by Lily Zante
“You probably have all those things in your place?” Harper asks Callum suddenly.
“In one of my houses.”
I shift in my seat.
“In one of your houses? How many do you have?” Harper the Fangirl asks.
Callum scratches his ear and seems hesitant to reply. This takes me by surprise, he’s being careful with what he says. He’s being careful on account of me. I know this, but I don’t know how I know it. “A couple.”
Harper’s eyes widen. She’s trying to rein her excitement in and failing. “A couple? Where?”
Callum winces. “Here and there.”
“Leave the guy alone,” my brother says, with a grin. It strikes me that Elias is a lot more relaxed these days. Come to think of it, he’s been jovial and relaxed for a long time now. Clearly, his counseling sessions are helping him.
“Do you have a private jet?” Harper asks. I hang my head, in fact, I have the strong urge to bang it on the table.
“You bought a jet?” Elias asks.
“Not me. I know a lot of people who move from houses, to buying yachts and planes, but I’m not one of them.”
I play around with the taco in my plate, while Elias and Harper grill Callum on his movie star lifestyle. It’s more Harper than Elias, but listening to them all talking it quickly becomes obvious to me that Elias likes Callum. Harper liked him from the start, but I can tell that Callum has wormed his way into my brother’s good books.
I despise this fact.
“Your life must have changed drastically since the win?” Callum asks.
Elias nods. “You have no idea.”
Harper is all smiles. “He’s handling the fame better than I thought he would.”
“That shit takes time to get used to,” Elias mumbles. “I’m not sure I’ll ever like it.”
“I read somewhere that you’ve lived in foster homes before. You were at Grampton House for a while, here in Chicago.”
“Oh, right, we were talking about that before the conversation side tracked,” says Elias.
Thanks, Callum. Thanks a hell of a lot.
“We were at that place.” Elias’s reply is short, thankfully. I wish the floor would open and suck me up. It’s pin-drop quiet again. Then Harper puts her hand over Elias’s. “It’s all good now though,” she says softly.
My brother nods. “Harper helped me. Talking about it to her and getting therapy helped.”
“You’re getting therapy?” Callum asks. I look up. Callum appears surprised, and then he looks embarrassed. “That’s cool. It’s not something I realized about you.”
“I don’t tell the press all my business. And I pay my therapist good money to keep the news quiet.”
“She wouldn’t say anything anyway,” I point out. “There is such a thing as patient confidentiality.”
“Is that what your therapist told you?” Elias says jokingly. He’s trying to be funny, but it still hurts. Not because I have a therapist—I don’t right now—but that he can suddenly make jokes about our past.
“You have a therapist?” Harper echoes.
“No I don’t.” I’m so freaking pissed off now that my voice is hard, like lead. I force a smile. “It’s obviously helping you,” I reply to Elias. My brother lifts his napkin to his lips, before pointing it at me. “Having a therapist has helped me deal with all that shit we went through.”
My muscles tighten. If I could close my ears and not hear this, I would. His voice is calm, his expression peaceful. That pent up hatred fueled his fighting, and now I worry that he won’t be tough enough mentally to fight against Garrison. I’m worried that he’s lost his edge. He has suffered the most horrific abuse and at such a young age, but you would never think so looking at him now.
He could never talk about it before. Would never talk about it. We had a code, he and I. We never spoke about our past. And here he is, sitting with a world-famous star and telling him everything.
I force myself to take long, slow breaths because I can’t listen to this and pretend to be calm.
Let it go.
I’ve been trying to, but these three are suddenly best friends. The more they talk, the more I retreat into myself.
“Dennis Swain.” Elias smiles as he looks at us in turn. “See, I can even say his name without putting a hole in the wall.”
Elias said that name without flinching. My chest tightens. Like someone just skewered my coronary arteries. Soon I’m going to stop breathing. Or bleed out.
Their voices fade away, and all I can hear is the pounding of my heart. I place my hand on the table to steady myself and I accidentally knock my glass over. Luckily it’s empty.
“What’s the matter with you today, Butter Fingers?” Elias asks. I set it on its base again and when I look up three pairs of eyes are staring at me. I fan my face. “Excuse me. I don’t feel too good.”
I rush out and head for the washroom.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
CALLUM
* * *
Nina hasn’t been interested in this conversation much, and she’s been looking down at her plate and eating quietly. I’ve sensed her uneasiness the whole evening and it’s because of me. If anyone should be feeling uneasy, it should be me.
Elias has been a good host, and tonight he’s been really easy to get on with, but I’m certain that Harper is a steadying influence on him. He’s a wild card, and I never know quite when his mood might turn.
When Nina suddenly gets up and leaves the table, I’m torn between running after her, and staying here, listening to Elias. Luckily, Harper gets up, beating me to it, and then Elias continues, talking about his past, how difficult it was to fit in with new families, and schools, and not feeling as if he really belonged anywhere.
When he talks about his stay at the children’s home, he thankfully doesn’t give any specifics. I don’t want to hear about the details. Reading about a seven year old child being abused was bad enough.
