by Natalie Grey
“No, I remember.” She was smiling, too, now. She settled back with her arms over her chest, and bit her lip. “The ones I was there for, anyway. So it doesn’t go away, then.”
“Not entirely. Look, whether you lead or not, you’re going to fuck up. That’s just how it is. We’ve all missed shots. We’ve all made wrong calls. When you’re a leader, you get better at knowing when to trust your gut—”
“Because you have to,” Nyx said bluntly.
“Yeah. Because you have to. God, do you know how much I beat myself up when one of you got hurt? Or when….”
“Don’t.” She knew what he was thinking. “I won’t let you carry a second of guilt for that mission.”
“Easy for you to say.”
“Yeah, because I was there when we all chose to come with you.”
“Then remember that with your own team,” he said seriously. “Dragons can walk anytime, it’s not like the Navy. If they felt unsafe, if they felt like you weren’t leading them well—they’d not only tell you, they’d leave. None of them have done that.”
“How do you know? Have you been keeping tabs on me?”
“I might have.” He cast a look over his shoulder. “I have a rather creative … associate.”
“Is that your way of saying that Tera brings out the worst in you?”
“I’m not going to answer that. And might I add—another example of my instincts not being entirely useful.” He leaned forward, his smile fading. “Look, if you want to know the deal, I’ll tell you.”
“With leading Dragons?”
“That’s the one. I’ve come to a conclusion over the years. Saw a few of my teammates get picked to head their own teams, and I’ve noticed something. It’s different to lead, but there’s more than that: the people they pick to evaluate are the ones who are making a big choice at the time.”
Nyx frowned.
“I … shouldn’t say more.” Talon’s voice was soft. “Look. I’m coming back to run this team. It’s who I am. If I had to guess about you—well, never mind. I won’t muddy the waters. What you’re doing here isn’t just a show for the rest of them back at headquarters, it’s for you. You’re making a choice here. It has nothing to do with whether or not you can lead, it has to do with…well, again, I shouldn’t say.”
“That’s a dangerous game,” Nyx murmured. “On their part, I mean.”
“No. They know you well enough to know you can do this. I’ll square with you: the test is for you, Alvarez.”
“Right.” Nyx sighed and leaned her head back.
“Remember to lean on your team.”
“I will.”
“I mean really. You can let them go in first sometimes. They’re not delicate flowers.”
“Right.”
“And are you going to tell me who you’re in love with, or not?”
“What?” Her face flamed. “I’m not—it isn’t—oh, hell.” She pillowed her head on her arms in defeat.
“Uh-huh.” Talon’s voice was smug. “So who is it? Not any of the guys, obviously.”
Nyx debated whether or not to tell him.
“Did I ever tell you about Kiran?” she asked finally.
“Your friend. You said he died?”
“He did. Asked me to look after his little sister.”
Talon gave a snort of laughter.
“Hey!”
“That’s, uh….” He was trying desperately to keep from laughing. “So you’re…you took that one pretty seriously. Going above and beyond, don’t you think?”
“Shut up.”
“Ah, come on. You know how bad I fucked up.” He sobered. “So that’ll be part of this, then.”
“What will?” She looked up at him, frowning.
“You want to protect her.”
“I want to,” Nyx said, her voice raw. “But she’s caught up in this somehow and I don’t know—”
“Trust your gut,” Talon said softly, and she heard everything there: the love that he, consummate soldier that he was, hadn’t been able to deny; the remembered pain of realizing that Tera had been working against him; ordering her death…
…And disregarding his own order.
Of all the people Nyx could tell to shut their mouth because they didn’t understand … Talon wasn’t one of them.
“Does it help?” she asked finally. “Trusting your gut, I mean.”
“Yes and no.” There was a certain pity in his face. “It’ll lead you to the truth. And knowing the truth can be….”
He didn’t have to finish the sentence.
“Yeah,” Nyx said. “Yeah.” She turned her head away so he couldn’t see the sheen of tears in her eyes, but she knew he saw her fear. And he didn’t offer her any false reassurances.
