smooth is a powder head and stupid as a rock. He’s coming up for trial on that mall incident with ya’ll. He’ll probably go to jail if he doesn’t overdose any time soon.”
The recitation made Sasha cringe inside for so many young lives wasted. At least Sasha’s wasn’t. Dr. Michelle walked up to them and hugged her.
“You done well, kid,” she said.
“Thank you,” said Sasha.
“The angels know of you,” said Dr. Michelle.
“Yes,” said Sasha, squaring her shoulders. “They do. Better recognize.”
“Good one,” said Dr. Michelle. She hugged Sasha and left the courtroom in a flurry of purple paisley sun dress and perfume.
“I have to get back to school,” said Gabby, holding Sasha in a loose embrace. She leaned back to look Sasha in the eyes.
“Coach frowns on missing curfew. But if you need me, you call me. I’m on my way, no matter what.”
“I know,” said Sasha. Sasha stepped back but kept hold of Gabby’s hand, reluctant to break contact with her friend.
“I’ll call you later,” said Gabby. “And you’d better pick up, my friend. I love you and there is nothing you can do about it.”
“I know,” said Sasha, still a bit awkward. “I love you, too.”
“ROD Pinky Promise!” Gabby held up her pinky.
“I pinky promise ROD, forever,” said Sasha as she locked pinky fingers. “I mean it this time.”
Gabby nodded and pulled her close. “I’m going to hold you to it. I’m planning to spoil my godson rotten as payback for you dissing me, though. So, get ready.”
Sasha laughed.
They hugged; a long tight hug of love, forgiveness and promise for the future. Sasha smiled as Gabby walked away, her oldest and dearest friend. Her mother, having finally composed herself, came out of the courtroom, clutching her purse in one hand.
“If I wasn’t a God-fearing woman,” said Evangeline Anderson Redmond, grabbing Sasha’s hand, “I would do a methanol flame test and accidently burn the building down with them in it and spit on their ashes.”
“Mama,” said Sasha.
“You know how you had to read about General Sherman burning down Atlanta during the Civil War in one of your history classes?” a
sked Mama, voice hard.
“Yes, Ma’am,” said Sasha.
“I’d make Sherman look like a little boy with a fire cracker if I got hold to those Muppets.”
Sasha burst out laughing.
“Don’t lose your religion, Mama,” said Sasha. “Pray about it. Isn’t that what we are supposed to do?”
They stared at each other for long moments. Both women burst into tear-filled laughter and fell into each other’s arms, crying healing tears. After a few moments they both recovered and stood looking at each other.
“I’m so sorry, baby,” whispered Mama, hugging Sasha fiercely.
“Me, too, Mama,” said Sasha. Mama kissed her temple. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth.”
Her mother nodded, kissed her one last time and released her.
“Let’s go, baby,” she said.
Sasha and her mother emerged from the courthouse into the sunshine.
“I see you don’t need a ride.”
Mama gestured to the side of the building toward the parking lot. Sasha looked up. Suleiman was standing in front of his red Dodge Challenger with Ricky on one hip. They were wearing matching black t-shirts and sneakers with their jeans. Ricky was clutching a mangled red rose in his tiny fist. Suleiman was holding a bouquet of red roses in his free hand. She slowly walked over to them.
“Give Mama the flower,” she heard Suleiman murmur. Ricky balked, babbling his displeasure and clutched the flower to his chest, dislodging a few petals from the hapless rose. Sasha pursed her lips to keep from laughing.
“What are you doing here?” she asked looking up into Suleiman’s eyes.
“I know you said you had to do this by yourself,” said Suleiman, anxiously. He handed her the flowers. “But, I couldn’t…”
She took the flowers in one hand and used her other to put a finger to his lips.
“I know,” she said. “I could feel you; especially you, Suleiman. In there, I was warm. I was protected. Because of you, I never, for one second, felt alone. Thank you.”
Sasha stepped into their arms, the man and the boy who loved her.