For me, his winning the heavyweight title the way he did is nothing short of a miracle. He overcame the horrors and became a champion. His victory is well-earned; a well-deserved crowning glory given the ugliness of his past. I don’t know if I admired Cardoza more when he won the fight, or after I read about his troubled past.
I’m simply honoured that he’s allowed me into his inner circle, because that’s what this is, given that I am in his apartment, having dinner with the man, and the people closest to him. I feel lucky to be here.
Harper comes back, and lifts her glass of wine. “She’s okay.”
Elias puts down his glass of water. “She needs to slow down and chew her food.”
“She seems to be in rush,” muses Harper. “Has she got a class tonight?”
“Not tonight.” They both look at me as if I’ve said something completely inappropriate.
“How would you know?” Harper asks, smiling.
“I overheard her talking at the diner,” I mumble.
Elias stares at me. “That would freak Nina out, you knowing her night school timetable.”
“He didn’t say he knows her timetable, Eli.” Harper squeezes his hand. “Leave the guy alone.” Something about the way she says it tells me that they’ve been talking about things. About Nina and me, maybe. It’s a hunch. Or maybe it’s wishful thinking on my part.
“I appreciate you inviting me to your home,” I say, “you have a huge fight ahead of you and you have a lot going on at the moment.”
“Glad to help, though Harper kept going on at me and I figured this was the only way to shut her up.” He says it with a smile, while Harper shakes her head and takes another sip of her wine.
I nod. “But I appreciate you talking about your past.”
“You never forget the things that were done to you,” says Eli slowly. “I thought I had pushed them away, thought I’d blocked them out. Thought I’d forgotten them, but as soon as I started to talk about them, they came back, like they were new, like I was going through that shit all over again.”
“You’re not going through it all over again, you’re dealing with it, accepting it and putting it to bed forever,” Harper tells him. She leans in and kisses his face. I catch his expression and in that second, it’s unguarded. There’s something sad about it. I feel as if I’m eavesdropping on a private conversation. “I promise it won’t go anywhere,” I tell him, in case he’s worried. I know what it’s like to trust people and have that trust betrayed.
Elias swats his hand in the air. “I don’t care about that. My past is now out in the open. I can handle it. It’s when that stuff is inside you, when it’s a dirty little secret that’s gnawing at you, that’s the cancer. It eats and eats and eats away at you.”
“Well, I appreciate you being so open.” I get up. “I should go and check on Nina.” I don’t fail to miss the look of surprise on Harper’s face.
“She feels guilty,” Elias says in a low voice. He doesn’t look at either of us.
“Guilty?” I ask.
“She fell to pieces when she heard what happened to Eli when they were kids,” Harper explains.
This is a surprise to me. “She didn’t know?”
“She found out when this asshole at my last workplace printed it without me knowing. That’s when the world found out. Gerry was such a jerk.”
Elias clutches his glass so tightly that his knuckles are white. I’m worried that he might break the glass. “Nina didn’t know about that shit. It broke her. She always tried to protect me. She’s always taken on the mom role, wherever we were, at the children’s home or a new foster home. She’s only a year older than me.”
“The washroom’s down the hallway,” says Harper, “The last door on the right.”
I head in that direction, but I don’t need to walk far because I find Nina leaning against the wall. Her eyes are shut, and she’s breathing heavily.
“Hey,” I rush over to her side. This startles her, and her eyes fly wide open. She stands up straight. Her sleeves are rolled up slightly, and I wonder if she’s been sick. That’s when I see them. Scars, red, and ruler-straight. I’ve caught her unexpectedly. I’ve seen something she didn’t want me to see. She pulls her sleeves down.
I’m too shocked to speak. Now I understand. The muscle along her jaw twitches. She hates me more than ever now because I’ve seen something she never wanted me to see. A new realization dawns on me. Guilt. That’s the poison that’s killing Nina slowly. She feels this much guilt for what happened to her brother.
“Nina,” the word hangs in the air, as she marches off, back towards the kitchen.
I follow her back to the others, but I’m unsure how to be and how to react. I don’t know what to say. She sits back at the table, and lifts her glass of water to her lips. “It must have been something I ate yesterday,” she says.
“Coming back to what you were saying.” Elias wipes his hands, then clasps them together, under his chin, as if he’s thinking about something. “It’s not that you ever forget. I’ll never forget my past, there are things that will haunt me, but I’ve learned to deal with them.” His voice doesn’t waver, but it sounds oddly off, and when he takes Harper’s hand and she clasps it, I sense that this man is still dealing with his demons despite the composed exterior that’s on view for everyone to see. “This woman has been a great help.” Harper lifts his hand and kisses it.
“You have,” Elias says softly. This is a private moment between them but I’m also acutely aware that Nina hasn’t picked up her cutlery and resumed eating. We are two gooseberries, who happen to be sitting opposite Harper and Elias, but now I’m also deeply mindful of how Elias’s past has affected his sister.
“Talking is important,” says Elias, clearing his throat. “I kept that stuff inside me, and it wasn’t until I started telling Harper, that it dislodged, and started to come loose.”
“She convinced me to get therapy.”
Nina makes a sound and we all turn to look at her.
