His hand brushed down my back.
I stilled, staring down at the bloody gash in my palm. Damon moved around me and stroked my arm and once more silence fell as he cleaned the blood from my hand and rebandaged it. I wiggled my fingers and flexed my hand instead of looking at him even though I could feel the weight of his stare boring through my skull.
“Three weeks ago, you said you’d given up. And now...now what?” he asked softly.
“Now I’m just trying to figure out who I am.” I darted a look up at him and it was enough to make my heart ache. A huge part of me wanted to lean against him and just stay there. Right there, lost in the warmth of his body. I’d felt safe there. I missed it. Needed it.
But I had to remember that I could stand on my own.
Be on my own. I don’t think I’d ever really done it all that well to begin with. It was time to fix that.
“Everything I thought I was, everything I am, it still feels broken, Damon. I have to find me again. Sometimes it feels like I’m coming back, but other times, I remember...” I stopped, looking down at my palm. The silence in the back of my mind was like a mockery. I kept waiting to hear her. Hear that voice...Call me...I am here. I am here.
But she wasn’t.
The bond with my blade was gone and it wasn’t coming back.
Swallowing, I shook my head. “I just need to find out who I am again.”
“And you have to do it without me.”
“I can’t stand on my own if you’re always there to pick me up.” He didn’t have to know that it hurt to say it. Hurt like I was cutting out my heart.
“And when you’re ready to stand on your own?” he whispered.
He was so close. I could feel the heat of him through my clothes. Need, confusion and fear were a morass inside me. I wanted him so much. I needed him like I needed air. But in the back of my mind, I could still hear that mocking laughter and my body hadn’t forgotten that pain, either.
I wanted to rip out my hair, scream, kick something, hit something, break something.
“I don’t know if that’s going to happen,” I said flatly.
“You’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met, baby girl.” He stroked a hand up my back, stopped with it resting high between my shoulders. “You’ll make it happen. You don’t know how to stay down. When you’re ready, I’ll be waiting.”
I looked at him from the corner of my eye. “And what if it takes the rest of my life?”
“I don’t care how long it takes. I’ll wait. I…” He clenched his jaw and went silent. Then, each word coming slowly, he said, “You told me you weren’t ready to hear what I had to say, and that’s fine. I’ll wait for that, too. I’ll wait forever.”
A knot swelled in my throat. Needing to move, I eased away from him.
Silence stretched out and it was awful, awkward and I desperately needed to get out of there.
“Are you going to give me the cat’s name?” I asked softly.
He blew out a breath and I heard the frustration. “We’re back to square one, Kit. I can give you the name, but if you don’t tell me what I want to know about Sam, the second you leave here, I’m going after her and I’ll get it out of her on my own.”
From the corner of my eye, I saw him lift his face to the ceiling, eyes closed while a strange little smile curled his lips. “I’ll be honest, I’d probably have fun with that. Sam’s been a problem for a few months. I’ve been thinking I’d have to curb the problem and there’s no time better than the present.”
Bastard. Fighting dirty was his favorite way. He had no problem using pain or anything else to get what he needed out of people.
It bothered me, though, and he knew it.
Flexing my sore hand, I dropped onto the couch. “I tell you, then you give me the cat’s name. No discussion.”
He slanted a look my way. “I’ll bring him here. The girl can meet him here. I can’t endanger one of my cats. You know that.”
“No. The girl’s scared of this place.” Absently scratching at my arm with my uninjured hand, I muttered, “She’s scared of her own shadow.”
“I’m not having it happen off my land,” he said flatly. “If she’s young, then it’s one of my kids and I’m not risking them getting hurt. Too many of them don’t think for any longer than it takes to eat or get laid and being stupid isn’t a good enough reason to get dead.”
“You think I’d let that happen?”
“Not willingly, but until I know more about the girl, I’m not taking chances. We can find a neutral place…” He cocked his head to the side. “Your office.”