“Be honest with yourself,” he told her quietly. “Not understanding how hard you’ve fallen just makes the hit worse. Be honest with yourself. And if you can…be honest with her, too.”
30
Mala twisted the screw as far as it would go and surveyed her handiwork. The whole mess would need to be tightened up further than any human arm could work it—there wasn’t any room for error in space—but by and large, the shuttle was in much better repair than it had been just an hour ago.
She felt calmer as well. She’d come down to the shuttle bay with the hope that no one would find her here, and that if worse came to worst, she could steal the shuttle and run away. She wasn’t really planning to, of course, as she would hardly deprive the Ariane of its primary shuttle, but knowing she could helped a great deal. And then she’d seen the carbon scoring and the components that had been knocked loose since the last mission, and she decided she might as well fix something.
It helped, in that it gave her something productive to do while the rush of adrenaline left her veins, but in its wake was the growing sense that she’d messed everything up. She wouldn’t hold the events of a few years ago against herself—she’d had no way to know how her choices would turn out—but she hadn’t been at her best while yelling at Nyx, either.
Her head came up at the sound of footsteps behind her. She knew who that was without even looking. The air felt charged, her heartbeat speeding as she turned. She surveyed the other woman, frowning. Nyx was standing still, very still. Her face was paler than Mala had ever seen it.
“Melissa?”
“I….” The Dragon swallowed. “Okay, just let me get this out. This is hard to say.”
Mala hesitated, then nodded.
“You don’t understand,” Nyx said softly, “just how much Kiran meant to me. I know that’s unfair. I do. He was your brother. I know. But … look, when they talk about soul mates, it’s always supposed to be some romantic thing. For us, it wasn’t. He was like my other half. I would have walked through fire for him, Mala. I would have done anything for him.
“I know he was an ass sometimes.” She shook her head. “He could make me furious. I could make him furious. But we would have died for one another. It took me two years to get over the fact that I couldn’t save his life.” There were tears standing out in her eyes.
“Melissa—”
“Please. I need to—” She looked away and wiped at her eyes. “I didn’t take that promise lightly when I made it. I know it pissed you off. I know in a way, I had no right to promise him that. But when I tell you that I would have done anything for him, that he was like the other half of my heart … Mala, he loved you so much. I could never have denied him that comfort.
“And once I made that promise, I couldn’t just go back on it. You don’t know me well, we never got a chance to know each other well, but promises are everything to me—honor is everything to me. To be a Dragon is to devote your whole life to protecting people. It felt right that I was looking out for you, even though I guess I didn’t do a very good job.”
“You saved my life,” Mala whispered, before she could stop herself.
“I didn’t do enough.” Nyx shook her head. “Because if I had…. Mala, you go
t tortured. Those chairs—I’ve seen them before. I know what they do. You got tortured, and I wasn’t looking out for you enough to stop that. That kills me. I see that part of the world all the time, parts of life that no one should see, and I never wanted you to see that. So what I said, back in my rooms? I dedicated my whole life to making sure that no one has to see things like that, and you’re not just anyone, Mala.”
Something in her released, and Mala let out a deep breath. “I know.”
“So do you see?” Nyx was shaking her head. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I don’t mean to hurt you. That’s why … well, that’s why this is a bad idea.”
“This?” Mala shook her head. Then she felt her stomach twist. “Us, you mean.”
“There can’t be an—look. You know what it is to be a Dragon. You’ve seen some of it. I can’t just walk away, and you’ll know that I’m out there in danger. I can’t promise I won’t be. I can’t promise I won’t be under fire because I will be. All the time.”
Mala swallowed, looking away.
“And that’s all right,” Nyx tried. “I don’t think we’re right for each other anyway.”
“No?” Her voice was bitter and she did not care.