“I told you about that,” says Elias.
“You did,” Nina replies, but her face is still pale.
I want to change the subject, but I don’t know how to without sounding rude to Elias, yet it is Nina I’m concerned about. She coughs, and it suddenly turns into something bigger, louder, that goes on. I get up, and move over to her, and I’m about to give her the Heimlich maneuver when she pushes back on her chair, elbowing me in the balls. I’m not sure if that was deliberate or a mistake. She flaps her hand about as if she’s struggling to breathe. I’m flailing around in pain. My balls are on fire but I’m trying to act cool, and I’m still debating whether to do the maneuver since she’s still coughing.
“Did it go down the wrong pipe?” Harper asks, and starts to refill Nina’s glass with water. “You look like you’re going to be sick.”
“I think…I think…” Nina coughs. “… it went down the wrong pipe.” She takes a huge sip of water.
“What is up with you tonight?” Elias asks, his brow furrowing.
“I shouldn’t have come tonight. I have a ton of work to do. I need to go. Thanks for dinner,” she announces suddenly rising from her chair.
“At least finish your food,” Elias tells her. “You’ve barely touched it.”
“She’s not feeling well,” Harper says.
Nina coughs lightly. “I’ve lost my appetite.”
“I should go too,” I say. They can’t blame me for not eating. I polished off everything on my plate and had second helpings. I can’t let Nina leave like this. It’s not that I need answers, I’m genuinely worried about her. This is another first for me. How can I care so much when I barely know this woman?
“Don’t you want to see the old fights?” Elias asks. “I was going to show you some key punches and moves. It would add some realism to your fighting scenes.”
That would have been great but I’ve made my mind up. I can’t let Nina leave alone. She catches me staring at her. “You should watch those fights,” she says, getting her jacket and bag together.
“We could get a cab back together,” I offer, even though it sounds pathetic because we’re on opposite sides of the city.
“That’s a good idea,” says Harper.
“Watch the fights,” Nina insists.
“But then again,” Harper puts her arm around Elias’s waist and leans in towards him. “We could skip the boxing fights tonight.”
Elias runs a hand through his hair. “It was only a suggestion. Maybe another time.”
“That would be great,” I answer. I’m genuinely humbled by his willingness to spend some time with me. “But, I’ve taken up enough of your time tonight. Thanks for dinner. It’s been great.” I take my cell phone out and call an Uber.
Nina looks pissed off. “You don’t have your disguises on you.”
“Disguises?” Harper asks.
“He has to wear a disguise otherwise he can’t go out. Such is the price of fame,” she mutters.
“How do you know?” Elias asks her.
“It’s surprising what you find out when you have to deliver takeout to set every single day.”
Harper’s grinning at me.
“I like their food,” I say with a shrug. “Five minutes?” I say to the guy at the other end of my phone.
“We live in opposite directions,” Nina protests. I can hear the undercurrent of anger in her voice, but I know what I’ve seen. She wants me to get lost, but she can’t push me away that fast.
“That’s not a problem,” I reply. “It should be here in a matter of minutes.”
She’s running from something.
She’s hiding something and, worse than that, she’s hurting, and no one knows. Despite how close they’re supposed to be, I’m certain that Elias has no idea about what’s going on with Nina.
“Thanks for dinner.” She leans in and kisses Harper on the cheek, then her brother, and when she turns around to look at me all I get is a hardened stare, full of loathing and disgust. She makes me wish I hadn’t come tonight
. “I don’t get a kiss?” I ask, and put on a smile I don’t feel. It’s supposed to ease the tension coming off Nina in waves, but it serves only to heighten it.
From my peripheral vision, I can almost see Harper grinning.
Nina doesn’t even bother to reply.
“Aren’t you both getting a cab together?” Harper asks. Nina is out of the door.
“Yes, we are.” I follow her out.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
CALLUM
* * *
She’s doing that thing again, avoiding eye contact and staring out of the window and I’m at a loss for how to start a conversation.
“What was that all about?” I ask.
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
I can’t force her to, but it’s obvious she’s hurting. The more I think back to all my previous interactions with Nina, the more I see the signs. She hides it well, the guilt she carries. I can now see the sadness in her eyes, the plastered-on smile for customers, maybe even the reason why she pushes me away.
I don’t understand it all, and it seems extreme to still be affected about something that happened so long ago, but what do I know? I’ve never experienced what she has. My upbringing has been safe and secure, in a family home with good people. My parents have always been supportive, and they have always loved me unconditionally.
My life would have been so different, I would have been so different, if I’d been tossed around in foster care like Nina and Elias.
I want to help her. She’s struggling, and any idiot can see that. “Your brother said that counseling helped him.”
She turns to me with blazing eyes. “Can’t you butt out, even now? I don’t want your advice. I don’t need you to tell me what I should or shouldn’t do.”
She’s doing it again, pushing me away. It makes sense, and it doesn’t. It surprises me that she’s still carrying the scars of her past, but she needs to know that what happened to Elias wasn’t her fault. He was a kid, and so was she.
“Don’t push me away, Nina. I want to help.”