My heart lurched in my chest. Hell, I hadn’t even paid the damn rent in months. “That might not be doable,” I said woodenly. “I haven’t kept up with the place.”
“You can make it doable. We can compromise on this. That’s my compromise. You need neutral ground if you won’t bring her here.” The storms in his eyes darkened. “You know it’s not wise for one of the younger ones to leave clan territory without others from the clan with him, Kit. And he needs somebody else to act as witness. The girl can bring her mother or something and we’ll all sit down like rational adults.”
I curled my lip. “If you plan on coming, who is going to be the rational adult for the kid?”
A faint smile came and went on his face.
Because I didn’t have much choice, I agreed. “But if my office isn’t doable, we find someplace else.” I didn’t even know if I could get in to my office. Five months was a long time to stay away from a place of business. I had a fair landlord, but that fair? I just didn’t know.
“Deal. Now...talk.”
Swiping the back of my hand over my mouth, I surged off the couch and started to pace.
Memories from that night slammed into me. The fight between us. Justin telling me, You can’t let it go so easily—
The jerk wasn’t right often, but when he was right, he was really right.
“Look, this isn’t any big secret,” I said, swiping my uninjured hand down the side of my jeans and shooting him a look. “I said I called here, remember?”
His lashes swept low, shielding his eyes.
“Yes. I thought you weren’t able to reach anybody.” A muscle pulsed in his jaw. “I take it that wasn’t the case.”
“No.” I shrugged jerkily. “I…look, we were over with anyway, right?” I swallowed, jerked a look at him, fast and then I dragged my eyes away. “I’m trying not to be mad about that. Not matter what, you couldn’t always be there, right? And I’m trying not to be angry that.”
A snarl ripped out of him. “You’re trying not to be angry?”
I shot him a look. “Damon—”
His eyes glowed, savage and hot. “I am angry.” He went to take a step forward and my breath caught. A look of pure hell crawled across his face and he turned away. “You go ahead. Try not to be angry. I’m pissed enough for both of us. I should have been there.”
“But we were over.” I shook my head. I didn’t want to be angry about this. I was so tired of being angry. Of being afraid.
“Kit…just tell me what you need to tell me.”
Okay, maybe I wasn’t as tired of being angry as I thought. “Just tell you.” It ripped out of me and I slammed my fist down as I fought not to yell, as the rage bubbled and brewed inside. “Fine. I’ll fucking tell you. Sam gave me your message. One fight, Damon.”
He stared at me and my skin burned under that gaze.
One fight, damn it. We had one serious fight and he walked? “I don’t get it, Damon, okay? I know I’m still fucked up over everything and I’m going to be for a long, long time. I wanted to tell you what was going on, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t tell you, I couldn’t write you a fucking note, I couldn’t even think about it thanks to that fucking spell Justin put on me.”
Oh, yeah. I wanted to be angry, all right. I’d lied. Or maybe I just hadn’t realized.
The rage inside me pulsed in the air. I could feel it. Sucki
ng in a breath, I tried to calm my breathing and I made the mistake of looking at him. His eyes glowed, that eerie glow, rolling from gray to green-gold and back. That was all, the only sign he felt anything, but it was enough.
“What the fuck, Damon!” I shouted. “We had one fight and all of a sudden you won’t even talk to me? One damn fight and you don’t want me anymore? You have that bitch Sam passing on your messages to me?”
The tension ratcheted up in the room, swelling hotter, tighter. Choking the oxygen out of the room until I couldn’t even breathe. “Kit…” His voice was ragged.
I didn’t care. Whirling around, I glared at him. “One fucking fight. You said you loved me and that’s how you showed it?”
There was even more rage inside me than I had realized and now it was ready to explode out.
He dodged and I didn’t even realize why until a knife was vibrating in the wall behind him.
