by Lily Zante
In the light of the moon, I swear her eyes have turned more glassy. I make my confession. “I got jealous when I saw Wesley talking to you.”
“Jealous?”
I nod.
“The guy is a jerk,” she says.
“The guys in your brother’s gym, Jake and Santos, they aren’t jerks, but I got jealous when you went outside with them at that last event.”
“You did?” her voice is a whisper. “Jake and Santos are like my brothers.”
I shrug. “How would I know that?”
“Why were you jealous?” she asks.
“Why do you think?” and when she doesn’t answer, “I ask myself, how can I be jealous about someone who doesn’t give a hoot about me?”
She touches her bracelet, and stares down at it. It’s now or never, I tell myself. This is the only opportunity I’ll have—not to get her into my bed—but to tell her how I feel.
“I got jealous seeing you with Alyssa,” she says, beating me to it and knocking the air right out of my lungs.
“You got jealous?”
She nods.
Well, what do you know? Nina Cardoza has just hinted that she likes me. I rub my thumb over her hand and look up at the night sky because it seems like a magical moment. I’ve hooked up with girls I’ve only known for a few hours, and I’ve had fun sexy times in places that could probably get me arrested, but nothing is as unforgettable as this moment in which Nina confesses that she has feelings for me. Although, she hasn’t actually said it out loud.
“Weird, right?” she asks.
“Weird.” I smile.
We’re not facing the city view anymore, we’re facing one another. I stroke her face, move my thumb along her cheek and jaw, dare to move it to her lips. She gazes up at me as I run my thumb over her lower lip. It’s taken me over a month to get this woman to notice me. And now it seems she has, and still I hesitate to kiss her.
I want to.
God knows I want to so badly.
And then she does something that surprises me again. She moves closer, and tilts her face up and touches her lips to mine. Electric darts shoot straight to my manhood, and I instinctively shift back a little so that she won’t feel my hardness.
I exhale, because, again, I’m not sure how I should respond. I want to smack my lips over hers and kiss her for hours, and then I look into her eyes and I see the vulnerability that is always there.
But she kissed me first.
I lower my head and press my lips against hers. “Nina,” I moan, against her lips.
We kiss again, arms wrapped around one another, and my fingers find goosebumps all along her arms. “Cold?” I ask her, then blanket her with my arms.
She nuzzles her face in my chest. “Better.”
“Want to go inside?” I’m not holding my breath, but she surprises me again with a nod. Her dark eyes glistening as she looks up at me. We go inside.
“I should go.”
There it is, her retreat just as sudden as the kiss she surprised me with. “Okay.” I cup her neck, and stare into her eyes. I had a feeling she would back off once the magic spell of the stars and the night sky was broken.
“But I don’t want to,” she says.
“Okay.” I’m not sure what she’s asking, but I’ll take it. I’ll agree to whatever she wants.
“Kiss me again.”
That’s easy enough to do, so I comply.
Chapter Forty-Three
NINA
* * *
I lose myself in his kiss. It feels like I’m floating. Feels like my feet aren’t on the balcony floor, but flying through the air.
Callum’s arms are around me, and our bodies are pressed together, and then it comes, the tightness in my chest. “I can’t,” I say, wriggling out of his hug, I move away and put my arms around me, folding them, then holding onto them and making a barrier between him and me.
“That’s okay. Hey,” he lifts my chin up gently. “I’m not pushing anything.” His voice is soft.
I move back, struggling to keep it together. I thought this time it might be different. With Callum, I thought I would forget. “I’m sorry. I can’t.” My voice is shaky and I’m suddenly embarrassed. What must he think? I turn my back on him and try to calm my breathing.
One moment I was in his arms, falling into his kiss, his body, his scent, his warmth, and in the next I’m pulled right out of it. Images of the janitor bubble up, replacing the warmth and connection I just felt. I’m rummaging around in the stinky dark basement again, desperate to find those sweets.
I’m breathing hard and fast, rubbing my arms as I try to stop myself from shivering.
This is when I need my blade.
“It’s okay, Nina. I’m not going to touch you.” He doesn’t come any closer, nor does he put his arms around me. I want him to, but he doesn’t move. I’m giving off mixed signals again, so I should back off. I don’t want to be labelled a tease, which is what my previous boyfriends said to me. “I’m sorry.” It’s not his fault, and I’d hate for him to think it is.
“Hey,” he lifts his hand, and it hovers in mid-air as if he’s unsure of what to do.
I want him to hold me. I almost ask him, but the words get stuck in my throat. His hand brushes my face, before resting against my cheek, a velvet touch that is soft and comforting. A beacon of something good in my life from someone who cares. I get that from Elias, but this is different. It feels different coming from this man who sets my heart racing, my blood pounding, and who ignites every inch of my body.
I wanted that feeling to last for more than a few moments. Maybe I can get it back. If I push away the old. “Hold me,” I plead, and he does. His arms wrap around me, and I bury my face in his chest once more, breathing slowly, trying to put myself back together. We stand like that for a long time. I forget how long because time stops for me. I’ve found my soft rock, my place to anchor. I allow myself the gift of his solace.