“Mala, I don’t know what civilian life will be like for me when I retire. I don’t know if I’ll have it in me to stay in one place. You’ve climbed so far up the ladder, you’ve made a real home on Seneca and I want you to have that. I want you to have everything you’ve earned: nice restaurants, nice clothes. Safe apartment.”
“But I don’t want that,” Mala said, before she could stop herself. “I don’t. I feel like I’m dying on Seneca. I don’t want the job, I don’t want the money. I want someone who makes the world come alive again. I want someone who doesn’t care if I’m from Dobrevi, or if I work on engines in my spare time. I want someone who makes my heart turn over, and there’s only one person in this world that does that.”
Nyx shook her head again—a little desperately, Mala thought. “I can’t give you what I want you to have. You deserve much, much more than that. And I swore….” Her voice broke. “You know the promise I made.”
“But I’m not that girl anymore,” Mala said softly. “I’m me. Now. I grew up, Nyx. You don’t need to protect me.”
“I do. And not just for Kiran.” Nyx’s voice broke. “I want to see you happy. Every day. For always. Being with me … won’t do that.” She turned, walking quickly for the door.
“Nyx—Melissa.”
The other woman paused.
“Just one thing.”
A pause. Then: “Yes?” Nyx did not look at her.
“Please. Please look at me.” Mala walked toward her slowly. “Please.”
The brown eyes met hers at last. She shook her head, but Mala did not stop. She walked forward, arms stretching out, and though Nyx did not move toward her, she did not move away, either. When Mala kissed her, her eyes drifted closed.
“We can’t.” Her voice was a breath.
“We can,” Mala told her.
31
Mala smelled of engine grease and Nyx’s soap. Her hair was straggling down from its quick braid, catching the dim light of the shuttle bay, and Nyx knew they shouldn’t be doing this, knew Kiran would be horrified, but it had been so long since she wanted someone that she had forgotten just how sweet desire could be. The kiss deepened, Mala’s hands pulling her close, and Nyx felt the last dregs of her self-control melt away.
They were on the floor of the shuttle bay the next moment, Mala shoving tools out of their way and pulling Nyx down, giving a wince of pain and then laughing as her head hit a wrench. They pause, eyes searching one another’s, and Nyx listened for the sound of footsteps in the hallways. There was nothing, and Mala lifted her head to close the gap between them. Her lips were soft, back arching to meet Nyx’s body.
“Please?”
It was that please that broke her. Nyx had known Talon was correct. She needed to be honest with herself, and honesty had told her just how much she wanted this woman … and just how little either of them could afford to fall for the other.
She’d meant every word she said. Mala shouldn’t be a Dragon’s lover, waiting and worrying at home. Mala should have someone with her every night, a home to go back to, a wife to smile at over dinner. Nyx believed that with all her heart. The only thing she hadn’t said, for fear she’d learn the truth from Mala’s own lips, was that she could not afford to fall for this woman while knowing that Mala might well be a smuggler in her own right.
But: please. All of her questions melted away, and Nyx kissed her, remembering the flare of yearning in Mala’s eyes. Kissed her, and drew in her breath sharply when Mala’s hands skimmed under the tank top she wore, dragging it up. She sat up, biting her lip as Mala lifted the shirt over her head, and returned the favor. Too many clothes; fingers fumbled with belts and buttons, and Mala gave a little gasp as her bare skin touched the cold floor.
And then she was naked, and absolutely perfect, and Nyx shook her head with a laugh.
“What?”
“Oh, I’m going to hell.” Nyx kissed her, rolling, pulling Mala on top of her. The touch of skin against skin was intoxicating. “My best friend’s little sister? I’m definitely going to hell.”
“You know I’m only a few years younger than you, right?” Mala was laughing against her mouth. “And if you keep saying things like that, I’m going to have to distract you.”
“Oh? How—oh, my God.” The touch of Mala’s fingers made Nyx arch, and she caught her breath. “Mala—”
“Mmm?” Mala was grinning, Nyx could hear it in her voice. “I should have done this sooner. I like having you completely at my mercy.”