Missed—
I’d missed…
Useless waste, an ugly, hated voice whispered from the depths of my memory. “Shut up!” I screamed. I reached out for something else—the only thing that came to hand was the first aid kit, but I hurled it too. It smashed into his chest, the box a ruined mess, the contents spilling out all over the floor. Before I could grab something else, Damon caught my wrists.
“Kit,” he whispered. “Stop…just stop.”
I jerked back away from him, but he didn’t let go. “Get the fuck off me.”
But he didn’t even seem to hear me. He let go of my wrists and shoved his hands into my hair, tugging my face back and forcing me to look at him. His eyes, glowing and burning, stared down at me. “Kit…” His voice came in hard, uneven pants, like he’d just run a hundred miles. “Kit, I never gave anybody any message.”
I stared at him and for a moment, the words just didn’t connect.
And then, abruptly…they did.
Chapter Eight
Sam entered Damon’s chambers looking just as cocky as she had the first day I’d met her.
Just as cocky, but not quite so elegant with it. That first time, she’d been wearing all black. Black pants that clung to her like they’d been painted on her lush body. A leather corset.
Her long dark hair was pulled back in the same ponytail, leaving the flawless lines of her face unframed.
But instead of the Dominatrix-in-training garb, she was wearing the kind of clinging cotton pants I’d wear to work out in, and a close-fitting black shirt that looked like it was both sport bra and tank in one.
She’d healed from her sparring session earlier. That was nice. I wanted to bloody her again, all by myself.
I never gave anybody any message,
Bloody her? Screw that. I wanted to take her damned head off.
Damon was standing just a few feet away from me and the heated energy I’d felt from him all this time was gone, sucked inside him. I felt nothing—he was giving off about as much as Chang did. That in and of itself was scary.
Sam stood a few feet away, flicking a bored look at me before acknowledging Damon. The look that danced in her eyes was one I recognized. I’d seen it before. Damon was hot. Women wanted him. Some of the men did. But most people tried to least cover it or be a little more discreet.
She didn’t, although she did do the nice, submissive little cat thing, clasping her hands in front of her and lowering her head a bit. If I had my blade…
“Want to tell me why you decided it was okay for you to speak for me, Sam?” Damon asked, his voice all silky menace and deadly promise. I knew that tone. If she was smart, she’d get scared. Fast. Like as in yesterday.
“Sir?”
I knew how swift he was. I’d seen evidence of it. But it still caught me by surprise—especially when the threat wasn’t aimed at me. I sensed the blur of movement, but that was the only warning I had.
And to be honest, I was more concerned about Sam. Ugly hate glittered in her eyes and I was ready to move, to act or react. . I didn’t have my bow. But I had my gun—
No.
No, I didn’t.
Stunned, I saw my Desert Eagle in Damon’s hand. And it looked a hell of a lot more at home in his than mine.
How in the hell—?
Swallowing, I followed the line of his aim and saw that it was leveled at Sam’s gut.
She was no longer staring at me with hate. She was watching him. And that cocky-ass attitude was gone. Caution showed in her eyes, finally. “Damon, I—”
“It’s not Damon to you,” he said. “It’s sir, it’s Alpha. It’s anything but Damon. Now I asked a question and if you don’t answer it, I pull the trigger. If I know anything about Kit, she’s loaded this with silver, so when I empty it into your belly, it’s going to hurt.”
She went white. “Alpha, I was only trying to help. I heard you talking to Chang and I—”
He fired and she went down with an eerie, inhuman scream. The scent of her blood flooded the air.
“I’m asking again,” Damon said, his voice flat. “And I’m now pissed off that you think you’ve got the right to listen in when I speak with my adviser.”
“I just overhead you tell him you didn’t want to talk about the silly bitch,” Sam said, her voice a pathetic whine. She writhed on the floor and slammed her head against it as the poison ate its way through her system.
Damon hadn’t been wrong. The Eagle had been loaded with silver-wrapped ammo. She was lucky I hadn’t loaded it with magically charged bullets. I’d considered it but thought it might be overkill.