I look up at him after a while wanting to see what he’s thinking. His eyes glitter in the dim light. “It’s okay. I’ve got you, Nina.”
“You make me feel safe.”
His lips curve up slightly, as if he understands. “I want you to feel safe. I’m not going to lay a finger on you unless you want me to.”
He is different, and I never expected someone like him to understand. “Thank you,” I muffle into his chest, and look away. He understands me. He doesn’t know much about me, yet he understands me. This is priceless.
His hand smooths over my head. “What time are you leaving tomorrow?”
Home. Back to Chicago, and the diner, and my apartment and my blades. The same old, same old. Harper and Elias won’t be back yet. “In the afternoon sometime.”
His face registers disappointment. “You?” I ask.
“The day after. I figured it was the weekend, and I wanted to make the most of it. How about you extend your stay, if you want?” His voice is filled with hope.
I do want to extend my stay by another day. I have no desire to rush back. No desire to be rushed off my feet at work, or to sit at a home, tempted by the things I am trying hard to overcome. “What would we do?”
“Anything you want.”
It’s an appealing proposition. But if we spent the day out, he’d be mobbed by fans, unless he went in disguise.
“We don’t even have to leave the room. We can stay here all day, order in, watch movies, play cards. We can do anything you want.” It’s as if he’s read my mind.
Already that sounds like a better idea. “I’ll see what I can do with the flight. I should really go now. It’s so late.”
He loosens his arms around me, and I already miss his hold. “Goodnight.”
A part of me wants to stay but leaving is the right thing to do.
Chapter Forty-Four
CALLUM
* * *
Rudy calls me first thing in the morning. I’ve had about four hours sleep. He gushed about me and Alyssa looking like a
proper couple. “Are you sure there’s nothing going on?” he asks. I assure him there isn’t.
I call Dottie afterwards to tell her that I don’t need her to bring me anything today. No expensive coffees, or food, or dry cleaning to pick up or drop off. She can have the day off. I am supposed to have lunch with a few friends, but I’ve called and cancelled that too.
Nina texts me around noon to say that she’s managed to move her flight to tomorrow evening. It instantly lifts my mood. The thought of spending all day here with her keeps the smile on my face.
Of course, I’m braced for more questions, from Dottie, and later Rudy, but I don’t care.
Even though she already hinted, I text her to confirm. It makes sense since my room is bigger, but it doesn’t hurt to ask:
Are you sure you’re okay to hang out here?
I wait for her to text back, but she doesn’t, and then I hear the knock on the door, and her voice. “It’s me.”
I open the door to see her standing there, and my breath hitches in my throat.
We kissed. Me and Nina, we kissed.
Are we an item?
Is she my girlfriend?
Is this a one night stand without the thing that makes it a one night stand?
Are we still just friends who shared a moment?
As usual, when it comes to this woman, I have no idea.
There’s no sexy red dress today. She’s in a dress, though. I’ve only ever seen her in her waitress outfit, otherwise she’s mostly in jeans. Today it’s a summer dress. Dark green and simple, no frills or patterns. Nothing sexy, and yet she still looks different, and gorgeous. She walks in and kicks off her flip-flops.
I like that she’s making herself at home here. I’m unsure what to do now that she is here. So much is up in the air. Going out would make things easier, but people would see us and hassle us, and she’s right about wanting to stay inside. My problem is that I don’t know how to be.
“Sleep well?” I ask.
“I fell asleep in my dress.”
“Yeah?”
“I just crawled onto the bed, and I dozed off with my makeup still on.” She makes a face. “I only woke up an hour ago.”
“I couldn’t sleep.”
“No?”
“You were still probably buzzing from the events of the day.”
More like from the events at the end of the day, on my balcony. “Had breakfast?” I ask her.
“No. I thought maybe I could make something for you.” She wrings her hands together as if she’s shy.
“Make something?” I laugh. “We’re in a hotel. Ever heard of room service?”
I get out the menu, and we both study it. A short while later, room service arrives with a huge feast of fruit, and pancakes, croissants and orange juice.
The day runs smoothly from them on. Any reservations I had, any hesitation, has melted away. I was afraid that Nina would regret what we did last night, of how she was with me, letting me in a little. But she seems fine. Looking at her I see why she needed to get away. It wouldn’t surprise me if she hadn’t been away in many months. This is the welcome break she needed, and I needed. Out of the entire weekend, it’s my time with her, with just the two of us, that makes this entire trip so worthwhile.
It’s hot. Los Angeles weather is almost tropical compared to Chicago right now. Nina’s at ease, and so am I, and I can’t think of a nicer way to spend the day. We have breakfast out on the balcony and then stay out there for the rest of the day, lying on sun loungers that are side by side with a small gap between them. I notice that her toenails are painted a dark red. And that she has cute feet. Feet I’d like to hold and massage and kiss.
“Are you okay about hanging out here?” she asks, not realizing that I’m checking out her feet.
“There’s no other place I would rather be.”
We smile at one another. “Thanks for changing your flight.”
“Thanks for suggesting it.”
“I can’t think of any person I’d rather spend it with.”