“At your mercy?” Nyx turned quickly, reflexes honed, and grinned down at the woman she now held pinned on the floor, wrists over her head. “Did I hear you correctly?”
Mala yanked at her wrists, trying to squirm away, but she was grinning.
“I said, did I hear correctly?” Nyx grinned and lowered her head for a kiss. “Did you just say you had me at your mercy?”
“I, uh…. I might have.”
“Well, I think I may need to show you just how wrong you were.” Nyx breathed the words in her ear. She kissed Mala again, feeling the tension go out of her arms as the other woman melted, and broke away to touch her lips to the pale line of Mala’s throat. Her tongue dragged along the line of a collarbone, kissed the woman’s shoulder, and Mala gave a little sigh of desire.
Someone really needed to tell her not to make those noises; they were driving Nyx crazy. She let the other woman free, but her mouth did not stop moving. She let her tongue circle around one nipple before taking it in her mouth, smiling as Mala gasped and arched, and then her fingers were between the other woman’s legs.
The image, when it came into her head, was at once startling and far too familiar: Mala in the bed of Nyx’s apartment on New Arizona, pale skin shining against dark blue sheets, her head thrown back and her hand over her mouth to stifle her cries. Nyx could see her sleeping in that bed, leaning sleepily against the wall of the kitchen as coffee brewed, curling up on the couch to read something.
Domesticity had always frightened Nyx—a home, in her mind, held nothing of the passion and dedication she brought to her work. But with the thought of Mala there, with the thought of someone to make her laugh, check her bruises, nestle against her as they fell asleep….
Suddenly the idea of a home didn’t seem quite so hollow or so stifling.
And God knew, Mala’s desperate attempts to be quiet wouldn’t get old anytime soon. Nyx smiled and kissed the soft skin of her stomach, kissing down, down, bestowing one last kiss on a hipbone—she wanted to kiss everything, from the faint curve of Mala’s hips to the hollow in the small of her back—and then she parted Mala’s legs and lowered her mouth, eyes drifting closed in satisfaction when she heard Mala cry out.
The buzz of the comm jerked them both back to reality and Mala pushed herself u
p on her elbows, eyes wide. Nyx grabbed at it with one hand, flipping it on.
“I’ll be there in a minute.”
“Er…” What Tersi heard in her voice, she wasn’t sure, but she could hear amusement in his. “Aye aye, boss.” The line went dead.
“I’ll, uh…” Mala was pushing herself up.
“Oh, no, you don’t.” Nyx pushed her back down.
“But don’t you have to—” Mala’s words broke off in a moan. She drew in a shuddering breath as Nyx’s mouth moved on her. “Don’t you have to…”
Nyx smiled as the voice trailed away. Mala’s fingers tangled in her hair, the other hand over her own mouth to stifle her moans. Her hips were moving, and when Nyx stole a glance, she saw that the other woman’s eyes had drifted closed. She was on the edge, urgency in the arch of her back, her fingers clenching in Nyx’s hair.
They both heard the footsteps at the same time, boots on the metal grating of the stairs, and Mala’s eyes flew open. She tried to sit up, looking desperately for her clothes, but Nyx pulled her back. Her mouth came down on Mala’s, fingers bringing the other woman over the edge and Nyx savoring the feel of her pleasure. Only when it was over, Mala’s eyes still dazed, did she help her up and behind the shuttle, grabbing their clothes. They pulled on tank tops and pants hastily, laughing silently as the footsteps came around the door.
“Commander?”
“I’ll be right there,” Nyx called. She put one finger over Mala’s lips for silence, and then pinned her against the side of the shuttle for another kiss. “This isn’t over,” she murmured.
Fingers slid beneath the waistband of her pants, and Mala kissed her back. “Definitely not.”
With a stifled laugh, Nyx checked her hair and made her way out onto the deck to join Loki. If he noticed the faint flush in her cheeks and the way her pulse was pounding, he made no mention of it, but she thought she saw the hint of a smile.