He studied her for a minute and then, quicker than a snake, shoved his free hand against her belly, pressed against the open wound. She screamed and reached down, clutching at his hand. Bile churned in my throat, but I said nothing.
“Please,” she whimpered. “Please...call Ella, please, Da...Alpha, please call Ella.”
“No. And if you call Kit one more name, I’m going to rip your throat out. You can bleed to death for all I care,” he said. He added more weight—I could see the muscles bulging in his arm as he applied pressure.
She puked. The rancid, foul odor wrapped around us, adding to the miasma of blood, fear, pain. The stench triggered memories and I had to dig my nails into my palm to stay grounded. Focus...just focus, Kit...
Scent is a strong trigger and I’d spent a lot of time wrapped in the stink of my own blood, fear and pain. But I wasn’t letting this shove me back there.
As her retching passed, Sam moaned. “I need Ella...get this silver out me, Alpha...please—” She shrieked and spasmed.
A wet, meaty sound filled the air. Closing my eyes, I said, “Damon, if you plan on torturing her, can you do it later?”
“Be quiet, Kit.” His voice was impassive. “She violated my trust. She lied. Stepping out of line like that endangers the pack—Sam’s a soldier, she knows that. She endangered the pack when she decided she’d speak for me.”
Slowly, he lifted his head and stared at me. “And fuck all of that—she endangered you.” He shifted his attention back to her and twisted his wrist. Sam screamed. “I want to know why.”
I forced myself to watch. I wasn’t going to be stupid enough to blame myself for this���I had enough shit in my head and I didn’t need to add to it, but this was all about me. And Damon.
Crossing the floor, I stood beside them, keeping my boots out of the ever-spreading pool of blood. “I already know the damn answer, Damon.” I held out my hand for the gun. He didn’t need it to hurt her and I’d rather he not use it for whatever else he had planned. He slid me a look and then turned it over. I stayed out of her reach. Wounded or not, she was still a shifter and faster, stronger than me.
“In case you haven’t noticed, Damon, she wants in your pants. How much that has to do with this, I don’t know. But she also hates me.” I stared at Sam, saw the way her energy flickered around her. “Somehow she heard we’d broken up and she wanted to make sure it stayed that way, so when I called, she took her shot.”
“I
want the answer from her,” Damon said quietly.
“And she’s going to lay there, whining like a little girl and begging for help,” I pointed out. I eyed the nasty mess of her belly. “Are you going to call her a healer?”
“No.” He rose to his feet, blood dripping from one hand. “If I’d talked to you—”
The muscles in his arms bulged and I could all but taste the violence coming off him. “No ifs, Damon. It’s already done.”
Staring down at Sam’s face, I wondered if she realized. And in the depths of her eyes, I saw the answer. She realized what a difference it might have made. And she didn’t care. And worse, I saw the hatred there…this woman would see me dead if she could.
“You went through and cleaned house, Damon, but you missed some of the dirt,” I said quietly. “This bitch is evil. I wouldn’t trust her at my back.”
“A fact I’ve figured out myself.” A grim, ugly smile curled his lips as he stared down at her. “She’s going to really regret that fact in a while. She’ll be begging for a quick death.”
I eyed him narrowly and then looked back down at Sam.
He tried to stop me, but by the time he realized what I was going to do, I’d already pulled the trigger. He’s fast, but it doesn’t take much time for me to aim and squeeze.
Sam’s scream cut off abruptly and I looked up and met his gaze. I suppose I could have let him kill her. Could have let him torture her. But now, every time I thought about the fact that her lie might have contributed to my hell up in the mountains, I could look back at this.
It was some small piece of myself that I’d taken back. Maybe not a big piece, but a piece nonetheless.
* * * *
As Damon’s people came inside to deal with the body, I left the main room. It didn’t occur to me to ask if it was okay as I pushed through the door that led to his private area. Maybe that should tell me something; I don’t know. Nobody had access to his personal space.
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