She turns her head towards me. “Not even with Alyssa?”
I turn to her and raise an eyebrow. “What do you think?”
She smiles happily. “Truth is, I wasn’t ready to go home. Elias and Harper aren’t back for a few days.”
“Do you spend a lot of time with them?”
“I see them at the diner, and I go around for dinner once a week. They’re always at the end of the phone.”
It sounds to me as if she’s lonely. I get it. Living in a hotel room, even though I’m filming on a set, is not glamourous. It’s a lonely existence. Nina never talks about friends much, and I know she doesn’t have a boyfriend, so she probably spends more of her time alone. It’s easy to see why she decided to spend another day here with me.
I reach over for her hand, and she puts it in mine. I squeeze it, and she squeezes it right back.
It’s the best thing, lying here, with the sun shining down on me, and Nina holding my hand.
The best thing.
* * *
NINA
He’s fallen asleep holding my hand. I stifle a giggle as I look over at him, then I turn on my side so that I can see him properly. I must be the luckiest girl in the world to be where I am right now.
Who would have thought?
Me, with Callum Sandersby, on a balcony, in LA. I let go of his hand and tiptoe back inside to get my cell phone. I take a picture of him sleeping so that I can show it to Harper later on, otherwise she’ll never believe the type of weekend I’ve had.
I put my phone on the ground, and I push our sun loungers together, then curl up against him. I can do this, because we kissed. We shared a moment, or three together last night. I felt his heart beat against mine. I pressed my body against his. His lips claimed mine. I can do this. He’s sound asleep, but he rouses as I snuggle up against him. When I place my arm across his chest, his arm goes over me and hems me right in.
“She awakens.” I look up to find myself wrapped around Callum’s chest. I pray that there is no drool sliding down my mouth. I lift my head to see his hooded eyes staring at me, causing a sizzle in my chest that is nothing to do with sun’s rays beating down us.
I fell asleep just like he did.
He kisses the top of my head and I snuggle against him even more. That must have been one of the best naps I’ve ever had. “You fell asleep first,” I point out, sniffing at the hint of his aftershave.
“That’s because you are so huggable,” he tells me. “And I trust you. I don’t trust many people.” This surprises me, because I am the same, but his lack of trust is due to his status and his wealth.
I smile at him, and we lie back, in our own little cosy bubble, in each other’s arms. He thumbs my wrist, and because I’m not wearing the big bracelet, his fingers run over my scars. How is it that I can lie like this in his arms and I’m okay with him doing what he’s doing? That I don’t feel the shame of my cutting, or the desire to hide it.
There is a lightness, a relief, a lessening of the load, in having someone else shoulder my burden. After a while I look up at him and in the next moment we’re kissing again.
I melt into his kiss, losing myself all over again. His touch is giddying and electric, and it zaps every nerve in my body. Being with him leaves me feeling light and warm, and clean, like the sun when it has dried the streets after heavy rain, and everything is bright and new again. Callum is the calm in the eye of my nightmares, the splendor in the dirt of my life.
I’m awkwardly angled, lying on my side, so I pull away from his wet lips and roll over him so that I’m straddling him. My dress rides up, and I place my arms on either side of his head before gazing down into his soulful eyes. Is this my alter ego, doing all of these things? She’s showing me the way to what could be the life I can have, if I allowed myself to take a chance.
Letting Callum in is that chance.
I lower my head until our foreheads are touching and I press my mouth against
his, falling into the sweet wetness. We’re a bundle of heat and energy as his hands skate gently over my waist. Only, now I can feel his hardness against me. Desire rushes through me and heat coils between my thighs. I don’t feel scared, or shy, but brave, and confident as I drop tiny, desperate kisses all over his neck. He likes it, I can tell, because his fingers dig gently into my waist. I slide my tongue further into his mouth and grind my hips against him because the heat below spirals out, flames fanning to every orifice. Shivers zigzag across my back when Callum’s hands slowly slide under my dress. His touch is as soft as silk, as skittery as the flapping of a butterfly’s wings. I moan in pleasure.
But the janitor’s basement rears its ugly head.
I see the sweets in their shiny wrappers.
I see the janitor’s rotting yellow teeth.
I freeze.
I bolt upright, my hands braced against Callum’s chest, while his hands rest gingerly on my thighs.
Suddenly I’m not sure.
Callum looks at me in confusion.
My body is willing, but my mind isn’t so sure. I’m scared again.
Scared, scared, scared.
“What’s wrong?” he asks, pulling his hands away. He’s had to put his brakes on which, judging by the huge package I’m feeling beneath me, can’t be easy.
He must know, my heart whispers. He’s not like the others.
“I want to, but I can’t.” I’m so broken that I will never be able to lead a normal life. I’ll never be able to have the things that other women can have. I’ll never be able to fall in love and stay that way.
“That’s okay.” He lifts up, propping himself on his elbows. “We don’t have to do a thing, Nina.”
I climb off him, and lie against him again, resting my arm across his chest. I can’t look at him, but I want to tell him, because it might feel better if I do. He runs his hand up and down my arm, a comforting gesture which grounds me.